RACCIES: 2014 (21st Annual) RACCies Ceremony (2/3)

[Scott Eiler]

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                             PART 2 OF 3!
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The heavy-metal emcee Gjallar Johanssen turned to the audience.  "So you 
noticed, yer all riding the coolest ride ever!  It's a robot the size of 
a stadium!  Am I right?"  The crowd cheered.

At Brass Team Alpha HQ:  "Oh, man, this guy's working the crowd!  What's 
he planning?"

"He's an emcee.  Working the crowd is *what he does*.  And he beats the 
one the *ceremony* gave us.  *Maybe* for once we're all on the same side."

And so the stadium did a victory shake before it laid back down.  The 
band flourished, "Oh Yeahhh!"

                  .....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....

"Now we got the Writer Awards!  Right to the good stuff!  RACC1, 
FAVORITE WRITER!  Presented by... well, I guess this woman saw Jesus 
once.  Here's Mary McLean!"  The band played and John Revolta sang, 
"Mary she loved Jesus, but not like others did, for she had a special 
bottle in which our Savior hid!"

A nondescript woman who looked like she'd come from a New York City 
office came on stage.  "It wasn't just Jesus!  It was Noah and Moses and 
Samson too!"

Gjallar rolled his eyes.  "Right... The guy who wrote *that* must be up 
for an award."

"Yes!  He's a she, but *every* Writer's up for this award!  But the 
winner is...  Oh my God, there's runners-up too!  It's like God's 
assembling another team to save us all!"

"Grrr, I oughta..."  Gjallar Johanssen spun around as someone tapped on 
his shoulder.  "Mashup Laq.  What *you* want?"

"Maybe *I'd* better talk to Mary."

"Maybe you better."  Gjallar stepped aside.

"Now, Mary...  I guess since you saw Jesus you found religion, right?"

"Right!!  Well, I always believed, but with Him around it was just so 
*true*, you know?"

"That's nice, Mary.  I'd like to learn how your Supreme Being will mash 
up all these heroes, uh, Writers, in his plan to save us all."

Mary looked suspicious.  "Mash them up?"

"Err, *team* them up."

Mary's eyes lit up.  "Right!  First the Three Runners-Up of Destiny 
shall inspire the world to greatness!"

"Okay...  What are their names, the better for us to know them when they 
show their powers to the world?"

"Adrian McClure, Andrew Perron, and Wil Alambre!"

"Now, let me guess...  The Winner of Wonder shall form these others into 
a team, a sort of mighty medley that combines their awesome abilities!"

"That's right!!!"

"And the name of the winner?"

Mary yelled in joyful voice, "Tom Russell!!!!!"

 From the band stage, a flute played.  And John Revolta said in deadpan 
voice, "I think the prophecies are almost fulfilled.  The Majestic 
McClure merely needs to merge into the Mighty Medley."

"Oh my God!  It's a miracle!!!  I need to go get ready for the Rapture!" 
  Mary ran off stage.

Gjallar shrugged, and turned to Mashup Laq.  "Kid, can ya give out the 
awards for this one?"

"Call me Laq.  But I got it..."

As four heroes walked on stage to accept, the display showed:

"RACC1, FAVORITE WRITER:  Tom Russell!  Runners-Up:  Wil Alambre, Andrew 
Perron, Adrian McClure!  (Awards accepted by Martin Rock, the Super 
Wizard from Space, Kid Enthusiastic, and Doc Nostalgia)"

Martin Rock said, "Huh.  It's weird to be a favorite.  Especially from 
someone like Mary.  But I think we could all get used to it someday. 
Thank you."

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"Next:  RACC16, FAVORITE PERSON WHO HANGS OUT ON RACC!  Presented by... 
  I guess we just call him The Great Alice's Mysterious Sponsor!"

Something came on stage.  People could see where it was, but no one 
could see it.  It said, "No one sees your Writers either.  So I shall 
represent them well here.  Your winner is...  It's a tie!"

The display showed, RACC16, FAVORITE PERSON WHO HANGS OUT ON RACC:  TIE! 
  Andrew Perron and Scott Eiler!  (Awards accepted by Kid Review and 
Kristi Halsted the Animal Woman)

A large robot marched on stage, carrying a man in orange tunic and 
silver breeches on one shoulder, and a young short robust woman on the 
other.  A microphone dropped down from the ceiling to let them both speak.

Kid Review started.  "Just like old times, Kristi!  Remember those 2010 
RACCies?"

"I do, Kid!  I'm not my Writer's favorite now, but he sent me anyway 
'cause he was nostalgic!"

"So, do we still know how to share an award?"

"We do!"  They both put a hand on the one award.  Each hand came away 
holding its own award.

They said together, "Thanks!"

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Brass Team Alpha manned the security monitors.  Floy Vonholt cursed. 
"$#!+!  The presenters are showing cosmic powers at will!  What else 
could go wrong now?"

Alpha Brown shrugged.  "Well, Ress is AWOL.  Her companion got knocked 
out and lost track of her!"

Floy yelled, "Quasha!  Report!  Where is Ress??"

"She has broken off.  So has my companion Zenobia."

Exie Gudrun, close quarters combat specialist, spoke up.  "I saw the 
profiles.  I think Ress needs a hug...  Suiting up!"

Ransom Speculoos, nanocybernetic biology specialist, stepped forward. 
"Wait, Exie.  Alpha and I have a special armor for this occasion."

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"Here we have:  RACC19, MOST IMPROVED AUTHOR!  Presented by..  Marian 
the sword-warrior and Rendar the wolf!  Cool!"  A woman (with pointy 
ears and a sword) and a big wolf walked on stage.

Gjallar said, "That wolf sure is well trained.  I usually gotta keep 
*mine* on leashes."

The wolf growled.  The warrior-maiden translated, "Rendar says *I'm* the 
one who's trained."

Gjallar rolled his eyes up.  "*I hear that.*  Got an award for us?"

"Uh...  You have at least *some* respect for animals.  I suppose I shall 
announce your award for you."  Marian opened the envelope.  "We have... 
a winner and three runners-up."

As she continued reading, the display showed "RACC19, MOST IMPROVED 
AUTHOR:  Wil Alambre!  Runners-up James Mason, Andrew Perron, and Jochem 
Vandersteen!  (Awards accepted by Vaso the Super Wizard, the Great 
Alice, Dynamite Radical Kid Enthusiastic, and Quentin Alexander)"

Two men and two teenage girls came up on stage.  As they cautiously 
walked past the wolf and quietly accepted their awards, Gjallar said, 
"Now that's how to do it!  But wait...  Weren't there four of them?"

Marian still held one award.  Dynamite Radical Kid Enthusiastic was 
petting the wolf.  As Marian handed her the award, the Kid said, "Oh 
wow, you two are so cool *and* you're new here!  But there's always room 
for improvement!  That's why I love this group and so does my Writer! 
I'm pretty sure all the Writers are the same way!"

The other three awardees nodded their heads.

(Marian and Rendar brought to you by http://dchmelik.deviantart.com/. )

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"Now:  RACC20, FAVORITE NEW WRITER!  Presented by...  Well, all right! 
Steffi Brock!"

A tomboyish little girl with twin ponytails walked to the stage.

Gjallar said, "Huh?  I thought we were getting Canada's sexiest 
meteorologist here!"

"Uhh...  My mom told me not to talk to people like you."

"Whatever."  Gjallar pointed at the microphone and grinned.  "Need help 
getting up there, little girl?"

"Nope."  Steffi reached up, grabbed the microphone, and brought it down. 
  "I guess I'm new here, so that's why they picked me to give this 
award.  So here are your awardees..."  She opened the envelope.  "Just 
one winner.  Colin Stokes!"

The display showed, "RACC20, FAVORITE NEW WRITER:  Colin Stokes! 
(accepted by Vivian the stylist from Salon DYAL)"

A glamorous hair stylist in a long-sleeved black t-shirt with shoulders 
cut off, black pants, and flowing shimmery dress around them, came on 
stage.  As she looked at Steffi, she gasped in alarm.  "No, no, no!  You 
should be wearing air colors!  The blue jeans are fine, but that red 
shirt has got to go!  And the hair just needs to grow up!"

Steffi looked skeptical.  "Uh, you know I'm not a grown-up, right?"

"Right, but you're still a fashion disaster!"

Gjallar chimed in, "Yah, maybe.  Got any words of advice for the *rest* 
of us?"

"Just... Stay in touch with yourselves, and thanks for your support!" 
Vivian accepted the award from Steffi, and walked off stage.

(Salon DYAL brought to you by 
http://deucexmachina.deviantart.com/gallery/36398536/D-Verse/. )

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"Now it's THE RABBIT-BREEDER'S CUP!  Where I come from, we call that the 
Whatsisname Award!  Y'know, that guy who writes *some* of us once a week 
or so!"  The band flourished.  "But there's some people who do *two* web 
comics a week, and we got someone from one of those to come present 
here!  Presenting today, Mister Farnsworth, Butler to Detectives!"  The 
band played from "Watching the Detectives".

A butler came on stage with a tray holding a teapot, a teacup, and a 
flask.  "Thank you, sir.  Would you fancy a cup?"

"Depends what's in that flask!"

"We have here the Glenfiddich of 1885."

"Yum!"  Gjallar Johanssen grabbed the flask and drained it.

"... Quite.  It has matured only twelve years, but I am confident this 
has not affected your enjoyment, sir."

"You bet!"

"Yes, sir.  Now, on to the award...  Oh, I have some excitement for you, 
sir."

Gjallar raised his pinky as he held the empty flask of Scotch whiskey. 
"Oh, *please* do tell."

"The award has a runner-up this year, sir, by the name of Andrew Perron."

"And *whom* might the winner be?"

"My master believes he might be your same Whatsisname... an individual 
infamous on your Interwebs under the name of Scott Eiler."

"Aww, *crap!*  I was bettin' on Arthur!"

At the stage, the band flourished and John Revolta sang, "Wah wah..."

The display showed:  "THE RABBIT-BREEDER'S CUP:  Winner:  Scott Eiler! 
Runner-Up:  Andrew Perron!  (Accepted by Wyatt Ferguson and Kid 
Enthusiastic)"

Kid Enthusiastic (now non-dark) and Wyatt Ferguson (now grown-up and 
absent death's head) walked to the stage together.  Wyatt said, "I know 
the Powernaut takes all the credit for regular breeding out of my, ahem, 
barns.  So you'd think he'd be here today.  But *accepting* this award 
seems more like *my* job somehow.  And *this* guy gets a lot of the 
credit for whatever you're tracking for "rabbit-breeding", because he 
actually *likes* this stuff.  That's practically a superpower right 
there."  Wyatt pointed at Kid Enthusiastic.

"Thanks, Wyatt!  Your Artist puts out cartoons like he loves it instead 
of trying to make money at it!  Your Writer still writes stories here, 
more than some of the old regulars!  And he still feeds stuff into LNH 
comics like no one else does unless they write the stories themselves! 
*And* he comments on what other people write!"

They said together, "Thanks!"

The band played and John Revolta sang, "Kum Ba Yah, My Lord..."

Farnsworth the butler said, "... Ehh, quite.  Perhaps you might proceed 
to the next award, Mister Johanssen."

Gjallar had just counted to three on his fingers, and was contemplating 
one more.  He said at the audience, "Now is that four Whatsisame Awards, 
or only three?"  Then he turned to the butler and changed his tone. 
"Yes, perhaps we might proceed now."  He retracted his other fingers but 
still stuck out his pinky - and turned to the audience while pumping his 
fist.  "Am I right?"

The audience cheered.  Farnsworth responded, "Very good, sir."

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Gjallar continued.  "Here's a good one:  THE JOHNNY SOKKO 'COME BACK, 
GIANT ROBOT, COME BACK' LOVING CUP:  Presented by: The Sphinx!"

The stage broke open again.  The real Sphinx appeared, and malevolently 
glared its head down upon the crowd.  "I desire to come back too.  Have 
you a Loving Cup for *me*?"

The band played and John Revolta sang, "Walk like an Egyptian!"

At Brass Team Alpha...  "Aw, $#!+.  That Sphinx is *possessed!* 
Security Measure Beta Go!"

"Really?  You're weaponizing the Moon to *vaporize the Sphinx*??"

"You bet!  We got one of those Super Wizards to help us!  Four 
seconds...  Three...  Two..."

"Abort!"

"Aw, crap... Re-aim!"

A beam of light sizzled through the sky above the Sphinx.  The crowd 
cheered.  The Sphinx blinked, and said, "I see you have fireworks for 
me.  That shall have to suffice.  Anyway, it's fortunate I can see 
inside your award envelope from here.  Your awardees are...  Hey, didn't 
*that* absent person win awards for his writing earlier in *this ceremony*?"

As the Sphinx read, the display said:  "THE JOHNNY SOKKO "COME BACK, 
GIANT ROBOT, COME BACK" LOVING CUP:  Wil Alambre!  Runner-Up:  Jamie 
Rosen!  (Awards accepted by The Good Dog and Billy Kidman)"

A dog with a cape flew to the podium.  He barked "Woof!  Woof!!", picked 
up his award with his teeth, and hovered as a man came to the microphone.

The man said, "Thank you.  I'm Billy Kidman, also known as Template.  I 
go back so far, I was around when Eightfold Comics started.  I'm 
impressed you still think of me and my writer.  Thanks!"

                  .....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....

Ress had gotten into position to destroy the Venus beast.  He was 
luridly green-skinned and orange-haired, as befitted Dread Venus.  He 
was on stage, manipulating some device which produced throbbing noises, 
as part of the ceremony.  But that would not save him.  She took an 
ambush position and made her shot.

The blast disrupted some Earthly materials as it slashed across the 
stage.  But the Venus beast dodged the deadly bolt!  He extended claws, 
and said, "Rrrressss!"

Ress ran.  She wondered, how could this beast know her?  Some sort of 
mental sense?  Who could know what powers a dread Venus-creature might have?

But she found a woman blocking her way, wielding a sword.  "I am 
Zenobia.  I know the thing you hunt.  By ancient compact *I am its ally.*"

                  .....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....

Back on the stage, the Ultimate Mercenary noticed the blast.  His ninja 
skills told him, the target had been his band-mate.  His team-mate.

He turned to Mashup Laq.  "Our friend just got attacked!  Whatever 
Legion this is, do we respond?"

Mashup Laq put his hand on UM's shoulder and said, "I bet we do."  Then 
he moved over to Tanya, and put his hand on her shoulder.  "Do we?"

Tanya said, "Hell, yes!"  The Ultimate Mercenary was already on the 
move.  Tanya followed.

"Ooohh...  You and UM.  And then there're your friends.  I *got the 
Mash*."  He took a moment, and gestured toward the galleries.  "Legion 
20!  Do we respond?"

Some, like January Frost and Mentus the Mouse, just shrugged.  But Doc 
Nostalgia said, "Yes!  Long Last the Legion!"  Most of the Legion 
charged out behind him.

Mashup Laq turned to the main LNH gallery.  "UM is one of your own!  Do 
*you* fight beside him?"

Most said, "Who?"  But the Ultimate Ninja said, "Yes!  Lengthy Linger 
the Legion!"  He and a team of Legionnaires charged out.

Mashup Laq turned to the SW10 gallery.  "One of *yours* was attacked! 
Do *you* fight beside him?"

Psychovant the Duck rested with his webbed feet on the balcony.  He 
said, "Ha Ha Ha!  This is hilarious!"  Powernaut 1969 sat beside him and 
shrugged.

But Powernaut 1912 was there too!  He said, "We *will* fight beside the 
innocent!"  He jumped down and charged, with a regimental flag saying 
"SW10".  Powernaut 2005 flew down and followed him.   Others joined that 
heroic wave.

On stage, Gjallar Johanssen said, "Hey, no startin' the fight without 
me!"  He ran after the heroes.  A cameraman followed.  The monitor cut 
to that camera scene.

At Brass Team Headquarters... "Oh, $#!+!"

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                         NEXT:  PART 3 OF 3!
                  .....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....

-- 
(signed) Scott Eiler  8{D> -------- http://www.eilertech.com/ ---------

When you *are* the leader... whatever goes wrong... whether you did it
or not... *you* are held responsible. - Barack Obama

I know. - Archie Andrews

- from Archie #617, March 2011, scripted by Alex Simmons.