REPOST/LNHY: Looniverse Y #1: Jumping Off on the Wrong Foot

Arthur Spitzer arspitzer at
Fri Aug 1 13:50:30 PDT 2014

Okay.  Tens years ago I posted the first LNHY story.  And since I can't 
seem to write a new story to celebrate 10 years of LNHY I guess I'll 
just repost that story again...

So here it is...

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   L      O      O      N      I      V      E      R      S      E

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                             N U M B E R

                                O N E

Part I

The Mysterious Shadowy Messing-with-Destiny Dude shuffled briskly down 
the street clutching a rather ominous black briefcase.

He occasionally glanced at his sinister watch while dodging and 
blindsiding the various pedestrians that stood in his way.  He had a 
very important date with destiny and time was on a very short fuse.  The 
very fate of this "New" Looniverse was tied to getting this briefcase to 
the right person at the right time.  And he wasn't about to slow for any 
man, woman or...

"Hey, Mister!  Wanna buy some girlscout cook... *Uhhfff*!!"

....well you know.


                       Jumping Off on the Wrong Foot





There's a universe that might look suspiciously like some "other" 
universe.  Like some quick badly done xerox job.  But obviously it's 
just a coincidence.  I mean, really, what kind of shameless god would 
steal from some other god?  But let's not get into that!  Things like 
this happen all of the time.  What?  Like you've never reinvented the 
wheel?  Likely story.  But getting back to the subject at hand this 
universe needs a name.  We'll call it Looniverse Y.

Y?    ...Y not.  (Hah!  Get it?  Y not..  Wait!  Don’t Leave..  please? 
  I promise I won’t do that ever again!  Please..?)

In this Looniverse "Y" there are quite a lot of stars most with their 
own exciting, thrilling, and amazing stories.  But we're going to ignore 
all of those and instead focus on one called Sun Y.  Not to be confused 
with Sun E which is a great solar system for a tan.  In the Sun Y solar 
system there's a blue green brown planet with a lot of swirly white 
stuff surrounding it.  It’s name is T-Bone.  (Okay some academics and 
scientists call it Earth Y, but most people call it T-bone.)  And on the 
planet T-Bone there's a great city filled with superheroes, 
supervillains, supermodels, superintendents, supermarkets, 
superciliouses and.. and.. Well you get the picture.

This great supercity’s name is Net.ropolis Y.  And it’s where this great 
superstory begins.  Well, okay, if you want to get picky it begins in a 
very serious building.  A very deadly serious building.


"This is a very impressive list of Superhero Teams you've been involved 
with," said a man in a very serious looking suit sitting behind a very 
serious desk.  There was a very serious nameplate on the desk that read 
'Major Lee Serious'.

"Thanks," replied a man in a black and blue colored costume.  There was 
an emblem of a shoe print in the middle of his chest and also one on his 
back.  "I hold the title in the 'Guinness Book of T-Bone Records' for 
belonging to the most Superhero Teams of all time."

"And you've been kicked out of every single one of them?"

"Uh, yeah,"  There was an embarrassed expression on his face.  "I hold 
that record too.  They don't call me Kid Kicked-Out for nothing.  It's 
my uh.. superpower."

"Maybe, but still.  There must be a reason why you were kicked off all 
of these superhero teams."

"Umm, politics?"

"It says here you were a member of the Teen Fascists," read Major Lee 
Serious from Kid Kicked-Out's resume.  "Is that right?"

"Uh, yeah.  It was a pretty sweet job actually, well till after a couple 
of weeks they discovered that my ID was fake and that I was 32 not 16 
years old.  Apparently they have some rule about how you're supposed to 
be a 'teen-ager' if you want to be a member.  They paid nicely though."

"And you were a member of the Before God Guys?  Don't you need to have 
existed before God to be a member?  Is that why you were kicked out?"

"Nah, it was because I crashed their Petrified Plane into some 
orphanage.  Hey, I was naked and drunk.  People do stupid things when 
they're naked and drunk.  I learned my lesson.  When you're naked and 
drunk don't fly planes, especially if you don't know how to fly a plane. 
  But did they give me a second chance?  I suppose they eventually might 
have found out that I lied about my age and that the white beard I was 
wearing was a fake.  Although who knows.  They were pretty senile."

"I see.  And you were a member of the Desperately Desperate Desperadoes? 
  Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't the Desperately Desperate 
Desperadoes desperate for anyone to join their superhero team and for 
that matter desperate for anyone to stay to the point of stalking 

"Well their so-called 'tolerance' seems to end when you accidentally 
blow-up their headquarters.  I mean, I thought it was just one of those 
joke bombs.  You know the kind that look like real bombs?  And hey, it's 
not like anyone was killed.  Well, okay, I guess I killed 
Wish-I-Were-Dead Man, but hey -- he wanted to die.  I was doing him a 
favor.  But they didn't seem to see it that way."

"Look," Kid Kicked-Out quickly added, "I know this all sounds kind of 
bad, but I have done some very heroic stuff using my abilities.  Why 
there was this time I saved our own dear Looniverse Y using my powers.

"And you have proof and witnesses to back you up on this alleged saving?"

"Um, well not really.  You see it's one of those situations where if I 
were to prove I saved Looniverse Y, then Looniverse Y wouldn't be saved. 
  My inability to prove that I saved Looniverse Y is what's saving 
Looniverse Y from oblivion.  But I'm sure you've heard of this kind of 
phenomenon before?"

"No.  This is the first time I've ever heard of such a thing."

"Well, there are tons of scientific texts that talk about this.  I don't 
remember what they're called.  But they're out there.  Honest.  You'll 
just have to trust me on this."

"You know," Kid Kicked-Out continued, "I'd like to add my power isn't 
secluded to just getting kicked off superhero teams.  I can get kicked 
out of dimensions which can be pretty useful.  And I'm invulnerable to 
any harm, although I'm a bit more sensitive to pain than the typical 
person.  And anything, place, or concept that it's possible to be kicked 
out of I can be kicked out of.  I remember this year I was doing some 
prison time..."

"Wait!  Why were you doing prison time?"

"Umm, well -- you know how it is.  Right?  I mean it's politics.  And 
the system.  I mean every superhero does 'some' prison time.  It's like 
a rite of passage.  You know?  You get what I'm saying?"

"I've never done any prison time.  And neither has anyone on my team."

"Well, when I'm member of your team I'm sure that will change."

Major Lee Serious scribbled down something on a piece of paper.

"Ah, that was a joke.  I wasn't being serious.  What are you writing 
down?"  said Kid Kicked-Out becoming concerned.

"I see.  A joke."  Major Lee Serious scribbled some more stuff down and 
then hid the paper from Kid Kicked-Out's view.  "It's nothing important. 
  Just notes."

"Look, Kid Kicked-Out.  I don't think you would really fit in as a 
member of the Deadly Serious Squad.  In fact, I would probably have to 
be on some kind of stupid pill to make you a member of my team.  You 
see, Kid Kicked-Out, the Deadly Serious Squad isn't one of these wacky 
joking around superhero groups that you're so used too.  We're on a 
mission.  A deadly serious mission.  We're trying to advance the 
superhero genre.  We're trying to show that superhero comics can deal 
with important issues.  Like the War on Terror.  Drugs.  Rape.  Racism. 
  Gay Marriage.  Right now we're in the middle of a 11 issue arc dealing 
with Social Security Reform.  I'm afraid you'd stick out like a sore 
thumb, Kid Kicked-Out."

"Hey!  I have no problem beating up old people."

"*Ahem*.  Anyway, we try to keep ourselves at a distance from the 
silliness, Kid Kicked-Out.  The Deadly Serious Squad doesn't fight 
supervillains.  We fight drug lords and terrorists.  We don't wear 
spandex.  We wear business suits.  We don't have code names or super 
powers because those things tend to distract from the important issues 
we try to raise.  It's getting harder though.  I think we may eventually 
have to move to some other city.  Net.ropolis Y is just starting to 
become to silly."  Major Lee Serious sighed.

"We were doing this issue on abortion.  And it was a great issue.  We 
were really zeroing in on the human condition.  Everything was real. 
The emotions.  The people.  We were transcending the superhero genre. 
We were on the cusp of something special.  And then they came.  They 
crashed through the wall.  They were kangaroos wearing straw-hats.  And 
they carried banjos.  And they started having a banjo duel right there 
in the Planned Parenthood Clinic.  Right there!  A banjo duel!  Those 
damn Banjo Dueling Kangaroos!"

Major Lee Serious was out of his chair next to the window.  He looked 
out the window and he placed one hand on the window while he stared.

"We could have gotten a good review in The Comics Journal.  Maybe even 
won an award.  But those damn Banjo Dueling Kangaroos!  God damn.  God 
damn."  There was a heavy sadness in Major Lee Serious's eyes.  "We're 
going to have to move.  Probably to No Joke City.  The silliness here 
corrupts you.  It devours your soul.  Sometimes I feel I'm standing on 
the edge of an abyss.  Sometimes.  Sometimes I fantasize about wearing a 
lolly pop costume and calling myself Lolly-Pop Man."

"Umm, are you still interviewing me?"

"What? Oh, right.  Sorry.  As I was saying, I don't think you would fit 
in, Kid Kicked-Out.  The Deadly Serious Squad is deadly serious.  Deadly 

"Wait!  Maybe I could be your butler.  Every superhero group needs a 
wacky butler, right?"

"We don't need or want a wacky butler."

"Well, okay.  Thanks for your time.  Say, you don't mind me asking you 
something, do you?"


"Could I borrow ten thousand dollars?"


"I don't get it," Kid Kicked-Out said to himself as he swallowed another 
shot of tequila. "Why did I get stuck with this stupid power.  Why 
couldn't someone else suffer?  Why did it have to be me?"

Another patron of the bar wearing a labcoat shrugged his head.

"And it's not like I'm the worst superhero out there.  You know?  I was 
a member of the World's Worst Heroes and they kicked me out for being 
overly competent."

"Have you tried changing your identity and pretending to be some other 
superhero?" asked the lab coated man.

"How do you think I got into most of the superhero teams I was in?  But 
these teams are starting to get better at weeding me out.  I'd figure 
I'd try some reverse psychology by telling the truth.  Doesn't seem to 
be working to well."

"How about starting your own superhero team?"

"You realize how much that would cost?  First there's the salaries. 
Then there's the health care plan.  Then the headquarters and the 
vehicles.  And then you've got the property damage insurance and the 
superhero malpractice insurance.  The lawyers.  The bribes to various 
public officials.  Bribes to supervillains.  The costs of running a 
superhero team are insane."

"Why don't you charge the superheroes to join your team?"

"Charge?  What kind of idiot would pay to join a superhero team?"

"Well, while people who actually have powers might not be willing to 
pay, what about extremely rich people who have always wanted to belong 
to a superhero team?"

"Whoah!" Kid Kicked-Out paused for a moment like he had finally seen the 
light.  "I get what you're saying!  There are all these really rich 
people out there who have tons of money and they need people like myself 
to take it from them!"

"Well, I wasn't quite saying..."

"I could charge a million dollars the first month for membership.  And 
then keep doubling the amount every additional month.  And then when 
I've amassed my fortune, I could sell the team for, like, 50 mill and 
retire to the Bahamas.  My god!  This idea is so stupid it could 
possibly work!!"

Kid Kicked-Out rose off the barstool.  Finally he had a purpose in life. 
  He looked back at the labcoated man who had given him hope.  "I'm 
sorry, I just realized I didn't get your name?"

"Dr. Idius O'Stupid Agottawork.  Here's my business card."


Kid Kicked-Out whistled a bit as he strolled to the hotel he was staying 
at.  Hopefully he hadn't been kicked out yet.

He thought about Dr. Idius's idea some more.  Oil Barons, Hotel 
Heiresses, Rock Stars, Lottery Winners, Colombian Drug Lords, and Third 
World Dictators all on one Superhero Team.  All banded together for one 
purpose.  To make him rich.  Is that the American Dream or what?

What should he call this team?  Maybe Team Get-Rich-Scheme?  No, that's 
a bit too blatant.  Maybe the X-pensive Men?  Too sexist.  How about 
Filthy Rich Force.  Or the Profiteers.  God.  A get rich fast scheme 
combined with a superhero team.  It doesn't get more American than that. 
  A patriotic tear streamed down his cheek.

Kid Kicked-Out was so lost in thought about his new superhero team that 
he crashed right into some mysterious shadowy figure.

"Whoah!  Sorry, man.  Didn't see you there."

The Mysterious Shadowy Messing-with-Destiny Dude brushed himself off. 
"No apologies necessary.  I'm perfectly fine.  I believe you dropped 
your briefcase, Mr. Gaines."

"What?  Oh, right.  Thanks.  Wait.  I don't have a briefcase!"  Kid 
Kicked-Out said as picked the briefcase from the ground, but the 
mysterious shadowy figure had disappeared.

"Did he call me Mr. Gaines?"  Kid Kicked-Out's secret identity was in 
fact Greeve Gaines, but only a very small number of people actually knew 
that.  He checked his mask to see if it was still on, which it was.

"God damn mysterious shadowy figures.  Should be a law against them." 
He looked at the briefcase.  There was an engraving.  The engraving read 
'Property of the LNH'.  Who the hell was LNH?

He should just drop this on the ground.  Whatever it was, it was bad 
mojo.  He could feel it.  Something very horrible was hidden in that 
briefcase.  But then again there could be money.  Or maybe dirty 
magazines.  He guessed it wouldn't hurt to go back to his hotel room and 
have a little peek.  Just one little peek.  He was a superhero.  And 
that's what superheroes did.  Throw common sense out the window.


Kid Kicked-Out popped open a can of No-Duh! Soda.  "No-Duh!  It's a 
So-Duh!"  Kid Kicked-Out said with a goofy expression like they did in 
the No-Duh! Soda commercials.

He looked at the briefcase on his bed.  Might as well open it, he 
thought to himself.  He carefully unhitched the latches and slowly 
opened it preparing for an explosion or something.

"Damn.  No money."  He looked at the various contents within.  A piece 
of cheesecake.  There was a book called, 'Everything You Always Wanted 
To Know About The LNH, But Were Afraid To Ask' by St. wReavenger Van 
Saxdrippseel McHuberyike III.

He flipped through the book, but all the pages were blank.  There was a 
bottle filled with something.  Pills?  LNHQ Pills.  What were LNHQ 
Pills?  He looked at the text on the bottle.

Instructions for using LNHQ Pills:

1.  Plant a LNHQ Pill firmly into the ground.

2.  Add water.

3.  Run like hell.

4.  Enjoy your brand new LNHQ.

It gave further warnings about making sure your bottle of LNHQ Pills was 
stored in a very dry place and how swallowing any LNHQ Pill could be 
very, very bad for your health.

There were two final objects in the briefcase.  A glass bottle that was 
filled with some sparkly energy and something that looked like a cross 
between a remote control and a very small computer.

As he took the glass bottle out of the briefcase to examine it, a loud 
beeping came from the remote control thingee.

Startled by this, the glass bottle slipped out of Kid Kicked-Out's hands 
and fell onto the hard cement floor.  (Don't you just hate hotels that 
have hard cement floors?).  The glass shattered, releasing a sparkly 
energy ball.  There was a great flash and a rainbow of colors filled Kid 
Kicked-Out's hotel room.  Then everything returned to normal.  Whatever 
it was it had vanished.

<:Hey there, Kid Kicked-Out.:>  The voice came from the weird remote 
control object.  <:The ladies all call me The Great Machine Language 
Lover, but you may call me the New LNH Member Detector.  I have the 
ability to detect new LNH members as well as give my sage wisdom to 
those that need it, function as an AM FM radio, and when I feel a story 
is getting boring tell one of my hilarious anecdotes from my days at the 
New LNH Member Detector Academy.  I'd like to congratulate you on your 
selection as the first leader of the brand new LNH on Looniverse Y.:>

"What the..?  The Leader of the LNH?  I think you must be mistaken."

<:Mistaken?  Nope.  I never make mistakes.  You opened up the briefcase 
and the first person to open up this briefcase becomes the leader of the 
LNH.  That's how it works.:>

There was no point in arguing with this thing.  And perhaps being the 
leader of the LNH was a good thing.  Perhaps this is what the name of 
his superhero team would be.  The LNH.  "Umm?  What exactly is the LNH?"

<:You've never heard of the Legion of Net.Heroes?:>

"Umm?  These are heroes that fight crime using nets?"

<:Net as in internet!:>

"So they fight crime using the internet?"

<:My God!  What kind of backwater alternate universe have I stumbled 
onto?  Look!  It doesn't matter what the LNH is or stands for.  All that 
matters is that you're now the leader of the LNH for the Looniverse Y 
sector.  The LNH is probably the greatest superhero team franchise in 
the entire Omnilooniverse and has franchises in more than a googol of 
the universes.  And there's another billion every second being formed 
right as we speak.  You should feel honored to be a part of something 
that is so... so grotesque.:>

"Hey, it sounds great!  So I'm the leader!  Does that mean I can do 
anything I want with this LNH?  Like, if I were to decide to charge 
people to be members of the LNH?  I could do that, right?"

<:Charge people?  Why would anyone pay to be a member of the LNH?  You 
pay superheroes to be members of the LNH.  That's how it works.  New 
members of the LNH get about $600 a week plus healthcare.  As the leader 
you get about $1000 a week plus healthcare.  And I the New LNH Member 
Detector get about $10,000 a week plus healthcare.:>

"What?!  You get half a mill a year!?  Why in the world do you get paid 
anything at all??"

<:Hey, it's not every idiot off the street who can decide who should be 
a member of the LNH!  I personally think I get paid to little.  But 
that's just me.  You can of course take this up with the New LNH Member 
Detector Teamsters Guild.  Although, I wouldn't if I were you.  They are 
a really nasty bunch.  But, hey.  You're probably a lot braver than I 
am.  Have a nice funeral.  Oh, yeah!  Now that I think of it, there's 
also insurance, electricity, food, bribes, and a bunch of other stuff. 
I guess altogether it should only cost about Ten million a month to run 
the LNH.:>

"Ten Million!?  TEN MILLION?!  Where the hell am I supposed to get Ten 
million dollars??"

<:I don't know.  I guess most LNH's make money from licensing deals. 
You know, action figures, T-shirts, mugs, swimsuit calendars.  In most 
universes the LNH is very popular, with the occasional exception of the 
alternate universes where the LNH has to live in the sewers fighting for 
a world that hates them.  But I'm sure this isn't one of those.:>

"I'm sorry.  I'm going to have to pass on all this.  I'm flattered, but 
I don't think I can do this.  Hope you find another LNH Leader!  Bye!"

<:Not so fast!  You opened this briefcase up.  You're the Leader of the 
LNH whether you like it or not.:>

"Hah!  You know who you're talking too?  Do *you* know who you're 
talking too?  I'm Kid Kicked-Out.  I've been kicked out of more 
Superhero Teams than your memory chips can store.  There is not one 
single superhero team that I can't be kicked out of.  Even the LNH. 
Watch this!"  With that Kid Kicked-Out closed his eyes as if he were 
meditating.  His fingers started to tremble and sweat started to pour 
off his brow.  Using all his mental energy he focused on his kicked-out 
powers.  The hotel room started to shake.  Finally he opened his eyes.

"There!  I'm no longer a member of the LNH!  Take that you overgrown 
remote control!"

<:Actually, you're still the Leader of the LNH.  You know your power 
doesn't work like that.  It only works if the writer thinks it would be 
funny if you were kicked off a superhero team.:>

"Damn!  Damn!  Damn!  Well how do I get out of this?  Can't I resign?"

<:No.  I'm afraid if you resigned the Omnilooniversal LNH Lawyers Guild 
would sue you into oblivion for breach of contract.  You could kill 
yourself.  There's a specific clause that says no dead person can be the 
Leader of the LNH.:>

"I don't think so.  What else?"

<:There's an LNH election a year from now, but that won't do you any 
good.  You could get recalled I suppose.  But you'd need signatures from 
ten percent of the species in Looniverse Y which would be hard to get 
since 95 percent don't know how to sign a petition.:>

"I'm going to go bankrupt!"

<:Look it's not that bad.  I'm sure there's something in the 'Everything 
You Always Wanted To Know About The LNH, But Were Afraid To Ask' manual 
that talks about this.:>

"This?"  Kid Kicked-Out said picking up the book.  "There's nothing but 
blank pages!"

<:Wow!  Really?  Those are pretty rare.  I bet you could get quite a lot 
for that on the Omnilooniversal Black Market.  Not that I would know 
anything about that.  Well, hmm.. okay.  So the manual is useless. 
Well, let's try the... hmmm.  Say.  What happened to the Fragment of the 
Last Deus ex Machina?:>

"The what..?"

<:It would look like a small bottle that has a colorful energy ball in it.:>

"Uhh.. You mean this?"  Kid Kicked-Out said pointing at the glass 
fragments on the hard cement floor.

<:What the hell did you do?:>

"Me?  It was you!  You scared me with those loud beeps!  Umm.. So is 
this, like, bad?"

<:That would depend on how you define bad.  There is a legend.  There 
will come a time in the future when the Omnilooniverse faces its 
greatest threat.  A menace so horrible that it will take the combined 
might of every LNH that has ever existed and will ever exist to defeat 
it.  Each LNH has a fragment of The Last Deus ex Machina.  And there 
will come a time after many of the LNH'rs have been killed that the 
remaining few will open all their bottles and all the fragments will 
combine with each other to form The Last Deus ex Machina which will 
destroy the great menace in an epic battle.  So if you define bad as the 
horrible destruction of every single Looniverse that has ever existed, 
then I guess you could call this bad.:>

<:That being said, I guess there's no point in worrying about it.  The 
Omnilooniverse was going to end one of these days.  It will just end a 
little sooner than all the cosmic powers expected it too.  I wouldn't 
worry about it.  I'm not worried.:>

"So what do I do now?"

<:Now?  I guess you should start finding some really high paying job so 
you can pay for my salary.:>

"How do I turn you off?"

<:Now.  Now.  Let's just settle down, Cowboy.  Let's not do anything 
that we might later regret.  Let's just calm down and... *CLICK*:>

"There.  That did the trick."  Kid Kicked-Out looked at the briefcase 
and sighed.  He needed to get some rest.  He'd figure out everything 

REPOST: LNHY:  Looniverse Y #1:  Part II:  Jumping Off on the Wrong Foot

Part II


There's an island you won't find on any map.  There's an island that no 
spy satellite can see.  Most people don't know about it and if you were 
to tell them about it, they'd think you were as nutty as a walnut 

There's an island.

An island called If-I-Told-You-Where-It-Was-I'd-Have-To-Kill-You Island.

On this island you will find jungles filled with dinosaurs, sabertooth 
tigers, unicorns, phoenixes, and creatures you've never even heard of. 
Beneath the jungle lies a gigantic cavern created by some ancient alien 
race filled with amazing technology that you would have to see to 
believe.  And beneath that is a city filled with sentient gila monsters 
who worship a cartoon character named 'Geraldo Gila' and are waiting for 
the day 'Geraldo Gila' will return and help them enslave Planet T-Bone. 
  And beneath that is a level that doesn't really have anything 
significant on it, but I'd thought I'd mention it anyways.  And beneath 

Beneath that is a bar.

A bar called the No-Such-Place Bar.

In this bar you'll find people who know who killed JFK.  Who know where 
Hoffa's body is buried.  Who know why there's an eye in the pyramid on 
the back of every one dollar bill.  Who know how many licks it takes to 
get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.  Every dark mystery that ever 
existed you can find someone in this bar who can tell you the answer.

In one corner is some guy who looks exactly like Tom Brokaw playing John 
Denver tunes on a piano.  The waitresses wear ear muffs and blindfolds 
as they serve drinks to the customers.  CIA and KGB Spooks, Men in 
Black, Trenchcoated Aliens cover the bar.  People even the most paranoid 
crazies wouldn't be insane enough to believe in drink cocktails.  Spoons 
lazily tap secret codes that no one can decipher.  And everyone listens 
to everyone because they want to know everything about everything.

And deep in another corner of the bar is a man that everyone refuses to 
look at and listen to.  Even the most ruthless seem to be afraid of this 
man.  Shadows cover his face in a way that obscures any hope of 
describing what he looks like.  He's a large man and that's all that can 
be said about that.  People don't know his name.  People don't want to 
know his name.  In a place where everyone wants to know everything, no 
one seems to want to know him.  They don't want to know his purpose. 
His secrets.  His agenda.  His dreams.

The only thing anyone knows about him is that he likes to drink Banana 
Daiquiris.  It's the only thing he ever drinks.  There's a rumor that he 
was a hero a long time ago and that he had the power to make Banana 
Daiquiris, but lost that power.  But it's just a rumor.  And you know 
how rumors are.

The people who are brave enough to call him anything, call him The 
Banana Daiquiri-Drinking Man.

And when you gaze into the abyss, the Banana Daiquiri-Drinking Man gazes 


The Banana Daiquiri-Drinking Man had company tonight.

"So, did your delivery of the briefcase go as planned?  You met Greef 
Graves?"  The BDD Man said in a low Orson Wellish voice to a man who 
usually had no time for questions.

"Umm, Greef Graves?"  The Mysterious Shadowy Messing-with-Destiny Dude's 
heart started to beat a little faster.  "Did you say Greef Graves?"

"Yes, Greef Graves.  Why is there something wrong?"

"Oh, it sounded like something else.  It sounded like, um, Greeve 
Gaines.  It must be the acoustics in this place."

"Why would I say Greeve Gaines?  You did get the briefcase to the right 
person?  Didn't you?"

"Oh, yes.  I sure did!  I gave it to Greef Graves.  Yep.  Greef Graves. 
  That's who I gave it to."  MSMWD Dude started to drink straight from 
the scotch bottle.

"Good.  I'd perish to think of someone else who could be the Leader of 
LNH at this critical juncture.  Greef Graves might very well be the only 
person who could lead it.  How's he doing?"

"Oh we didn't have much time to talk."

"That sounds like Greef.  He's always on the move.  Going to oppressed 
lands and freeing them.  Righting wrongs.  It's why I wanted him to be 
the leader of the LNH.  He's a leader of leaders.  He's a man of vision 
who can make the blind see by just talking to them.  He's like some 
cross between Gandhi, Bruce Lee, Muhammad Ali, Elvis Presley, and 
Pocahontas.  I met him once.  A long time ago.  It was at this strip 
joint in Rio De Janeiro.  He was sitting right next to me.  We talked 
about religion, politics, and baseball.  I remember looking into his 
eyes and seeing hope for humanity.  I saw a humanity that could rise 
above its greed, its lies, its hatred.  A humanity that had the 
potential to be something glorious.  I saw that in his eyes."

"Yeah," the MSMWD Dude nodded in agreement.  "I saw that in his eyes 
too.  Although I thought he was drunk at the time."

"Drunk on hope.  I suppose.  Anyway, in the coming months, bad things 
are going to come.  Things so horrible that they even chill my bones. 
I'm not going to be here when these things come because I'm not sure if 
anyone can stop them even Greef Graves.  But I'll rest easier knowing 
that Greef Graves has the reigns of the LNH.  I hope he can save this 
Looniverse.  I was born here and spent most of my life here.  I'd hate 
to see this place destroyed."  The BDD Man paused a moment as if he was 
lost in a thought.  "But better it than me."

"And I hope he can survive because when it gets down to it I want to be 
the one that destroys him.  I want to be the one that crushes his 
utopian whimsies.  I want to squeeze every last drop of hope from his 
eyes.  I want to be the one who laughs at his face as he takes his final 
breath.  That's my dream."

"Sounds fun!  So what about the items you promised me?"

"Ah, yes.  You wanted these?"  The BDD Man pulled out a pouch from under 
the table.  He handed it to the MSMWD Dude.  "They're all there.  I hope 
they are satisfactory."

The MSMWD Dude opened the pouch up a little bit and took a peek.  They 
were spheres of some type and kind of looked like planets the size of 
marbles.  He closed the pouch quickly again.  "Oh yeah.  These look 
very, very satisfactory.  I guess this settles our business."

"Business is never settled, my mysterious shadowy friend.  But for the 
moment we're through.  I guess I should be going.  In a few days, 
Looniverse Y will become a very dangerous place.  You should probably 
think about leaving too."

"I've still got some business here.  But once that's finished, I'll 
probably be traveling to much safer waters."

"Well, I guess I should be off.  Wait!  Is that Britney Spears dancing 
naked on top of a table?" The BDD Man said pointing in the other direction.

The MSMWD Dude turned his head, but quickly realized that he had been 
hoodwinked.  There was no Britney Spears, naked or otherwise.  He looked 
back to find that the Banana Daiquiri-Drinking Man had completely 
vanished.  Why does he always do that?  Why can't he leave the bar like 
a normal person?

It didn't really matter. The MSMWD Dude took another swig from the 
scotch bottle.  Greef Graves.  Dammit.  He could have sworn that the BDD 
man had said Greeve Gaines.  Ah well.  It was to late to do anything 
now.  This guy Greeve Gaines.  He was some superhero.  Right?  They had 
similar sounding names.  Wasn't that good enough?  Maybe he wasn't in 
Greef Graves class.  But still.  He wasn't even sure if Greef Graves 
existed.  There was no evidence of him ever existing except the 
occasional blurry photograph.  Maybe the BDD Man was playing some kind 
of mind game.  Or maybe some cruel cosmic being had retconned his 
memory.  He shouldn't have taken this job.

What was the worst thing that could possibly happen?  Well, besides the 
BDD Man finding out he had screwed up and showing his displeasure.  He 
had time though before the BDD Man would find out.  With this pouch he 
could hide away in some far away alternate universe safe from the BDD 
Man and live like an emperor.  But was there anyplace safe from the BDD Man?

He had one last delivery to make in this Looniverse.  He picked up 
another briefcase that was by his chair.  He'd make damn sure that this 
got to the right person.  Damn sure.

The briefcase had an engraving that read, 'Property of the System 

He took another swig from the bottle.  Well, hopefully it would.


The Next Day...

Greeve Gaines (Not to be confused with Greef Graves) aka Kid Kicked-Out, 
the New Leader of the LNH, was going somewhere.  There was this guy he 
knew that was good at getting out of jams.  Maybe he could find some way 
out of this whole LNH mess.  As he made his way to the guy's place his 
cellphone started to ring.

~{I've had a relapse, Greeve.}~

"A relapse?  Barry?  Is that you?"

~{I was in traffic.  This guy cut me off.  And they just appeared in my 
head.  I couldn't help it.}~

"Wait?  Who appeared in your head?  Were they supervillains?  Did you 
create more supervillains?"  The person Kid K-O was talking to was Barry 
M. O'Roll, although he was better known across planet T-bone by his nom 
de guerre:  Master Root of All Evil.  He had the ability to cause a 
supervillain to exist by just thinking of one.  The thing was though, 
Barry M. O'Roll had reformed and the last supervillain he had created 
was over two years ago.

~{Their names are The Road Rager and Madam Middle Finger.}~

"Okay.  That doesn't sound too horrible.  A guy with road rage and a 
chick that likes to use her middle finger.  I think I can handle that. 
What street are they on?"

~{They're on Danehy-Oakes Avenue.  Look.  I don't think you 
undersxkrklkrlklrklrkkl...}~ The cellphone's connection died.

Kid K-O tried to redial the number, but he couldn't get back.  Oh, well. 
  It didn't matter.  He was pretty close to Danehy-Oakes Avenue as it was.

He wondered how bad this relapse was.  Hopefully it was just a one time 
occurrence.  The last thing this world needed was the return of Master 
Root of All Evil.  He had in his prime created some of the evilest 
supervillains ever to exist in Looniverse Y.  And because of that people 
fairly or unfairly blamed him for ever single bad thing that had ever 
happened or will happen.  Everyone hated him.  Even supervillains.  Even 
the supervillains he created.  Especially them.

The irony was that he was kind of a meek mild-mannered guy.  Other than 
the nasty villains he created he wasn't much of a threat.  He wore this 
brown supervillain costume and had a utility belt with different types 
of roots.  He had carrots, radishes, tree roots, turnips, and whatever 
other kind of root there was.  He used them as weapons.  Back in the 
early days of Kid K-O's career they would run into each other quite 
frequently since MRoAE fought every superhero team there ever was and 
Kid K-O belonged to nearly every superhero group at one time or the other.

One night a few years ago, Kid K-O heard someone knocking at his door. 
A meek wimpy knock, not the angry knocks that Kid K-O usually got.  When 
Kid K-O opened his door he was surprised to see MRoAE right behind it. 
MRoAE didn't look like someone who was about to cause major property 
damage.  He looked like someone sad and depressed about life.

'Look, I don't want to fight,' MRoAE said taking off his mask.  'My name 
is Barry M. O'Roll.  I know who you are, Kid Kicked-Out.  I know your 
name is Greeve Gaines.  I'm not going to black mail you or anything.  I 
don't know why I came here.  I just... I just had to talk to someone.  I 
have no friends, family, or anything.  I have nothing.  We could go to a 
bar.  I don't know.  I'll pay for the drinks.  This isn't some kind of 
homosexual pick-up or anything.  I'm totally straight.  I just need to 
talk to someone.  Please.  Just for a few minutes.  Please?'

Kid K-O accepted the offer.  Kid K-O had a hard time turning down 'free' 
anything; especially free booze.  They went to the bar unmasked and in 
there street clothes.  MRoAE told Kid K-O about how he hated being a 
supervillain.  He told of how fate had molded him into one.  His dad was 
a Satanic Televangelist.  And his mom was a Pantomime Instructor.  What 
choice did he have, but to become evil?

His birth mark was the word 'EVIL' spelled right on the back of his 
neck.  By the age of six, he had lost all of his hair.  By the age of 
ten, he had grown a goatee.  It seemed like every single force was 
pushing him to be evil.  The final straw was when he was in college.  He 
tried to get an orange soda from a vending machine.  But instead of an 
orange soda, a rootbeer came out.  And not any ordinary rootbeer.  This 
was The Rootbeer of All Evil.  And so he resigned himself to his fate 
and became Master Root of All Evil.  And he inflicted his menace on 
mankind for many years.

But he didn't want to be evil anymore.  He wanted a new life.  He wanted 
a change.  That's what he told Kid K-O in that bar.

After that meeting, they kept meeting every week or so.  They would 
shoot pool.  Hit on chicks.  Start bar fights.  Get kicked-out of 
places.  Eventually they became good friends.  It was a secret 
friendship though.  The world wouldn't approve of a superhero and 
supervillain being best friends.  And Barry M. O'Roll started going to 
Thought-Criminals Anonymous.  And ultimately, he had stopped thinking up 
supervillains and had been clean for over two years.  Up till now.

The sound of helicopters brought Kid Kicked-Out's mind back to the 
present.  They were heading towards Danehy-Oakes Avenue.

All the cars had pretty much ground to a halt.  And there was this 
horribly loud honking sound.  He was close to Danehy-Oakes Avenue.

And then he saw it.  It was a gigantic SUV so big that it was in all 
eight lanes as well as on the sidewalk.  Various wrecked and burning 
cars made a circle around it.  The SUV had some cute gigantic bumper 
stickers on it.  For Example:  'More Blood for Oil' and 'Honk if you 
want your car to burn'.  In the monstrous SUV were two giants.  A male 
and a female.

The female stuck her chest out the window and waved both middle fingers 
while shouting a bunch of obscenities at the people on the street.  Her 
male companion had one hand slamming the horn which was so loud that it 
shattered peoples windows.  The other hand held a gun the size of a tank 
that he used to blast the hell out of any car that got too close.  He 
also appeared to be giving motorists critiques on their driving abilities.

SPEED LIMIT'S 35MPH!!!!!  USE YOUR @#$@#$#@ GAS PEDAL!!!!!"


MR. NICE GUY!!!!!"

The Road Rager occasionally would take a break from his shooting spree 
to look at his watch, "AAARRRGHGHGHHH!!!!  I'M GOING TO MISS 'WALKER: 

Christ, Barry.  You've really done it this time.  Kid Kicked-Out wasn't 
sure what he could do here if anything.  There didn't seem to be any way 
to use his kicked-out powers.  He was invulnerable, but he really hated 
pain.  He couldn't take stubbing his toe much less being shot at by some 
car cremating weapon.  And there was always the possibility that this 
would be the one weapon that could actually hurt him.  Maybe his best 
bet would be to find an 'observing' place safe from harm so he could 
'observe' the events and come up with some brilliant strategy.  Or so he 
could wait for other heroes to come and when it looked like they might 
have the upper hand charge in to join the victory.  Yeah!  That sounds 
like a plan!

With that Kid K-O edged quietly back from the Traffic Armageddon in 
search for an 'observing' place to hide... err I mean 'observe'.  But 
before he could do that the Road Rager's eyes spotted him.


The Road Rager aimed his Traffic Management Gun straight at Kid 
Kicked-Out and prepared to fire.  Kid K-O went, "Ulp!"

But before the Road Rager could fire a loud obnoxious beep came from Kid 
K-O's briefcase.

<:*BEEP* *BEEP*  Hey!  People!  I'm beeping!  I'm detecting a new member 
of the LNH! *BEEP* *BEEP*  It's no use ignoring me!  I'll just start 
beeping louder!  **BEEP** **BEEP**:> beeped the New LNH Member Detector.


NEXT TIME:  Will that Drunken Screw-up The Mysterious Shadowy 
Messing-with-Destiny Dude get the System's Corrupters briefcase to the 
right person?  What do you suppose those LNHQ Pills taste like?  Did the 
Road Rager have a bad childhood?  Is the Banana Daiquiri-Drinking Man 
some corrupt alternate universe version of Cheesecake Eater Lad?  How 
loud can the New LNH Member Detector beep?? Will No-Duh! Soda ever 
achieve the popularity of Mr. Paprika??  Will there be a Looniverse Y #2??

All these questions (or none of them) will be answered next time by 
someone who is not me!!!

(That's your cue:  Some writer who is not me!)


Writer's Notes:

If you want to write the next issue, you should probably read the LNHY 
NAQ (Never Asked Questions) first.  It will tell you everything you need 
to know.  If you don't see it, e-mail me and I'll send you a copy.

Arthur "Kicking Off" Spitzer

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