LNH/REPOST: LNH Comics Presents #303: Infinite Leadership Crisis Part 268
pwerdna at gmail.com
Tue Dec 24 01:45:09 PST 2013
(Okay, so I just realized I messed up my calculations on both which issue
it would be and which day of April it would be. Fixing!)
April 268th, 2007.
In a bedroom in a sizable family apartment in reasonably nice part of the
McCluresville neighborhood in the Zeroth City of the Loonited States,
A lumpy pile of blankets laid on the bed. At five minutes to eight, the
dulcet tones of Barenaked Ladies floated through the air. Like a mythical
sea beast, an arm emerged from the cozy depths of the blanketpile, catching
the alarm clock in its grip and pulling it back into the warm darkness.
The comfortable mountain shuddered tectonically and collapsed in a great
eruption of yawning young man. Casey von Aluminumfoil rose, scratching
himself under the arm and peering blearily out the window. Yep - the chill
of early spring was still in place. This *would* be Christmas Eve, if April
hadn't been going for eight and a half times its normal length.
He blearily trudged to the shower. The hot water made him feel a bit more
human (or a bit more mutant, anyway). As he was pulling his pants on, his
phone rang. Oh, it was Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad. He was easy to talk to
- much more relaxed than most members of the Legion.
"Hey, Pete. What's up?" Casey blinked, then stuck a finger in his ear. "Er,
sorry, my connection's on the blink - I thought you said I was the leader
of the LNH!"
__ __ __ __ __
| | | \| | | | | | # 303
| | | | | |_| | INFINITE LEADERSHIP CRISIS
| |_ | |\ | | _ | PART TWO HUNDRED
| || | \ | | | | | AND SIXTY EIGHT
| || | | | | | | |
|____||_| |_| |__| |__| CASEY VON ALUMINUMFOIL
____ ____ __ __ __ ____ ____
| \ / \ | \/ | | | | \ | | BY
| ___\ | __ || | |__| | ___\| __| ANDREW
| | | | | || | | | __ | | \ \ PERRON
| | | | | || | | | | | | | \ \
| |___ | |__| || | | | | | | |___ __\ \
| / | || | | | | | | /| | (C) 2013
|____/ |______||_|\/|_| |__| |____/ |_____|
_____ _____ ___ _____ ___ __ __ _____ _____
| || || || || || \| || || |
| _ || _ || || || || || || |
| |_| || |_| || || || || || || |
| || || || || || || || |
| ___|| / | __|| ___|| __|| |\ ||_ _|| ___|
| | | || \ ||__ \ \ ||__ | | \ | | | \ \
| | | || || __| \ \ | __|| | \ | | | \ \
| | | || |||__ __\ \ ||__ | | || | | ___\ \
|_| |_||__||___||_____||___||_| | |_| |______|
Half an hour later, Casey was sitting uncomfortably in the big chair in
Ultimate Ninja's office. His parents were on a couch on one side of the
room, and Fourth Wall Lass was on the other.
"It's perfectly safe," said Fourth Wall Lass. "But at the end of the day,
he'll be gone until the end of April - and we still don't know how long
that's going to take."
His mom sucked air through her teeth and looked over at him. "It's your
Casey rubbed the four-dimensional office toy that some other leader had
left behind. He chewed on his lip. "I dunno. I think I have to - I mean,"
and here he clenched his hands, "that's what I'm here for. To help!" He
looked into their worried faces. "Besides, y'know... they might figure out
what the problem is today. Succeed where the other two-fifty-one have
failed!" He smiled with strained enthusiasm.
His parents looked at each other, and his dad leaned over and squeezed his
hand. "Good luck, Casey."
"Give 'em hell!" his mom shouted as they left.
Casey ran his fingers through his hair and gave a deep sigh. "Okay. So who
do we have left?"
Fourth Wall Lass took out a printout of the current roster. "We're down to
less than half strength, including almost all of the popular characters.
We've been calling in reserve members, substitutes, and the Legion of
Pet.Heroes." She handed him the printout.
"Hrm. Okay." Casey riffled through it, trying to look thoughtful. "I assume
the search for the answer to all this is running by itself."
"With what few research-capable members we have left. I've been trying to
help, following up leads, but I can't use my full powers on it, so I'm
running secretarial duties."
Casey nodded. He didn't ask whether it was because her powers had recently
been boosted to dangerous, sanity-risking levels by the Rung of Revamp, or
because the Writers said so. In the end, it came to the same thing. "Right.
So what's going on *right now* that the leader of the LNH has to take care
She opened the door. Outside was a jolly fat man with a big white beard in
a red coat. He waved politely. She closed it again. "Santa Claus."
Casey opened his mouth. He raised a finger. He closed his mouth. He lowered
his finger. "...okay, so Santa Claus. Very good." He waved a hand. "Show in
Fourth Wall Lass chuckled. "Yes, sir." She disappeared out, and through the
door stepped Merry Old St. Nick.
"So, Santa," said Casey, sitting up straight and steepling his fingers. "Or
should I call you Mr. Kringle?"
"Whichever of those is the more comfortable for you, Casey," Santa said,
taking Fourth Wall Lass's chair. "I must say, you don't seem too surprised
to see me."
"Yes, heh, well. You're not the first person who turned out to be less
fictional than I thought." Casey scratched the back of his neck. "Though I
am surprised that you look just like the guy from the claymation specials.
I'd have expected St. Nicholas to be, y'know, Turkish."
"Sharp thinking! In fact, that's why I needed to talk to the leader of the
LNH - one of the few people cleared to know the secret of my organization."
"Your... organization? Like... the elves?"
Santa shook his head. "No. No, I speak of the great and august legion in
whose name I work. The Seven Hundred Secret Santas!"
"DUN DUN DUNNNNN!"
"...thank you, Sing-Along Lass," said Casey. S-AL bowed and left the room.
"So what you're saying is, there are seven hundred Santa Clauses?"
"Actually, right at the moment there's seven hundred and twenty-seven.
Every archetype, you see, that exists in the minds of children, from Pere
Noel to Sinterklaas. And that's the problem."
Casey blinked. "Er... I'm afraid I don't quite understand. You have...
too... many?" He wished he was a bit better at pretending to know what was
Santa smiled at him. That made him feel curiously better - but there was
melancholy at the edges of those old eyes. "The number is not the problem;
the problem is... one."
Suddenly it clicked. "Oh... it's *everything* that exists in the minds of
Santa nodded, a heavy sadness settling around his shoulders. "The children
for whom Santa means bitterness, means pulling the belt even tighter, means
that your mother won't let you see your father or your father resents you
for having to spend money on presents that you didn't even want. The
bringer of stress and fear and pain. Edgar Sorrow."
Casey sucked air through his teeth. "Awesome. But it's not Christmas... but
you're going to tell me that that's also the problem."
"Very sharp indeed. Yes, that's the trick - the great battle to hold back
Edgar Sorrow takes place at Christmas."
"You wouldn't think you'd have time for that, with all of the flying around
and giving gifts."
"Ah, but the gifts and the battle are one and the same, you see? We are
creatures of emotion and happenstance, and we, the seven hundred and
twenty-seven, try to bend minds and events towards moments of singular joy
that cannot be diminished, whereas Edgar Sorrow rages, clawing at the
consciousness of those he can reach, trying to draw them into the darkness
from which no joy can be seen. You understand?"
"I... think so?" Casey scratched his scalp. This was getting heady.
"But it doesn't work the same way in April. And his power has been growing,
building, seeking release as it does every year. We began a ritual at
midnight on the International Date Line to hold him back, but it won't hold
forever. Casey..." Santa leaned over the desk, hand clenched. "We have to
Casey took a deep breath. He pushed away from the desk (knocking over a
stack of LNH Dice) and stood up. "You can count on the Legion of
Casey looked around the table. He'd assembled every specialist in magic and
ritual that he could find and brought them together in hopes of stopping
this threat to children everywhere.
...unfortunately, this amounted to precisely four people - two LNHers, a
specialist they'd called in, and a kiwi. Explain-the-Joke Lass was also
there, but only long enough to note that she could not be, as references to
LNH20 would be anachronistic at this point in meta-continuity, before
poofing in a cloud of transdimensional silliness.
Casey heaved a deep sigh. If only Mala was still here. But she'd been
picked back in what would have been August, and he had to work with what he
"The thing is," said Library Lad, pulling books about Christmas folkore out
of his sack and adding them to the already towering pile, "there isn't much
out there that directly mentions Edgar Sorrow. He's not really the kind of
thing people like to celebrate."
"I've only heard the name in whispers," said Trevor Blount, the Shoeceror,
tapping his chin thoughtfully with a pointy elf boot. "Bad juju - able to
channel the worst of not just your past, but everyone's who's ever believed
"This 'Christmas'," said the Crimson @venger. "It is a solstice festival,
"Kiwi!" said Gertrude the Kiwi.
He could feel a headache coming on, he was sure of it. "Yes, Carmine."
"Kiwi, kiwi kiwi," said Gertrude, tapping her foot meaningfully on a book.
"I agree," said Library Lad. "We should concentrate on what we *do* know."
"Indeed," said the Crimson @venger, fingering her amulet and leaning back.
"Conceptual beings, anthropomorphic incarnations, those who are conduits of
emotion - what is most effective 'gainst them?"
"Cutting off the supply of emotions?" guessed Casey.
"Not going to be effective here, unless we can cheer up every sad kid in
the world," said Trevor.
"Other way, then," said Library Lad, leaning in. "Overload him."
"But then t'will spill out into the psyches of children he's connected to,"
said the Crimson @venger.
"Kiwi kiwi?" said Gertrude.
"No, Gamer Boy got picked last week," said Library Lad.
They sat back, thinking furiously. Casey tapped his toes thoughtfully.
Hmmmm. "Trevor, do you know of any types of shoe that affect emotional
Trevor considered for a moment. Flexing his fingers, he formed the Sigil of
the Sundered Sole and plucked a pair of leather-and-brass boots out of the
air. "The Boots of Rhythmic Reflection. They absorb emotional energy from
the people around you - terrific for dancing to the beat."
"Kiwi!" shouted Gertrude, hopping up on the table. "Kiwi *kiwi* kiwi!"
"Really!" said Library Lad. "What's that?"
"Kiwi, kiwi kiwi. Kiwi!" She fluttered her wings. "Kiwi!"
"Y'know," said Trevor, "that's just crazy enough to work!"
"Hmmm! But how would we make such a thing happen in so short a time?"
wondered the Crimson @venger.
Casey snapped his fingers. "I know just who to call!"
A few hours later, the auditorium of the LNHQ was packed with people. Long
tables had been set up with a smorgasbord of party food, and some Christmas
classics were playing over the PA. Older ladies and gents played with small
children. Around a table in the corner, people from sixteen to sixty were
engrossed in a board game, and in the back, three old buddies were catching
Casey was just outside, talking into a cellphone. "Yeah-- yeah, Aunt
Heather, you can just come over in what you're wearing. No, don't worry,
it's not potluck. Okay, cool, see you in a minute."
Down the hall, the teleport engines hummed, and Aunt Heather appeared in
shimmering light. After a hug and an embarassing kiss on the cheek, she
joined the others.
"Whew." Casey leaned against the wall. Staring off into the shindig, he saw
his parents walking over. He waved wearily.
"Hey, Casey," said his mom. "Nice job on the family reunion!"
"Yeah," said his dad. "But you're sure everybody's gonna be safe?"
Casey stood, stretching and cracking his back. "Well, as far as we know,
Edgar Sorrow can only attack your emotions - he can't physically hurt you.
And the summoning circle Carmine's drawing could hold back a Greater Baron
of Net.Hell." He shrugged. "But..."
His dad leaned over and hugged him. "Sokay. We trust you."
His mom put her hands on her hips and smiled. "Heading in yet?"
Casey's phone started playing 'Elf's Lament'. "Just a minute - gotta take
this." His parents headed in and he answered the call. "Santa. What's up?"
"We can't hold him much longer," said Jolly St. Nick over a howling wind.
"I hope you're ready to put your plan into action!"
"Well, I was hoping to get Uncle Graham - he really lights up a party."
Casey looked into the festive auditorium. "But this should work. Let him
Thirty-five hundred miles away, Santa shouted to Santa, Santa, and all the
other Santas, "Okay, boys! It's a go!"
The festive holiday chanting ended, and the mile-wide wreath of holly shook
with rage, cracking into thousands of woody splinters as a spirit of
darkness rose up.
Casey hurried over to the clear area in the middle of the floor where the
Crimson @venger and Trevor Blount were channeling energy into a complex
circle, runes drawn in coal dust. A plate of burnt cookies and a glass of
sour milk were set in the center, along with the Boots of Rhythmic
Reflection. "It's time!" he whispered, and they nodded.
He turned to face the crowd. "Good afternoon, everybody! Hope you're
enjoying yourselves. In a bit, we'll be starting the prize raffle, but
first, for your entertainment and not-quite-holiday cheer, we present a
one-act play entitled 'The Vanquishing of Edgar Sorrow, Christmas in April
Edition'." He turned to Trevor and the @venger. "Roll it!"
The PA system switched over to 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town', played
backwards in a minor key. The two mages began singing along. Within the
circle, black smoke swirled 'round and 'round. The crowd oohed and ahhhed,
caught up in the spectacle of the moment.
A misty humanoid form began to coalesce, legs fading into view within the
boots. Then with a dramatic WHUMPH, he was there - a sickly-pale wizened
figure in a ragged coat and a moldy gray-brown beard, eyes burning like
fireplace embers. With a ravenous howl he began to devour the spoiled food.
Casey brought his hand down, and the music stopped. He raised it, and
another song began. 'Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas' - the original
Judy Garland version. With a big grin, he turned back to his audience. "Now
we need *your* help! Everybody, sing along!"
His mom piped up. "Have yourself a merry little Christmas..."
His dad joined in. "Let your heart be light..."
The family picked it up, one by one. "Next year all our troubles will be
out of sight..."
Edgar Sorrow gulped down the last of the awful cookies and glanced up. He
sniffed the air, a puzzled expression on his creased, creaking face.
Casey took up the melody. "Have yourself a merry little Christmas! Make the
yuletide gay!" He glanced to the circle. Was it working? "Next year all our
troubles will be miles away!"
The bestial anti-Santa growled. He clawed at the invisible circle that
surrounded him, long pointed fingernails striking sparks in midair. But it
Trevor and the @venger were harmonizing nicely with the crowd - he'd
briefed Carmine on the lyrics beforehand. Good. Casey focused his
telepathic powers on the circle. "Once again as in olden days, happy golden
days of yore. Faithful friends who are dear to us, will be near to us once
Edgar Sorrow howled, but it was muted, as if from far away. He grabbed the
boots, trying to tug them off, but they held, metal glowing from within. It
One last verse. Casey belted it out, a warm feeling suffusing his body.
"Some day soon, we all will be together, if the fates allow." He looked
around at his family. "Until then, we'll have to muddle through somehow!"
Edgar Sorrow's body began to crack, warm golden light pouring out of the
breaks. He threw his head back and raged, but no sound came out, only pure
"So have yourself a merry little Christmas..." Casey took a deep breath.
In a silent explosion, the figure of Edgar Sorrow shattered, and a wave of
light flooded the room, passing through the walls, out of the building, the
city, going 'round the world entire. When it cleared, he was gone, wisps of
steam all that was left.
Casey let out his breath and took a bow. The crowd broke into wild
applause! "Thank you, thank you... try the falafel... I'm gonna... sit
That night, after everyone else had been teleported back home, Casey stood
in his office. His parents, Fourth Wall Lass, the Crimson @venger, Library
Lad, Trevor and Gertrude were all there.
"I gotta say, that was a nice plan," said FWLass.
Casey waved her off. "The plan was all Gertrude's. Channeling positive
emotions through Edgar dispersed his form and sent off a wave of happiness
that, Santa tells me, touched everyone he'd been connected to."
"A bit of yuletide contentment for all," mused the Crimson @venger.
"Kiwi!" said Gertrude, hopping from foot to foot.
"Five minutes to midnight," noted Library Lad.
"Casey..." said his dad. He squeezed his hand. "Good job."
His mom ruffled his hair. "Bet you're at least in the top five leaders."
Casey smiled. "Thanks." He squeezed both their hands. "You know I'm gonna
be all right, right?"
His mom just smiled, melancholy but proud. His dad said, "Yeah, but we're
still gonna miss you."
Casey winked. "I'll be back again someday."
Author's Note: Whew! Well, I've been wanting to do ILC issues for the
Digital JUMP! crew for a while, and I've been wanting to do another
Christmas special, so! One of the fun parts of working during Infinite
April is that you've got a reduced roster, allowing you to highlight
obscure characters. Hopefully this was sappy enough for all of you. <3
Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, tidings of comfort and joy~
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