LNHY: Biblical Avengers #2: Apocalypse!
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Sun Jun 1 10:48:50 PDT 2014
Christ appeared in Jerusalem. There he saw Moses and Noah trying to apprehend Samson. Each of them held one of Samson's arms.
"Stop!" Christ said. "I command you!"
"Who are you?" Moses asked.
"I am Jesus Christ! The son of God!"
"There is only one god!" Noah said.
"Indeed!" Moses said. "And he doesn't dress like that!"
Samson's anger intensified and he was able to get free of Noah and Moses. "Sampson smash!" he said as he ran towards Jesus.
Seeing Samson run at him, Jesus Christ spoke his own name.
Biblical Avengers #2: Apocalypse!
Meanwhile, back in Heaven, Mohammed approached God.
"Yes, Mohammed?" God asked.
"All is ready."
"What is ready?" God asked.
"Why Project Apocalypse of course! All the faithful are waiting for their rapture and for the punishment of the infidels!"
"Oh!" God said. "It's like I told Christ. I'm cancelling the apocalypse."
Mohammed was shocked. "But the four horsemen are ready!"
"What are you talking about?" God asked.
Mohammed bowed his head. "My Lord, it would please me if you were to come with me to see what we have accomplished. I would like you to come with me up to Cloud Nine where the faithful have been assisting me in the preparations!"
Meanwhile, back on Earth, Christ held up his cross and called upon his power to control the weather. There was a thunderclap and lightning struck at Samson's feet.
"Enough!" Christ said. "The three of you are to come with me!"
He summoned his power to teleport the four of them to Mary McLean's apartment in New York City.
Meanwhile, on Cloud Nine.
"Behold!" Mohammed said. "The four horsemen."
The "four horsemen" were four massive flying gunships.
"I have named them War, Famine, Pestilence and Death in honor of the four horsemen of Revelations! They will send all the infidels to Hell leaving the faithful to build a Heaven on Earth!"
God nodded. "Yes, yes, this is all very impressive, but it occurs to me that if Christianity and Islam are truly religions of peace then it isn't right for us to promote the idea of destroying our enemies. The Bible also promises forgiveness. I don't want to contradict myself and promise forgiveness on one hand and then immediately turn around and deal destruction and death!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure."
"Because the faithful are, you know, counting on us to destroy the enemies of the faith."
"But that's just it," God said. "The Christians include the Muslims amongst the unfaithful because they don't follow Christ and the Muslims include the Christians amongst the unfaithful because they don't follow you. And what about the Buddhists who pray faithfully to Buddha or the Hindus who pray faithfully to Vishnu? How do I justify condemning any of those people to Hell?"
"My Lord, you promised!"
God shook his head. "The Muslims have been waiting a thousand years, the Christians even longer and the Jewish people even longer than the Christians. When are they going to realize it's not going to happen?"
"But, my Lord, the fear of Hell is the only reason why people pray!"
"Really?" God asked. "Is it the only reason?"
Mohammed nodded. "They have faith in your plan. They know you will do what is right."
God nodded. "Well, plans change! I'm the almighty God! I can change my mind if I want to! And this IS the right thing to do!"
Mohammed nodded as well. "As you wish."
God smiled. "I'm sorry you went to all this trouble for nothing!"
Mohammed bowed. "I only exist to serve you!"
Meanwhile, in Mary McLean's apartment, Christ was making introductions.
"This is Moses, this is Noah and this is Samson!" he said.
"Wow," Anna Marie Lopez, "so these guys are all real!"
Mary McLean gasped. "Anna! Are you telling me that you had been an atheist up to now?!"
Anna shook her head. "No, no, no! Of course not! It's just that some of those Biblical stories seemed, you know, a bit silly, you know?"
"Anna!" Mary said.
"Of course, that doesn't mean they weren't true!"
Back in Heaven, God was flying on a winged horse when two angels appeared. They flew down towards God and took their places on each side of him. Then, suddenly, they grabbed God and pulled him off his horse. God and the two angels fell through the sky and crashed onto the Earth.
"What is the meaning of this?" God asked. "Why have you assaulted me?"
A figure approached them. "They brought you here at my bidding!"
God recognized the demon who had once been an angel. "Satan!"
Satan laughed. "Yes, and now you are on Earth and under my power!"
"Christ, my son!" God said. "I need your help!"
Back in Mary McLean's apartment, Christ heard God's plea.
"God has been attacked! My friends, we must go to him!"
Christ teleported the four of them to where God had been attacked.
"Unhand him, you demon!" Moses commanded.
"Unhand him or feel God's wrath!" Noah warned.
Satan laughed. "What do I have to fear of God's wrath?" Satan asked. "I have an army!"
Just then a portal opened behind Satan and demons began to pour out.
"My army consists of 666 legions, each legion being composed of 6,666 demons. That's 44,439,622 demons altogether!" Satan laughed. "The war between heaven and Hell has begun!"
Just then, on cue, the four "horsemen" appeared in the sky.
"That can't be a coincidence!" God said. "Satan and Mohammed must have planned this together! Satan has brought all the demons of Hell to Earth to bring about the apocalypse!"
Satan laughed. "Of course! The faithful were promised the Kingdom of Heaven but I was promised billions of souls being sent to Hell! I want this as much as anybody!"
"Christ! Moses! Noah! Samson!" God said. "You must avenge me! Destroy the demons and the horsemen alike! Smash them all!"
"Samson smash!" Samson said.
Christ used his lightning to kill all the demons while Moses concentrated on closing the portal. Noah, meanwhile, picked up Samson.
"Here," Noah said, "let me give you a hand." Noah threw Samson into the air and caused Samson to crash into one of the Horsemen. He proceeded to smash the Horseman to bits!
"It's working!" Moses said. "The portal is closing!"
"And all the demons who got through are dead!" Christ said.
"There's still three more Horsemen!" God said.
"Moses," Christ said. "Come with me."
Christ teleported Moses onto one of the Horsemen. "Concentrate all your power onto this machine! Rip it in half!"
"So be it!" Moses said. "It shall be parted in two."
Samson, meanwhile, jumped off of the Horsemen he had destroyed before it crashed to the ground. Noah ran up to him.
"Do you want me to help you again?" Noah asked.
"Samson smash!" Samson said.
"I'll take that as a yes!"
Noah picked up Samson and threw him towards another Horseman.
Mohammed appeared beside God and Satan.
"Your avengers will fail to stop us," Mohammed said. "They are too late."
"What do you mean?"
"The final Horseman is Death! It is targeting all the infidels everywhere!"
"How?" God asked.
Mohammed smiled. "We developed a computer program that identifies all threats to Heaven. Every single infidel everywhere in the world is being targeted at once! Every single infidel will die! Your avengers will be too late to stop them!"
"Christ!" God shouted. "You must destroy the final Horseman NOW!"
Christ summoned his lightning and struck the last Horseman. The resulting electromagnetic pulse left the Horseman's computer systems useless! The huge hunk of metal fell to the Earth and crashed.
"We need to get off of this thing!" Moses said as the Horseman they stood on ripped apart.
"Agreed!" Christ said as he teleported the two of them to the ground.
"Samson smash!" Samson said as he destroyed the last of the Horsemen,
"Nuts!" Mohammed said.
"The Apocalypse has been cancelled!" God said.
"Wait," an onlooker said. "What do you mean the Apocalypse has been cancelled? Are we not going to see the Kingdom of Heaven on Earth?"
God smiled. "If you want Heaven on Earth then what you need do is love one another and live in peace! In a world with no more war, in which all of mankind is working together, you can accomplish anything, build anything and make the Heaven on Earth you have always dreamed of for yourselves."
The onlooker grimaced. "Well... that just sucks!"
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