LNH: Easily-Discovered Man #56

[Andrew Perron]

On 1/8/2015 12:42 AM, EDMLite wrote:
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
>      Doused with microwave radiation, Theodore Wong gained the
> ability to glow and be detected at great distances by anyone
> with a Geiger counter.  Forced to retire, Wong has left former
> sidekick Lite to continue his battle against the forces of
> corruption, chaos and common sense, and to carry on the
> legacy of the fabulous EASILY-DISCOVERED MAN.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------

HELL

FUCKING

YES

> He is rescued by the cosmic entity known as RAVENSCROFT,
> who asks that he seek out the missing LUKE JONES in a move
> that sounds suspiciously like the set-up for a series
> crossover.

Baffling even those people who remember what Teens in Trenchcoats was, in the 
best way. <3

>       "Why, exactly, are you doing this?" I asked.
>
>       "We felt Sebulba's character deserved a redemptive arc," Ubiquitous
> Boy said, as if it was something that ought to be perfectly obvious to
> anyone.

Seriously, Lite.

>       "The very same," I said.  "Third: look at what you're doing!
> Attempting to rewrite a text because it disagrees with your
> interpretation of it?  Taking something that was supposed to be
> exciting and fun and entertaining and treating it like it was
> sacred scripture?  Getting into arguments with people who ought
> to be your contemporaries and peers over trivial details?

Hmmmmm. But does their stated goal of rewriting it to be more emotionally 
satisfying transcend such concerns? u.U

>       "Wait," Ubiquitous Boy said.  "Now that I think about it, that
> experience was actually a meta-commentary, as I juxtaposed actually
> watching the film with my previous close reading of the Marvel Comics
> adaptation."

Bwahahaha. <3 Most of the movies I see are some kind of metacultural artifact, 
anyway

>       I pressed the app, then dropped to my knees as a holographic
> image of Disney CEO Bob Iger sprang to life in the center of the lounge.
>
>       "It is done, my master," I said.

Heeheehee

>       "Good.  Good," the hologram said, his genial face shimmering with
> light as he knit his translucent fingers together.  "You have done well,
> my young apprentice.  With the release of _The Force Awakens_ scheduled
> for next December, it is more important than ever that those who profess
> belief in... alternative storylines... be shown the error of their ways."

GASP! More like fan *friction*!

>       Iger's phosphorescent eyes glittered.  "My people have already
> inserted a reference in an Easter egg that will appear in the DVD
> version of the second credit sequence of _The Inhumans 2_," he
> purred.  "That is, they will... if Kevin Smith were to publish a
> gushing review of the _Episode VII_ trailer on Moviepoopshoot.com."
>
>       I raised my eyes to the glowing apparition.
>
>       "He will join us... or diet, my master," I said.

Booooooo. <3

>       "Which part?" I replied, as we walked beneath the great golden
> archway welcoming students to Dave Thomas Deluxe University.  "The part
> where I ask Professor Wong for help, even though he made a promise never
> to have anything to do with Easily-Discovered Man -- or any other super-
> hero -- for the rest of his life?

Dun dun dunnnnnn~helpful expositionnnn~

>       "He's your mentor too," I said, falling into pace just behind a pair of
> students as they keyed the entrance code into the physics lab doors.  "At least
> I thought he was.  Just how long is your internship supposed to last, anyway?"
>
>       "I'm English, dear.  Our apprenticeships last forever.  Just ask Prince
> Charles.

Nice dodge!

>       "Then how do you explain all the lectures?  The speeches about what it
> is a super-hero is supposed to do, and be?"
>
>       "He does that with everybody."
>
>       "Only when you're around," Cynical Lass said.

Really. o.o Hm, I guess we do universally see it thru his perspective...

>       I turned around to face Cynical Lass.  I did this as both of us were
> entering the stairwell, so it brought me much closer to her face than I'd
> intended.  Her eyes locked on to mine with an intensity that drove me back.

This is such a shipper moment.

>       "How, exactly, is it my choice?" I asked.  "I promised Ravenscroft
> after she'd saved my life that I'd deliver a message to Luke Jones.
> [Last ish -- Footnote Girl].  And then I have to get back to finding the
> Waffle Queen's murderer so that I can fulfill the promise I made to Londonbroil
> back when he was saving my life and not actively trying to kill me [in Easily-Discovered
> Man #49 -- Footnote Girl].  And then maybe I can get around to rounding up a team to
> go to the Apocryphal Universe, like I promised both Apocalypso [EDM #34 -- F.G.]
> and Professor Perhap [EDM #47 -- Footnote Girl, the hardest-working super-heroine
> in the business] -- neither of whom actually saved my life, but..."

I get it - you're accumulating so many subplots that Death will spare you just 
to see how it all turns out.

>       "I think Easily-Discovered Man would be asking himself who
> Mynabird is, and why he hates you so very, very much," Cynical
> Lass said.
>
>       "I'd just assumed he was one of the writers of _Arrow_," I said.
>
>       "Why would the writers of _Arrow_ want to kill you?"
>
>       "Clearly you haven't been reading my column on 'Television
> Without Pity,' " I said.

Damn you comic book time!

>       "Oh, Hector.  You sweet, silly man," Cynical Lass said.  "When
> will you accept the truth that the other members of our generation
> have already embraced?  Nothing you write or post on the Internet
> will ever mean anything to anyone for more than five minutes."

Oh, humbug, you double-decade awesomedude. <3

>       "You're right, Hector," Cynical Lass said. "It does make sense to run
> away from leopards.  Or mimes.  Or people like Mynabird."
>
>       "Or Creed."
>
>       "I think you're dating yourself with that reference, but yes," Cynical
> Lass said.

We've been listening to the Billboard Top 100 hits of various years, and I'm 
gratified to realize that I was totally right, and the radioplay of the early 
'00s was absolutely terrible.

>       "I don't know, Hector," Cynical Lass said.  "I'm not Easily-Discovered Man.
> Nor do I want to be him.  In fact, I'm not even really here."
>
>       "You're not even...?"
>
>       I looked back over my shoulder, and there she wasn't.

...oh, well then. o.o That's disturbing, yet at the same time, disturbing in 
the "rad writing" way.

>       As hallucinations went, Imaginary Cynical Lass was a pretty good one -- better
> than, say, a psychopathic Brad Pitt or a man in a creepy rabbit suit

Wow, speaking of early '00s references

> With his glasses perched on top of his head, a piece
> of yellow chalk dangling from his fingers like a cigarette, he looked stronger,
> more sure of himself than he ever had in his Easily-Discovered Man costume.

That sounds really adorable.

>       "Hold on a second, Prof," I said.  "Are you saying that this thing is
> like a kind of one-way, time-traveling fax machine?  A timewriter?"

Whoa. o.ov

>       Professor Wong turned around slowly, his glasses falling down onto
> the bridge of his nose as neatly as though they had practiced that
> maneuver on a daily basis.

That's adorable. <3 (Also was he really just expositing to thin air? Come on, 
Prof)

>       "It has been difficult, I am sure, for the world to know that it no
> longer lives under the protection of the mighty Easily-Discovered Man --
> that evil need nevermore quake in its foetid hiding places, knowing that
> the green glow of justice would soon illuminate its foul deeds and bring
> its despicable practitioners to account!  Doubt I not that the day-to-day
> activities of the working men and women in our fair community seem but
> empty and lifeless affairs, as the huddled masses know enow that no longer
> can they ease the ennui of their empty existences by thrilling to the
> adventures of their illuminescent champion and his capable partner in..."
>
>       "...in any case," the Prof said, removing his glasses and wiping
> them with the end of his tie, "you see that I really cannot be of any
> help to you whatsoever in matters of an heroic nature.  It is good to
> see you, however.  Really, very good."

Prooooooooof. <3 <3 <3

>       "Physics?  The queen of the sciences?"

AUGHDORABLE I SAY.

>       "It is all a matter of perception," Professor Wong said.  "Human
> understanding is such that we imagine ourselves to be constantly
> moving forward in time like this," he said, drawing a pointed arrow
> on the chalkboard.

The good ol' "Theory of Time Travel Chalkboard Demonstration". Vintage tropery.

>       "That is precisely the point," the Prof said, sketching what appeared
> to be a stick figure on a staircase.  "Imagine that you are shopping at a
> large department store."
>
>       "Like Target?"
>
>       "I had forgotten.  Your generation has a less intimate association
> with the art of retail.

Back at Christmas, Mom was telling me about how she used to work in the Target 
we were in back when it was a Gimbal's.

>       "Prof, you're brilliant!"
>
>       "Thank you," he said.  "I have often suspected that this was the case,
> but observations that support my hypothesis are always welcome."

That's an excellent line. <3

>       "I don't need to travel back in time at all to find out what happened
> with the Waf... er, with that girl at the Target," I said.  "I just need
> to find a way to remember what happened when I was there the first time."

I guess that follows, sure!

>       "And besides," said the Prof, who had not paid the slightest bit of
> attention to anything I had said, "was it not... in the end... fun?"
>
>       I thought about that.  "You know," I said, "it really was."
>
>       "Mozart died penniless," Professor Wong said.  "Poe spent the last
> years of his life broken and alone.  I, at least, have the satisfaction of
> having been a part of something magnificent -- and then, retiring from the
> world stage  to enjoy other pursuits in seclusion, like Diocletian with
> his cabbages."

Such a cheeseball. <3 <3 <3

>       "So you did want me to become Easily-Discovered Man."
>
>       "In the beginning, yes," Professor Wong said.  "Who, in the end,
> does not wish to live forever?  In time, however, I discovered that,
> if only one of you could be saved, I much preferred Hector Lopez to
> Easily-Discovered Man Lite."

Awwwwwww.

>       Whether I actually managed to elude my pursuers, or whether they
> chose not to reveal themselves in order to find out where I was going,

Hmmmm

Hmmmmmmmmmmm

Hmm

>       I didn't know for sure that the man I sought had been responsible
> for sending myself, the Professor and Substitute Lad back in time --
> and for erasing our memories of hanging around with a teenaged Waffle
> Queen in the past.   But he'd been the one to send the Prof and I to
> Mount Roosevelt, Ohio in the first place.  If nothing else, he might
> be able to tell us why the wraith he'd pursued out of hell itself
> might have chosen Ohio as its destination -- and why, out of all the
> super-heroes in the world, he had chosen Easily-Discovered Man and I
> to help him.

It all comes together!

> Is his shoe store a gateway into Lite's past -- and the darkest
> reaches of his mind?  Is the author positively salivating with
> anticipation at the thought of an entire episode's worth of
> shoe puns?

Yessssss

>      SPECIAL THANKS: To Dave van Domelen for physics advice and
> continued inspiration.

So much inspiration.

>      EXTRA-SPECIAL THANKS: To Kid Review and everyone else who
> commented on episode #55.  Thank you!

No problem, citizen!

Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, glad to be of service!