LNH: Another LNH Title? Really? #1 -- 'The Ultimate Ninja's Cape!'
arspitzer at earthlink.net
Fri Mar 1 09:02:55 PST 2013
[Cover: Large Bold Letters on the Side -- 'Because No One Demanded It
-- The Ultimate Ninja Gets a Cape!!' The Ultimate Ninja stands
majestically on the cover with a cape flowing in the wind behind him.
Two freaked out cops shoot at him. A thought balloon hangs above one of
the cops with the words, 'This scene isn't in this issue -- which is a
The Looniverse (Classic Flavor) --
The Loonivearth --
The Loonited States of America --
The Legion of Net.Heroes Headquarters --
The Lobby --
The Desk --
The Chair Next to the Desk --
The Time -- Now! (Unless you're reading it later -- Then Not Now!)
There was a man sitting at a desk. A man who was a receptionist. A man
named Fred. He was the receptionist for the elite group of super heroes
called the Legion of Net.Heroes -- the greatest heroes in the Looniverse
(at least that's what it says in one of their brochures). And he was
reading a magazine. It was the latest issue of 'Receptionists Reading
Magazines Weekly'. And he was mesmerized by an article in it entitled
-- 'The Top Ten most comfortable chairs for reading magazines'. And
then something broke his concentration. It was a whistle.
Fred had been a receptionist for years and had honed his ignoring
everything around him skills to their highest levels, but try as he may
-- he could not ignore this whistling. There was something wrong about
it. Like it was whistling that came from someone that shouldn't really
be whistling. Finally, he lowered his magazine enough so he could see
who was whistling.
No, thought Fred as he saw who was making annoying noise. It can't be!
But it was.
It was his boss. The leader of the LNH. The one and only Ultimate
Ninja. The master of every martial art and fighting technique. And he
was whistling. Whistling!
And there was something else wrong. What was it? Something different.
And then he realized what it was.
"UN? That thing around you -- around your neck," said a horrified Fred,
"It's -- it's...!"
"Yes," said the Ultimate Ninja with a serene look in his eyes, "It's a
A N O T H E R L N H T I T L E ?
R E A L L Y ? # 1
'The Ultimate Ninja's Cape!'
"Is this some kind of midlife crisis thing? UN?" said the chief LNH
cook and long time friend to the Ultimate Ninja -- the Man who can eat
any cheesecake -- Any cheesecake! He was the man known as Cheesecake
Eater Lad. And he had concern in his eyes.
"I'm fine," said the Ultimate Ninja lightly brushing his cape with his
fingers. "Never been better."
"But this -- this cape," said Cheesecake Eater Lad, "Why? It makes no
sense! Aren't you worried about how this will affect your fighting...?"
The Ultimate Ninja shook his head. "I fight even better with the cape.
It's just a cape. Batman has a cape."
"Batman?" said Cheesecake Eater Lad blinking his eyes. "Batman's not real!"
"Ultie, Ultie, Ultie -- Sweetie," said the long time LNH'r Catalyst Lass
gently touching the Ultimate Ninja's arm, "Why don't you just look in a
mirror for a bit. Just a bit. Take a deep breath. And just think to
yourself -- Is this what I really what? Is it?"
The Ultimate Ninja resisting her abilities glared back at her. "This is
what I want. I've never wanted anything more!"
Sarcastic Lad looked at the Ultimate Ninja and thought about saying
something and then muttered to himself, "Nah, too easy. Too easy,"
before leaving the lobby.
"Hell, yes!" said Bad Judgment Boy giving the Ultimate Ninja the thumbs
up. "Finally read my suggestions in the suggestion box about how you
should wear a cape. Looking good! Now all you need is a headband!"
"Umm. It's just a cape," said Fearless Leader, the LNH's second in
command, sipping his mug of coffee. "Shouldn't we be dealing with more
"No!!!!!! Can't handle this!!!! Can't!!!!!" screamed
Lad with his fingers pressed firmly against his temples. "The Ultimate
Ninja is Ruined!! Ruined Forever!!!!!" And then he passed out from
Ultimate Ninja Wearing a Cape poisoning.
"Okay. That's Enough," said the Ultimate Ninja gripping his Ginsu
Katana tightly. "I'm wearing this cape. That's it. End of Discussion.
And I don't care if everyone hates it. I don't. If you can't deal
with this -- then tough. This is the way it is now. I'm wearing a
cape. The cape stays!"
And someone began to cackle. An evil sort of cackle. A mysterious
figure stepped from the shadows -- dressed in a black costume. In the
center of the costume was a white circle. And within that circle was a
picture of the Ultimate Ninja. An Ultimate Ninja wearing a cape.
"You never thought this day would happen -- did you, LNH?" said the
mysterious costumed man. "Maybe in your worst nightmares you dreamed of
this day. Maybe you thought something like this could only happen in
some Elsewhirl -- like an Elsewhirl called, 'What If the Ultimate Ninja
Wore a Cape?' Something like that. But this is not a dream. No. This
is not an Elsewhirl! No Imaginary Story! Or Hoax!! This is Real.
This is Completely Real. This is The Realest Thing Ever!! Yes!! This
is in Continuity!! Completely Canon!! This is Actually Happening!!
Look, LNH! Look at the Ultimate Ninja!! He's wearing a cape! A
cape!!! And there is nothing you can do about it!!!!!!"
"NO!!!!!" shrieked Coward Lad running from the lobby as fast as he
could. Coward Lad had had more than his fair share of Ultimate Ninja
wearing a Cape nightmares and wasn't about to relive another one.
"Okay," said the Ultimate Ninja. "I don't know who this idiot is, but
I'm not wearing this cape because I'm under mind control. I'm doing
this because I want to wear a cape. I want to wear a cape. Capes are
"Hahah!! Yes!! Capes are cool!!" laughed the mysterious figure. "You
see, LNH? He's totally under my power. My power -- to make him wear a
cape!! And no matter how hard he tries -- no matter how hard -- he
can't break free. No. He can't break free from -- Dr.
"Where villains like Dr. Killfile, Acton Lord, Tsar Chasm, Hex Luthor,
and others failed to get the Ultimate Ninja to wear a cape..."
"Actually," said Nit-Pick Lad, "I don't think any of those guys ever
actually tried to..."
"...I have succeeded!!" laughed Dr.
Can-Make-The-Ultimate-Ninja-Wear-a-Cape. "It has been a long journey
here. I have toiled long hours for this day. I who mastered the purest
science. The Science of Making-The-Ultimate-Ninja-Wear-a-Cape-ology!!!
Now the fruits of my work has blossomed and..."
"That's not how that works..." said Organic Lass.
"...And I have won! And there is nothing you can do about it, LNH. No.
Somewhere right now a child is being born. And this child will never
know a day -- never know a single day when the Ultimate Ninja doesn't
wear a cape. Every single day for the rest of this child's life will be
days of a cape wearing Ultimate Ninja. And this will be true for all
children born today and every day afterwards. This is the beginning.
The beginning of the Age. The Ultimate Ninja Wears a Cape Age!! And
this Age won't end. It will keep going and going and going. People
will soon forget that there was ever an age where the Ultimate Ninja
didn't wear a cape. Yes. Stars will be born and die -- and the
Ultimate Ninja will wear a cape. Galaxies will be born and die -- and
the Ultimate Ninja will wear a cape!
"The Looniverse will not end in a Bang. It will not end in a Whimper.
No. It will end with the Ultimate Ninja -- Wearing a Cape!! This is
the Future, LNH!!! The Future!!! And you can't stop it!! No. No!!!
You can't!!!! This is the day The Mighty LNH finally loses! And the day
where Dr. Can-Make-The-Ultimate-Ninja-Wear-a-Cape finally wins!! This
is the Day!! This is the Day!!! And there is nothing you can do.
"NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!" roared Knife Fight Dude as he rushed towards Dr.
Can-Make-The-Ultimate-Ninja-Wear-a-Cape tackling him to the ground. And
then he plunged his big ass knife several times into the body of Dr.
Can-Make-The-Ultimate-Ninja-Wear-a-Cape. Eventually a couple of LNH'rs
dragged a bloody Knife Fight Dude off of the corpse of Dr.
The Ultimate Ninja looked at the corpse of Dr.
Can-Make-The-Ultimate-Ninja-Wear-a-Cape. And then at his cape -- and
then back again at the corpse. And using his ninja cape throwing
abilities -- he threw the cape into the nearest wastebasket.
And then he looked at his fellow LNH'rs. "We are never ever going to
speak about this again. Ever."
*** *** *** ***
Fred the Receptionist -- Ken Schmidt
Ultimate Ninja -- wReam
Cheesecake Eater Lad -- Matthew Jotham Millheiser.
Catalyst Lass -- Elisabeth Riba
Sarcastic Lad -- The Saint
Fearless Leader -- Dave Van Domelen
Organic Lass -- Rebecca Drayer
Nit-Pick Lad -- ????
Coward Lad -- Tom Russell
Bad Judgment Boy,
Lad, Knife Fight Dude, and Dr. Can-Make-The-Ultimate-Ninja-Wear-a-Cape
-- Arthur Spitzer
And lo there was another LNH Title.
Would've probably just made this another LNH vII issue, but since Andrew
has a multi-part story going there and I wasn't sure if there was an
issue 510 for LNHCP or if someone was reserving that issue because
Adrian wrote 510.5. Regardless, I decided to create this new title.
Anyone can write for this series, although I would ask that you only
write self-contained stories for this title.
I don't know if anyone has ever described the Ultimate Ninja as wearing
a cape before, but I always assumed he went capeless. Doesn't really
seem like something he'd wear.
Arthur "No Cape" Spitzer
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