LNH: LNH Comics Presents #510: "Crisis on Two Christmases"
pwerdna at gmail.com
Thu Dec 25 12:28:54 PST 2014
When the mad Dr. Killfile threatened to destroy the
Internet -- THEY answered the call! Today, THEIR strange
and mighty powers are our last, best line of defense
against crime, disaster, and unspeakable horror! THEY are
our knights in shining spandex... the LEGION OF NET.HEROES!
LNH COMICS PRESENTS
#510 - "Crisis on Two Christmases!"
[The cover shows two Earths overlapping, with Bart the Dark
Receptionist over the one on the left and Santa Claus over
the one on the right, rushing at each other with fists
The impossible, inconceivable court of the Living Moderator!
Today (for whatever a "day" might mean in the reckonings of the Preceptory) is a |
day (see previous parenthetical) where civil conflicts are heard; suits of
natural law seeking infinite injunctions and all-encompassing adjucations!
"Court is in session," announced the Scyldh Ta, cosmic baliff and magistrate upon
magistrates. "The plaintiff, Bart Sears, the Dark Receptionist, presenting as a
three-dimensional slice from the time index of the Infinite Leadership Crisis;
the defendant, Nicholas Kringle, Santa Claus, same."
"That's right!" said Bart, a floating figure clad in shining armor and royal
blue. He shimmered, icy future wrapped around him like a shroud, streams of
temporal power curling like smoke from his fingertips. "I'm gonna sue the pants
"Now, now, young man," said Santa. He looked exactly like what you think Santa
Claus looks like. "Let them finish."
"Suit is brought on the grounds of violation of continuity, to wit, a
contradiction of events between the April 268th of 58.5 #19 and the April 268th
of LNH Comics Presents #303."
"You know," said Santa, "this story will be immensely confusing to those who are
not already familiar with Legion of Net.Heroes lore."
"Oh, like anybody else is reading the newsgroup at this point!" Bart shook his
cosmically powered fists. "I demand satisfaction!"
"As representative of the pre-existing layer of Hypertext Time, Bart the Dark
Receptionist has choice of venue."
"Haha! Thus I invoke--" He pointed a cosmic finger into the swirling mists.
"SETTLEMENT BY COMBAT!"
The Chessboard of Combat formed in the nothingness. On one side, a series of pops
as time-scooped versions of Analytic, Howie K, Bandwagon Chick, Locked Room, and
Minority Miss appeared. On the other, Casey von Aluminumfoil, Gertrude the Kiwi,
Trevor Blount, Library Lad, and the Crimson @venger flashed into place. A giant
red "10" appeared above the battlefield, and started counting down.
"Grife!" said Locked Room. "You try an' squeeze eight hours of sleep into ten
minutes, you get some sprockin' weird dreams!"
"Hmm. A chessboard in a mysterious void, with us at one end and some not-so-
familiar figures at the other," said Analytic, peering across the gap. "I think
we've been drafted into a game."
"Probably one of those 'cosmic game-master' things," sighed Minority Miss.
"They used to be the easiest way to get two groups of heroes fighting, back when
you didn't just make that the big summer crossover," said Bandwagon Chick.
Howie K clenched an avian fist. "We'd better get ready for battle, then..."
"May I make a suggestion?" said Analytic. "What we could do is..."
"Oh, great, one of those cosmic game-master things," said Casey, squinting at the
"And it looks like we've got a countdown to battle," noted Library Lad.
"Kiwi kiwi, kiwi kiwi kiwi," said Gertrude.
"I agree," said the Crimson @venger. "I do not relish the idea of combat 'gainst
"Actually... huddle up," said Casey. "I might only be leader for today, but I've
got a plan..."
The giant number flickered. 3... 2... 1... The message appeared: FIGHT! The two
groups broke up, and raced across the chessboard toward each other.
Minority Miss arced through the air towards the lead figure, and something arced
back - a bright red sphere of pure punctuation on a collision course. She dodged
nimbly out of the way, aiming a blow at the crimson figure - one that was
deflected and countered, and countered right back.
Bandwagon Chick stretched out a hand. A breeze blew from nowhere, and her Mystic
Bandwagon appeared - only for horseshoes to fly through the air, attaching
themselves to the spectral steeds and stopping them in their tracks. Trevor
Blount tossed a samurai stun slipper at her, but she knocked it away using a bo
staff she'd gotten back when Ninja Turtles was popular.
Howie K stretched his senses out, taking up the defensive Nesting Kiwi pose. He
could feel it coming... there! He twisted to the side as a green blur flew past
his ear. Gertrude landed on the ground and spun, wings outstretched in the
Burrowing Kiwi pose. There was a heartbeat, and they rushed forward.
Library Lad stepped into the middle of the field, holding out a book. Locked
Room glanced down, and nodded. As one, they began speed-reading, eyes running
down the page like lighting, flipping each piece of paper at the exact same
And off to the side, away from the attention-grabbing battle moves that had been
carefully calculated to draw things out as long as possible, Analytic crept up
to Casey and Casey crept up to Analytic.
"Hello. You're the good guys, right?"
"Yeah, LNHers. You too?"
"New Misfits, mostly, but close enough. We're being manipulated."
"Figured as much. Stop the battle and make our escape?"
They turned and whistled to their teams, and everyone stopped in mid-battle and
came together in the center of the board. After a bit of quick muttering,
everyone turned to the sky and shouted. "Hey!" "Let us out!" "Quit yer stupid
games already!" "Kiwi kiwi!"
The mists parted, revealing Bart scowling down, Santa smiling thoughtfully, and
the Living Moderator towering over the scene. The board rose up into the middle
of the courtroom.
"Sorry, um, guys," said Casey, trying not to look too nervous. "Looks like we've
got a draw."
"You're supposed to *fight*!" shouted Bart, slamming his fist on the podium. "I
demand a retrial!"
NO. The booming voice of the Living Moderator shook the court. YOU GAVE THEM
LEAVE TO DECIDE THEIR FATE THROUGH THEIR OWN ACTIONS. SO IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
With the sound of ten pressure equalizations at once, the heroes were
transported back to their own times. THE ISSUE WILL BE SETTLED VIA
PARALLELIZATION ON LOONIVERSE-D.
"Ah, yes," said Santa, stroking his beard. "Looniverse-D, for Doesn't Quite Fit
In Continuity. A world where everything that needs to happen happens, and
afterwards, no one can quite tell which version is the 'main' and which is the
'alternate'. A wise decision, I'm sure."
"What!? That's the biggest copout I've ever heard!" Bart pulled at his hair.
"That's exactly the status quo we had before, only now there's an excuse for
As Bart raged, Santa turned to the reader. "And a very Merry Christmas to all of
you at home!"
"Quit breaking the fourth wall! Aaaargh..."
Author's Note: I realized back in March that I'd messed up the 58.5 timeline
with my ILC issue. But the ethos of the LNH is that every mistake is a new and
more ridiculous story! So I got permission from Lalo and knocked this together.
Merry Second Christmas!
Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, EVEN MORE HOLIDAY STORIES
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