LNH: Legion of Net.Heroes Volume 2 #53: "Kid Enthusiastic Ruins the LNH Forever!"
pwerdna at gmail.com
Mon Feb 25 07:41:00 PST 2013
| |-| \ #53
| |-|  / 'Kid Enthusiastic Ruins The LNH
| | |  egion of \ Forever!'
| | | __     / (Part of High Concept Challenge #35)
| | | [___][ \et.__eroes \
| | | \ ] [ __ ] / Written by and copyright
| |-|     \ Andrew Perron, 2013
| | [ The cover shows Kid Enthusiastic ripping apart a copy of The
| | Might Of Capt'n Quaalude #52. In a spiky speech bubble, he says,
| | "I'm coming for YOUR comics next!" ]
[A Silver Age-style roster of characters in the form of a series of mug
shots in little circles runs down the side of the title page:]
Roll call for this issue:
o Kid Enthusiastic! Preteen scientific wonder with an eternally sunny
disposition and way too much energy!
o Footnote Girl! 19th-century schoolgirl with the power to create
o Masterplan Lad! Posthuman protector of time and space!
"Man," said Kid Enthusiastic, "after we found out how the Actual Very
First Case of the LNH went down[*], I want to visit some of those
[* - see LNH v2 #50, true believers! - Footnote Girl]
"Hey, Footnote Girl!" waved Kid E. "You want to come with?"
"Oh! Sure." Petina tossed the footnote over her shoulder.
"Kid Enthusiastic... you know I'm standing right here." Masterplan Lad
crossed his arms.
"Oh hi! Did you want to come too?"
"No!" He put his hands on his hips. "I'm going to stop you from causing
damage to the timeline!"
"What?" Kid Enthusiastic flailed like a Muppet! "Oh come on! I may be
eleven but I know enough about temporal mechanics to--"
"This issue is titled 'Kid Enthusiastic Ruins The LNH Forever!'!"
"...well, I'm sure it'll all work out in the end!"
Masterplan Lad posed dramatically with his umbrella. "I'm sorry, but I
can't take that chance. Even though the Knights Temporal no longer
exist, it is my duty to defend the timestream of the Looniverse.
History must be protected, and you can't just go gallivanting around
Masterplan Lad suddenly realized he was talking to thin air.
"You know, I'm reasonably certain that was a bad idea," said Footnote
"So why..." *pant* "...are you still following me?" panted Kid E.
She shrugged. "Half of me wants to minimize collateral damage, half
wants to see the fireworks."
"Good answer!" He leapt, punching the air, and flew thru the open
doorway into the LNH Plot Device Room, making a perfect three-point
landing before skidding on the Banana Peel of Destiny and crashing into
a rack of Stuff, which, naturally, buried him.
"Oh <expletive appropriate for a character whose roots lie in 19th-
century school adventure>!" Footnote Girl dug frantically at the pile
of Stuff before Kid E popped out, completely unharmed and holding a
pair of armbands.
"Here we go!" he said, putting them on.
"What are those?" FG said, looking askance at the fashion accessories.
"The Bands of Timeslide! As you know, in many works of fiction that
maintain a coherent cast of characters for long enough (such as the
universe we live in), there's a sliding timescale that adjusts for the
fact that the amount of time that's passed since the work began in the
real world isn't the same amount of time that's passed in-story. These
bands allow one to use that effect as a way of traveling in time -
essentially, instead of traveling into the past, you can bring the past
Footnote Girl reached up and pulled the Goggles of Extraneous
Exposition off Kid Enthusiastic's face. "Okay, so how do they work?"
"Hmmmm... looks like you tweak this knob to pick an event in LNH
history... Beige Midnight... Retcon Hour... the Valentine's Day Ball...
that time Carmen Sanfrancisco stole the LNHQ... the day Cheesecake-Eater
Lad served pop-rocks-and-coke flavor... Anything-You-Can-Do-I-Can-Do-
Better Lad's bar mitzvah... Young Americans..."
"Right, sorry.... Here we go! Shortly Before The Cosmic Plot Device
Caper!" He raised the bands in the air dramatically.
"WAIT!" Masterplan Lad skidded in, covered in honey and feathers.
"Um, you've got a little..."
"Never mind that!" He pointed at the bands. "If you use those to bring
the founding LNHers into the year of this story's publication--"
"Yes, that-- you'll sap them of their powers that are based on the
early Internet and 1990s comics fandom!"
Kid E's eyes widened. "Oh <expletive appropriate for a character whose
roots lie in anime and post-Dark Age comics, which I guess would just
be 'crap' or something>! Get 'em off get 'em off!"
"Okay, yes, let me just--"
"But first, get this open box of Sneezing Powder That Works Even On
Cosmic Beings out of my hand!"
Masterplan Lad squinted. He sniffed. His face screwed up, he took a
deep breath, and...
"Haaaaa-CHOO!" CLANGG! His fingers slipped, the bands crashed together,
and there was a violent burst of light...
When it cleared, they were still in the Plot Device Room of the LNHQ,
but the rack of Stuff had hopped back up on the wall, and was filled
with unfamiliar items.
Masterplan Lad blinked, clearing his eyes. He looked up... "The Push-
Button Doomsday Weapon? The VW Scarab? The amulet of the Feminine
Mystic? Oh, no..."
"Hey," said Kid Enthusiastic, "I think maybe you tweaked the knob a
little-- why are those plot devices going all shimmery?"
"That's the effect of time catching up with us!" said Masterplan Lad.
"Fifty years of time, to be precise! Look!"
They looked out the open doorway into the hall. There were net.heroes
there, wearing long beards, psychedelic clothing, and symbols of love
and peace - and they were shimmering, changing...
"These are backstory characters, created specifically to be tied to
this one time period! Dragging them into the present shouldn't even be
possible, but you've done it!"
Footnote Girl held the band up to her face. The indicator above the
knob just read "1963". "Oh, no..."
"You've RUINED THE LEGION OF NET.HIPPIES FOREVER!"
TO BE CONTINUED...
Author's Note: Oddly enough, this issue started with an image that
didn't make it in: the characters meeting the pre-CPDC LNH, where
members were popping in and out of existence all the time, as later
writers changed things to fit the needs of later stories. I'll give
that one up to whoever wants it.
Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, jumpin' jet age!
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