LNHY: Death of Trophy Wife # 1

[Andrew Perron]

On 11/16/2014 12:27 PM, Adrian McClure wrote:
> NOTE: This takes place after the LNHY issue I'm posting this week, since
> apparently I can't write ANYTHING in order. This story is a little ACRA.

OF COURSE. :D

> The first thing you have to understand is that in the world called T-Bone,
> there is no single unified death figure. Rather, each person has their own
> Death who is created for them at the moment of their birth, who follows them
> throughout their life.

Fascinating. COSMOLOGY YEAH

> Trophy Wife was tucking the newest LNHer, Princess Robot, into bed.

Awwwww. ^.^

> "They're safe!" he said. "I was worried that Princess Robot would destroy
> them! She doesn't know her own strength! But I was ready to make the
> sacrifice--the terrible sacrifice--to ensure that every child has the right to
> comics!"

a.) HELLS YEAH
b.) I like how you're writing him with a sort of Arthur Spitzer style.

> "....certainly! But..." He tapped his fingers together. "Do you have any...
> ulterior motives?! Are you propositioning me?!"
>
> "Hell yeah I am."

BWAHAHAHA.

> "I certainly will!" said Exclamation!Master! and walked off to bed. Trophy
> Wife took a sad but appreciative look at his behind.. She loved him. And she
> didn't just feel affection for  him--she wanted him. She wanted to rip his
> clothes off and ride him like a mechanical bull. She felt a deep affinity with
> him--physical and spiritual.
>
> That was a bit of a problem.

Hmmmmmm. Fascinating.

> There'd been a news story
> going around a few years ago about a cat in a hospital who was drawn to dying
> patients. It fixated on the people who were near death, without fail, and lay
> on their bed until the end came. Trophy Wife, effectively, was that cat. She
> felt her deepest connections, both spiritual and physical, to people who were
> near death.

YES! Flesh out the joke character with emotional resonance, MWAHAHAHAAHAHAAAA

> She wasn't going to die though. It was nothing that easy. Instead, they would
> sacrifice her own Death. She would become the Elder God's bride, a living
> statue which was the conduit of its power, frozen forever in gold as humanity
> died around her.

Oooooooh. o.o

> Thankfully, that plan didn't quite work out. A sorcerer from
> another dimension--Professor Umbrella or something like that--had been
> wandering through and interrupted the ritual in the middle.

Cameos! <3

> She escaped just
> after the transformation had begun--still her own person, but now immortal and
> covered in gold, both apart from death and deeply linked to it.

Ahhhhh, yes. ~-~ Subvert the traditional narrative of victimhood!

> The first millionaire who'd gotten ahold of her was a legendary treasure
> hunter called North Dakota Smith who was investigating the ruins.

*snerk*

> That night, she sat alone at the usually-empty reception desk (most of the
> receptionists they'd tried hiring had quit within a week).

Yes, good emphasis of differences

> But while he might be a Death,
> he was still a man. And she knew men. She knew men the way Clausewitz knew
> armies.

A lot of Clausewitz on RACC lately!

> "That's not possible. This appointment has been scheduled a long time ago." He
> handed her his business card--completely plain, with no skulls or anything. It
> listed him as "Mr. The Death of Exclamation!Master!"

Bwahahahaha XD XD XD

> "I'm sorry, Mr. The Death of Exclamation!Master!, but if you want to kill
> Exclamation!Master! you'll have to fill out an LNH Member Death form.." Her
> husband had trapped the LNH within a net of beauraucracy, though she'd done
> her best to wheedle him out of it. She had a lot of practice wheedling. Now,
> though, she could turn it to her advantage and keep the Death of
> Exclamation!Master! off balance.

In this universe, the LNH is closer to Lawful Neutral.

> The look of absolute, pure hatred that briefly flashed through the Death of
> Exclamation!Master!'s eyes was both terrifying and oddly satisfying. "This
> paperwork has already been reviewed multiple times. If you want to review it
> later, you will have to appeal to the Universal Office."

Nice.

> "Drama!" spat the Death of Exclamation!Master! "Er, I mean. Drama.

Heeheehee.

> Trophy Wife walked out from behind the desk, cracked her knuckles and smiled.
> "Says you." And then she hit him with an uppercut that sent him crashing into
> the wall.
>
> "I... I am not authorized for a fight scene," said the Death of
> Exclamation!Master!
>
> "Well that's too damn bad." She grabbed the desk and threw it at him. (She'd
> fill out the desk-smashing form later.)

YEAH!

> "You.... you..." The Death of Exclamation-Master, his suit torn, pulled
> himself up. His eyes crackled with arcane energy and his muscles bulged
> angrily. "I will not stand for this! The Death of Exclamation!Master! is
> inevitable! It cannot be delayed! I--I--NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! It can't
> be!" He looked at his own hands, surrounded by energy primed for a blast, in
> stark terror. "I'M SUCCUMBING TO DRAMA!!!!!!!!!!!"

YEAH!!!

> Someone else, she now saw, was present in the room. "Bet you weren't expecting
> to see me again," said the Death of Trophy Wife. She looked like an archetypal
> hairy-legged Birkenstock-wearing butch lesbian. Actually, she was fairly
> attractive now that Trophy Wife thought about it.

Bwahahaha

> "You're probably right," said Trophy Wife, "but it was fun sometimes." They
> walked through the walls of the LNHQ together. "Damn it. I never filled out my
> will. I never expected to outlive that guy. That means he'll get all the
> artifacts I inherited from my first husband. The Complete Unexpurgated
> Net.cronomicon... the iCal... That can't be good."'

Plot hooks!

> "Someone will take care of it," said the Death of Trophy Wife. "They always do."
>
> "Wonder who'll take my place. I hope they get another woman eventually."

Does Princess Robot count, or are they non-binary?

> "Well..." said the Death of Trophy Wife, "that might take a while to sort out.
> Heaven and Hell are both... kind of in a state right now."
>
> "How so?"
>
> "They're trying to figure out what happened to God."

Dun dun dunnnnnnnnn... wow, this is actually the perfect place for me to 
follow on with my ideas about God-Y.

> The iCal is presumably a cosmic artifact similar to Moebius and Jodorowsky's
> Incal.

Ahhhhh, gotcha.

Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, holy crap, LNHY RETURN!