SW10: Superhuman World 2012 Annual: Satan Wants His Spine Back!

[Scott Eiler]

The Donors of Satan gathered.  Their leader plucked a monocle off his 
face, stuck a floating eye back in the empty socket underneath, and 
spoke.  "Our Master's Eye has found what happened to His Spine.  It lies 
in a pit in another world.  Captured by magic cats."

"Damned blockhead pets!"  The sorceress across the table spouted flame.

"Oh, *I* think the pets are to be *commended* for turning the tables on 
their torturer."  The sorcerer next to her leaned back in his chair and 
arched his fingers.

The leader said, "Still, Brother Iain, while we can agree the Spine's 
previous operator had it coming, Our Master requires his Spine."

"Oh, surely He has misplaced body parts before."  A second sorcerer 
spoke from a silver mouth - encased by a silver skull.

"Indeed, Brother MANIC.  The Wang of Satan usually rebuilds those.  But 
the recent superhero Raptures have scythed into the Wang's preferred 
breeding stock.  He prefers noble but corruptible.  But the Super Savior 
Rapture took much of the *corrupted* righteous, and most of the other 
righteous went with the Powernaut Rapture.  We need our *current* Spine. 
  Besides, these others have taken what is *ours*.  This cannot abide."

The one other man at the table spoke.  "Will it be cost-effective to 
retrieve it, though?  Bear in mind, our supervision is needed for world 
politics.  Even though Joe Corrigan has no successor-apparent for the 
U.S. Presidency, our lackey Trump will need considerable support in his 
own bid.  And we do yet need to ensure Ellipsis is marginalized.  Though 
he and his minions are useful for keeping the world running until Our 
Master can claim it, they should not get too much credit for same."

"Brother Russell, thank you for your insightful political analysis as 
always, though your own grudges against Ellipsis are noted.  But I am 
*confident* we can spare the power while we remain to lead.  Our 
conclave has almost *one hundred* junior members to represent the *less* 
gloried parts of Satan.  I already have one volunteer to lead the 
mission.  We can reinforce him at need.  We shall drown that Earth in 
Satan's own flame if need be!"

The sorceress spoke again, "Uh, *I* have the flame.  And one of the 
*best* of us got *wasted* by *whatever* was down that hole he got sucked 
into.  How is cannon fodder gonna help?"

"Simple, my dear Sister Lucy.  Brother Brady was a trespasser where he 
went, and did not know the protocols there.  My Eye has seen those now. 
  This time, the Master's minions prevail."

Brother Russell said, "Could you perhaps share the details, Brother Auge?"

"Oh, I suppose...  The first rule is, the powers of that realm name 
themselves as in old comic books.  Something Boy, or Something Lass, 
along those lines.  Our minions will each name themselves along the 
lines of Devil Body Part Kid this time.

"Secondly, Brother Brady aroused the wrath of something called Miracle 
Pets by his acts of animal sacrifice to Our Lord.  Our minions will not 
so attact their wrath."

The sorceress Lucy said, "Oh, like Miracle Pets *won't* put their wrath 
on what they want."

"Sister Lucy, do you have a *constructive* suggestion along those lines?"

"Oh, I can construct...  I know a lot about pets.  There was this one 
dog when I was growing up.  It's dead now, of course..."

"Would you care to share *more* with us?"

"I'll share *everything you want* about that damn dog!  I've got its 
bones at home!  I dug them up!  It gave me closure before I left town! 
I'll bring them here and raise the beast for you right now!"  Lucy 
gestured.  A box appeared.

Brother Russell said, "She's going off again..."

"No, Brother, she has a point."  Brother Auge gestured.  "For total 
success against all possible obstacles, we should send our *own* Miracle 
Pet.  The Eye has revealed, each Miracle Pet is named after a vegetable 
and a holiday.  Sister Lucy, have you a suggestion?"

"Richthofen the Stupid Miracle Beagle!"

"You realize, Richthofen is not a vegetable and Stupid is not *yet* a 
holiday."

"Okay, how about Stupid the Richthofen's Birthday Beagle?"

Brother Russell asked, "What is it with you about the Barons von 
Richthofen?"

"This damned dog always perched on his doghouse like a dogfighter!  Like 
that World War One Red Baron!"

Brother Auge spoke.  "Passion is *good* for the naming.  Sister Lucy, 
you have the naming privilege.  What vegetable do you choose?"

"Brussels sprouts!  No!  Lima beans!  Those were the stupidest!"

"So be it.  We shall raise this beast *together* as Limabean the 
Richthofen's Birthday Miracle Beagle!"

Brother Iain asked, "Uh, does anyone here *know* what the most famous 
Richthofen's birthday actually is?"

"Of course.  May 2."

"Thank you for your encyclopedic knowledge, Brother MANIC."  Brother 
Auge continued, "So let it be!"

The mages gestured.  The beast arose.

"Excellent.  Summon the Buttocks of Satan."

---

To Be Continued - in LNH/NTB: Legion of Net.Heroes Volume 2 #55: Satan 
Wants His Spine Back!

---

Author's Notes:

This is now published with a possibility of "collaborating" on the 
sequel just by posting it for review on the LNH author group, and 
thereby making yet another crappy claim in yet another RACC High Concept 
Challenge!  But I do have to admit, I've been preparing this story for a 
while.

Why yes, Peanuts comics of the 1950s and 1960s are *in continuity* for 
this world!  Or something much like them, anyway.  This explains Lucy 
the Pyro, as well as the beast she's raising.  Others have also appeared 
in stories:  Linus as the Scrollerkin in 2004 
(http://www.eilertech.com/stories/2004/demonseed.htm), Chas Brown for 
the Ministry of Speed in 2010 
(http://www.eilertech.com/stories/2010/neworbit.htm).  Much of the 
credit for this goes to a Peanuts-based play I once saw, "Dog Sees God". 
  http://www.eilertech.com/domination/blog/blog16.htm#4oct2008

This story wraps up some unfinished business from the RACC-Con Special 
story, "Who Killed the Cat With Glasses?"  As an LNH story it concluded 
cleanly - remarkably so by Legion standards.  But the LNH universe now 
has something which belongs to my own storyline, SW10 or Superhuman 
World 2012 (by the time of the story).  I'd be happy to let the property 
rest there, but not all my characters feel that way.

References:

-  The Fall of the Spine of Satan:  RACC-Con Special, Who Killed the Cat 
with Glasses?  http://wil.alambre.ca/racc/archive/read/1039/.

-  The Super-Savior Rapture: The Day of the Rapture. 
http://www.eilertech.com/stories/2011/rapture.txt

-  The Powernaut Rapture:  Powernaut 2011. 
http://www.eilertech.com/stories/powernaut/2011.htm

-  President Trump:  Time Bounce 2014. 
http://www.eilertech.com/stories/2011/2014.txt

(signed) Scott Eiler, 22 June 2013.

-- 

When you *are* the leader... whatever goes wrong... whether you did it
or not... *you* are held responsible. - Barack Obama

I know. - Archie Andrews

- from Archie #617, March 2011, scripted by Alex Simmons.