LNH2: Net.heroes... with Children #5: "Amazing Disgrace”

[Martin Phipps]

Net.heroes... with Children #5: "Amazing Disgrace”

2017.  The future.  Deja Dude’s home in Upstate Con.net.icut.

  “So what’s this TV show that you asked me to come over and watch?”
Rob asked.
  “The Amazing Race,” Deja Dude replied.
  “The reality show on CBS?” Rob scoffed.  “No thanks.”
  “But this season on the Amazing Race features 11 teams of two…”
  “Don’t they all?”
  “And every time consists of the Doctor and a companion.”
  “Eleven doctors?”
  “Yep.”
  “And eleven nurses?”
  “No,” Deja Dude explained.  “The Doctor from the BBC series Doctor
Who.”
  “Oh, okay,” Rob said, “but, wait, if he’s THE Doctor then how can
there be eleven of him.”
  “Well, first of all he’s a time traveler…”
  “Okay…”
  “And second of all he’s able to regenerate so each incarnation of
the Doctor looks different.”
  “Oh, okay,” Rob said, “so when does it start.”
  “At 9:00.”
  “It IS 9:00.”
  “It’s 8:59,” Deja Dude said.  “So it’ll start after the next
commercial.”
  Sure enough, Phil Keoghan soon appeared to introduce Season 30 of
the Amazing Race: the Eleven Doctors.  The eleven doctors and their
companions Susan Foreman, James Robert "Jamie" McCrimmon, Josephine
"Jo" Grant, Sarah Jane Smith, Tegan Jovanka, Peri Brown, Dorothy,
Grace Holloway, Rose Tyler,  Martha Jones and Amelia Jessica "Amy"
Pond, respectively, were introduced.
  “Your first clue is placed on your backpack in front of your
TARDIS,” Phil said.  “When I say “Go” you will begin a race around the
known universe!”  Phil raised his hand.  “Ready… set… GO!”
  The eleven teams rushed to pick up their clues and they all read it
together.  “Make your way by TARDIS to The Citadel of the Time Lords
on Gallifrey where you will find your next clue.”  The eleven teams
all got into their TARDISes.
  “Wait,” Rob said.
  “What?” Deja Dude asked.
  “This is a race?”
  “Yes.”
  “But those are time machines, right?”
  “Yes.”
  “So if somebody wants to win the race why don’t they simply arrive
before the person ahead of them?”
  “Well, sure, but then the last person would become the first.”
  “So how are they going to know who wins?”
  “Oh, well,” Deja Dude said, “I’m sure they would have a way to
determine the winner.  In any case, the Doctor, in every single
incarnation, is a standup guy and would no doubt concede victory to
whichever Doctor actually deserved to win.”
  The eleven teams went through a series of tasks on Gallifrey.  Soon
they came to the final task which, upon its completion, allowed the
leading team to read the final clue: “Make your way on foot to the pit
stop, the Eye of Harmony.”
  “The Eye of Harmony is an artificial black hole created by the Time
Lords to provide energy for their home world of Gallifrey and their
time travel technology,” Phil explained and is the pit stop for this
leg of the race.  The last team to check in here… may be eliminated!”
  Suddenly, out of nowhere, a death ray obliterated Phil.  A robot in
the shape of a salt shaker with what looked like a massive joy stick
sticking out of its head wheeled forward.
  “CORRECTION!” the Dalek said.  “THE LAST TEAM TO CHECK IN HERE WILL
BE… EXTERMINATED!”
  “THEY WILL BE EXTERMINATED!” another Dalek said.
  “THEY WILL ALL BE EXTERMINATED!” several Daleks all chanted
together.
  Deja Dude switched off the TV.
  “What are you doing?”
  “We need to save them.”
  “What are you talking about?”
  “They are walking into a trap!”
  “Um… excuse me but this show is taped, isn’t it?  It’s not live.”
  “So?”
  “So it has already happened.”
  “What’s already happened?”
  “They’re all dead already!”
  “No!” Deja Dude said.  “As far as we know we already went back in
time and saved them.”
  “What?  That’s nuts!  How do we go back in time and save them?”
   “With our own TARDIS!”
   “What?  We have a TARDIS?”
  “Of course!  Come on, let’s go!”
  They went to the garage.
  “Okay,” Rob said.  “You’ve got a TARDIS.”
  “Yep.”
  “You’ve always had a TARDIS?”
  “Yep.”
  “So how come you didn’t rescue Sarc and I went we were lost in
time?”
  “I didn’t think you wanted to be rescued.  You guys were having too
much… fun.”
  “Well, yeah, but… still.”
  Deja Dude cringed.  “Okay, I admit it: it’s lazy writing but I have
to go back to work on Monday so let’s just go with it.”
  “Fair enough,” Rob said.  “Let’s go!”
  Deja Dude and Master Blaster entered the TARDIS.
  “Wow,” Rob said, “it’s bigger on the inside than on the outside.”
  Deja Dude nodded.  “They say after a few years a husband starts
talking just like his wife.”
  “What do you mean?”
  “Nevermind.  I need to enter the co-ordinates for the Eye of Harmony
on Gallifrey and we need to get there before any of the Doctors
arrive.”
   “Can we save Phil too?”
  “No,” Deja Dude said.  “We saw Phil die so that means it’s already
happened and we can’t change that.  But we may be able to save the
Doctors.”
  “Alright then!” Rob said.  “Let’s go!”
  Deja Dude activated his TARDIS and they arrived at the Eye of
Harmony on Gallifrey exactly as Deja Dude had planned.
  “Okay,” Deja Dude said.  “We need to do this quickly while we have
the element of surprise!”
  “I’ve got it!” Rob said.  With a thought, Master Blaster was able to
make a BIG GUN appear.
  Deja Dude opened the doors to the TARDIS.  “NOW!”
  Master Blaster aimed his BIG GUN at the group of Daleks and opened
fire.  His BIG GUN laid waste to all the Daleks who none-the-less
continued to chant until they finally shut down.
  “THEY WILL ALL BE EX… TER… MIN… A… TE…”
  Deja Dude and Master Blaster left their TARDIS to examine the Daleks
and make sure they were all destroyed.  Just then, the teams of
Doctors started to file in.
  “Um, what do we do?” Rob asked.  “I mean, with Phil dead.”
  “Right,” Deja Dude said.  “Stand next to me on the mat and say
‘Welcome to Gallifrey’”
  “Okay.”
  The first team of Doctors and companions walked up to the mat and
Master Blaster said  “Welcome to Gallifrey” as Deja Dude had told him
to.
  “Who are you?” the Doctor asked.
  “I’m Deja Dude and this is Master Blaster.”
  “Hi!” Rob said.
  “What’s going on?” his companion asked.
  “Oh, it’s okay,” Deja Dude said.  “Phil, um, couldn’t be here so,
um, he asked me to fill in.”
  “Is that true?” the Doctor said.
  “Well,” Rob said.  “Phil is… kind of unavailable.”
  “Right!” Deja Dude said.  “And as the first team to arrive you win…
one million dollars!”
  “What?” the Doctor and his companion said together.
  “That’s right!” Rob said.  “You won the race!  The whole race!  It’s
over!”
  “But Phil said there would be eleven legs including two non-
elimination legs!” the Doctor’s companion asked.
  “Yeah, well,” Deja Dude said, “change of plans!  So
congratulations!  You are the winner of the very first Amazing Race
around the universe!”
   “Wait?  This is it?” the Doctor’s companion complained.  “This is a
trip around the universe?!”
   “Never mind him,” the Doctor told his companion.  “I can take you
where ever you want to go in my TARDIS and to any time!”
  “Yeah!” Deja Dude said.  “Plus you get one million dollars!”
  “Um,” Rob said, “where are we going to get one million dollars?”
  Deja Dude rolled his eyes.  “CBS is going to give them one million
dollars.  Seriously.  I don’t think they’ll be able to get another
host so soon to replace Phil, especially given the way Phil died.  I
don’t think many people would want to take the risk.  Nor would CBS
want to pay out life insurance for another host.  I expect they’ll
just cut their losses.”
  The Doctor’s eyes widened.  “Wait!  Phil is dead!”  That’s when he
noticed all the destroyed Daleks behind the mat.  “Oh dear!”
  “This guy catches on fast,” Rob said.
  Deja Dude nodded.  “I see you’ve also picked up Sarcastic Lad’s
speech patterns.”
  The other Doctors and companions made their way in.  The other
companions all complained about not getting a chance to win the one
million dollars so the first ten Doctors to arrive all agreed to split
the one million dollars ten ways with only the last team to not get
any money, seeing as how they were going to be eliminated anyway.
  Deja Dude and Master Blaster went back into their TARDIS to return
home.
  “I just realized,” Rob said, “that we missed seeing ourselves on
TV.”
  “No, we didn’t,” Deja Dude said.  “We have a time machine,
remember?  I’m entering co-ordinates for the living room and we can
watch ourselves save the day as soon as the commercial break is over!”
  “Cool!”
 
THE END