LNH/REPOST: Jong #Pi -- Rejection Part Two
arspitzer at earthlink.net
Fri Dec 13 10:54:19 PST 2013
Why Jong Pi? Originally, the whole Plum Master story was only supposed
to be one issue long, but it seemed to be taking forever to write so I
split it into two parts. This created a problem since I had already
promised that Jong #4 would be Slobbering! battling Self-Righteous
Preacher -- so ultimately I had no choice but to call this issue Jong Pi
(well I could have called it 3.5 I suppose, but not quite as funny.)
This is the issue where I finally get Jong into continuity with the rest
of the LNH. This issue is set slightly before the whole Valentines Day
Ball (LNH Triple Play #3), which I have Jeff McCoskey to thank for. I
also make a reference to the Omaha Project.
This has the first appearance of Land Lady.
Edited for the first time and I'd say it reads a whole lot better with
most of the grammar errors gone.
This would be that last Jong that I'd post while I was still in high school.
The world would have to wait till I was in college for the next issue.
From: arthur-rvelks at nova.novanet.org
Subject: JONG Pi section one
Date: 1 Apr 94 18:12:00 GMT
Some where in the infinities of space, there is a place where bad taste,
stupidity, typos, and complete inanity cross together...
This is known as the JONG Zone! Even in this wasteland of knowledge is
a place between Jong #3 and Jong #4!
That place is known
J. OOOO. N. N. GGGG. P P i
J. O. O. NN.N. G. ## PPP
J. O. O. N.NN. G.GG. #### P i
JJJ. OOOO. N. N. GGGG. ## P i
(Surgeon General's warning: Maybe fatal if you try to swallow the
following events, not to be confused with Apple Pie!)
As Slobbering! walked out of his apartment filled with super hero
pain(tm) (No! Not the type of pain that a super hero feels after a
giant robot blasts him a few thousand times with cancer giving death
rays, but the pain that a super hero feels after fighting the robot,
saving humanity, and then a police officer comes up to him and tells him
that his family and pet dog were brutally raped then killed, and then he
says to the hero, "Sorry, Buddy, but I'm afraid you're going to have to
leave! If you don't I'll have to give you a ticket for bleeding on
public property!") he put on his special 'Clark Kent' glasses (which
turn people who are around into blithering idiots who can’t tell that
the person wearing them is really a super hero)! As he did this, from
out of nowhere came an incredibly large women with a five o' clock
shadow, very big jowls, and a big cigar in her mouth! A mouth that said
"I've had five big macs and I'm still hungry." It was none other than
his most feared and most dangerous arch-villain...
Slobbering! muttered to himself, "Dang! This day just isn't going right!"
"And where do you think your sneaking off to? You little Khrushchev
kissing Pinko Punk!!!"
"Oh -- Hi, Mrs. Blachimoli! Why -- you sure look like a ray of sunshine
"Sunshine gives me gas! If you think you can trick me with another
bouncing check this time -- then you got another thing coming, Mister!
Because this time I mean to get that rent money -- you little commie
"Why Mrs. Blachimoli -- I'm shocked that you would even think such a
thing of me! I mean -- uh -- Look!! STALIN!!!" Slobbering! yelled
pointing at the wall Landlady was in front of.
"Huhh?!?" Landlady said as she looked behind herself. Before she
realized she had been tricked though Slobbering! made a dashing get away
(Actually not that dashing since he almost broke his neck tripping and
rolling down the stairs).
Slobbering! could hear ranting and raving by Landlady all the way down
"You little punk! I would throw you out of this building if I didn't
think I'd get reward money from the government when I find proof that
you're a communist spy!! You punk!!!" she screamed as he flew out of
"Pheww," Slobbering! said. "That was too close to be funny! Hmm, what
was it that I was going to do anyway?"
You were planning on becoming a phone psychic after quitting your job as
a super hero [See Jong #3]!
"Uh? Oh yeah! I knew that! Just testing you. Hmm. How would I go
about doing that?"
HOW about buying (or in your case borrowing without asking) a newspaper
"Huh? Oh yeah! I knew that -- I was just..."
SHUT up! Ok, Slobbering! found a newspaper boy..
"Man! That was quick! I didn't even move or nothing!"
I'M trying to give our readers the illusion that you were searching for
several minutes before you found one WITHOUT having to WRITE the
"Who's that Dude?" a scuzzy looking teenager, who looked more like he
should be mugging Slobbering! than selling a newspaper to him, holding a
stack of newspapers asked.
"Oh that's the writer of of this story. He's a bit grumpy!"
I AM NOT GRUMPY!!! I just wish you people (and I use the term loosely)
WOULD work with me!!!! *Sigh* I wonder if Shakespeare had these
"Hey! Don't I get to knife somebody??"
You ARE a newspaper boy! Newspaper boys do NOT KNIFE PEOPLE!!!!
"Sheesh!! Okay, how about if I roll up a newspaper and hit somebody
There will be NO knifing, rolling up newspapers, or any other activity
that will prolong this lame gag sequence! You will sell Mr. S. Grue! a
"Man. Is it just me," the newspaper boy whispered to Slobbering! as he
handed the paper to him, "Or is that guy kinda psycho?"
"I'm beginning to think so! I've even been thinking about switching
into another comic series. Something less stressful and better written.
Maybe Constellation or..."
Buy THE #$%$#%$ newspaper! Okay, when out of the newsboy's range
Slobbering! opened the paper and went to the classified section.
"Hmm. Bean Counter -- no. Half Cucumber-Half Man -- no. Not my style.
Human Refrigerator. Hmm. Ah! Here it is!! Phone Psychic wanted!!
Address 140 Useless Subplot Ave!!"
Meanwhile back at the LNHHQ...
The LNH was getting ready for the VD Ball (Umm --Valentine's Day Ball --
that is! Don't want to make this story ACRAPHOBIC!) Anyways, Catalyst
Lass assigned Foreshadowing Lad to search for Procrastination Boy.
"Hey! Procrastination Boy! You there??"
"Uh, yeah. Come in."
"Catalyst lass is wondering how the balloons are coming?"
"Balloons?? Oh yeah! The balloons! Uh, well, I was going to start on
them today -- but I have to study for this science test and I have a
English paper due tomorrow -- and a popsicle stick bridge for physics --
and scholar ship forms to fill out and -- well you know."
"So why are you reading that comic book??"
"Hmm. Oh, this? Uh," Procrastination Boy answered sheepishly. "This
-- uh -- Opinionated Lad gave it to me to read for my opinion. Uh, it's
a new title -- called Jong, I think! Opinionated Lad didn't like some
tiny details -- like the plot, characters, dialogue, concept.."
"Well, you know Opinionated Lad! He just jumps all over the most minor
things. I take it he was the one that drew mustaches all over
everyone's faces and tattoos on their foreheads?"
"Yeah! He got a little bored while reading it," Procrastination Boy
said as he sharpened a pencil. "Say you're new here aren’t you?"
"Yeah! How did ya guess??"
"Well, that sign over your neck that says 'Will guest spot for food'
kind of clued me in."
"Yeah. It's been kind of rough -- especially since the only work I've
had so far is guest starring in this lame title! How do you do it
Procrastination Boy? The fast cars and beautiful women? With just the
money you get for doing these guest spots??"
"Well, Foreshadowing. It's all in this new Time-Life series called
'Secrets to Achieving Fame and Fortune in the LNH'. The First Book
you'll receive is entitled 'Marketing and Merchandise'. It shows you
the ins and outs of LNH marketing. Why marketing action figures and
cereals off of you is a good idea. And why putting your picture on
condoms might not be such a great marketing move. The book also
includes easy to follow diagrams -- advice and anecdotes from some of
the best in the field including such mega stars as Cheese Cake Eater
Lad, Organic Lass, and yes even that mega star of mega stars Easily
Discovered Man Lite! If it's to your liking future books will follow
including: 'Guest-Spotting on Crappy Comics That Will Probably Die
Anyways', 'Angst', 'How to Profit off Death', and 'How to Shamelessly
Commercialize Like I’m Doing Now'!"
"This all sounds great! But it also sounds expensive! What does it
cost? $1 million? $2 million??"
"That's a good question! No, it won't cost you an arm and a leg! For
just $19.95 (plus shipping and handling), you'll get the first book
'Marketing and Merchandize' and if you order now you'll get a free
Ultimate Ninja Paperweight."
"A -- Free Paperweight? Cool! So, what's the number?"
"1-800-LNH-CRAP. How can you afford to pass up an opportunity in a life
"Will I get to have a paperweight made out of my head someday too??"
"Who knows. Just call that number!"
"I am! I hope I get Nancy the Time-Life Operator!!"
Back in Espanola....
"Boy, these subplots are making my head spin! Where am I? Who am I??"
said a subplot stunned Slobbering Grue! feeling around the room.
You are at 140 Useless Subplot Ave. Interviewing for a phone psychic
job! Now quit acting like an idiot!!!
"Oh, yeah! Now I remember! Hmm. Maybe I should have put on some
cleaner boxer shorts."
A short man with a mustache enters. "*Ahem*, Mr. Gruet. I've been
looking over your.."
"..Your resume leaves something to be desired. I mean you didn't even
graduate from high school (Yes Future Phone Psychic Wannabe's stay in
"Hey! But I once almost saved a universe from total destruction by a
god like alien!"
The short man rolled his eyes a little. "Were there witnesses to this
"Uh, well, I didn't say I saved it -- but I almost..!"
"Mr. Gruel. Do you..? Oh, shoot! Forgot I have a meeting I must
attend! All right -- you're hired. But only on a temporary basis!
There's the phone," he said pointing to a red phone on a desk filled
with various papers. The small man quickly rushed out of the room.
The phone rang.
The phone rang again.
And the phone rang again... WILL YOU PICK UP THE STUPID PHONE ALREADY!!!
Slobbering! picked up the phone. "Sheessh! Uh..Hello??"
"Hi! Is this the live psychic hotline??"
"Huh?? Oh..oh yeah! Uh, what would you like to ..uh..know??"
"Well, I'm having trouble with my girl..."
"Uh -- really. What does she look like??"
"Well she -- Hey!! What does it matter what she looks like..??"
"Well, I'm going to have a hard time imagining her naked in a tub of
jello if you don't -- Hello?? Hmm. Must have hung up."
(Further panels show as time passes by: Slobbering! answering the phone,
sharpening pencils, staring at the ceiling, making airplanes, staring at
the ceiling, trying to split a paper cup using mental force, staring at
"Man, I'm bored. Phone Psychitry just isn't the glamorous field they
show it on television as being. Hmm. I wonder if there's a Furrboy
Magazine or something sleazy in this desk..." Slobbering! said as he
started shuffling around in the drawers. Through the pile of papers
Slobbering! found something interesting. A letter from the makers of
Dear President of The Psychic Friends and Psychic Hair Club for Men Inc.:
We the Makers of Mister Paprika hope this new deal of ours will change
your mind into merging your fine establishment with our corporation.
Although we were quite positive that our last deal of one million
dollars would change your outlook, we can certainly understand the
emotional attachment you have to your enterprise. So we will up the
ante to two million dollars.
We hope for your sake that you comply with the deal, or else we shall
have to resort to much more persuasive measures. Oh, do not think we
are not capable either. If you have paid any attention to the news
lately, you then have already realized our strong political influence
with Congress, the President, and the Supreme Court. So we would
appreciate if you would think before making a hasty decision.
Oh yes, we have also included a booklet filled with coupons for
discounts on some of our great line of products, so enjoy.
President of The Mister Paprika Company
Slobbering! stared at the letter for awhile (literally), using his
highly serious face and looking quite profound.
"Hmm! Establishment's a very big word! What could it mean??" But
before Slobbering! could expend more thought to this dilemma, and
failing to see the foreshadowing significance of the letter, he noticed
something. "A cheeto!!" And with that Slobbering! quickly dumped the
letter carelessly into one of the stacks and started the procedure of
attempting to pry the stuck cheeto from under the desk.
Meanwhile somewhere between Alt.uquerque and Net.ropolis high in the sky...
Self-Righteous Preacher really hated traveling by air, and was only
flying on this commercial air flight because it was faster and because
he didn't really care to use one of those flight-thingies made by those
godless-atheist scientists at the LNH. *Sigh*, he thought. Things were
really going to damnation at the LNHHQ. That half cat-woman
daemon-spawned temptress was still being allowed to prance around the
LNH nearly naked leading the others to thoughts of sin! And with the
revival of the Net Patrol...!
He knew he was leaving the LNH at a time when they really needed his
spiritual aid and religious guidance. And he deeply regretted having to
leave, but he had to banish a satanic menace. Yes, it was indeed very
lucky that he had decided to attend the meeting where that demon's
chances of getting into the LNH were about to be voted on. Who knows
what would have happened if he had not attended. That foul creature
might be in LNHHQ leading more souls to their destruction right this minute!
*Sigh* he should try to relax. Maybe read the bible -- or better yet..
"Umm, young lady...!" He motioned to one of the flight stewardesses.
"Can I help you, sir?"
"Uh -- Yes! I was wondering if you might have the latest issue of
'Prayboy'? Or perhaps 'The Right Magazine'??"
"I'm sorry sir, but I don't think we carry 'those' kind of magazines!
"Nevermind!" Hmmfpt, he thought. The moral majority will certainly
have to hear about this sacrilige! The airplane industry will soon
learn the true meaning of God's power!! Why if Moses...(a really long
religious solioquy by Self-Righteous Preacher that might take a while so
lets skip to another subplot or plot)!
Meanwhile, back to the city of a thousand Burgerkings -- Espanola,
Net.Mexico somewhere at Espanola's Water Treatment Plant....
A man in a gaudy costume, halfway between that of a court jester and
something Madonna might think of wearing, giggled perpetually with an
occasionally fiendish bellow of laughter, nevertheless extremely
redundant (I bet you thought I had forgotten this guy. Never
underestimate the author of a story).
"Heheheh! They mocked me once! Heheheh!! But never again! Tomorrow,
heheheh, Espanola, heheheh, will pay!! And no one can stop me!!!! No
At that same moment elsewhere in Espanola...
As Slobbering! focused all of his energy into balancing a pencil on his
nose, the door slammed!
"Well, I'm back from my meeting! So how many customers called??"
"Huh?! Oh! Uh well -- not too many. And a lot of wrong numbers! In
fact there was this old lady who thought she called the Home Shopping
Net.work! She was commenting on our wonderful zirconium necklaces.
Man, I didn't think she'd ever get off the phone so I hung up...!"
"You -- what!!!?"
"I said I hung up. Anyways..."
"You idiot!! You hung up on a potential goldmine!!"
"Well, I didn't want to risk a big phone bill...!"
"She's the one with the big phone bill you moron!! That is how a 900
number works!! That is how we MAKE MONEY!!!!"
"Really? Gee -- now that I know that, this whole business makes a lot
more sense! Funny thing -- you know I...." before Slobbering! could
finish his sentence though, he was in mid air falling rapidly towards
"And stay out!!!" an angry phone psychic president said shaking his fist.
"Hmm. Why do I have this feeling that I didn't get the job?? Oh well,
it was kind of boring anyways, calling and stuff. *Sigh* well I'm back
to where I was. Hmm. Where was I? Let's see. What was I -- a lion
tamer? No. I don't have the right clothes. I..."
Okay another recap seeing that it will probably take five or so more
issues if I leave it up to Slobbering!'s brain power! You WERE a super
hero! You got a LETTER of rejection from the LNH! Some psycho by the
name of PLUM MASTER is running around Espanola causing havoc! You quit
being a super hero to BECOME a phone psychic! And NOW you're back on
the streets jobless again!!
"You mean that I'm responsible for this??" he said pointing to all of
the hazardous smashed plums on the streets, injured bystanders who
accidentally slipped on plums with out a soul to sue, and the many
wasted plums that could have been sent to starving deranged super
villains in Africa!
Yes, and unfortunately I would bet my LNH Writer's Guild Membership Card
(Oh yeah, BTW, when do I receive it?) that Plum Master is not finished
with his unnecessary destruction of Espanola and will probably seek a
big finale like most super villains do.
"How can I stop him though? I mean, I don't even know where to find him??"
Well most superhero's use their incredible detective skills or
scientific genius, but seeing that you're very limited in those fields
I'm going to have to start cheating by giving you hints. Like for
instance, you see those plums there, I would be quite positive that they
lead to the path of their master.
FOLLOW THE PLUMS YOU STUPID IDIOT!!!!!
"Okay, okay! No need to get all huffy and stuff! Hey, I have a great
idea! Instead of going to all of the trouble of finding and fighting
Plum Master -- why don't we just cut to another subplot and then when we
get back you can write me into a scene where I'm at the police station
smoking a nice cigar and have the police chief comment on my bravery and
cunning in catching Plum Master?"
I think not. NOW GET MOVING!!
"Okay, okay. Mean old writer!!" Slobbering! muttered as started
surveying the direction the majority of smashed plums seem to be.
After spending almost an hour's time, he eventually found a trail of
plums leading to the Espanola Water Treatment Center. In the parking
lot he could see one semi-truck filled with crates of plums, and two
more holding large tanks filled with who knows what.
"Yoo hoo!! Anybody inside!!"
I SAID CAUTIOUSLY!! Slobbering! sneaked into the gates tiptoeing towards
the metal door. After carefully inspecting the door for possible booby
traps (Yeah right. Sorry. Just amusing myself.) he pulled the door
handle and went inside.
"Hmm! Could have sworn I heard psychopathic giggling and someone
chanting, 'You are the first to go Grue!' Must have been the wind",
Slobbering! said noticing the place was deserted except for some
technical devices. "A lot of bright lights and switches. Wonder what
would happen if I were to push this big red button?" Unable to restrain
his curiosity Slobbering! pushed the big red button.
Five minutes later Slobbering! was hanging with his feet attached to a
rope and a guinea sack over his head right under a vat filled with some
"Oh my god! I'm blind!! You shall perish you fiend who gouged my eyes
out!! You will...!"
"Oh, shut up. All you have is a sack over your head! So -- you are the
infamous Slobbering Grue! The Drooling Crusader!! The Defender of
Dribble!! The Sentry of Saliva!! The...!"
"Don't forget the Man Who Once Stuffed 10,000 Marshmallows in His Mouth!"
"The Man Who -- *Ahem* Nevermind. Anyways, Mr. Grue! as you can plainly
see you are..."
"Actually, since I have a sack over my head..."
"Aaeeerrrrggg!! Do I have to do everything?! Very well," Plum Master
said as he walked over and released the sack covering Slobbering!'s
head. "Now, as I was saying as you can plainly see, you are hanging
from a vat filled with a boiling liquid! Heheheh!! You see you are
under my total will! With just one pull on the pulley -- hehehe from me
you will PLUMmet to your DEATH!!!!! HeheeheheehehehehAHHAHAHAhheheh!!!!
I've been waiting for that line for ages!!!!"
"Me thinks me missed a punchline or something," Slobbering! said while
he dangled to and fro. "Hmm. Gee -- I never knew my toenails were that
"Will you pay attention to me!!? I just said a pun and now you are
supposed to reply with some super hero vow!! Oh, why do I even bother!
Try as I may I will never be able to capture the brilliance of the old
Batman 60's TV series!! Particularly because of a dolt like you who
thinks it's funny to say that his toenails are long!!!"
"But they are! See??" Slobbering! wiggled his toenails.
"I don't CARE about your stupid toenails! *Sigh* I was a normal person
once. I could have been something in life. But because they rejected
me I'm who I am now! You see along time ago I auditioned for a part on
the Batman TV series! I was a big fan and was just starting out my
acting career, and you know what? They rejected me!!! Me of all
people!! They said I wasn't an old has-been actor! Some excuse!!
"I couldn't take the rejecting, and since there weren't talk shows like
Oprah back then, I took my pain to a grocery store! In that store, I
saw the most cruel act imaginable! A man was laughing at a piece of
fruit!! I thought about closing my eyes and just ignoring it, but I
couldn't let this horrible crime happen! So, I picked up a plum and
attacked the man. And you know what I did next? Yes! I was the one
who laughed!!! And I told myself that no one would ever laugh at a
Slobbering! had an eerie feeling that Plum Master wasn't totally sane.
"People laugh at fruit all of the time and without even thinking of the
emotional damage to the fruit!"
Slobbering! would have denied this except for the fact that he had once
laughed at an avocado. "But hey! Wait a sec! Wouldn't smashing
people's heads with plums -- hurt the plums?"
"Are you calling me a HYPOCRITE??!?!?!?!!!!! That's it!! I'm dropping
you into the vat! And I won't even tell you my evil plan!!"
"Wait! Don't you think you're being a little too hasty there?? Would a
true Batman 60's TV Show villain kill Batman without first telling him
their evil plan?"
"Dang it! You're right! Very well. You probably know a couple years
ago there was this crystal clear fad. It seemed like everything from
soda pop to syrups to liquid soaps and such were made to look crystal
clear. Anyways, I became caught up in the fad too and bought a large
amount of stock in a particular item that didn't sell too well. Anyway,
two of my partners split with as much cash as they could to Mexico
leaving me broke and bitter and with an entire warehouse of the product.
Do you see that hose right over there from that tank on the semi that
I've connected to the Espanola central water system??"
"In few minutes or so, heheheh, when I pull this valve, heheh, it will
cause 100 gallons of concentrated crystal clear prune juice to be jetted
into Espanola's water supply! Heheheheh!!"
"Oh, my god!!"
"Yep. Tomorrow morning, a whollleee lot of toilet paper's going to be
"I finally get your entire plan!" Slobbering! said comprehending the
amount of bathroom humor used in that last sentence. "While all of the
citizens of Espanola are locked up in their bathrooms -- the entire city
of Espanola will be unguarded!! Free for anyone -- who doesn't have a
regularity problem -- to LOOT without care!!!"
"Actually, I was originally just going to go home and have a really big
giggle, but now that you mention it, that idea is a far better one.
Thanks! Heheh. Hope you don't mind if I use it -- hehehheehahahh! Oh.
Looks like it's about time to turn the valve, heheh, before you die
that is, heheheh," Plum Master cackled as he climbed a ladder and made
his way over to the valve.
Slobbering! had only a few seconds to think of a brilliant plan to free
himself and stop Plum Master. "Piece of cake! Hmm. What should I do
with those other two seconds?" Slobbering! said in deep thought.
Slobbering! if I were you I'd stop worrying about what to do with those
other seconds especially since they've already passed!
"Hmm! Maybe your right! Hmm. You know now that I think of it -- this
is kind of a tough dilemma. Would you mind giving me a possible say
Eerrrghghh!! Okay. Since I didn't have the foresight for a big Death
of the Slobbering Grue! commercialism hype story line I guess I'll have
to intervene AGAIN!! Okay. See that sign right over there?
"The one that says 'Push this lever for escape'? Yeah, what about it??"
Oh. I see I probably worded it wrong. My mistake. OKAY. You can read
it again now.
"Hmm. Now it says 'Push this *^$%^#% lever so you can escape, you
*&%$#@* moron!!!' OH! Now I see! Thanks!"
Slobbering!'s time was just about up. But just as Plum Master was about
to turn the valve -- Slobbering! began to chant.
"Oh, all masters of the art! Great baseball players of the majors,
minors, and little league! Oh, all children in school about to spit a
big one at your teacher!! And all foreign diplomats trying to get a Big
Mac!!! I ask for your power and wisdom of the saliva right now
(actually this whole ritual is just for show)! Amen. It's Booka time!!!"
For a slight moment the world was quiet. Plum Master hadn't expected
any resistance and stood spellbound unsure of what to do. In the
distance there was a sound of sounds that sounded like
"KKKXXUIIKKGGGGUUUUUUUUU *hack*," or something similar to that. And out
of Slobbering!'s mouth came a liquid stream. A stream that mortal
beings might wonder what it was, and if told be sorry they asked.
The art of projecting spit as a lethal weapon is a lost art in our
civilization, taken by only a few certain individuals who took it
instead of wood shop in high-school.
However, in the dangerous jungles of the Gruelands where survival is
just another term for living and free beers aren't too likely to happen
-- it is a required class! (Although this is a moot point since most
Grue's bribe their teachers anyways.) However, a favorite quote from
the Holy Book of the Slobbering Grues is 'No spit. No free beer!' which
basically sums up the Grues reason for existence.
The stream of the saliva's path went straight towards the lever. The
lever then released the rope holding Slobbering!'s feet. And because
Slobbering! was at the time swinging to and fro, it caused Slobbering!
to fling into the air dramatically. While this was happening the stream
reflected into Plum Master's direction and knocked the wind out of him,
which is probably just as well, seeing that if he was conscious of what
was happening right now, and considering the reality that no one could
swallow all of this stupid garbage of Slobbering! escaping and such, and
if they tried they would have their entire insides blow up.
As Slobbering! reflected on the previous events with statements like,
"Whooaahh!! That was like cool or something!" and "That would have made
a cool splash page," Plum Master dizzily got up, and reached into one of
his many gaudily colored pockets. And as his hand came out so did a
deadly looking plum!
"You might think you have defeated me fool, but Plum Master always has
the last laugh!!" And with that Plum Master jumped from balcony with
the plum in his hand in a perfect dive performing an ancient assassin
technique, which if performed right can split a person's body from head
to genitals. Anyways, not a pretty sight.
Slobbering! had to think quick.
"Again?? Man! It seems like I'm having to think in every stinking
sentence and it's really wracking my brain!! Couldn't you get me a
stunt double to do all of this thinking?? Please? Pretty please?
Okay, okay. Have it your way, mean old writer!" Slobbering! muttered as
he was thinking of a way to stop Plum Master from pruning him.
And just when Plum Master was in striking distance, Slobbering! thought
of the perfect trick.
"Hey! Look!! It's Madonna!"
"Huh?! Where?" Plum Master said with an excited voice of confusion, but
it had already taken its toll in breaking Plum Master's rhythm causing
him to crash into the ground knocking him once more into unconsciousness.
"Wheww!!" Slobbering! said while tying Plum Master with a hose to
prevent Plum Master from trying to kill him again. "That was a close
one! Hmm. A siren. I will look forward to a day when people don't
fear my kind, a day when...!"
Oh shut up! You couldn't give a soliloquy filled with angst if your
life depending on it! Just get out of here before the police get you!
And with that the Slobbering Grue! left the Espanola Water Treatment
Center with the swiftness of a bird and the grace of a swan (Yeah. I'm
amusing myself again).
"Hey, you were right, Sarge! Something was happening here! Look!
That's that Plum guy isn't it??"
"Well -- I'll be! I guess we'll be getting those promotions after all!"
a man in police uniform said as he walked over to where Plum Master was
bound. "Rise and shine, buddy. You're going to take little ride. Why
-- I do believe he's PLUMB tired!"
"Hahah! That's a good one, Sarge! 'Plumb tired'! You know, you should
write for them LNH comics, Sarge!"
"Oh -- Shut up you two!!" a groggy Plum Master said getting up. "I have
been defeated for now. But -- when I get out of jail, I will get
revenge on All of *You*!! I will destroy everything from the city, to
the people, to my agent Harvey who said I should do this stupid comic
instead of the Easily Discovered Man comic -- but mainly I'll get you
Slobbering Grue! even if it's the last thing I do!!!
Hahahhehahaheehah!!!!!!!! But I am free from till then to make
villainous guest appearances in your comic especially if that comic's
named Easily Discovered Man, so if you want you can reach me at the
Net.Mexico Prison for the Crimn..."
"Enough with the commercial! You have the right to remain silent..."
By the time Slobbering! got home it was already too late for David
Letterman. Slobbering noticed the LNH rejection letter was still there
with the picture of Sheila on it.
"Oh, Sheila. Why oh why did you leave me? Or do you prefer your legion
name you use now..."
"Hahahah!! I'm a ^*&$* genius!!!!" a pimply adolescent said with
rootbeer shooting out of his nose. "This will be the greatest sub-plot
ever in the history of the LNH!! It will wreak forever havoc on all
plot lines following!! Hahahahahahah!!!!!!!"
In the black of night, a voice spoke.
"Hmm. Thought I heard something. Oh well. Better type the LNHr's name
so I can post it by tonight! God, this is going to cause havoc!"
It must never be.
"Hmm. You ever get this crazy feeling that someone else is writing a
story about you?"
The window shattered. Men with camouflaged uniforms, ski masks, and
semi-machine guns came through the window. A blaze of red-hot lead was
directed towards the teenagers chair.
"Wh-who...?" the teen said gazing at the blood on his shirt. It would
be his last word.
"We are the Blatant Censors of America. We have been assigned to
prevent any possible action that might lead to another 'Woody Scandal'!"
As the teen fell onto the floor, the combined group gathered hands and
chanted, "Long live the cause!!" With that said all but one fled the
scene. The one that remained typed two words on the story before
posting it. Afterwards, he also fled.
Self-Righteous Preacher -- wReam
Procrastination Boy is -- Unknown Writer
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