GC: Correspondence From the Goddess #18: A String of Mental Expletives
mrnelson007 at gmail.com
mrnelson007 at gmail.com
Fri Jul 26 22:15:59 PDT 2013
And we're back. A very hectic time in my life for multiple reasons, but I'm doing my best to meet my commitments! So here's another letter for everyone. As always, you can find it all at http://goddesscorrespondence.tumblr.com if you're so inclined.
It’s such a shame. Lydia has so much potential. So much good could be done if she was able to harness her abilities and use them well. Unfortunately, she seems scared to use them most of the time, and the times she has, it hasn’t been for anything good. I try to do what I can, but I find myself less and less capable of expressing interest in her petty concerns. She has a bigger destiny than these mortal trifles, but she refuses to see it. Rather than growing up, she just wants to wallow in her self-pity and expects the rest of us to tell her it’s okay and she hasn’t done anything wrong. I for one am tired of it.
So Elana and I had a talk earlier. She thinks I need to stop being so bitchy all the time. I thought I was doing better, honestly. I guess she doesn’t think so. That’s a shame, I really was trying. Or maybe I just told myself I was trying so that I could feel better about just ignoring her. Well, anyway, I’m sure she’s right. I’ll try to be more positive from now on. Sorry, everyone.
So I want you all to do me a favor, okay? If I start to act like a stupid whiny bitch, point it out to me. I’m sure it will probably just make me angry again, but that will still help. If I don’t know I’m doing it I’ll never be able to improve. As bad as I am about it I’m sure it will take a while, but I’ll never get better without your help. So, thanks in advance, and I apologize if I wind up yelling at you over it.
Anyway, on to business.
Now I had a dilemma on my hands. On the one hand, I knew Elana was right. I really needed to just leave them alone. It was never that easy, though. I’m still not sure why I was so determined to work with them. Part of it was that I wanted to prove myself as someone who was capable of making these sorts of decisions on her own. I’m sure I mentioned that part before. But I know it was more than that. I wanted to work with them because I wanted to find out more about myself. I had hoped that by helping them, I could come to understand what it was that was happening to me. Fat lot of good that did, but at the time I didn’t have any better ideas. Hell, I still don’t. But even then, maybe it was something else that overrode my better judgement. Maybe I thought I was just too smart for them. Who knows?
So it was an obvious choice, even if it was one I didn’t want to admit. They were my only real lead, and I needed to know. More than anything else in my sad and pathetic life up until then, I needed to know what was going on and why I could do things no one else could.
Naturally, that became even more of an issue the next time I started to get a headache.
I had dealt with them before, and I knew how they worked. Generally, the headache meant my energy had built up for too long, and I needed to go let it out. So I decided to lift some weights.
Elana had surprised me with the set of weights for my birthday, which was awesome. If I needed to burn off some steam, I could just go lift a few hundred pounds rather than trying to sprint. That way I could still watch TV while I burnt up my energy reserves.
So I went to my room and I picked up the whole set. All the weight we had at once, under the theory that more weight would translate into more energy used up and therefore fewer reps. It was surprisingly sound logic, coming from me. I carried it out to the living room, turning on the TV and getting to work.
I was an hour into my movie when I realized it wasn’t getting any better. I had been standing here and doing reps - are they called reps? That sounds right - nonstop but I didn’t feel tired. Well, that part was normal. But I didn’t feel like I’d gotten anywhere, which was less so. All that energy was still just sitting there, not going away like it was supposed to. Fuck! Now what do I do?
I needed to find something to deal with that before it became any worse, but I didn’t know what else I could do. Hm. Maybe this is an actual headache, rather than, like, an energy one? Well, it couldn’t hurt to try, anyway. I headed over to the bathroom and dug out some medicine again.
It occurred to me then that my last major headache had been the source of all this. And I had taken these pills and then my life went upside down. You know what, maybe I’ll pass… With a frown, I put the pills back away, not wanting to take that chance. I was a big girl, and hey, maybe my superhuman powers had superhuman pain tolerance too. This was a decent time to find out, at any rate.
This time I was going to outsmart my brain. I tried to take a nap before, but I had waited so long that it hurt too much to do anything. So this time I would go and lie down now, and when I woke up, I would obviously feel so much better than before.
The first thing I did when I woke up was scream. If I had super pain tolerance, then I was terrified to think of what this would have felt like otherwise. But it was more than just the pain. The fire had hurt worse than this. That wasn’t the problem. The problem was that my head just felt… well, swollen. Like a balloon, with all that energy throbbing under the surface.
Panicking, I sprinted back to the bathroom to take a look. Thankfully, in spite of the throbbing still ongoing in my skull, my head itself seemed perfectly normal. That might sound like a funny reaction to you, but keep in mind that I was already doing one impossible thing after another. My head suddenly changing size would not even have set off my “weird shit" alarm at this point in my life.
Relieved, I stumbled out to the kitchen to get myself something to drink. Maybe some water will clear my head… I opened the cupboard, looking up at the glasses sitting there. Man, bottom shelf is empty. Going up on my toes, I tried to reach, but no luck. Dammit I wish I could get them from do-FUCK!
I was too surprised to speed myself up or anything else. I did the only thing I could think to do at the time. I screamed and covered my arms as dishes rained down from above. They slid off the shelves, smashing to the ground around me and shattering. Actually, no, it was more than that. It seemed like more, anyway. More like something was yanking them down. I’m not an expert here, but I really think something was pulling them. And considering the next bits that happened, that actually made more sense. Fuckdammitowfuckingsonofacockingcuntfuck!
My string of mental expletives continued unabated as I cowered. It couldn’t have lasted more than 30 seconds. We only have so many glasses, after all. But it certainly felt like longer than that. Once it was over, I looked up, rubbing my bruised arms and looking at the broken glass and shattered plates around me.
Fuck, Elana is going to kill me.
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