LNH/REPOST: Just Imagine Saxon Brenton's RACCies on a Plane Filled with Killer Ninja Gorillas! - Trade Etherback Complete Collection

[Andrew Perron]

Just Imagine Saxon Brenton's RACCies on a Plane Filled with Killer 
Ninja Gorillas! - Trade Etherback Complete Collection

     This trade etherback collects the third 'Just Imagine...' chaotic 
add-on cascade.  It contains the four parts of the _Just Imagine... 
Saxon Brenton Presents the RACCies on a Plane Filled with Killer Ninja 
Gorillas!_ story from 2007.  Collected into TEB form by Andrew Perron, 
based on the collections of the first two storylines by Saxon Brenton.

The full sequence to date is:
     * Just Imagine Saxon Brenton's RACCies! [2005]
     * Just Imagine Saxon Brenton Presents the RACCies... Again! [2006]
     * Just Imagine... Saxon Brenton's RACCies on a Plane Filled with
            Killer Ninja Gorillas! [2007]
     * Just Imagine Saxon Brenton vs. Andrew Perron in the Return of
            the RACCies! [2009-2011]

 #1 - Arthur Spitzer
 #2 - Martin Phipps
 #3 - Saxon Brenton
 #4 - Martin Phipps

[1]
Written by: Arthur Spitzer

Just Imagine... Saxon Brenton's RACCies
on a Plane Filled with Killer Ninja Gorillas!  #1

"But, I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh Ninja, I hate to go"
-- John Denver VS The Ninjas

     I'm a guy.  In a trenchcoat.  And I'm sitting on a plane.

Of course it will only be a matter of time before I start fighting
ninjas.  This is the calm before the storm.

But right now I'm sitting and contemplating life.

There's someone sitting next to me.  A strange tall man wearing an old
railroad conductor's hat, dress pants, shirt, and suspenders.  I get the
impression he wants to talk to me.  I try to ignore him, but it doesn't
seem to do any good.

"Say, you wear a trenchcoat, don't you?" he says with a friendly smile.

"Yeah.  What of it."  I try not to make any eye contact.

"It's okay.  I'm a member too.  A member of the NTB," he says with a wink.

"No idea what you're talking about."

"The Net.Trenchcoat Brigade."

"Never heard of it."  God, I wish they had a mute section.

"Oh, right."  He gives another wink.  "Gotcha.  We're being watched,
aren't we?  Who is it?  The Universal Office?  The Incorporate
Conspiracy?  The Naughty Teenaged Babes?  I fought those luscious lasses
once.  Well, more like I let them beat me -- not so much a fight.  The
names Simon Velcro BTW."  He puts his hand out so I can shake it.  After
a couple of minutes he realizes I'm not going to shake it.

A name.  God, I had a name once.  Back in the days before I put on a
trenchcoat.  Back before I fought ninjas.  But it was so long ago.  What
is my name?  I finally make something up.  "Guy.  Guy Trenchcoat."

"Pleased to meet you, Guy!  Oh BTW just in case you were wondering why I
don't seem to be wearing a trenchcoat, well, it was stolen.  By A
Negatively Trained Bartender, I might add.  Nasty sort.  Spent a few
years in the LNH by the name Bladder Infection ?Lad.  But I've decided
to go back to my roots.  Yes.  Mature story telling.  There's the key.
I imagine you're on some soul-searching journey, eh?  Some quest to find
the truth of the universe and its deep social and political
ramifications on our society in some grand symbolism enriched allegory,
right?  Can't quite do that sort of thing in spandex.  Need a
trenchcoat.  Yes.  A trenchcoat.  And some smokes.  A cigarette dangling
from your mouth.  Blast the airline regulations that deny us our baser
pleasures.  So, where are you headed?"

And something funny happens while I'm listening to this moron blab away.
  I begin to want the ninjas.  I want them to come so this stupid
conversation can finally come to an end.  Why won't they come?  What's
taking them so long?  How much more of this do I have to take?  Finally,
I snap.

"Look you stupid bastard!  I wear a trenchcoat!  I fight ninjas!  That's
my life!  I have no name!  I have no destination!  I have no dreams!  I
have nothing except this trenchcoat and this magical gun that I use to
kill the ninjas!  There is nothing else!  Nothing!"

"Wow!  How did you smuggle a gun on here?  I tried to smuggle some
shampoo on the plane and I got a full body strip search for my trouble.
  I have to admit I kind of enjoyed it, but still..."

"Arrhhrhhghghghhghh!!!!!!!!"

"Oh, I get it!  This is all an allegory about the Middle East crisis and
the ninja (which is the proper plural of ninja -- just so you know)
represent the price of oil.  Brilliant."

And I try to clear his voice out of my mind.

Come Ninjas.  Come Ninjas.  Come Ninjas!!!

And I wait.

And I wait.

************************

Elsewhere on the Plane...

Seated in a private section of this super dooper jet was a dog.  A dog
wearing a trenchcoat.  And a gold necklace on his neck.  And a tenor
sax.  A dog named Dr. Cool J Dog.

And in the seat opposite to him was a reporter with a notebook working
for Magazine called Pointless Reading Magazine.  A man named Pointless
Interviews Man.

Pointless Interviews Man:  "I guess the first question I have to ask you
is this: Why are you so damn cool?"

Dr. Cool J Dog:  "Well.  That's a question I get quite a lot.  What can
I say?  I'm cool because I'm Dr. Cool J Dog.  Can't help it.  Also the
fact that I have a lower blood temperature might be a factor."

PIM:  "How can I -- or the readers at home become that cool?"

Dr CJD:  "Well.  It's scientifically impossible to be as cool as I am,
but if you or your readers want to get close to the coolness that is me
you go to the newsgroup rec.arts.comics.creative and start writing for
the LNHY Imprint.  You'll be so damn cool you'll give your neighborhood
frostbite."

PIM:  "Cool.  What are your thoughts on the whole Middle East crisis?"

Dr CJD:  Well, all I can say is that if people would just stop hating
each other and start writing for the LNHY Imprint, the world would be a
much happier place.

PIM:  "Amen to that.  And how about Saxon Brenton?  This is his third
and final time of handling the Raccies.  What are your thoughts on that?"

Dr CJD:  What can I say?  Saxon Brenton was one of those true gems that
light up the Universe.  I always loved the way he would poke dangerous
animals with sticks and stick his hands down crocodiles' throats.  And
the way he'd say 'Crikey' with that funny accent and kid like grin of
his while he was doing it.  *Sigh*.  And to be killed by some bastard
stingray.  *Shakes head*.  He was one of the good ones.  I'm not quite
sure how he's going to do the Raccies from beyond the grave, but if
anyone can -- Saxon can.  God bless you, mate."

PIM:  "Umm.  I think you're thinking of Steve Irwin.  Saxon Brenton is
still alive.  Saxon Brenton writes Limp Asparagus Lad."

Dr CJD:  "Oh.  Umm.  Never heard of him."

PIM:  "Speaking of the awards, you're not eligible for the favorite new
character award this year because you first appeared in 2005 and you
weren't even nominated that year.  Why did the voters make such a huge
mistake in not giving you that prize?"

Dr CJD:  "Well, you can't blame them.  My first appearance was in some
stupid story called 'A Suicide on Destiny's Child' or something like
that.  My part was the only thing worth reading in that issue.  I tried
to convince the writer to fire that asian guy and put me in the lead,
but they decided against it.  And well, that's the way it goes."

PIM:  "Do you feel good about winning this year?"

Dr CJD:  "Well.  I mean 'The Way Cool Adventures of Dr. Cool J Dog' is
probably the best thing to be written since Tolstoy scribbled down 'War
and Peace' and I was like Marlon Brando in it.  But.  You can never tell
about these things.  Because you always have to take into consideration
the 'Talking Gorilla Conspiracy'.

PIM:  "Are you saying that there's a talking gorilla bias in the Raccies?"

Dr CJD:  "Of course.  When was the last time a talking dog ever won a
Raccie?"

PIM:  "Well, Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch won a couple of
awards."

Dr CJD:  "Right.  I'll let you in on an ugly secret.  Cauliflower wasn't
really a dog.  He was actually -- a midget talking gorilla in a dog suit.

PIM:  "No!"

Dr CJD:  "Sad, but true.  I was up for the Cauliflower part.  Would have
given him an edge.  Thought he should carry a gun.  But the writers
disagreed with my interpretation.  And so the story goes."

PIM:  "Sounds like you would have made a badass Cauliflower."

Dr CJD:  "Don't you know it.  But there's the thing.  In this world you
have to remember that just because you deserve something doesn't mean
you'll get it.  Look at Archer Sloane.  Clearly if anyone ever deserved
an award for greatness it was my good buddy Archer Sloane.  He was one
of the best.  But because people just can't handle greatness they gave
his award to some guy named 'Anyone, but Archer Sloane'.  It devastated
him.  He lost his job.  Started drinking and doing drugs.  I saw him the
other day.  He was panhandling in the streets for a heroin fix.  It was
sad.  He was one of the beautiful people.  But I guess too beautiful for
our world.  Sad."

PIM:  "That is a sad story.  Moving on.  Let's take a look at your
personal life.  What do you think about these rumors that say you're gay?"

Dr CJD:  "Completely ridiculous.  I mean really.  I guess this all
started because of that 'Gay Sex' tape I made.  Look.  I've made over a
hundred sex tapes that have me banging tons and tons of
hot-mouthwatering babes!  Hundreds!  And so I accidentally make one --
just one -- 'Gay Sex' tape and all of a sudden I'm Mr. Gay?  I mean come
on!  Who hasn't made at least one 'Gay Sex' tape of themselves?  Really?
  And so hey -- I didn't want to do it.  It was just one of those
things.  You see I'm in Europe, which is culturally different.  And I'm
a little -- you know -- stoned.  And -- I accidentally walk into this
room and there are these guys who invite me to join them... And I don't
want to be impolite so I... Look.  It was okay, but not my thing.  It
was Europe!  Just one tape.  It was nothing.  This whole thing's been
blown out of proportion."

PIM:  "But -- it was like 12 hours long."

Dr CJD:  "12 European Hours!  Time works differently there.  Look.  I
suspect your readers are really bored by this.  Let's move to another
subject."

PIM:  "Okay.  Any thoughts about your future work?"

Dr CJD:  "Well, I'd like to do some dramatic work.  Something serious.
I've been in talks with Dave Van Domelen about possibly doing an ASH
series.  I've got this series in my head called 'Tek Dog's Galactic
Space Banger Posse'.  I'd be playing this cool space captain who's part
computer hacker and part space pimp who leads this group of unruly space
pirates across the galaxy and I'd have sex with alien space women.  But
we're still in the negotiation phase, so it might not happen."

PIM:  "Sounds good.  I guess we should start to wrap this up.  A couple
final questions.  What are your thoughts on all of these killer ninja
gorillas who've silently crept into our private part of the jet?  Is
this another sign of why we need better airport security?"

Dr CJD:  "What?  What are you... Oh, no!  Arrrghhhhrhhghghghh!!!!
Ahhghghghghghgghghgh!!!!"

PIM:  "How does that feel?  Killer Ninja Gorillas stabbing you to death?
  Does that...  Hmm.  Maybe I should stop asking questions and get the
hell...  No!  Aaaarrrrrghghghghghgh!!!!!  Please!!!
Ahhghghghghghgghghgh!!!!"

************************

"And so it begins..."

The voice comes in a deep dark corner of the room where a group of
masked gorillas with golden banana necklaces sit in a circle.

"The Conspiracy has taken care of the Cool Dog.  Now nothing will stand
in the way of complete talking gorilla victory in the Raccies."

In the middle of the circle lies a crystal.  Within that crystal can be
seen a story.  A story entitled 'Just Imagine Saxon Brenton Presents the
RACCies... Again! #6'.

************************

"First it was motherfucking snakes!  Then it was motherfucking ninjas!
And now?  It's motherfucking killer ninja gorillas!  Motherfucker!  I
suppose the next time I'll have to deal with motherfucking
motherfuckers!  Damn, how I hate flying!  Motherfucker!"

Samuel L. Jackson took a deep breath.  And then he continued on his way
down the aisle carrying a big bag of trouble.

"Wow!  Hey, you're Samuel L. Jackson!  Aren't you?" gasped Simon Velcro.

"No.  I'm Santa "Motherfucking" Claus!  Who the fuck is this chatty
motherfucker," Samuel L. Jackson said asking the Man in the Trenchcoat.

"Don't ask.  You don't want to know.  How bad is it?"

"It's bad.  Bad as a motherfucker fucking a motherfucker at a
motherfucker jamboree.  They're swarming all over the plane.  And
they're not just ninjas -- They're Killer Motherfucking Ninja Gorillas!"

"Damn."  A disturbed expression surfaced on The Man with a Trenchcoat's
face.  "You have the guns?"

Samuel L. Jackson nodded his head.  He emptied his big bag.  Guns and
hand-grenades fell out of it.

"Whoahh!  God!  How in the world did you get all of this on the plane?"
  Simon Velcro's eyes bulged out.

"What are you?  The Motherfucking Question Fairy?  The only thing you
need to know is that they're a million killer ninja gorillas on this
plane and we've got to stop them.  So here's a fucking gun!  You know
how to shoot, motherfucker?"

"Umm, yeah.  Kind of.  But -- isn't shooting a gun on an airplane a very
bad idea -- I mean..."

"They're no good ideas left.  Just bad ones and really bad ones.  We're
all probably going to die here.  The only way we could possibly beat all
of these killer gorilla ninjas is if we had a miracle.  A motherfucking
miracle!  And do you see any motherfucking miracles?  You see any?"

And all of a sudden out of one of the baggage compartments a beaver fell
out.  A beaver wearing red heart shaped sunglasses.

"Well how about that.  A motherfucking miracle.  Looks like we might
have a chance after all."  Samuel L. Jackson tossed Radish the
Valentine's Day Miracle Beaver a gun.

"Are you sure that's a good idea," Simon Velcro said in a slightly
fearful way, "Giving a beaver a gun?!"

"You're right!  Probably needs two."  Samuel L. Jackson tossed another
gun in Radish's direction.

"They're coming.  I can feel it," said the Guy wearing a Trenchcoat.
"Everyone!"

"Let's look sharp people!  Motherfucking Lock and Load!  Ladies and
Gentlemen, let's show these motherfuckers how to boogie!!"

"Um.  Are you sure this is how an NTB story should be written?" gulped
Simon Velcro as he closed his eyes and whispered a pray.

************************

Is Dr. Cool J Dog really dead?

And if so who will shill for the LNHY Imprint?

How did a bunch of killer ninja gorillas get on a plane without anyone
noticing?

Will this cascade actually reach a conclusion?

Will we ever get to see 'Tek Dog's Galactic Space Banger Posse'?

Is this really Saxon Brenton's Last Raccie Award Show?

Some of these questions might eventually be answered by someone who
isn't me...

************************

Credits:

Simon Velcro is Tom Russell's

Archer Sloane is Peter "Tick" Milan's

Samuel L. Jackson is Samuel L. Jackson's

Just Imagine... Saxon Brenton's RACCies! concept by Andrew "NO .SIG MAN"
"Juan" Perron

Author's Notes:

Some of this issue was supposed to be 'A Guy in a Trenchcoat Fighting
Ninjas #2', which I guess now probably won't ever be written...

And I haven't a clue what universe this is all taking place.

Arthur "I'm sure I'll think of something funny to put here after I post
this" Spitzer


[2]
Written by: Martin Phipps

Just Imagine... Saxon Brenton's RACCies
on a Plane Filled with Killer Ninja Gorillas!  #2

> Dr CJD:  "What?  What are you... Oh, no!  Arrrghhhhrhhghghghh!!!!
> Ahhghghghghghgghghgh!!!!"

> PIM:  "How does that feel?  Killer Ninja Gorillas stabbing you to death?
>   Does that...  Hmm.  Maybe I should stop asking questions and get the
> hell...  No!  Aaaarrrrrghghghghghgh!!!!!  Please!!!
> Ahhghghghghghgghghgh!!!!"

A few rows back, one of the passengers looked up from his newspaper to
see what was going on.  He nudged his wife.  "Mary?" he asked.

Mary woke up from her deep sleep and managed to reply with a "Hmm?"

"Two of the passengers have just been killed.  Shouldn't we
investigate?"

Mary looked down the aisle to see the two bodies.  "Edward, we're on
vacation.  It's our honeymoon.  I don't think we should get involved.
Besides, one of the victims is a dog.  We don't handle cases involving
animals."

Just then, man sitting behind them leaned forward to ask them a
question.  "Excuse me, I'm sorry, but did you just say an animal has
been killed on this plane?"

"Yeah," Mary said, "a dog was just killed by Killer Ninja Gorillas."

The man stood up defiantly.  "Then this is a job for Deuce Cordova:
Animal CSI!"  He went over to examine the scene.

"Good luck with your investigation," Mary said and then went back to
sleep.  Edward went back to reading his newspaper: his wife didn't want
to get involved in the case and he knew not to argue with her.

Martin


[3]
Written by: Saxon Brenton

RACCIES/LNH/LNHY/NTB/*WhatEVER*: Just Imagine... Saxon Brenton's
RACCies on a Plane Filled with Killer Ninja Gorillas! #3

'Some Of Our Killer Ninja Gorillas Are Missing!'
by Saxon Brenton

     The Killer Ninja Gorillas sent by the Gorilla Conspiracy to
secure the victory of gorillas in the RACCie awards by eliminating
the competition posed by Dr Cool J. Dog prepared to make their next
move. Whatever that was.
     Suddenly, however, they became away that one of their number was
missing.
     "Where is Killer Ninja Gorilla #37b?" asked the voice emanating
from the darkened corner of the room.
     One of thew other Killer Ninja Gorillas bowed and banged his head
in obeisance.  "Master, we do not know."
     "Find him, and find him quickly. We have further work to..."
began the voice, but was then interrupted by the sounds of gunfire
from outside. "We are discovered!" hissed the voice. "Deal with the
intruder, and then we shall depart! And where is Killer Ninja Gorilla
#23j?"

       --===####===--

     Outside, Radish the Valentine's Day Miracle Beaver was doing
what she did best, and what she did best wasn't pretty. Radish was
ably assisted by a Guy In A Trenchcoat Fighting Ninjas and Samuel L.
Jackson (who for his part was tempting fate by his continued
insistence of using Acraphobe rated dialogue in a non-Acraphobe
rated story).
     Katanas flashed, gunfire rang out, and apes swung about the cabin
of the aeroplane of vines that hadn't been there a minute ago (no,
wait, that's gorilla subway pirates; never mind).
     And in the middle of all the excitement Deuce Cordova, of Animal
CSI, was the only one who noticed the way that a man dressed in a blue
costume who suddenly dart in, jab a Killer Ninja Gorilla with some
sort of piece of metal, and then move on as the Killer Ninja Gorilla
then collapsed to its knees, twitching and spasming on the floor with
Kirbykrackle energy leaking from its eyes.  .oO( Huh. Some sort of
superhero who actually wants to capture and put them on trial? Now
that's a change, ) though Deuce.

       --===####===--

     "Master," said Killer Ninja Gorilla #17r, "we are being
overwhelmed."
     "This cannot be happening!" exclaimed the voice in the darkness.
"The Killer Ninja Gorillas of the Gorilla Conspiracy are a match for
any number of Trenchcoaters!"
     "Against Trenchcoaters, perhaps. But not against... Bluetooth,
the Man Who Never Gets Credit For His Own Dialogue!"
     With a flash of movement faster than Killer Ninja Gorilla #17r
could act against Bluetooth drove one of his mind control and
reformatting plugs deep into the spine of the hapless Killer Ninja
Gorilla. KNG#17r collapsed, his mind - his very soul - being
rewritten. Being reformatted. Being usurped.
     "What is the meaning of this!?" demanded the voice of the blue
costumed man.
     "Your Killer Ninja Gorillas belong to me, now."
     And this was true, since a horde of Killer Ninja Gorillas - just
short of a third of the complement that had been sent aboard the
aeroplane - marched into view. And all of their eyes had all been
transformed by the slight glow of Kirbykrackle in almost-but-not-quite
the same way that people who are under mind control loose their pupils.
     "Beware, little man. The Gorilla Conspiracy is not to be trifled
with!"
     At that point Samuel L. Jackson burst in and began peppering the
room with gunfire. "Die, motherf*ckers!" he yelled.
     "Hey! Those are *my* Killer Ninja Gorillas, not the Gorilla
Conspiracy's ones!"
     "Who the motherf*cking hell are you, motherf*cking pussy boy...
ooof!" went Jackson as Bluetooth winded him by ramming an elbow
into his stomach and then knocking him unconscious by slamming his
head into the wall. (You see? I told you he was tempting fate by using
Acraphobe rated dialogue in a non-Acraphobe rated story.)
     When Bluetooth looked back the voice in the darkened corner had
gone. Indeed, even the darkness in the corner had gone. He glanced
around in irritation, and spotted a crytsal on the floor. He picked it
up, and saw within it the image of a story: 'Just Imagine Saxon
Brenton Presents the RACCies... Again! #6'.
     "Now what in the world is this all about?"

----------

WHEN will we find out what the significance of _Just Imagine... Saxon
Brenton's RACCies_ #6 has for the Gorilla Conspiracy?

IS Bluetooth planning on thwarting the Gorilla Conspiracy as a way
of winning his place back in the Legion of Net.Heroes, or is he
recruiting an army as part of a revenge plan?

----------

     Bluetooth (nee, Never-Gets-Credit-for-His-Dialogue Lad) created
by Jamie Rosen back in _Just Imagine... Saxon Brenton's RACCies!_ #14.
     Deuce Cordova created by Martin Phipps.
     The Guy In A Trenchcoat Fighting Ninjas, the Killer Ninja
Gorillas and Radish the Valentine's Day Miracle Beaver created by
Arthur Spitzer.

---
Saxon Brenton     Uni of Technology, city library, Sydney Australia
     saxon.bren... at uts.edu.au     saxonbren... at hotmail.com


[4]
Written by: Martin Phipps

Deuce Cordova staggered back to where Mary and Edward were sitting.  "I
think I've solved the case," he said.

"Really?" Mary asked.

Deuce Cordova asked.  "Dr. Cool J Dog and Pointless Interview Man were
both stabbed with a Japanese Katana."

"So you've recovered the murder weapon?" she asked.

Deuce Cordova nodded once more.  "I believe the murder weapon is right
here."  He pointed to his own back and then fell forward into the
aisle.

Edward sighed.  "Well, now that we have a human victim lying right
beside us, is it time for us to get involved?"

Mary nodded.  "I'd say we are already involved.  We have the prime
suspect right in front of us."

"Grrr," said the nearest Ninja Killer Gorilla.

"He doesn't seem to be willing to talk," Edward observed.  "Do you
think there's any chance of him being willing to give us a sample of
his fingerprints that we can compare to prints that we may find on the
murder weapon?"

"Probably not," Mary conceded.

Martin


Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, putting this together for Reasons.