MISC: Spies With Badges: "Junior Spies 2000 (Plus One)"

Andrew Perron pwerdna at gmail.com
Mon Feb 24 04:32:01 PST 2014

Fact one: Steffan Alun created Spies With Badges. Fact two: What's a 
Spring Sawsbuck? We just don't know.


In the far-off superfuture of the year 2001, there is a school that 
trains kids (it's a secret!) to become Junior Spies! 

This day in fall they were having a test in Looking At Things People 
Don't Want Looked At Class. They got points by looking at each others' 
papers without getting caught. Emilia Octavian was sitting perfectly 
still and not looking at anyone's paper, which means she got all the 
points because clearly she was actually looking at everyone's paper 
without giving it away even to the teacher. This is a special spy 
ability called bluffing. Try it at home today!

Miss Steve, her best friend who was also a spy, got second on the test 
through a clever arrangement of mirrors, windowpanes, and Tamagotchi 
screens. After the test they were talking and being rivals and 
comparing patches. 

Emilia had her Dimension Patch sewn on the inside of her spy backpack. 
It was the third she had gotten, along with the Brevity Patch and the 
Chocolate Ripple Patch. She knew that once she had eight Junior Spy 
Patches, she could challenge the Really Quite Amazing Four at a 
spy-off, and if she won, her Geopolitical Paradigm would change and she 
would become Emilia the Spy.

Miss Steve had only two and a half patches. This was enough to beat 
Legends of the Hidden Temple, but still ey wanted to be even cooler 
than Emilia, because the two of them were hot-blooded rivals who 
wouldn't let anyone beat them except each other.

Boop! Boop! The class hamster was ringing, so she answered it without 
anyone seeing by disguising herself as a food pellet. 

"Emilia Octavian (Not Yet a Full Spy)!" said Junior Spy Boss Woman 
Charlie Jackson Twelve. "We are two jacks short of elevensies!"

Emilia knew that when Junior Spy Boss Woman Charlie Jackson Twelve got 
excited, she spoke in metaphors involving games that youths in New York 
during the Great Depression would play. "What's the problitch, boss?"

"It's our rivals, the Child Spies," squacked the hamsterphone. "They're 
planning to steal the sixth grade!"

"Reticulated splines!" fake-swore Emilia.

"Emilia Octavian (Not Yet a Full Spy), I am still not giving you the 
Fake Swearing Patch. You have to stop them, but there are two things 
that you must remember. First: Whenever You Come To The Bureau The Same 
Three Wait Within. Second: Arc Words Are Very Spooky And Cool."

"Message got!" said Emilia, and hung up the hamster. She was halfway up 
into the air ducts when Miss Steve called out to her.

"Hey!" ey said. "Don't be a loner who always says she has to work 
alone! It's boring!"

"Okay sure," said Emilia, and helped Miss Steve up into the air ducts. 
She knew this would be an okay mission for her rival, because the Child 
Spies were also their rivals, but in a different way, and they liked to 

They looked through the grates of the air vent at the sixth grade. The 
Child Spies were rolling it up into a tube and disguising it as a 
limited-edition poster. But next to them there was an evil purple lady 
in a sparkly hat!

"Gasp!" said Miss Steve. "Those Child Spies aren't just being 
awesome-cool school rivals who prank! A Monster of the Day is 
controlling them!"

"It's time to spime!" shouted Emilia, and even though that was a very 
silly thing to say, she jumpkicked out of the air duct and landed next 
to the Monster of the Day. Miss Steve landed next to her.

"Junior spies are the junior angels of Earth!" she shouted, and did her 
transformation sequence stock footage flashy pink cool memorable. And 
Time-Traveling Future Emilia the Spy appeared next to her, but she did 
not shout the magical catchphrase. 

Instead she walked over to Miss Steve. She took an old, laminated slip 
of paper and handed it to em. Then she gave Emilia a sad look and 

THIS WEIRDED EMILIA OUT. The Monster of the Day tried to attack her 
with cactus whips, but Emilia ignored that. "Miss Steve, what does it 

Miss Steve looked up. Ey stopped crying. "I'm sorry. I'm not going to 
be a spy anymore."

"What?" Emilia grabbed Miss Steve's hand. "But-- but then we can't! Any 
of it!"

Miss Steve ripped a piece of paper out of eir notebook and wrote 
something on it, and gave it to Emilia. "We can still best friends. And 
we can still rivals. But not for spying."

"But why?"

"Because dragons are neither spies nor angels."

And these were arc words, and they defeated the Monster of the Day.

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