LNH: Flame Wars Final: First Phase #2

Andrew Perron pwerdna at gmail.com
Mon May 6 16:51:35 PDT 2013

Literary Impossible and Prehistoric Productions present...

            |   ^ ^ ^ ^  FLAME  ^ ^ ^ ^ ^  WARS  ^ ^ ^ ^   |
            |  ^ ^ ^ ^ ^       ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^      ^ ^ ^ ^ ^  |
            |   FFFFFFF IIIIIII NN   NN   AAAA   LL        |
   FIRST    |   FF        III   NNN  NN  AA  AA  LL        |   NUMBER
   PHASE    |   FFFFFF    III   NNNN NN AAAAAAAA LL        |    TWO
            |   FF        III   NN NNNN AA    AA LLLLLLL   |
            |   FF      IIIIIII NN  NNN AA    AA LLLLLLL   |

Casey von Aluminumfoil looked across Net.ropolis. The skyscrapers were 

The sky was a dizzying profusion of stars, and he couldn't look into 
its eyes. He walked among prone humans, who ate the lotus of boredom. 
The heartbeat of time was soft and closed.

None could walk, and therefore he did; it would only drive him where he 
was. But a light walked before him. It spun, and its sharp honey gleam 
washed him of delusion. As it lifted the sleepers, he knew why and when 
and what and where it was...


The mysterious new Irony Man walked through the Legion dorms toward the 
cafeteria. There, a pancake-and-bacon cheesecake would be acquired.

Look, even shadowy cryptic characters gotta eat.

Suddenly, Casey von Aluminumfoil stumbled out and grabbed onto Irony 
Man's arm. "Sincerity is coming!"

Irony Man stiffened and grabbed his arms. "What did you--"

"Er, hang on a sec." Casey slipped out and slipped out and ducked into 
the bathroom. A release, a flush and a handwashing later, he slid back 
between the metal hands. "Continue!"

"What did you say!?"

He put a hand to his temple. "I don't know... I had a dream? I think? 
And my powers kicked in... a vision of her..."

"Her?" Irony Man practically shook him apart before letting go. "Her 

Casey shook the cobwebs out of his head. "She was called... The Messiah 
of Sincerity."

Irony Man looked down at him, then turned away, speaking in a soft, 
consciously steady voice. "I'm assembling a Tsk Force. You're on it. Be 
ready in fifteen."

"Uhh... okay, but I should probably take a shower..."

"Twenty, then." Irony Man strode off down the hallway with measured 

Casey sighed. Fall asleep watching movies with Bad Judgment Boy *once* 
and you woke up shanghaied into something, mumble grumble... He 
groggily grumped off.


Irony Man walked out Ultimate Ninja's office. Casey followed, along 
with the rest of the Tsk Force; Cheesecake-Eater Lad, Obnoxious 
Ame.rec.a Boy, Francis Bacon Lass, Contraption Man, Anal-Retentive 
Archive Kid, and Haiku Gorilla.

"So," Casey said, walking alongside Irony Man. "Did *he* get to know 
what we're doing?"

"I told him that we're going to prevent a murder."

"Uh... are we?"

"Yes. Among other things."

"...ah." He kept up a grumbly refrain as they proceeded through the 

They reached the hangar and piled into the flight.thingee. Irony Man 
taxied them out onto the ground. The thingee.drive technology kicked in 
and sent them in a graceful arc through the clouds. Irony Man set the 
autopilot and stepped into the back.

In the rows of seats that lined the metal walls, the Legionnaires 
looked up at the armored form, who paced up and down between them. "I 
suppose that you're wondering why I've called all of you here."

"Well, yeah," said Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy. "What are we doing? Where 
are we going? By the golden needle of Betty Ross, what's our mission!?"

And Irony Man looked down at them. "To find out which one of you-- 


Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, posting this early because I need to go
somehere tonight.

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