LNH: Flame Wars Final: First Phase #1

Andrew Perron pwerdna at gmail.com
Sun May 5 22:36:22 PDT 2013

Literary Impossible and Prehistoric Productions present...

            |   ^ ^ ^ ^  FLAME  ^ ^ ^ ^ ^  WARS  ^ ^ ^ ^   |
            |  ^ ^ ^ ^ ^       ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^      ^ ^ ^ ^ ^  |
            |   FFFFFFF IIIIIII NN   NN   AAAA   LL        |
   FIRST    |   FF        III   NNN  NN  AA  AA  LL        |   NUMBER
   PHASE    |   FFFFFF    III   NNNN NN AAAAAAAA LL        |    ONE
            |   FF        III   NN NNNN AA    AA LLLLLLL   |
            |   FF      IIIIIII NN  NNN AA    AA LLLLLLL   |
            The final chapter of the Flame Wars saga begins!

                           [ June 1st, 2013 ]                           

It was a nice, sunny day at the Net.ropolis Fur Outlet... when TERROR 

"Hahahaha!" haha'd a teenage black girl. She wore a flaring, pointed 
mask and gloves with long, steel claws, along with jeans and a T-shirt. 
Standing on the display counter with a double armful of pelts, she 
proclaimed, "These ill-gotten gains will help fund our reign... OF 

A young man, about college-aged, with similar looks and a similar mask, 
sighed and held out a large cloth bag. "Really, Olivia--"

"Shut up, Tra-- TLDR!" She tossed the furs in his face. "Call me OTP, 
and nothing else! After all-- soon the whole WORLD will know me by that 
name! Mwahahaha--"

"Stop right there!" Twitter stood on the opposite counter, pointing at 
OTP, and around her, dramatically arrayed, stood Outfielder Boy, Very 
Big Boy, Kid Borlaug and the Crimson @venger-- the Legion of Net.Heroes!

"Aha! Get them--"

TLDR coughed. OTP said, "Oh. Right." She pointed at the net.heroes. 
"Let's take this outside! Don't wanna damage the merchandise!"

Twitter tilted her head. Okay, first mission as a squad leader, gotta 
know what to do when things go weird, minimizing property damage is 
good-- "...right, let's do that!"

As the heroes stepped out of the urban-shading-to-suburban outlet store 
onto the sunny side of the street, OTP shouted, "Autotune, Pummelo, 
King Crossplay! Dark Killers Squad, get 'em!"

A car parked in front of the bank unfolded into a giant robot with a 
bully's brutal grin. Someone dressed in CAPTAIN CAPITALIZE's red-and-
yellow costume flashed out of the sky and knocked the Crimson @venger 
down the street. And a young man in yellowish-green spandex stepped out 

"Dark Killers Squad, huh?" Very Big Boy stepped forward, his hair 
turning krypton-green as he grew forward to match Autotune's bulk.

"Actually," said TLDR, leaning against the building, "she wanted to 
call us the East Coast Junior Brotherhood of Net.Villains, but it turns 
out that's still trademarked."

"Argh, shut UP! Dark Killers Squad is a better name anyway!" OTP 
pointed her claws at Outfielder Boy. "You! Which do you prefer, Karkat 
and Terezi or Karkat and Jade?"

Outfielder Boy blinked, not expecting to confront Homestuck shippers 
mid-battle. But he supposed they were everywhere these days. "Well, 
actually, I prefer Karkat with John..."

OTP stared at him. Her cheeks flushed, she raised her claws, and a 
growl built in her chest until it erupted into a scream of rage. 
"rrrrRRRRAAAAAAAA-- wait, red romance or black?"

"Er, red."

"AAAAAA" She charged forward in a berserker rage, and Outfielder Boy 
dodged just in time.

Twitter stepped forward to help him, but froze in mid-step and raised 
her hands to her head in a classic expression of psychic anguish. Her 
telepathy, usually only active at a low level, was being overloaded 
with reams of complicated, rambling, redundant information. She looked 
up at TLDR and gasped, "You..."

He half-smirked, chuckling. "Yeah, me. She shanghaied me into this--" 
and here he indicated OTP-- "because of my Wall of Text."

"But--" Twitter tried to concentrate despite the mental noise-- "But 
she's so lame!"

"Yeah..." He sighed. "Yeah, she is. But, y'know. Family's family."

The Crimson @venger skidded down the pavement, her net.elemental 
Punctuation armor taking the blow. She kicked out, dislodging her 
CAPITALIZE-clad adversary, and hopped to her feet. "Blackguard! Justify 
yourself in besmirching the threads of a hero!"

King Crossplay laughed, adopting the classic fists-on-hips pose in 
midair. "My powers come from my excellent cosplay of male heroes! This 
isn't my best - it's a bit threadbare after Sig.ago Legionfest 2k12 - 
but it's more than enough to defeat you!" She swooped in with a 
powerful blow, only to be parried and forced back by a summoned 
Punctuation hammer.

Kid Borlaug eased away from the battle. Definitely not his kind of 
fights. But where was the other teenager he'd seen?

"Hey!" Kid Borlaug stiffened and slowly, unthreateningly turned around. 
There he was, fingers pointed in a gun shape, taking a step back. "Stay 
back, kid, or it'll really sting!"

KB raised his hands. "Okay! But, uh, sting?"

"Heh, yeah, it's a sort of citric acid shooty thing..."

"Oh, *pummelo*, I get it!"

"'Zactly. Pretty painful, so..."

Kid Borlaug obligingly flopped down on the sidewalk. "Why not lemon, or 
grapefruit, or, like, Kid Citrus?"

"I think that one's taken." Pummelo shook his head. "But I got my 
powers from eating an unlabeled, genetically engineered pomelo."

"Ohhh! So you decided it would help you in a Life of Crime!"

"NO!" Pummelo shouted angrily. Kid Borlaug startled back. Pummelo 
closed his eyes and took a breath. "Sorry. But no, I joined these guys 
because... I mean, it was just sitting there in a grocery store! What 
kind of world is this where corporate bastards can just *do* that? What 
if it'd given me cancer, huh? Hell, what if it *has*?"

He looked angry and scared and tired, thought Kid Borlaug. "I'm 
sorry... would you like a hug? I promise I won't, like, try to arrest 
you or anything."

"...eh, screw it, why not?"

A hug was thusly executed, strong yet brief, and a short time after was 
spent in companionable nearness.

"...*these* guys, though?"

Pummelo sighed. "OTP described 'em as 'the post-post-9/11 anarchist 

They watched as she chased after Outfielder Boy, stopping mid-chase to 
laugh maniacally.

"...she doesn't know jack shit, does she?"

"Not really!" said Kid Borlaug. "Which is why you should hook up with 

Pummelo pffft'd. "What, and use my amazing acid powers to defend the 
status quo?"

"Well, actually, it's more like, y'wanna get the big corporations to 
cut it out, right? Well, we have the guys who took down the friggin' 
President." [ See BEIGE MIDNIGHT #4 for the politics-packed conclusion 
to that selfsame story, faithful Legionnaires! - Ed. ]

"...yeah, true, but this isn't really a 'world-threatening' type'a 

Kid Borlaug shrugged. "What if someone got turned into a rampaging 
pineapple-beast and went on a rampagey rampage thru downtown? Totally 
our kind of thing!"


Very Big Boy broke away from the giant robot. He was panting and had 
several large bruises, but grinned at his foe. "So, what's your story, 

Autotune laughed, a highly synthesized rumble. ]]it is a FOOL who dares 
mock a new god of topphorti![[ He aimed a shovel hook (er, the punch - 
his robot body had neither shovels nor hooks) at Very Big Boy's 
breadbasket, but a quick dodge turned it into a glancing blow.

"Seems pretty weak for one of Flipseid's Net.Trolls!"

Autotune hissed at the slur. ]]flipseid regarded me as unworthy. but i 
shall STAMP MY WRATH upon the BLOODY FACE of this world![[ Panels 
opened on his chest, and a sonic blast rocked Very Big Boy to his knees.

The Crimson @venger frowned. She had pit her power against the 
Crossplay King's stolen might, and was coming out equal; but the mystic 
force which empowered her was draining faster than it could replenish. 
She had to end this.

She thought through the arsenal of equipment she'd collected - foes she 
vanquished seemed to randomly drop such things. Ah, yes - she'd taken a 
soul-trapping artificial ruby off that cyberlich the other day. To 
purify the gem, she'd merged it with an idyllPhone (which archangels in 
the material plane used for heavenly communication, and also to play 
Angry Birds). The resulting item was potent, but only allowed for one 
shot. She'd have to set it up perfectly...

"My word!" she said, drawing back with a careful mixture of guarded 

"Huh?" King Crossplay stopped short in midair.

"At first, I could not see it - but lo! The detail! The texture! The 
careful stitching! Truly, your outfit is a work of art!"

"Oh! Well..." She flipped her hair back, grinning. "It's, y'know, not 
my *best*..."

"Might I...?" The Crimson @venger carefully reached back. King 
Crossplay immediately took a defensive pose, but relaxed when she 
pulled out a cameraphone.

"Why, certainly!" She straightened up in midair, turning in a 
Discobolus-esque pose.

The phone flashed... and the Crimson @venger smirked at the image of 
King Crossplay, shouting in a digitally downsampled voice and banging 
on the screen.

Outfielder Boy was momentarily hidden in a storefront alcove. It was 
times like these when he wondered why he even bothered going on combat-
likely missions. Sure, he'd managed to focus his projecting telepathy 
some, but what good would that do against a physical type like...

Oh, *duh*. "Twitter!" he shouted, stepping out and focusing his mind on 
TLDR. "Strategy 37!"

"Thirty... seven?" said TLDR. He could feel a pressure on his mind, and 
turned his focus to meet it.

"Thirty-seven!?" said OTP, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah," said a voice in her ear. She turned to see Twitter cocking her 
fist back. "Y'know. Switch partners."







A sonic  BOOM  knocked OTP and Twitter over, and when the latter looked 
up, there was a college-aged woman lying on her, heaving with exertion.

Outfielder Boy glanced over, trying not to take his mind off the mental 
battle. "She looks... familiar..."

OTP took a step back. "Um... the better part of valor... something... 
Autotune get us out of here!!"

Autotune looked over from his battle, one of his chest speakers gouged 
out, armored protrusion broken and leaking Kirby Crackle. ]]but i am 
WINNING,[[ he said petulantly.


]]FINE.[[ A Bang Path opened, and they were gone.

Very Big Boy knelt on the cracked pavement. "...ow." He shrank down, 
wounds shrinking with him, lessening in intensity but still present.

Twitter checked the woman for broken bones, but she was unharmed - a 
good thing, Twitter thought, because she remembered who she was. "Sp33d 
Fr3ak, are you okay?"

The woman looked up at her and smiled vaguely. "Ss... Sandra Ellis, 

The Crimson @venger, Kid Borlaug and Pummelo came over. "But from 
whence comes your haste?" asked the first of these.

"Came... came outta nowhere... attacked college... drew it... toward 
the Legion..."

"Sandra, what?" said Very Big Boy. "What attacked?"

"That!" And she pointed to an approaching figure...

And a shadow seemed to fall over them...


Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, going to let this one stand on its 
own for now. <3

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