LNH/REVIEW: Kid Review Responds: Beige Midnight #10

[Andrew Perron]

So, I didn't finish anything today, so I combed through things I hadn't
posted and found a partially-completed review of Beige Midnight #10.
Therefore, I snipped off the most useful part and decided to post it. I
give you:

>       TOP TEN POSSIBLE FINAL CONFRONTATIONS BETWEEN
>       EASILY-DISCOVERED MAN LITE AND THE EASILY-
>       DISCOVERED BRAN MITE

My responses to the Top Ten list at the beginning of Beige Midnight #10!

>       "You can take 'em, Lite!" cried the breathtaking Cynical Lass.
> "And by the way, I'm carrying your baby!"

I bet Imaginary Zombie Cynical Lass has something to say about this!

>       "Hit 'em one for me, Lite!" called Lite's ragamuffin sidekick, the
> blind, one-legged Depression-era newsboy Easily-Discovered Man Lite, Junior.

When he says the words "Easily-Discovered Man Lite", he gains all the
powers of a dissatisfied young adult!

>       "Nooooo!" Cynical Lass screamed, as Lite finally gave in to his
> pain.  He fell... crushing his tiny foe beneath him in the process.

Heeheeheehee

>       "Twenty years," the Easily-Discovered Bran Mite said.  "Two years
> to construct my impregnable Mynabird armor... and twelve years to
> sequence, clone and grow an Allosaurus!"

GASP!

>       "Then another two years to build this giant, transforming mecha,"
> Mite crowed, as a vast, heavily-armed, thoroughly impractical two-legged
> mechanoid stomped its way through the chamber.

GASP!!!

>       "And another two years to train the Allosaurus to operate the
> mecha," the Mite said, as the multi-ton meat-eater leaped into the
> cockpit of the machine, its roar muffled as the glass casing snapped
> shut around it.

GASP!!!!

>       "That's only 18 years," Lite pointed out.
>
>       "Allosauruses are notoriously difficult to housebreak," the Mite
> said, as the mighty theropod hung its head in shame.

Awwwwwwww<3 I mean GASP!!!!!!!!!!

>       Lite's hair rippled in the wind, as several brightly-colored
> vehicles -- a tank, a hovercraft, a jet, a helicopter and a
> shuttlecraft, each piloted by one of the hissing dromaeosaurs -- burst
> and blasted their way into the chamber, causing much of the furniture to
> explode.
>
>       "...they're pack animals, which makes them really good at
> coordinating their efforts," Lite continued, as the five
> dinosaur-piloted vehicles linked together, becoming the arms, legs,
> torso and head of a rainbow-colored robot.

Okay, so I'm going to be writing this series now if that's okay

>       "Damn it!" the Mite shouted, pounding two of his fists into the
> chamber wall and turning away for a moment.  When at last he returned
> his gaze to Lite, all eight of his eyes were rimmed with tears.
>
>       "I wish I could quit you," he whispered, as the two embraced
> passionately.

Hey, why wasn't this on the "end up with" list!?

>      "The song says 'Some will win.  Some will lose.  Some are going to
> sing the blues,' " Lite continued, twirling his fork in the plate of
> pasta.  "But that seems unnecessarily redundant.  Wouldn't the people
> singing the blues be, of necessity, the losers?  Or is the song trying
> to say that by choosing to sing the blues, they -- despite having
> experienced a loss -- cease to become losers, thanks to the
> transformative power of art?"

Well, some might win but sing the blues over what they sacrificed to get
there...

>       The door to the restaurant opened.  Lite looked up.
>
>
>
>       The scene faded to black.

GASP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

>      5. THE JOSS WHEDON ENDING:

I suspect this would have been quite different had it been written a few
months later.

>       "Hold on," the Mite said.  "Why is it that I'm the antagonist in
> all of these endings?  Easily-Discovered Man Lite destroyed my
> girlfriend, my children, and my civilization -- and even if you want to
> argue that he's ignorant of having committed those crimes, surely his
> reckless disregard for the lives of others has to be taken into account?"

Well sure, but that's gonna be dealt with over in his own book, Mister
Miniseries.

>       BLAM!  BLAM!
>
>       "Hah!" said Neil Patrick Harris, emerging from a nearby shrubbery
> with a smoking pistol in each hand.

Heeheeheehee

>       "Hah!  Didn't expect to see me again, did you?" said Neil Patrick
> Harris, as Lite and Mite toppled to the ground.
>
>       "Thanks," Shipwreck began, before Neil Patrick Harris fired again.
>   The sailor crumpled to the floor.
>
>       "Bet you didn't expect that, either?  Yeah!" the actor said.
> "LNH-20 universe need a new Pointless Death Man?  I'm the guy.  You with
> me, Polly?"
>
>       "Rawk!" the parrot said, settling onto Neil Patrick Harris'
> shoulder and making a "V" with one wing.  "Peace out, mother*@#$%^ers."

Bwahahahaha XD

>       "Seriously?" the Mite asked, craning his thorax upward to look at
> the line of hearts above his head.  "So the target demographic for this
> ending is people who are young enough to read and appreciate manga and
> anime, but old enough to remember playing 8-bit games?  Exactly how many
> people do they think are in hat particular audience?"

Actually, it's quite common. It makes once you separate the interest groups
from age-based demographics; the archive factor, with services like the
Virtual Console exposing newer gamers to older "classic" games, makes the
crossover easy. As well, the people who were most interested in manga and
anime back in the day would also have been interested in importing games
like Final Fantasy II and III which weren't originally brought over to the
US, and...

Oh, bugger, I went into "helpful rant" mode again, didn't I?

>       "You mean the fact that none of this is real?  That we're living
> in a fictional universe?" the Bran Mite said.

No, we all knew that already.

>       "Only one person could know that," said 'Arthur Spitzer,' using a
> rag to remove the make-up from his face.  "And that's the young boy in
> whose imagination not only the Legion of Net.Heroes, but
> rec.arts.comics.creative, the Usenet and even the Internet itself
> exists... Andrew Perron!"
>
>       "Of course I knew that," said the false Saxon Brenton, switching
> off the hologram watch he wore at his wrist.  "For I, too, am Andrew
> Perron!"
>
>       "We are all Andrew Perron!" said every other member of the cast,
> dropping their own disguises... and turning to stare directly at the
> reader...

Ah, yes, I do remember my reaction to this part:

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

<3!!!!!!!!

>      1. THE ENDING THE AUTHOR THOUGHT WAS QUITE WITTY AND
>      AMUSING AT 2 A.M. EARLIER THIS WEEK, BUT NOW WONDERS
>      IF IT SHOULD BE INCLUDED AT ALL:

These are always great.

(eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee<3<3<3)

>       "Is this thing on?" Lite asked, tapping the microphone.  "Okay.
> So this family of ninjas walks into a talent agency..."
>
>       Seventeen minutes later...
>
>       "...And so the agent says, 'What in the world do you call that
> particular method of assasination?'  And the head of the ninja clan
> says, 'The Aristocrats!' "
>
>       Lite looked over at his audience.  Simon Cowell had torn the
> cushion loose from his seat and used it to smother himself to death.
> Anna Wintour's face had melted, in a manner not dissimilar to that of
> the Nazis in "Raiders of the Lost Ark," leaving behind only a skeleton
> with impeccable bone structure.
>
>       Crow, however, was cheering and applauding wildly.
>
>       "That was the most disgusting thing I've ever heard in my entire
> life!" the robot said.  "I want more!  MORE!"

Mwahahahahhaaaaaa<3<3<3

>       "In reality, 'twas his own misplaced sense of anger, his need for
> venegance, that killed him," Easily-Discovered Man said.
>
>       "No," said Lite, removing his baseball cap and holding it over his
> heart as he bent down to examine the remains of his fallen foe.  "No,
> Prof, it wasn't venegance.  And it certainly wasn't me that killed him.
>   It was booty -- specifically Neil Patrick Harris' booty -- that killed
> the beast."

Mmmmm. Goes down smooth and satisfying. <3

Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, still great. <3