LNHY: The Way-Cool Adventures of Dr. Cool J Dog! #2 -- ' The Bones of Dr. Cool J Dog'
arspitzer at earthlink.net
Wed Feb 6 15:46:53 PST 2013
Previously: Dr. Cool J Dog made it his mission in life to show people
how much cooler they could be if they read and wrote LNHY stories saving
many souls from incredibly lame lives. Sadly during a plane ride to the
2007 Raccies -- he was attacked and killed by -- Killer Ninja Gorillas!
'The Bones of Dr. Cool J Dog'
The Dr. Cool J Dog Memorial Cemetery --
"Is that it? Is this the right one?" said Sally shining her flashlight
at her friend's head. In her other hand was a shovel.
"Yeah," said Billy pointing his flashlight at the tombstone. A
tombstone made out of a gigantic diamond. The Tombstone read:
'Dr. Cool J Dog
"Way too Cool for This World
and Every World. Word."'
"Should we be doing this?" said Sally with a worried look on her face.
She looked around to see if it was clear.
"Chickening out?" said Billy with a laugh. "We got to do this. We got
to dig Dr. Cool J Dog's bones out of there. We got to! Then grind them
up. Grind them into a fine white powder. Grind them! And then..." An
insane grin lit up Billy's face. "And then snort it! Snort it! Snort
it all!!! Yeah!!! It's going to be the Sweetest High! The Ultimate
High!! I got it off the internet! And when we do it," said Billy
looking straight into Sally's eyes, "We're going to be as cool as Dr.
Cool J Dog ever was. We're going to be the coolest kids in the --
"Yeah!" said Sally whose concern seemed to utterly disappear. The only
emotion in her eye's now was hunger. A hunger for those bones. Bones
that would make her the coolest girl in the entire Looniverse when she
snorted them. "Dig 'em! Dig em' up!!"
And the two kids began to unearth the grave.
After an hour or so they had reached the coffin. The solid platinum
coffin. Billy wiped some sweat off of his brow and then wiped off some
dirt off the casket's top with his hand.
"Break it! Break it open!" said Sally with manic glee in her voice.
Billy cackled as he used his crowbar to pry the casket open. "Hell Yeah!!"
And there he was. Dr. Cool J Dog lying peacefully in his coffin wearing
his trenchcoat, gold chains, cool sunglasses, and his tenor sax.
Strange, thought Billy, Shouldn't he be a skeleton by now? He wasn't
even a rotting corpse. He was perfectly preserved. Damn, thought
Billy, Was he going to have to buy some acid to dissolve the flesh from
the bones? That sucked!
Perfectly preserved. Too perfect. Billy slowly guided his hand towards
Dr. Cool J Dog's muzzle. His fingers got closer and closer and then...
....Dr. Cool J Dog's eyes opened right up!
Billy jolted back. His heart began to race. Sally let out a loud screech.
"Hey there, kids!" said Dr. Cool J Dog as he rose from his coffin.
"Robbing people's graves -- that's not cool! Especially robbing famous
celebrity graves! Not cool!" Dr. Cool J Dog dusted some of the dirt
off of his clothes.
"You're alive!" said Billy and Sally in shock.
"Yeah," said Dr. Cool J Dog. "And grinding up the bones of a famous
celebrity and snorting it? Definitely not cool! Well unless you're
famous celebrity like myself. I remember being at this party at Hef's
where I snorted the bones of James Dean. It was pretty awesome. But
for non-famous people like yourself," Dr. Cool J Dog shook his head.
"Definitely not. Big no-no.
"Remember kids, you don't need to snort the bones of some famous dead
celebrity like myself to be cool. There are other ways. Plenty of
ways. Like for instant this," said Dr. Cool J Dog taking a web link out
of his trenchcoat. "Like reading this here new webcomic called *ahem*
'Ripping Off King Arthur' by Arthur 'Still Too Damn Cool For A Nickname'
Spitzer. You'll be the coolest kids in school when you read this
webcomic. And even though the art for this webcomic isn't that great --
and the jokes aren't that funny and -- well just trust me -- people who
read 'Ripping Off Whatever it's called' are the coolest people. Yeah.
"Wow," said Sally, "God brought you back to life -- to shill some stupid
"Yep," nodded Dr. Cool J Dog and then he glanced at the time on his
watch. "Well, my work here is done. Got to catch up on a whole lot of
coke and whores. See you, kids. Oh, and remember to read that --
whatever that webcomic was that I said. Yeah. Be cool."
Billy and Sally waved goodbye to Dr. Cool J Dog having learned a
valuable life lesson. Be famous. Be a celebrity. Hell Yeah!
Dr. Cool J Dog is a Arthur Spitzer creation.
I had no plans to ever bring Dr. Cool J Dog back to life, but then this
idea popped into my head -- and I knew I had no choice but to do it. So
there it is. :)
Febrary 7, 2013 -- Tomorrow!
Arthur "Still Shameless..." Spitzer
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