RACCIES: 2013 (20th Annual) RACCies Ceremony

Scott Eiler seiler at eilertech.com
Sat May 3 11:19:18 PDT 2014

Doctor Fatima "Fay" Tarif went into her office.  In her inbox, she saw a 
small cardboard carton.

She considered just opening it.  But she'd worked with police and 
superheroes before, so she knew that opening packages from strangers was 
a bad idea without some protection.  So first she fetched a special 
protective vest she'd invented.

The carton wrapped an ornate box, with an envelope inside.  She opened it.

The vest didn't save her.


Like Dr. Fay, a man known as The Gastroenterologist went into his 
office.  The difference was, his office was at the End of Time.  He had 
to make sure the Universe expelled everything just right at the end, or 
there would be debris that might enter the next universe and grow up to 
be a Universal Destroyer or something.

In his inbox, he saw a small cardboard carton.  It had an ornate box, 
with an envelope inside.

He said, "I suppose this is the time."  He reached for one of his 
devices, and *then* opened the envelope.


The Crossover Queen opened the ornate gift box, and looked with disdain. 
  "Who put a dick in this box?"

"Excuse me, your Majesty?"

"I beg your own pardon, Chamberlain.  I merely jested.  There is no 
*dick* in this box.  It is *worse*.  It is an invitation to the RACCies."

"Could you simply *not open* the invitation, my Queen?"

"It is not that simple.  If I do not take this challenge, others will 
get the invitation and go in my place."  She opened the envelope.


They all landed in seats, in a stadium.  A stage was set up in the 
middle, Super Bowl style.  Lights came up over the stage.

                      o  o  o  o  o  o  o
               o  o  o     The  2013     o  o  o
         o  o  o  o  -->(*20TH* Annual)<--  o  o  o  o
               o  o  o  RACCie  AWARDS!  o  o  o
                      o  o  o  o  o  o  o

Loudspeakers said, "Welcome to the best amateur comics awards on the 
Internet - or at least the oldest!  THESE ARE THE *TWENTIETH* ANNUAL 
RACCIES!  This year, the *world* is watching!  Or if not this year, 
*next* year!"  There was wild clapping.

"We greet the world with our Parade of Champions!"  Opera music 
flourished, alongside electric guitars.  Little Nemo himself floated 
above the stadium, and ballet dancers danced on the sidelines, while 
garish floats drove through.  Characters rode the floats.  Or at least 
their lookalikes did.

1994:  [LNH] Legion of Occult Heroes (Favorite Series!)

1995:  [LNH] Decibel Dude and Vigilante Guy (Favorite Series!)

1996:  [LNH] Dvandom Force (Favorite Series!)

1997:  [MISC] Guttertrash (Favorite Series!  Also 1999!)

1998:  [Omega] Tempest (Favorite Series!)

1999:  [ASH] STRAFE #6-12, "The Slow Burn" & "Bonfire of the Vanities" 
(Favorite Arc!)

2000:  [LNH] Easily-Discovered Man (Favorite Series!  Also 2002, 2004, 
2006, 2007!)

2001:  [LNH] Limp-Asparagus Lad (Favorite Series!  Also 2003!)

2002:  [ASH] ASH #37-41: City of Lights (Favorite Arc!)

2003:  [LNH] Net.Heroes on Parade (Tied with Limp-Asparagus Lad for 
Favorite Series!)

2004:  [LNH] The Continuing Misadventures of Miss Translation (Tied with 
Easily-Discovered Man for Favorite Series!)

2005:  [LNH] Another tie!  Alt.Riders and Legion of Net.Heroes Volume 2 
(Favorite Series!)

2006:  [LNH] WikiBoy (Favorite Character!)

2007:  [ASH] Lady Lawful and Doctor Developer (Tied with 
Easily-Discovered Man for Favorite Series!)

2008:  [8FOLD} Jolt City (Favorite Ongoing Series!)

2009:  [LNH] Digital JUMP! (Favorite Ongoing Series!)

2010:  [MISC] Spellbinder (Favorite Ongoing Series!)

2011:  [MV] The Super Wizard from Space (Favorite Ongoing Series!)

2012:  [MISC] Correspondence from the Goddess (Favorite Ongoing Series!)


The loudspeaker spoke again.  "That brings us to 2013!  To start the 
ceremony, we bring in...  A *Writer!*"  The audience gasped.

A flashing portal opened onto the stage.  A battered yellow taxi crashed 
through.  A Creature stepped out of it, passed a bill back inside, and 
said, "Thanks, Ron."  He resembled a bearded man in a hat and a 
trenchcoat, only with more dimensions somehow.

A greater universe EXISTED behind him, through the portal.  It CRUSHED 
and CRUNCHED and CRACKED, as though it would come CRASHING in at any 
SECOND, as though the little marks in the flow of TIME mattered to it...

"Hey!  STOP that!"  The man looked back at the universe.  "We're GUESTS 

The universe SUBSIDED.

"... Thank you.  That's better.  Now...  I hear you revere The Writers! 
  Last year, the RACCies sent a delegation to us!  This year, I'm 
returning the visit!  I *am* a Writer, Scott Eiler!  You may recognize 
me from the award-winning Superhuman World, and the *almost* 
award-winning Powernaut!"  The Writer waited for cheering.  He heard 
none.  Awkwardly, he continued.

"... Anyway, I'm just here to introduce someone you already know and 
love!  Here comes... the CHUGGERNAUT!"

A beer train burst through the gates of the stadium.  Cold flakes flew 
off it.  It docked at the stage.  A muscular man with a cape stepped out 

The crowd went wild.  The Jumbotron showed Lydia and Elana Devin opening 
24-ounce cans of Chugg Beer and unfastening buttons on their blouses. 
The camera cut to show Emperor M of the Mummy Machines extending a 
bottle opener for Queen Buzzz of the Killer Beezz to use.  Then Pope 
Lizardsaurus enjoyed a can of Chugg, without even moving.  Montage shots 
showed the Ultimate Ninja, Martin Rock, Ellipsis, and several others in 
turn - each opening an obviously-cold can of Chugg with relish.  Even 
Chevalier's mouse sidekick Tom-Tom was perched on the side of a can of 
Chugg, drinking with a straw.  A voiceover murmured beneath Tom-Tom, 
"chugg is not for juvenile mice.  please drink responsibly."

In the stands, the Crossover Queen spoke disdainfully.  "I know 
Crossovers.  This is no Crossover.  This is a Parody."

On the stage, the Chuggernaut continued.  "I Know Some Of You Think This 


On the Jumbotron...

A man snuggles next to a woman on a sofa, as they watch something 
exciting on TV.  The woman cheers.  A deep male voice comments, "You 
know what she wants from you.  Why not *satisfy* her - by *winning a 
RACCie Award*?  Anyone can!"  The logo of the 20th Annual RACCies comes 
up, as a sultry female voice says, "Women can win RACCies too!"

A little white girl says, "My mommy works for the RACCies!"  A black 
woman in a smock appears on screen.  "She makes planes that fly, and 
light bulbs that shine underwater, and, uh, everything!  And my *other* 
mommy makes the best pies!  Yay for the RACCies!"  The logo of the 
Church of the Fourth Wall appeared.

An excerpt from interview with President Barracks Boatman:  "This is not 
to disparage our allies in Germany.de, Canada.ca, Alt.stralia, 
Net.Zealand, and throughout the world.  But I'm confident for the 2013 
awards the Use.Netted States of Ame.rec.a will field the best RACCies 
team ever."

A big horse nuzzles up to a service dog, next to a grave.  Children 
strew flowers.  A caption says, "Chugg Supports Our Veterans.  And the 

A news item:  "A man boarded a plane for the RACCies today, and said he 
had a bomb.  He then disappeared - and reappeared directly into a 
Turkish prison.  The best guess is, a superhuman on board the plane 
deposited him there directly...  Well, yay for the RACCies!"

In several languages, with subtitles, to the tune of "We Are The World": 
  "We are the world!  We are the RACCies!  We are the special spirit of 
imagination!"  At the end was the Jolt City Cola logo.

And the Jumbotron went on.  And on.  And on.


The Crossover Queen did not have a *special* seat in the stands. 
Instead, she was among an entire section of people chugging Chugg Beer. 
  She was getting very annoyed...  "These announcements are endless!  I 
require a *true* Crossover to end them!"

She looked through the stands.  "That one.  And that one."

She shifted out from her seat.  And they shifted out from theirs.


Dr. Fay entered a special spectator box, alongside an apparent medical 
doctor and a Disney-looking evil queen.  Inside the box were a buxom 
woman in revealing red leather, and a fat guy in purple jeans and 
turtleneck sweater plus orange tunic.

The Crossover Queen said to the other woman, "You seem familiar.  But in 
any case, let us *fully* introduce ourselves before we resolve our 
issue.  I am Queen H'yddee'ho of the Planet H'yddee'uzzz.  But *you* may 
address me as the Crossover Queen."

"Indeed.  *I* am now Vector Social Network, but I hold the title of 
Crime Empress.  And yes, I *am* holding the RACCies hostage.  The 
Chuggernaut works for *me* now.  So do the networks.  They will continue 
to show commercials until I tell them to cease."  She pointed at a button.

"Well then.  We of course know the button is keyed to your bio-signature 
and your verbal commands.  Or whatever.  So we shan't try to override 
them yet...  What are your demands?"

"I *insist* on reviewing the judges' decisions before awards are issued. 
  I believe that as a longstanding character of a major series and as a 
commander of other such characters, I have a proper interest.  Any 
*other* continuum would have put me into a secret cabal by now to 
determine the fate of worlds."

"Oh, just *you*?", retorted the Crossover Queen.

The two villainesses glowered at each other - until Dr. Fay interrupted. 
  She pointed at the fat man.  "Enough about you two.  What about *him*?"

The Crossover Queen said to the Crime Empress, "I apologize for my 
underling.  We shall of course reveal our minion identities in due course."

Dr. Fay erupted.  "Underling?!?  *Minion*?!?"

The Gastroenterologist touched Dr. Fay lightly on the arm.  "Doctors are 
*often* minions.  Trust me on this one."

Dr. Fay shrugged, and turned to the Crime Empress.  "Oh, *please* pardon 
me, Empress of All The Universes.  You *did* say you were an Empress, 

"Ah, you flatter.  Please continue."

"Whatever...  Wonderful Empress, *who* might be your companion?"  Dr. 
Fay pointed again at the fat guy.

"Why, I have found a minion with the full power of one of those endless 
Superman avatars, and none of their self-esteem.  Hence he is *my slave* 
now.  Behold, the Losernaut!"

The Losernaut looked over at the Crime Empress.  "Slave?  But Empress, 
you promised I was a *hero*!"

"Of *course* you are a hero, my slave... err, my hero.  Now, subdue 
these visitors."

"Yes, Empress.  How about this one first?"  He pointed at Dr. Fay.


As the fat man lunged at her, Dr. Fay turned her protective vest on. 
The Losernaut tripped right *through* her, as she phased halfway out of 

The Gastroenterologist smiled.  Then he turned to the Losernaut and 
spoke.  "In my professional opinion, you are clogging the continuum." 
He raised a Kirby Device.

The Losernaut disappeared in a hail of Kirby Dots.

Dr. Fay gasped.  "He was harmless!  You really just destroyed him?"

"No, but I *did* reduce him to his core concept.  If his home universe 
ever needs him again, it shall have him."  Then he turned to the Crime 
Empress.  "But *you* shall not."

The Crime Empress raised her own two-pronged device, and pointed it at 
Dr. Fay and the Gastroenterologist - while yelling at the Crossover 
Queen.  "Is that so?  If I cannot have a super-powered minion on the 
Night of the RACCies, *no one shall!*"

Dr. Fay said, "You seem awfully fixated on these RACCies.  Is this all 
just because you wanted an award?"

The Crime Empress said, "But of course!  Awards are status!"

"All right then!  *I* award you...  uh,  Villainess Most Likely to Make 
a Comeback in the RACCies!"

"Aww..."  Tears came to the Crime Empress's eyes.  "That's what it's all 

The Crossover Queen yelled, "What about me?"

"Runner-up!  Now *shut up!*"

The Gastroenterologist spoke to the Crime Empress.  "If this drama is 
complete, do I have your permission to press *that* button to get things 
moving again?"

"Aww, that's the least I can do.  Be my guest...  System Override, New 

The Gastroenterologist pressed the button.

Nothing happened, at least in the room.

Dr. Fay and the Crossover Queen both exclaimed, "What just happened?" 
Then they looked at each other.

The Crime Empress smirked.  "Why, the RACCies just restarted.  In fact, 
your friend pressed the button hard enough to fast-forward through *all 
the awards*!  I hope *you two* weren't planning on accepting any..."

The others looked at the Gastroenterologist.  He shrugged and said, "My 
Cosmic Bowel-Clearing Sense must have subconsciously told me to do this."

Dr. Fay smirked and said, "I'm glad I'm not *that* kind of doctor."

"Oh, enough," said the Crime Empress.  "Minions, you have earned the 
right to accompany me back to the ceremony."

"Minions?!?...  Oh, just get me out of here."

"My pleasure, Minion Doctor Gastroenterologist and Minion Doctor Tarif."


The three were back in the stadium - together, at field side.  A display 
was scrolling up - and wrapping around to repeat.


	* Lady Lawful and Doctor Developer
	* Ripping Off King Arthur
	* The Super Wizard From Space
	* and five runners-up:  ASH, Cover Gallery, Godling, LNH v2, and 
One-Page Giant!

RACC3:  FAVORITE MINI-SERIES:  Lady Lawful and Doctor Developer:  Chore 

RACC4:  FAVORITE ARC:  Secret History of the Seven Cosmic Crowns!

RACC5:  FAVORITE SINGLE ISSUE:  Beige Countdown #9!


RACC7:  FAVORITE VILLAIN/ANTAGONIST:  Emperor M!  Runners-Up:  Plummet 
and Rippy Offy!

Runner-Up:  Elana Devin!

RACC9:  FAVORITE NEW CHARACTER:  Non-Judgmental Agnostic!  Runners-Up: 
The Drop Bear and Rippy Offy!


RACC11:  FAVORITE ACTION/ADVENTURE:  The Super Wizard From Space! 
Runner-Up:  ASH!

RACC12:  FAVORITE DRAMA/ACRAPHOBE:  Correspondence from the Goddess! 
Runner-Up:  Ripping Off King Arthur!

RACC13:  FAVORITE REVIEW TITLE:  Kid Review's Roundup!



RACC16:  BEST DISCUSSION:  Godling Reboot!

RACC17:  FAVORITE RUNNING GAG:  Explain-the-Joke Lass!  Runners-Up: 
Giant Pope Lizardsaurus Clip Art and Women Saying "Oh!" in Powernaut

RACC18:  MOST IMPROVED WRITER:  TIE - Wil Alambre and Arthur Spitzer! 
Runners-Up:  Jochem Vandersteen and Andrew Perron!


RACC20:  FAVORITE NEW TITLE:  Ripping Off King Arthur!  Runner-Up: 
Cover Gallery!

Doctor Stomper Bronze Boot:  Resource:  Electric Cars!

Rabbit-Breeder's Cup:  Scott Eiler!

Johnny Sokko Loving Cup:  Jeff "Drizzt" Barnes!  Runners-Up:  Ben Rawluk 
and Mitchell Crouch!

Spider Spins:  The LNH Wiki!


The awards had apparently been awarded faster than people could get to 
the stage to accept them!  The Chuggernaut had left.  Doctor Developer 
(wearing a jetpack) has apparently beaten Easily Discovered Man Lite and 
all the others to the stage, and was trying to sort the trophies out. 
With all the runners-up, that was no easy task - especially since he 
still had a can of Chugg beer nearby.  But he still seemed relatively 
capable, as though he had an antidote.  The Super Wizard From Space was 
floating above, also apparently antidoted - or else he'd just burned the 
effects off.  He was waiting for his own awards and trying to keep order 
as drunken people from almost every RACC-affiliated universe crowded 
toward the podium.

The Crossover Queen said, "Dammit!  I missed the award I should have won!"

The Gastroenterologist said, "Oh, move on.  This too shall pass."

Dr. Fay chuckled.


Author's Notes:

I was inspired by the Winter Olympics and the Super Bowl this year. 
Hence the commercials and the parade.  The commercials became important 
to the plot.

I see the award records through 2007 were tabulated by Arthur Spitzer, 
though I can find them under http://lnh.atwiki.com/page/RACCies , 
thanks.  2008 courtesy of the Usenet via Eyrie.  2009 courtesy of the 
Usenet via Freag.net.  2010 - 2012 come from my own records, because I 
don't throw old messages out.

I've continued the tradition of counting the runners-up:  those entries 
which could have won if one voter had switched one vote between first 
and second place.


The RACCies are full of character cameo appearances; each such character 
is of course the intellectual property of its respective owner.

I restricted the adventurers to *volunteers* this year.  I'd threatened 
to bring in other characters randomly and haphazardly.  This year's 
awards are brought to you by the random haphazard number Zero.  8{D>  We 
had these volunteers:

- Doctor Fatima Tarif (Dr. Fay) is used by permission of Tom Russell.

- The Gastroenterologist is used by permission of Andrew Perron.

- The Crossover Queen is used by permission by Adrian J. McClure.

- I volunteered the Losernaut, copyright 2014 by Eiler Technical 

- The Chuggernaut is used by permission of Arthur Spitzer.  Arthur had 
suggested him for *last* year.  So he got the consolation prize:  Master 
of Ceremonies!

As for villains:  The Crime Empress is a character of Lalo Martins.  Our 
RACCie tabulator Andrew Perron suggested her.  I recall two villains 
were discussed, but I don't recall who the other one was because the 
Crime Empress worked out so well.

I love the tradition of "Night of the RACCies" stories.  The awarding 
was kind of a mob scene this year, so I'd especially love to hear who 
tries to accept awards, and how drunk they are.  I'll have my own award 
ceremony epilogue / Night of the RACCies prelude coming shortly.

I have to admit that for me, 2014 will be a RACCie-rebuilding year at 
best.  But thanks for keeping me in mind.  8{D>

(signed) Scott Eiler

(signed) Scott Eiler  8{D> -------- http://www.eilertech.com/ ---------

When you *are* the leader... whatever goes wrong... whether you did it
or not... *you* are held responsible. - Barack Obama

I know. - Archie Andrews

- from Archie #617, March 2011, scripted by Alex Simmons.

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