LNHY: Biblical Avengers #1: Biblical Avengers Assemble!
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Tue Apr 1 21:31:58 PDT 2014
Biblical Avengers #1: Biblical Avengers Assemble!
4600 years ago
It rained for forty days and forty nights until the whole world was covered with a deluge. One man, however, was able to survive along with his family and two each (one male and one female) of every kind of animal: he was able to do this because he built an ark and placed his family and the animals in the ark before the rains even came. His name was Noah.
"Father!" Noah's oldest son said.
"What is it!"
"I see land!"
Indeed, after all this time they did see land again. And so they started taking animals off the ark, two by two, until the ark was almost empty.
"But, father, what about the dinosaurs?" Noah's youngest son asked.
Noah nodded. "Have no fear! The dinosaurs are still on the ark but I will retrieve them post haste! You wait here!"
Noah went back onto the ark and started freeing the dinosaurs.
Just then, a big wind swept the ark back out to sea!
"Father!" all three of Noah's sons cried out.
"NO!" Noah said.
It was too late: the ark was swept away by the strong winds. Noah's family and all the animals that has disembarked from the ark were left on the shore while Noah, the ark and the dinosaurs all drifted towards the north pole.
4600 years later, in Heaven
"Father!" Jesus said.
"My son!" God said.
"You asked for me?"
"Yes," God said, "it is time."
"You mean the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand?"
"So I shall return to Earth and become the ruler of all mankind?"
"And in so doing bring about the apocalypse!"
"Like it says in Revelations! There will be war and pestilence and famine and death!"
"Okay, look, Revelations was just some guy on drugs writing down a hallucination and claiming it to be a prophesy for the end of days."
"But I told my followers that I would return within their lifetimes and that was almost two thousand years ago! They are all dead now! People have waited long enough!"
"I'm just saying that you can ascend to the throne in the Kingdom of Heaven without killing billions of people!"
"What about when you destroyed almost all of mankind in a flood?"
God nodded. "That was then. I was an old man and a fool. Your philosophy is better: turn the other cheek; do not judge sinners; let people come to you of their own free will!"
"Fuck that!" Jesus said. "That was two thousand years ago! People are more skeptical than ever! They want a sign! And I will give it to them!"
"Not by killing billions of innocent people!"
"They aren't innocent! They had their chance! Christianity has existed for almost two thousand years and yet there are still people who do not believe!"
"But killing people is not the way! I promised I wouldn't do that again!"
"Tell that to the people of Sodom and Gomorrah!"
"Yeah, well, I freaked out because guys were having gay sex."
"What about the people of Jericho and Ai?"
"Well, technically, it was Joshua who did all that killing." God shook his head. "Look, I've been a really angry god, but over the millennia I have come to recognize my mistakes."
"NO!" Jesus said. "You're wrong! Christianity has preached peace for two thousand years and it still has not won the hearts of all of mankind! We need to show the people of Earth that we our their god!"
God sighed deeply. "I was wrong." He grimaced. "I was wrong to think you were ready to be king!" God raised his hands. "I strip you of your power! I strip you of your authority! I cast you out!" A vortex opened up behind Christ and Christ was sucked into it.
God then created a metal cross. He placed an enchantment on the cross: "Whosoever is able to lift this cross, if he shall be worthy, shall have the power of Christ!" He then threw the cross into the portal and closed the portal behind it.
New York City
"So how was the date last night?"
Mary McLean grimaced. "The guy was a total creep."
"He seemed nice."
"He wanted me to come back to his place after dinner."
"So... I'm not that kind of girl."
Anna Marie Lopez shook her head. "Mary, are you going to remain a virgin for the rest of your life?"
"I... oh my God! Look at that poor man lying on the sidewalk!"
"Marie, don't you change the subject!"
"It looks like he needs help!"
Anna sighed. "He's just some homeless dude. He's probably drunk."
"Or he passed out!"
"Yeah, because he had too much to drink! I mean, look at him: he's wearing pajamas!"
"These aren't pajamas! They're robes."
"Whatever. And he's unshaven. He probably hasn't even taken a bath in months!"
Mary knelt down beside the unconscious Christ. "Are you okay?" she asked.
Christ opened his eyes. "Who?"
"I'm Mary McLean. Do you need any help?"
"McLean. Mary McLean." She sighed. "Anna, help me get him up."
"What are you going to do?"
"What do you think? My apartment building is a few feet away: we can carry him that far."
"Are you serious? I fix you up with a cute guy at work and you won't go home with him but this homeless guy you found on the street you are going to totally take him home?"
"Are you going to help me or not?"
Mary and Anna carried Christ up to Mary's apartment and sat him down on her bed.
"Wow, Mary," Anna said. "This is fast work. You've brought the guy straight to your bedroom."
"Enough!" Mary said. "If you want, you can go now."
"Yeah, right, to leave you alone with your new boyfriend."
Mary rolled her eyes. "Don't you care about your fellow human beings?"
Anna snorted. "Yeah, I care! Like right now I'm worried that this guy is going to turn out to be some rapist or serial killer!"
"Fine!" Mary said. "Then stick around and help me take care of him. Then you know I'll be safe."
Anna sighed. "Fine."
Mary looked Christ in the eyes. "Where did you come from?"
"Heaven," Christ said.
Anna sighed. "Look, whoever you are, this is not the time to be giving her a pick up line!"
Mary ignored her. "What's you name?"
"I am Jesus Christ," Christ said.
Anna rolled her eyes. "Great. He's delusional."
"No," Christ said, "I am Jesus Christ. I was cast out from Heaven by my father because I was arrogant!"
Anna laughed. "You've got the story wrong," she said. "Satan was the one cast out of Heaven! Not Christ!"
"I haven't been cast down to Hell. My father sent me to Earth. He must want me to relearn humility so that I can be a righteous king."
Mary looked at him with pity. "Are you hungry?"
Christ reflected for a moment. He did feel an emptiness in his stomach. "Yes," he said. "I am hungry."
Mary and Anna brought Christ to the kitchen and sat him down at the table. She also went and turned on the TV.
"You can have an apple," Mary said, pointing to the apples in the fruit bowl in the middle of the table. She reflected for a moment. "I have a bag of chicken nuggets in the freezer. I can cook the whole bag in the frying pan. Do you like chicken?"
"Chicken is fine," Christ said. "Thank you. You are a true good Samaritan!"
Just then there was a news report on TV.
>>Channel 35 Action News! A cross was found in the North Meadow of Central Park this afternoon. So far, nobody has been able to lift it!<<
"This North Meadow. is it far from here?" Christ asked.
Mary shook her head. "Not so far."
"How do you get there?"
"From here? Take the subway to Mt. Sinai Hospital. Why?"
"Take me there. Please."
"Now? But we haven't eaten."
Christ nodded. "You are right. I am sorry. We need to first address the immediate needs of our flesh. But then, can you take me?"
"I guess. Anna?"
Anna nodded. "I'm not going to let this guy drag you to Central Park in the middle of the night without me there to protect you!"
Mary fried the nuggets and placed them on three separate plates and then served them at the table. When they were all finished eating, they went out again and walked to the nearest subway station. They then took the subway to Mt.Sinai Hospital and crossed the road to get to Central Park. A federal agent stopped them from going to the North Meadow.
"I'm sorry," he said, "but we can't let you go in there."
"But this is a public park!" Mary protested.
"I am Jesus Christ!" Christ said, "and I need to get into this park!"
"Oh, I'm sorry Mr. Christ," the agent said, sarcastically, "but I can't let you do that."
"Under whose authority?" Mary asked.
"Colonel Nick Furry, Director of F.I.S.T."
"F.I.S.T.?" Anna asked. "What the Hell is that?"
"That, Ma'am, is the Federal Institute of Science and Technology. They are here to investigate a meteorite crash."
"That was no meteorite!" Christ said. "It was a cross sent from Heaven by my father!"
The agent laughed. "Don't believe everything you hear on the news."
"Can we speak to this Colonel Furry?" Mary asked.
"No," the agent said.
"He was called away on urgent business."
Noah opened his eyes and found himself in bed. It was a more comfortbale bed than he had every laid on. The sheets were also cleaner than he had ever remembered sheets to be.
Standing next to the bed was a nurse. She had Nubian features for, indeed, she was a native of the Nubian desert and had lived her entire life in the Nile river valley. She spoke to Noah in Nobiin, which is the modern equivalent of Old Nubian.
"Are you alright?" she asked.
Noah thought her language sounded like Ancient Egyptian and so he answered in that language. "I am fine."
"Good," she said. "I am glad."
"Where am I?" Noah asked.
"Egypt," she said.
"How is this possible?" Noah asked. "The flood should have destroyed all of Egypt. How did this building withstand it?"
The nurse couldn't understand what he was saying. "I'm sorry," she said. "Could you speak more slowly?"
Noah started to catch on. "What year is this?"
"I'm sorry, I don't understand."
Noah got out of bed. "WHAT YEAR IS THIS?"
Just then, two F.I.S.T. agents entered the room. They spoke to him in Arabic. "Stand down," they said.
Noah did not speak the language of the nomadic people of the desert. Nor did this nurse understand him. He needed to get answers and these men were in his way: he therefore picked them up and through them through the wall, which would have been really impressive if the wall hadn't been made of paper.
"What magic is this?" Noah asked.
On the other side of the wall was Colonel Nick Fury. He didn't look happy.
"Who are you?" Noah asked.
Nick sighed. "Look, none of us here speak Sumerian. It's a dead language. So you're just going to have to learn to speak English."
"English?" Noah asked.
"Yes. It's the only language I speak."
"What year is this?" Noah asked in English.
"It's the year 2014 but that probably means nothing to you."
"We found you in your ark frozen on ice at the north pole. You've been asleep, Noah, for 4600 years."
Noah let that sink in. "And the dinosaurs."
Nick nodded. "They were also frozen. We had them moved to a couple of islands off the coast of South America, but you shouldn't worry about them: that's a completely different movie franchise."
"Why did you bring me here?"
"There's someone we want you to meet. He's in the psych ward."
Nick brought Noah down the hall and into another room where a man was bound by a straight jacket.
"Why is this man imprisoned in this manner?" Noah asked.
"He claims to be Moses," Nick explained, "He appeared from out of nowhere and he became violent and he had to be restrained."
Moses looked Noah in the eyes. "You are Noah!"
"Do I know you?" Noah asked.
"I know about you!" Moses said. "You are Noah from the old stories!"
"How did you come to be here?"
Moses thought for a moment. "After I brought the commandments to the Hebrews, God brought me to Heaven where I stayed for thousands of years. But recently God said I was needed on Earth. He brought me here to Egypt. I believe I was sent to find you!"
"Why?" Noah asked.
"I don't know!"
Just then, a F.I.S.T. agent came in. "Colonel Furry, there's a disturbance in Israel!"
Earlier, in Israel
"I told you to get a haircut!"
Sampson sighed. "But I like my hair long!"
"You look like a girl!" his mother told him.
"No, I don't!" he responded angrily.
"Don't talk back to your mother!"
"Don't nag me!"
"That's it! Go to your room!"
"I beg your pardon?"
"I said NO!" Sampson's muscles suddenly grew bigger and the buttons popped off of his shirt. "Sampson smash!" Sampson smashed through the wall of his house.
Later, in a plane overhead.
"There," Nick said. "Down there."
"This Sampson is a Biblical figure like ourselves?" Noah asked.
"No," Nick said, "our intelligence says that he was born here in Israel in modern times, but he would appear to be a reincarnation of the Sampson of old with the same powers of rage and super strength."
"And what do you want us to do?" Moses asked.
"You can try talking to him. We've done all we can to stop his rampage. We're lucky he hasn't killed anyone.
Meanwhile, back in New York
"I'm sorry you weren't able to get your cross," Mary told Jesus. She, Jesus and Anna had gone back to her apartment empty handed.
"It is alright," Christ said. "Thank you for your help."
"So what are you going to do now?" Anna asked.
"I don't know," he admitted.
Just then there was another news report on the TV.
>>Channel 35 International News! A large hulking man has been on a rampage in Jerusalem for the past hour! Nobody has been able to get him to calm down! F.I.S.T. agents have been sent in to apprehend him!<<
"This is wrong!" Christ said. "Violence solves nothing! People need to sit down together and work out their differences! They need to listen to each other!" He smiled and looked up. "Father, you were right. I apologize!"
Just then, the metal cross appeared in his hand. Christ held it up above him. There was the sound of thunder and a crack of lightning. Then Christ was gone.
"Jesus Christ!" Anna said.
Christ reappeared in Jerusalem. There he saw Moses and Noah trying to apprehend Sampson. Each of them held one of Sampson's arms.
"Stop!" Christ said. "I command you!"
"Who are you?" Moses asked.
"I am Jesus Christ! The son of God!"
"There is only one god!" Noah said.
"Indeed!" Moses said. "And he doesn't dress like that!"
Sampson's anger intensified and he was able to get free of Noah and Moses. "Sampson smash!" he said as he ran towards Jesus.
Seeing Sampson run at him, Jesus Christ spoke his own name.
TO BE CONTINUED?
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