REPOST: RAC Challenge! #16

[Drew Perron]

On 11/17/2015 11:42 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
<snip>
>     The black leather jacket and heavily spiked Matthew Rossi III stood
>     in front of his computer, a triumphant smile on his face. As he
>     stepped closer to his console there was a slight crunching sound from
>     the shattered fourth wall that lay at his feet. <THAT'LL TEACH THEM
>     TO MESS WITH ME.>

Heeheehee

>     On his computer screen was the recently updated Writer Roster. Rossi
>     looked to the name beneath his own and grimaced. <OH NO,> he thought,
>     <SOMEONE PUT THREE OMEGA WRITERS IN A ROW!>

DUN DUN DUNNN

>     A steel pen arched through the air. Before Matt could react it struck
>     his hard drive. There was a brilliant pyrotechnic display as the
>     computer exploded into several billion pieces.
>
>     *The pen is mightier than the disk.*

I suppose turnabout is fair play.

>     [STOP! YOU'LL RETCON EVERYTHING! DESTROY THE UNIVERSE!]

*snerk*

>     Matt frowned. [They're not fraps. They're Awful-Awful.]
>
>     *Yes,* Poet began, *they're the Ulti--*
>
>     [Don't even say it,] Matt growled.

Cute~

>     "Wandering walruses! I wonder if this is a dream?" Dirk took the
>     opportunity to look down. He noticed a smaller than usual budge in
>     his spandex. Alarm quickly spread across his face. "Miniscule
>     manhood! It isn't a dream! That would never happen in a dream!"

Dude, if weird stuff doesn't happen to your junk in *your* dreams-- well anyway

>     Just then a Dirk remembered something. "Form of a beaver," he said.
>     His costume transformed into a giant beaver and for a moment the cold
>     did not bother Dirk in the least bit. Unfortunately, he had
>     absolutely *no* experience at handling a giant beaver . The water
>     engulfed him and Dirk began to sink.

Oh, Dirk.

>     <It's not every day that a man can say he was drown in a giant
>     beaver.> Dirk resisted (as did the author) to make several perverted
>     and tasteless jokes.

Too late!

>     BONK!
>
>     As we all know BONK is the sound that is made when flying people run
>     into invisible objects.

Heeheehee

>     SPLASH!
>
>     As we all know SPLASH is the sound that is made when the flying
>     person falls unconscious into the water.

Does the repetition make it more funny, or less? Hmmmm.

>     "This could be the Ultimate Failure," Ernie said. Ernie, the last
>     member of the Collective struggled with the micro-circuitry of the
>     chamber in front of him.

Oh, okay. o.o

>     *I regret to inform you of something, Matt.*
>
>     [What?]
>
>     Poet smiled. *You're powerless.*

Yeeeah, and this is too much counter-omnipotence. Both ways have been kinda 
unfulfilling. `-`;

>     "If I wasn't such an evil, evil man, I'd give a short and pithy title
>     that could easily be fit into the dialogue. But I am evil, and
>     therefore any title I'd select must be fit to that evil. And also, it
>     must mention cheese. Twice. Definitely has to m ention cheese twice."
>
>     Everybody stared at the man in bright green.
>
>     "Excuse me. Who are you?" Paragon asked.
>
>     "I," the man in bright green said as he pointed his thumb at his
>     chest, "am Pesto Pontificiation Parmesian."

Okay, that's a pretty good cheese reference.

>     *That's right. Rossi was stripped of his power, and the result is
>     that Paragon lost his.*

That... *kinda* makes sense. But having him quickfire regain-and-relose the 
powers, and in such an offhanded way...

>     "The wonderful ratings box which we've hooked everyone who has
>     ordered this special Pay Per View program will allow you the payee to
>     bid for the particularly violent action that will occur to Paragon."

This is a neat idea, tho - Silver Age-y while still hooking into the concerns of 
the era.

>     "Great!" PPP said. "We're bringing in funds as we speak. Be the
>     person who the capping of the barrel is dedicated to! Remember, we
>     check you Swiss funds before we announce your name." He waved his
>     finger in a "tsk-tsk-tsk" manner at the camera.

Heeheehee.

>     Dr. Malevo sidled next to Obnoxious Assassin. "How much are we
>     bringing in?" Malevo asked.
>
>     "Well, these stupid idiots paid a couple-hundred of thousand each for
>     the illegal feed. Plus this bidding war. What is it with this
>     universe? You don't have much entertainment in this place. No
>     Platypus Man. No Wings. Heck, the Simpsons' are real . That alone is
>     warped enough to teleport home."

This is kind of an odd thing to assert out of nowhere.

>     The Penultimate Man rose from the ocean and flexed the muscles in his
>     legs. The ice shattered. He looked down. "Well, at least I'll give
>     the Spurgenator something."
>
>     Moments later he flew off with the two frozen Ultimate Kids'.

Excellent, excellent.

>     "Hobbling hedgehogs," Paragon muttered. "I'm going to be nationally
>     suffocated at the bottom of an ocean!"
>
>     "Nope," OA replied. "We're going to blow you up before you hit
>     bottom. Have a nice day."

Heeheehee. That's nice and over-the-top.

>     Obnoxious Assassin walked up to Doctor Malevo. "I can't believe you
>     let this arrogant jack-ass take over the storyline. I thought you
>     were the Ultimate Bad-Guy?"
>
>     Dr. Malevo laughed before he spoke. "You don't think this guy will
>     make it past the next few issues?

I mean, that's a good point.

>     Dr. Malevo walked up next to him and smiled. "It is over. Paragon,
>     The Ultimate Man is dead." He pointed to the vital signs that were
>     now a flatline.

DUN DUN DUNNNN...

>     *Excuse me,* Poet said to a waitress. *I know my power is waning, but
>     I planned on turning the Newt back into Matt*
>
>     "Oh. Some orange cat put him in a box and married him to London."

Okay, maybe I don't get *all* the 1995 RACC references.

Drew "look I was a lurker not a writer" Perron