LNH: Looniverse Chronicles #3

Andrew Perron pwerdna at gmail.com
Sun Oct 27 20:38:03 PDT 2013


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                    LOONIVERSE O CHRONICLES
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                Written by  \--3--/  Andrew Perron
Across the Omnilooniverse: Purgatorio on Looniearth-E!

The cover features a seven-teired mountain with tiny versions of 
LNHers, often wearing diapers or holding teddy bears, hanging off of 
it. At the bottom stands a figure in supervillainous armor, who has 
removed his spiky helmet and is looking up with a sense of wonder.

                    ----------< >----------

In a towering eleven-dimensional structure, of firament gold and 
transient ivory and starbreaker opal, within a reasonable walking 
distance from the fulcrum of the multiverse, court is being held - the 
court of the Living Moderator!

Nameless and fundamental forces put on human drag and walk these halls. 
The ever-watching Samurai Moons orbit patiently at the gates. The 
cosmic background radiation hums with rumor, for today is an event 
common on geologic scales yet rare by worldly clocks; today, a being 
has turned themselves in for judgment!

The Scyldh Ta opened the gleaming scroll of bailiwick. "Pentient is 
known as Gautro Xon, AKA the Transdimensional Tyrant. Pentient's crimes 
include mass oppression, systemic destruction, thought criminalization, 
and joy prevention fourth degree."

The three faces of the Living Moderator, hooded, half-hooded, and bare, 
gazed upon the being that stood, bowed but unbroken, at its feet. THE 

Gautro Xon did not raise his head against that terrible gaze, yet he 
addressed the Moderator directly. "My eyes were opened when the being 
known as the Gastroenterologist made me face the horrors I had wrought. 
Now I seek only to make amends."

The eyes of the Living Moderator sought the truth. Light shone through 
the cracks in his soul.

REDEMPTION. The light grew stronger, the intent to change reality 
becoming reality itself. YOU WILL BE SENT TO WORK OFF YOUR SINS.

He squeezed his eyes shut, though it did not matter to the light. "For 
how long?"


Gautro Xon was swallowed by the light... and ended up sitting at the 
end of an enormously long kitchen table. An older man was there, 
standing by an oven, putting on baking mitts. He was wrinkled with 
laugh lines around the eyes, and had a shock of spiky white hair. 
Despite his lack of beard, he reminded Gautro of Santa Claus, or as 
they called him on his home planet, Stern Chaos Barghest.

"Heya, stranger!" The man grinned, opening the oven and pulling out a 
sheet of cookies. "Welcome to Net.ropolis Orphanage, Daycare, Preschool 
and Recreation Center! I'm the headmaster, Old Man Enthusiastic."

Politeness to the elderly. Wasn't that supposed to be a virtue? 
"Greetings, sir," said Gautro, rising from the seat and bowing deeply. 
"I am Gautro Xon, the iron-fisted tyrant of-- I mean, Gautro Xon, 
the... humble. Can you tell me, where am I? Is this my pentience? And 
if so... what is the work I am to do?"

"Ah, yes - they told me they were sending someone down. This, m'boy, is 

"Looniverse-E? The Evilverse? But t'was destroyed utterly, sacrificed 
to stop a threat not unlike my-- er, a very large bad threat."

"Y'know, it's funny," said Old Man E, putting the cookies into an old-
fashioned cookie jar. "Crack a planet, burst a star, smear a galaxy 
into a spatial smudge - it just requires enough force in the end. But 
universes are made of sterner stuff! Collapse 'em and they bounce back. 
C'mere!" He walked over to the screen door and walked out on the patio.

Gautro Xon followed him - and gasped. The night sky was FULL - stars 
and nebulae, galaxies and moons. "Then - it is our task to look after a 
young universe?"

"Nah, we're looking after the LNH Babies!"

"...the what--"

Old Man Enthusiastic rang a bell, and the doors burst open, dozens of 
toddlers in ridiculous costumes running in. Adults of various stripes 
followed them in, carrying even younger children wearing equally 
ridiculous costumes and seating them in high chairs. In a whirlwind of 
activity, ovens and refrigerators were opened and specialized dinners 
were prepared and served.

"See, because it's literally a *baby* universe!" Old Man Enthusiastic 
waited for laughter... waited... waited... decided to give up in the 
face of Gautro Xon's polite bafflement.

"But how would it be that in a single city, there would be enough 
prepubescent net.humans to--"

"Ah, ah, ah!" Old Man Enthusiastic's finger was in his face. He felt 
the Undying Rage of the Cosmos building up for a second, then 
remembered - he did not do that anymore. Could not. Would not. 
"Explanations ain't necessary! This is a story for kids! Go with it!"

"...a story?"

"Like I said, no or inadequate explanations only!" With a deft spin, he 
separated Baby Fuzzy and Baby Anal-Retentive Archive Kid, re-attached 
Baby Professor Penumbra's mystic bib, and dabbed some mashed potatoes 
off Baby Kid Kicked-Out's chin.

"...there is purpose here. I am sure of it." Gautro Xon's eyes darted 
back and forth. "But to what end? Legends recreated as babes in arms?" 
He shrank back into himself, away from the table of tots. "Whose arms? 
Criminals? Villains? The worst come to heel? But why, why, wh--"

He froze. Slowly, he turned to look at Old Man Enthusiastic, who was 
giving him a... kindly?... grin.

"Erm," he said, trying not to sound as if he was not filled with a fear 
that he had thought gone, banished from his life long before his rise 
to tyranny. "Might I ask a question on the... ramifications of this 

"Certainly, m'boy!" There was - there was *no* malice in that look. He 
would swear on it. And yet, and yet...

"Well - not, I assure you, that I would ever fathom such a thing, 
either in this life or my previous existence - but, well, let us say 
that some foolish caretaker, in a moment of weakness, intended to 
deliver pain and injury unto one of their charges. What would, mmm, 

"Ah, I understand!" He nodded knowingly. "You're concerned for their 
well-being. Good man! Well, we understand mistakes here, but we don't 
let them affect the kids. First mistake, it's prevented before it 
happens, and you go into the Toy Box for a while!"

"The..." Horrifying visions danced in his head. Visions of his torture 
chambers, of the strange and unique 'toys' they used to inflict highly 
creative torments. He fell backwards, overwhelmed - the terror he had 
created catching up to him.

The kids went quiet, staring with wide eyes. (Except for Baby Cynical 
Lass, who couldn't stop giggling.) This was it. He was finished.

Old Man Enthusiastic loomed over him. He flinched back... and then felt 
strong hands pulling him up. "Here, let's get you cleaned up." He was 
gently guided out of the room and into a bathroom. Cold water was 
splashed on his face and toweled off. "Better?"

"...yes. My apologies, sir, I will try not to--"

"Okay DUDE." Old Man Enthusiastic took him by the shoulders. "First, 
PLEASE don't call me 'sir'. Makes me sound even older than I am! 
Second... look. You may feel that you're the worst person in the 
multiverse, but get this through your head: you *weren't* sent here to 
suffer." He looked him in the eyes, those piercing, deep eyes. "You 
honestly want to change. That's rare enough in any world."

"But this place, it's a test--"

Old Man E shook his head vigorously. "Nope! This is a place for 
*beginnings*! For those who are starting their lives, and those who are 
starting their lives over." He clapped him on the back. "It's a new 

Gautro Xon blinked. "I see... so... why are *you* here?"

Old Man Enthusiastic blinked, then laughed. "Ahhhhh, well! That's 
something you have to *earn*." He grinned. "Feel better?"

"...yes." Gautro said. He stood up straight. "I am ready to learn to be 
a good guy."

"That's something, anyway!" Old Man E opened the door. "Your first 
task, then, is..." He sniffed the air, looked down, and picked up a 
small, robed figure, handing him to Gautro. "Your first task is to 
change Baby Time Crapper."

Gauntro Xon took a deep breath and smiled down at the little one. Soul 
like a feather. That meant letting go of his burdens and helping others 
with theirs. Even when they were... squishy.

                    ----------< >----------

Author's Note: This was written all in one day. Haha, whee, etc. @.@

Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, not entirely sure how long he can 
keep this up, but it's doing wonders for his productivity.

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