LNH: LNH Comics Presents #510: "Crisis on Two Christmases"

Andrew Perron pwerdna at gmail.com
Thu Dec 25 12:28:54 PST 2014

                 When the mad Dr. Killfile threatened to destroy the
           Internet -- THEY answered the call!  Today, THEIR strange
           and mighty powers are our last, best line of defense
           against crime, disaster, and unspeakable horror!  THEY are
           our knights in shining spandex... the LEGION OF NET.HEROES!
                               LNH COMICS PRESENTS
                       #510 - "Crisis on Two Christmases!"
           [The cover shows two Earths overlapping, with Bart the Dark 
		   Receptionist over the one on the left and Santa Claus over 
		   the one on the right, rushing at each other with fists 
The impossible, inconceivable court of the Living Moderator!

Today (for whatever a "day" might mean in the reckonings of the Preceptory) is a |
day (see previous parenthetical) where civil conflicts are heard; suits of 
natural law seeking infinite injunctions and all-encompassing adjucations!

"Court is in session," announced the Scyldh Ta, cosmic baliff and magistrate upon 
magistrates. "The plaintiff, Bart Sears, the Dark Receptionist, presenting as a 
three-dimensional slice from the time index of the Infinite Leadership Crisis; 
the defendant, Nicholas Kringle, Santa Claus, same."

"That's right!" said Bart, a floating figure clad in shining armor and royal 
blue. He shimmered, icy future wrapped around him like a shroud, streams of 
temporal power curling like smoke from his fingertips. "I'm gonna sue the pants 
off you!"

"Now, now, young man," said Santa. He looked exactly like what you think Santa 
Claus looks like. "Let them finish."

"Suit is brought on the grounds of violation of continuity, to wit, a 
contradiction of events between the April 268th of 58.5 #19 and the April 268th 
of LNH Comics Presents #303."

"You know," said Santa, "this story will be immensely confusing to those who are 
not already familiar with Legion of Net.Heroes lore."

"Oh, like anybody else is reading the newsgroup at this point!" Bart shook his 
cosmically powered fists. "I demand satisfaction!"

"As representative of the pre-existing layer of Hypertext Time, Bart the Dark 
Receptionist has choice of venue."

"Haha! Thus I invoke--" He pointed a cosmic finger into the swirling mists. 

The Chessboard of Combat formed in the nothingness. On one side, a series of pops
as time-scooped versions of Analytic, Howie K, Bandwagon Chick, Locked Room, and 
Minority Miss appeared. On the other, Casey von Aluminumfoil, Gertrude the Kiwi, 
Trevor Blount, Library Lad, and the Crimson @venger flashed into place. A giant 
red "10" appeared above the battlefield, and started counting down.

"Grife!" said Locked Room. "You try an' squeeze eight hours of sleep into ten 
minutes, you get some sprockin' weird dreams!"

"Hmm. A chessboard in a mysterious void, with us at one end and some not-so-
familiar figures at the other," said Analytic, peering across the gap. "I think 
we've been drafted into a game."

"Probably one of those 'cosmic game-master' things," sighed Minority Miss.

"They used to be the easiest way to get two groups of heroes fighting, back when 
you didn't just make that the big summer crossover," said Bandwagon Chick.

Howie K clenched an avian fist. "We'd better get ready for battle, then..."

"May I make a suggestion?" said Analytic. "What we could do is..."

"Oh, great, one of those cosmic game-master things," said Casey, squinting at the 
other team.

"And it looks like we've got a countdown to battle," noted Library Lad.

"Kiwi kiwi, kiwi kiwi kiwi," said Gertrude.

"I agree," said the Crimson @venger. "I do not relish the idea of combat 'gainst 
fellow heroes."

"Actually... huddle up," said Casey. "I might only be leader for today, but I've 
got a plan..."

The giant number flickered. 3... 2... 1... The message appeared: FIGHT! The two 
groups broke up, and raced across the chessboard toward each other.

Minority Miss arced through the air towards the lead figure, and something arced 
back - a bright red sphere of pure punctuation on a collision course. She dodged 
nimbly out of the way, aiming a blow at the crimson figure - one that was 
deflected and countered, and countered right back.

Bandwagon Chick stretched out a hand. A breeze blew from nowhere, and her Mystic 
Bandwagon appeared - only for horseshoes to fly through the air, attaching 
themselves to the spectral steeds and stopping them in their tracks. Trevor 
Blount tossed a samurai stun slipper at her, but she knocked it away using a bo 
staff she'd gotten back when Ninja Turtles was popular.

Howie K stretched his senses out, taking up the defensive Nesting Kiwi pose. He 
could feel it coming... there! He twisted to the side as a green blur flew past 
his ear. Gertrude landed on the ground and spun, wings outstretched in the 
Burrowing Kiwi pose. There was a heartbeat, and they rushed forward.

Library Lad stepped into the middle of the field, holding out a book. Locked 
Room glanced down, and nodded. As one, they began speed-reading, eyes running 
down the page like lighting, flipping each piece of paper at the exact same 

And off to the side, away from the attention-grabbing battle moves that had been 
carefully calculated to draw things out as long as possible, Analytic crept up 
to Casey and Casey crept up to Analytic.


"Hello. You're the good guys, right?"

"Yeah, LNHers. You too?"

"New Misfits, mostly, but close enough. We're being manipulated."

"Figured as much. Stop the battle and make our escape?"


They turned and whistled to their teams, and everyone stopped in mid-battle and 
came together in the center of the board. After a bit of quick muttering, 
everyone turned to the sky and shouted. "Hey!" "Let us out!" "Quit yer stupid 
games already!" "Kiwi kiwi!"

The mists parted, revealing Bart scowling down, Santa smiling thoughtfully, and 
the Living Moderator towering over the scene. The board rose up into the middle 
of the courtroom.

"Sorry, um, guys," said Casey, trying not to look too nervous. "Looks like we've 
got a draw."

"You're supposed to *fight*!" shouted Bart, slamming his fist on the podium. "I 
demand a retrial!"

NO. The booming voice of the Living Moderator shook the court. YOU GAVE THEM 
With the sound of ten pressure equalizations at once, the heroes were 
transported back to their own times. THE ISSUE WILL BE SETTLED VIA 

"Ah, yes," said Santa, stroking his beard. "Looniverse-D, for Doesn't Quite Fit 
In Continuity. A world where everything that needs to happen happens, and 
afterwards, no one can quite tell which version is the 'main' and which is the 
'alternate'. A wise decision, I'm sure."

"What!? That's the biggest copout I've ever heard!" Bart pulled at his hair. 
"That's exactly the status quo we had before, only now there's an excuse for 


As Bart raged, Santa turned to the reader. "And a very Merry Christmas to all of 
you at home!"

"Quit breaking the fourth wall! Aaaargh..."

Author's Note: I realized back in March that I'd messed up the 58.5 timeline 
with my ILC issue. But the ethos of the LNH is that every mistake is a new and 
more ridiculous story! So I got permission from Lalo and knocked this together. 
Merry Second Christmas!


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