GC: Correspondence From the Goddess #17: Good Vibrations

[mrnelson007 at gmail.com]

Here we are again. My life is hectic right now, but I'm still here.  As always, the story is at http://goddesscorrespondence.tumblr.com and updates every Monday!



It’s a little reassuring to hear Lydia talk about her mistakes like that. She can’t run from the sins of the past forever, and letting them out will make it easier for her to move on. Plus, knowing how difficult it was to make things right and worrying about if she still failed will motivate her not to make that mistake again. Breaking something as beautiful and perfect as the universe is a tragedy. She needs to remember that so that she never does something so stupid again.

- Elana

orry again for last time. I know I just sort of dropped the ball there. Still, I actually feel better now. Getting that off my chest has really helped. I mean, I still feel awful about not being sure, but at least I can have some peace knowing that I’m not holding that from you guys anymore. I would say something like “go ahead and hate me now" but most of you already do anyway so it’s not like you need my fucking permission.

So instead, I’m just going to ask a question. It’s been on my mind for a while, and I think I mentioned it a little before. Do you believe in fate? Predestination, a path for your life, whatever the hell you want to call it.

My initial answer is to say no. Obviously not. That’s a bunch of stupid shit that only hippies believe. Obviously everyone’s destiny is No, no. Destiny is a terrible word because that implies that you still have a set path. I don’t think anyone does.

Or at least I didn’t. I still don’t really now, but I guess I’m more open to the possibility. Mostly in terms of all of these powers. I can’t help but wonder if I’m God. I mean, you know, the God, the one who created the entire universe, if you believe that sort of thing. I mean, technically I can time travel and stuff, right? And I already did sort of create the universe again. Fuck, not even sort of, that’s exactly what I did. I rebuilt everything from nothing. So who’s to say I didn’t create it the first time? Maybe this is a perpetual cycle where I’m predestined to create the universe in order to allow for my own existence or something.

And now I’m getting a headache. Fucking time travel.

Anyway. It’s something to think about, but I suppose I’ll find out eventually if it is true. Of course, the worst part of about being infinite is that it could be a really fucking long time before I get around to that, but I suppose patience is something I need to work on. A lot.

So back to what happened before I waste another week.

I knew the jig was up before I even got home. We were there in that gym most of the day. Hell, they even bought pizza so we didn’t have to stop for lunch. So, by the time I was getting home it was almost 7. Which meant Elana had been home for a good three hours. And there wasn’t any way I was going to get out of this by saying I went for a run. I never did that during the day. I always went at night, when no one was going to be there to see me doing my cheetah impression. Because secrecy is important. Which is why I turned around and did it right in the middle of the fucking mall while they were testing me. You know. Secrecy.

I stood outside the apartment for a few minutes, steeling myself for the inevitable on the other side. Elana would be waiting. But I couldn’t put it off forever, so I may as well just get it over with, right?

And so I unlocked the door and stepped inside. As expected, Elana was standing right there, glaring at me, arms crossed. “Christ, El, how do you always know when I’m coming?"

“You should listen to yourself walk sometime. You’re like an elephant going up and down stairs."

Damn these boots! I blushed a little at her chastising, shaking my head. “Well, you know, I like to make an entrance, right? Anyway, what’s with you? You’re so grumpy. You should smile more, sis. Looks better on you."

“Oh, like you’re one to talk, Lydia." Elana shook her head, stepping aside enough to let me in. Still, she didn’t even move her arms, glaring at me as I walked in. “And where exactly have you been all this time anyway?"

“What do you care? I’m an adult, I can do what I want. Christ, you’re as bad as mom was, at least dad let me do things."

“Don’t you even talk about her like that." Elana glared, balling her hands into fists as she looked at me. “She was just looking out for you and keeping you in line. Not our fault you liked to run off and get in trouble."

“I was, what, 6?! I just wanted to go out and have an adventure! Come on already." I huffed, shaking my head. “Whatever. I’m done with this conversation. Go babysit someone else." Shoving past her, I marched off toward my room, my good mood already ruined. Figures. One quick conversation and I feel lousy again.

“Hold on!" I stopped and turned around, looking back at Elana, who nodded. “Okay, I just wanted to know what you were up to. That’s all. I’m just worried about you. You’ve been so different lately…" Her eyes showed the sadness behind them, and I sighed, shoulders slumping slightly.

“Oh, El… I’m fine, okay? Really. I’m just a little stressed out, that’s all. Everything that’s going on… it’s so hard to wrap my head around. I don’t understand any of it."

Elana nodded, stepping closer to me. She stood there for a minute, and then she reached out, wrapping her arms around me gently. “I know you’re having a hard time. This is really overwhelming for any human to handle. I don’t think it would be easy for anyone, no matter how prepared they were."

I sighed, leaning against her shoulder and sniffling a little. I was never one to let my emotions out into the open, but it was hard not to now. With her holding me like that, I just felt a wave of emotion hit me and I couldn’t contain it any more.

She held me like that for a few minutes while the tears flowed. I’m not really sure how long it was, but it felt like a lifetime worth of emotions pouring out. When it finished, I stepped sniffled a couple times, wiping at my eye and smiling at her. “Thanks, sis…"

“Of course. But could you at least tell me what you were doing?" Elana reached up, running a hand through my hair and giving me a smile. “I mean, there must be something you’re worried about, or you wouldn’t be so shy about it. But I’m your sister, and you can tell me."

It was hard to say no to that smile. She always knew just what to say to soften me up, and this was no exception. I nodded, blushing as I looked over at her. “Well, uh, something like that, yeah. I mean, I was-"

“Hold on, let me guess. You went and talked with those two again, didn’t you? Albert and Rachel?"

I was still blushing, giving a nod. I couldn’t bring myself to say anything, as embarrassed as I was.

“Why!? Why would you go and do something like that!?" Elana was angry now, and I looked down. I hated making her upset. She only ever got mad when I deserved it, and that made me feel that much worse. “I told you to stay away from them! Why won’t you listen to me?"

“Well, I mean, I need to be able to make my own decisions you know? I’m an adult and it’s my life." My voice was quiet, and I wasn’t even able to look at her, staring at the floor instead.

“Yes, but this is the wrong decision! Out of all of the decisions you could have made, this is the worst one! Now they don’t just think they know what you can do. Now they know it, for sure! You have no idea what they want or why!"

“I know, I know! But hell, maybe this is something I can actually use. I don’t want to get in fights or anything. I’m not really the heroic type. Not going to go jump in a burning building to save Fluffy the wonder kitten or whatever the fuck. But if I’m going to have to run around in circles or something, I may as well do that in a way that helps people."

“But how is this even going to help people? They don’t want to help you."

“How do you know?" Now I was getting angry, and a little defensive. She was probably right. Deep down, I knew she was. She always was. But I didn’t like hearing about yet another bad decision, and I balked at it. “Maybe they really do want to help people, you don’t know. Fuck, they’re a pharma company. Helping people is their entire business model. If they’re alive they can keep buying more dick pills."

“I don’t know. I just worry about them." Elana sighed, calming down a little. “You really need to stay away from them. They’re bad news. Can’t you feel it?"

“The fuck do you mean feel it? You’re such a hippie sometimes." I shook my head, although I couldn’t help but laugh. “No, I can’t ‘feel’ it."

“Oh, well…" She blushed at that, kind of an odd reaction for her. She almost never blushed, so it stood out in my head. “I just thought maybe that was some other power you have, that’s all."

“Well, I don’t. I just run fast and lift things. And… don’t really get hurt much, apparently. I’m just really tough. Physical things. Nothing else."

“Oh. Well, it’s just a vibe I get, that’s all." She was still blushing, apparently self-conscious about her mistake. “Anyway, just don’t go talking to them. They’re bad news. Please?"

I sighed. “I’ll think about it."

- Lydia