RACCCafe: Absurd Writer Abuse

Andrew Perron pwerdna at gmail.com
Thu Jun 13 20:40:37 PDT 2013

"EEEEEYEHAHAHA!" Weirdo Boy rampaged through the RACCCafe.

"Who?" said Example-Character Lad, ducking as pineapples and pangolins flew
through the air (the latter on wings, the former on jet engines).

"One of Andrew Perron's original writer characters from when he was
thirteen, representing the chaotic, emotional half of his psyche," said
Hans Kartoffelkopf. "An appropriately juvenile binary, if you ask me."

"First, Isn't he like *thirty* now?" asked Mouse, dodging a flying
froppuchino. "Second, hasn't he used this guy, like, twice?"

"Indeed," said Fearless Leader, stroking his chin. "But have you noticed?
None of the other thirty-seven characters or so who represent aspects of
Andrew's mind are here."

"It's-- *huff!* It's true!" said Casey von Aluminumfoil, leaning on the
door frame. "No Kids Enthusiastic, no Ununnilium Stranger, no Kid

"...and no Library Lad!" said FL, standing up dramatically and having
several tomatoes plow into his face for his troubles. "Blagh pleh! Ahem.
Ladies, gentlemen, people of non-binary gender - the logical, orderly half
of Andrew Perron's mind... has been *kidnapped*!"

There were gasps all around the cafe. (Except for
Hates-It-When-People-Post-on-RACC Lad, who was cackling gleefully and
trying to figure out if he could use this to get rid of Scott Eiler and
Arthur Spitzer.) "What do we do?" said Liefeld's Porpoise, locking and

"Split up! We'll search the cafe if we have to check in each and every

Every single person in the cafe zoomed out into the hallways that it
suddenly had, except for Egyptian god Thoth, who was tending bar,
Cheeezarr, who was waiting tables, and Weirdo Boy, who was furiously
reciting clerihews at them.

Thoth sighed. "Just one of those millennia, I suppose."

Meanwhile, in a secret room, hidden behind a door with a sign on it that
said "Covers of Pop Songs Done By Seven Year Olds Storage Unit"...

Library Lad moaned. "Got to... answer the phones... put in orders... no
vacation for the first year... pick up in two rings... ohhhhh..." He was
sweating and thrashing, bound to an odd structure of geometric shapes made
of spiral-y phone wire.

A cloaked and hooded figure cackled. "I, the Mystery Villain, have found a
way to torment one of the Writers! I have used this Writer Character's link
to redouble the stress from a problem the Writer is already having! And in
isolation from his other half, there's no way he can balance out the

"You know," panted Library Lad, "for a place with no continuity, there sure
are a lot of references to past RACCCafe stories in this."

"Shush, you!"


Just reading old RACCCafe stories and decided to blow off some steam by
literalizing my recent work troubles.

Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, seriously, they only give you five sick

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