LNH/NTB: Legion of Net.Heroes Volume 2 #55: Satan Wants His Spine Back!

Scott Eiler seiler at eilertech.com
Fri Jun 28 20:04:56 PDT 2013

Continued from SW10:  Superhuman World 2012 Annual:  Satan Wants His 
Spine Back!


Brad Pitt got an alarm in his ceremony room in Pittsburgh.  He went 
through his mystic portals to investigate.  In his ritual pentacle were 
a young-looking man and a zombie dog.

Brad said, "You realize you only land here if you're from a Devil.  And 
devil stuff doesn't get out of here."

The intruder replied, "Correctamundo!  I'm *totally* a devil dude.  But 
the dog, not so much.  He's got *something* non-devil inside him."  The 
zombie dog sniffed past the pentacle.  The pentacle dissolved.  "Now, 
let's talk...  So you're really Brad Pitt *and* you're the the guardian 
of the gateway?  Cool!"

"Well, thank you for respect.  I greet you also.  But you were not 
summoned.  What brings you here?"

"I gotta admit, I was sent.  I'm supposed to bring back a devil spine." 
  The dude looked down.  "Dude!  You really keep all your ritual spines 
right here?"

"Just this one.  It seemed a special place to cordon off that Devil thing."

"Well, *I* got a special place for it!"  Before Brad Pitt could respond, 
the intruder dropped his trousers and stuffed the spine up his 
hindquarters!  "So sayeth Devil Ass Boy!"

Brad gaped.  "... Sir.  Whatever the capabilities of your ass.  You 
realize you have violated hospitality.  And good taste.  There will be 

"Oh, I was *waiting* to hear that...  INVICTUS!"  Dozens more people 
appeared in the pentacle.

Brad said, "My scriptwriters are away from here.  So insert your own 
statement about our resolve being strong."  Outside the pentacle, dozens 
more Brad Pitts entered the ritual chamber.  "You have now entered 
Pittsburgh.  The power place of Pitts.  *And* this is Pennsylvania. 
Don't make me call Sean Penn."

Devil Ass Boy said, "Enough!  PAXIS!"  The intruders sat down.  "Masters 
Pitt!  We throw ourselves upon your mercy!"

"What!?  Mercy?  *No.*  You simply *may not* come here.  And your little 
dog too."  The zombie dog was standing on two legs and had put on a 
jacket and sunglasses.

"Master Pitt, I beg to differ.  By the rules of your world, intruders 
are *welcome* provided we resemble a superhero team!  Indeed, *even now* 
you're welcoming new teams from beyond!  Am I right?"

Brad Pitt thought of the current Flame War crisis.  "I suppose."

"Thank you.  Then please permit me to introduce these new fighters for 
*goodness*, the Devil Legion!"

"Err, barely feasible thus far."  Brad Pitt knew how to speak like mages 
and scientists, at least like the ones in the movies.  "But you *did* 
say you were *sent*.  You may *not* return to your senders with anything 
from here.  Especially not your captured spine, for it is ours now fairly."

"Fine!  Our world sucks anyway!  And $#@! our senders!"

Brad Pitt shrugged.  "Very well.  I welcome you to Net.ropolis."

"Well, all right!"  Devil Ass Boy and his companions spread out.

"No.  This is Pittsburgh.  I said *Net.ropolis*."  The Devil Legion 

The Brad Pitts sighed together.  Their leader Brad Pitt said, "They'll 
be confined to that city.  Most of the Net.Trenchcoat Brigade is there. 
  They and the LNH can deal with them."


Later in Pittsburgh, the Net.news headlines said, "Legion of Net.Heroes 
In Conference Over Flame War Threat!  Devil Legion Keeps Net.ropolis Safe!"

Brad Pitt shrugged.  "Yeah, that's how the LNH *usually* deals with 
things...  At least they're still confined to Net.ropolis.  I wonder how 
long they'll be confined to being fighters for goodness?"


Author's Notes:

I have tried to research this story but not overthink it.  If I've 
missed something important from the continuity, I apologize.  But oh well.

It is my pleasure to leave the Looniverse with something.  This is not 
*strictly* the sort of thing Andrew P. was inviting with his Flame Wars 
challenge, but oh well.  The Devil Legion comes from 2012 and the LNH is 
currently observing 2013, but I think that fits the concept of Flame 
Wars Final.  And I'm betting Net.ropolis thinks the Devil Legion is kewl.

I did research the Church of Satan.  They do have rules, and if they 
were vigilantes, they'd be a lot like the Ghost Rider.  Go figure.

Devil Ass Boy and the Devil Legion are Free For Use.  As their creator, 
I can help specify which of the Devil's body parts they *don't* have, 
and I honestly don't care what happens to them.  If they survive, my 
universe SW10 may yet try to send another vengeance squad.  But 
realistically, SW10 has shot its wad... unless they get the Wang of 
Satan to join in *and* there's some *other* LNH Cosmic Crisis that gives 
them an opening.  Heh heh.

(signed) Scott Eiler  8{D> -------- http://www.eilertech.com/ ---------

When you *are* the leader... whatever goes wrong... whether you did it
or not... *you* are held responsible. - Barack Obama

I know. - Archie Andrews

- from Archie #617, March 2011, scripted by Alex Simmons.

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