LNH20: Kung-Fu Holmes # 2: The Coming of Captain Corrector!
joltcity at gmail.com
Sun Mar 24 02:10:41 PDT 2013
Tom Russell presents
KUNG-FU HOLMES # 2
"The Coming of Captain Corrector"
An LNH20 story
"Well, Holmes," said Cyborg James Boswell, "I suppose that wraps up
the case of the Backgammon Murders!"
"I suppose it does," said Kung-Fu Holmes. "I'm glad I did, too.
Otherwise, it would have been quite a 'blot' on my record!"
Explain-The-Joke Lass passed them in the hall. "Because 'blot' is a
backgammon term for a checker left vulnerable on a point."
"Oh!" said Cyborg James Boswell (hereafter, Cyborg Boswell).
"Clever, Holmes, clever! You know, most people only use ten percent of
their brain. I'd say there's only ten percent that you don't use!"
"I think you're right, my superlative sycophant."
Suddenly, there was a burst of light. And from that light, stepped
forth a humourless man in a humourless costume. "That's not a thing!"
"Who are you?" cowered Cyborg Boswell.
"From the title of this story, I deduce his name is Captain
Corrector," said Kung-Fu Holmes.
"The ten-percent brain myth has been refuted countless times by
actual science," said Captain Corrector. "In fact, we use almost all
of our brain all the time."
"Well, yes, of course," said Kung-Fu Holmes. "I just didn't want
Cyborg Boswell to feel bad on account of he is a complete and utter
idiot, albeit one with an excellent taste in friends."
"Quite right, Holmes, quite right," said Cyborg Boswell.
"It is better to be corrected than to be wrong!" said Captain
Corrector. He then disappeared in a flash of light.
"What an unusual fellow!" said Cyborg Boswell. "I do say, Holmes, I
don't like the tone he took with you, but I thought you quite cool
"Well, Cyborg Boswell, you catch more flies with honey than with
Another burst of light. "That, also, is not a thing! In actuality,
vinegar will catch more flies!"
"Oh, come on," said Kung-Fu Holmes. "It's an idiom. Just a figure
"It is better to be corrected than to be wrong!" Flash of light.
Kung-Fu Holmes turned to Cyborg Boswell. "I hope he's a
"Really, Holmes? Why the deuce do you say that?"
"So I can punch him. In the face."
Burst of light.
"Don't you start," said Kung-Fu Holmes. "Punching you in the face
is definitely a thing!"
"You misunderstand, my fellow net.hero."
"I come not to correct your many unforgivable lapses in knowledge,
but to seek your assistance against a dire threat to the entire
"Well, that's more like it. What is it? An alien invasion? A
criminal mastermind? Robots?"
"No, it is far, far worse. Something so disturbing that it is
difficult for even I to speak the words."
"Speak them anyway."
"Very well. There is a thirty-four year old man somewhere in this
city. He is seemingly of sound mind and body. A responsible and hard-
working adult. Until one minute ago."
"What happened? Did he go crazy? Is he homicidal?"
"On his Facebook page, he has reposted that illegal immigrants
living in America receive Pell Grants and pay no taxes, when a simple
google search would reveal that only citizens and permanent residents,
both of whom must pay taxes, receive Pell Grants!"
WITH SUCH DIRE STAKES, OUR HEROES DARE NOT FAIL!
DON'T MISS OUR NEXT EXCITING ISSUE!
As far as I can ascertain, all of the characters featured are General
Kung-Fu Holmes created by myself, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, and that
awful Guy Ritchie movie.
Cyborg James Boswell created by myself, Alexander Boswell, and
Explain-The-Joke Lass created by Adrian McClure.
Captain Corrector created by myself. His general shtick, as
illustrated above, is to appear, say "That's not a thing", explain
what the thing is not, and then disappear with "It is better to be
corrected than to be wrong". Very stark and serious sort of fellow who
sees no middleground-- like a Mr. A of mythbusting.
Story © COPYRIGHT 2013 TOM RUSSELL
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