REPOST: RAC Challenge! #17

[Drew Perron]

On 11/23/2015 10:09 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
<snip>
>     "New, from Nike! You've got The Pump? Sorry, folks. That's yesterday's
>     fashion. Don't be caught dead in school without the new Nike Pump
>     Action! Supreme Court approved. Offer void where prohibited by state
>     law."

Ah, man. Remember shoes you pump up? Only true '90s kids, etc.

>     "Thank God," he said to the director, "I thought you were never going
>     to end that. So how the hell are the writers going to get me out of
>     that one?"
>
>     "They're not. You're fired. Don't let the door hit you in the... well,
>     you know how it goes."

Pfffff. Well, that's one way to go. XD

>     "You can't fire me! How can you fire me? Why? There's been no
>     indication that you were going to fire me. Who the hell's writing this
>     story?"
>       _________________________________________________________________
>
>     "Not me, that's for sure," said Poet, selecting the text of the last
>     chapter and trashing it--for the fifth time in the last hour.

Recursive metafiction! :D

>     Poet let his head fall onto the keyboard in frustration.
>
>     "Jesus, Mercedes," he mumbled, "what is your mind on now?"
>       _________________________________________________________________
>
>     Obviously not the story, thought Dr. Mercedes Silver,

Hah, more recurs--

>     as she looked
>     over at Tito, the Ultimate Kid, lying asleep in her hotel bed, his
>     mouth half open, and the cutest drool hanging out. Last night that had
>     been the inspiration for Tito's brain damage. This night Tito's strong
>     young body was a more than literary inspiration.
>
>     Keep your mind on your work, girl, she thought. Gotta have this done
>     tomorrow or "the villain Franke" will have my ass.

o-o So I tend to interpret "kid" more literally than a lot of writers, I think 
is the takeaway here.

>     "What a curious feeling!" thought Matt, "I must be shutting up like a
>     telescope."

Ooooo, Alice in Wonderland references, splendid.

>     The cat returned with a wooden box labeled "tomatoes", tossed Matt
>     into it, and announced, "I'm marrying the lizard to London."
>
>     He once more disappeared--except for the smile, which leered at the
>     waitress, and one of the ears, which twitched in the air.
>
>     "Don't you mean you're carrying it to London?" the waitress asked.
>
>     "I mean what I say."

And a willingness to reproduce the playful weirdness, rather than just the 
signifiers! Tremendous!


>     "Alice? Algernon? Dr. John Watson?" said Dirk as he followed them away
>     from the doomed barrel. "This can only mean one thing. I've been
>     rescued by--"
>
>     "That's right," interrupted a woman's voice from the woman floating
>     above him. She was wearing an oxygen mask, as well as a diving suit.
>     "You've been rescued by:"
>
>     "Dr. Mercedes Silver-ilver-ver-rr..."
>
>     She waited for the echo to die down.
>
>     "...and Her All-Ghost-ost-ost-st-t Literary-ary-ry-y-y
>     Revue-ue-ue-ue."

Oh wow. XD I love this new character and her League of Extraordinary Public 
Domain Characters already.

>     "No time, Paragon. Malevo's evil plan is already in play in San Diego,
>     California. Dr. Malevo has teamed up with Baron von Frankelin--"
>
>     "Ace of Clones? The villain Franke?"

Pulling together *all* the references!

>     "He used to be Paragon, the Ultimate Man, the most powerful superhero
>     in the world," she whispered back. "He was also the most daft. All the
>     rest of us heroes had to take turns teaming up with him, just to keep
>     an eye on him."

Heeheehee <3

>     "I didn't particularly think Malevo was insane, he was criminally
>     boring."
>
>     "--Then, we disguise ourselves as fish and sneak into--"
>
>     "Back when he graduated from med school, he was Paragon's sidekick,
>     The Ultimate Intern."

Backstory! Yes!

>     "No, she's my ex-wife."
>
>     "And she tried to kill you?"
>
>     "That's the purpose of ex-wives, John," said Algernon. "Ex-marriage is
>     a very special state. If any of my ex-wives were to stop trying to
>     kill me, I dare say I'd assume they wanted to re-marry."

Heeheeheehee

>     Dr. Mercedes Silver was yelling at him. She was now out of the diving
>     suit and wearing her traditional brown suit and tie.

Ladies in suits <3

>     "How do you know he was the last?" asked Watson.
>
>     "I've told you not to get him off on that," hissed Mercedes.
>
>     "Elementary, really. The computer has a number of recordings of him
>     giving orders to himself."

Pffft. XD I love the easy flourishes that develop so splendidly and off-handedly 
on established bits of business.

>     "What kind of fuel does this thing run on?"
>
>     "Broken dreams," Algernon said. "And it's running on full."

*ba-dum-tiss*

>     She took a floppy disk out of her pocket and handed it to Sherlock
>     Holmes.
>
>     "MEMOREX Trackball Program Disk?"
>
>     "Careful with it. Use it incorrectly, you'll conquer the world. Or die
>     trying."

Very good.

>     "Malevo," she said. "Malevo and an army of crazed Flemish bent on
>     regaining their superpowers."

Ooooo, I'd forgotten about that.

>     "They'll kill him when they realize he has no more powers."
>
>     "Hey, it's the world or him."

Aw, c'mon, Dr. Silver. You're more heroic than that! I'm pretty sure!

>     "Oh, god, this is my punishment for giving him superpowers, even if
>     they will only last an hour.

Oh, that works too

>Algernon was piloting the saucer, while Alice
>     pouted in the corner. (There was no corner on the circular bridge, but
>     Alice was pretending there was, so it was all the same.)

Heeheehee.

>     "I wasn't quite ready to die now."
>
>     "Well, thanks. Neither was I."
>
>     "I was," said Holmes. "I'd like to write a monograph on the
>     experience."

Augh. LOTS of good stuff in this issue - one of my favorites so far, I think.

>     "Dr. Silver, you aren't going to take on an F-14 with a handgun?"
>
>     "Watch me."

Dr. Silver is definitely my favorite character.

>     She gripped the gun so hard her knuckles turned white, and she pulled
>     the trigger. Blood trickled from Dr. Malevo's shirt. He started. He
>     looked down, and then looked back at the scared woman.

Oh man. o.o That's actually pretty cool, even if it isn't going to stick.

>     When the police came to arrest the woman for carrying a firearm
>     without a license, he left the situation in their capable hands.

PARAGON. >:/

>     "Holmes," cried Mercedes. "It actually hurt you?"
>
>     The wall shook with another barrage of bullets.
>
>     "If felt like... like a hundred years worth of elite literary
>     critics."
>
>     "My god," she said. "A direct hit could kill any of you."

GASP! Metaweapons! Like Dip, but worse!

>     The wall exploded inward. One fragment rebounded from the wall behind
>     the makeshift barrier and grazed Dr. Silver on the temple, tearing a
>     bloody gash. She tasted the blood and smiled. This, then, was the
>     Ultimate Adventure.

oh noooo Dr. Silver

>     "I can," said Paragon. "Besides, I have to rescue the Ultimate Co-Ed.
>     What's five hundred megatons between friends?"

Paragon is definitely that heroic.

>     The second grabbed for his commbox and she kicked it out of his hand
>     as he lifted it towards his mouth. Surprised, he managed to grab her
>     foot and twist it, and she fell to her ass. As she fell, she twisted
>     her other leg around and knocked his legs out from underneath him. He
>     fell next to her. They swung at each other as they tried to get up. He
>     connected first, and punched her straight in the jaw. She fell back,
>     and lunged forward, slamming his head against the wall.

Daaaaaaaaamn. :D

>     Dr. Silver dropped from the ventilation shaft into the Victorian bath.
>     She moved to the door, stopped, and looked at the mirror. Her hair on
>     her left side was caked in blood. One of her teeth was hanging--she
>     hadn't noticed any pain. A steady rush of adrenaline continued to keep
>     any pain away.

SO BADASS.

>     He turned around carrying a bottle of wine and two glasses.
>
>     "An Eighteen Sixty-Four MourvËdre, perhaps? Would you do the honors?"
>
>     She laughed.
>
>     "No, you are the host, after all."
>
>     "Of course," he nodded approvingly. "Then perhaps a simple '59
>     Grenache would be more appropriate."

Interesting.

>     "Are you injured?" he whispered hoarsely.
>
>     She pulled back her hair and showed him the bloody gash. He cackled
>     blood and went silent.
>
>     "I hope you go to hell, Jerry. I think I'd miss you otherwise."
>
>     The nuclear warhead exploded beneath the ancient house, and Dr.
>     Mercedes Silver went with Baron Jerold von Frankelin to their next
>     great adventure.

This is such a weird issue. @-@ Clearly written from a "what I want to write 
about" perspective, but in a high-level way.

>     One of these days, I've got to finish that mail-order teleportation
>     course, he thought, as the penis symbol exploded in a blaze of white
>     glory.

Welp.

>     Lastly, it pictured to itself how these same writers would, in the
>     after-time, be themselves orange cats; and how they would keep,
>     through all their furrier years, the simple and loving hearts of their
>     writing apprenticeship; and how they would gather about them other
>     young writers and make their eyes bright and eager with many a strange
>     tale, perhaps even with the dream of the Internet of long ago: and how
>     the old cats would feel all the young writers' simple sorrows, and
>     find pleasure in all their simple joys, remembering their own
>     writing-life, and the happy Internet days.

Heeheehee. <3

>       * Next Issue: Ghost, Ghost, Gander

I wasn't sure if there was going to be one, at this point. XD

Drew "such fascinating weirdness" Perron