LNH/REPOST: Jong #Pi -- Rejection Part Two

Arthur Spitzer arspitzer at earthlink.net
Fri Dec 13 10:54:19 PST 2013

Why Jong Pi?  Originally, the whole Plum Master story was only supposed 
to be one issue long, but it seemed to be taking forever to write so I 
split it into two parts.  This created a problem since I had already 
promised that Jong #4 would be Slobbering! battling Self-Righteous 
Preacher -- so ultimately I had no choice but to call this issue Jong Pi 
(well I could have called it 3.5 I suppose, but not quite as funny.)

This is the issue where I finally get Jong into continuity with the rest 
of the LNH.  This issue is set slightly before the whole Valentines Day 
Ball (LNH Triple Play #3), which I have Jeff McCoskey to thank for.  I 
also make a reference to the Omaha Project.

This has the first appearance of Land Lady.

Edited for the first time and I'd say it reads a whole lot better with 
most of the grammar errors gone.

This would be that last Jong that I'd post while I was still in high school.

The world would have to wait till I was in college for the next issue.

From: arthur-rvelks at nova.novanet.org
Newsgroups: alt.comics.lnh
Subject: JONG Pi section one
Date: 1 Apr 94 18:12:00 GMT

Some where in the infinities of space, there is a place where bad taste, 
stupidity, typos, and complete inanity cross together...

This is known as the JONG Zone!  Even in this wasteland of knowledge is 
a place between Jong #3 and Jong #4!

That place is known
only as....

   JJJJJ.                                 PPP
     J.   OOOO.  N. N.  GGGG.             P  P  i
     J.   O. O.  NN.N.  G.      ##        PPP
    J.    O. O.  N.NN.  G.GG.  ####       P     i
  JJJ.    OOOO.  N. N.  GGGG.   ##        P     i

(Surgeon General's warning:  Maybe fatal if you try to swallow the 
following events, not to be confused with Apple Pie!)

As Slobbering! walked out of his apartment filled with super hero 
pain(tm) (No!  Not the type of pain that a super hero feels after a 
giant robot blasts him a few thousand times with cancer giving death 
rays, but the pain that a super hero feels after fighting the robot, 
saving humanity, and then a police officer comes up to him and tells him 
that his family and pet dog were brutally raped then killed, and then he 
says to the hero, "Sorry, Buddy, but I'm afraid you're going to have to 
leave!  If you don't I'll have to give you a ticket for bleeding on 
public property!") he put on his special 'Clark Kent' glasses (which 
turn people who are around into blithering idiots who can’t tell that 
the person wearing them is really a super hero)!  As he did this, from 
out of nowhere came an incredibly large women with a five o' clock 
shadow, very big jowls, and a big cigar in her mouth!  A mouth that said 
"I've had five big macs and I'm still hungry."  It was none other than 
his most feared and most dangerous arch-villain...


Slobbering! muttered to himself, "Dang!  This day just isn't going right!"

"And where do you think your sneaking off to?  You little Khrushchev 
kissing Pinko Punk!!!"

"Oh -- Hi, Mrs. Blachimoli!  Why -- you sure look like a ray of sunshine 

"Sunshine gives me gas!  If you think you can trick me with another 
bouncing check this time -- then you got another thing coming, Mister! 
Because this time I mean to get that rent money -- you little commie 

"Why Mrs. Blachimoli -- I'm shocked that you would even think such a 
thing of me!  I mean -- uh -- Look!!  STALIN!!!" Slobbering! yelled 
pointing at the wall Landlady was in front of.

"Huhh?!?" Landlady said as she looked behind herself.  Before she 
realized she had been tricked though Slobbering! made a dashing get away 
(Actually not that dashing since he almost broke his neck tripping and 
rolling down the stairs).

Slobbering! could hear ranting and raving by Landlady all the way down 
the stairs.

"You little punk!  I would throw you out of this building if I didn't 
think I'd get reward money from the government when I find proof that 
you're a communist spy!!  You punk!!!" she screamed as he flew out of 
the building.

"Pheww," Slobbering! said.  "That was too close to be funny!  Hmm, what 
was it that I was going to do anyway?"

You were planning on becoming a phone psychic after quitting your job as 
a super hero [See Jong #3]!

"Uh?  Oh yeah!  I knew that!  Just testing you.  Hmm.  How would I go 
about doing that?"

HOW about buying (or in your case borrowing without asking) a newspaper 
you twit!

"Huh?  Oh yeah!  I knew that -- I was just..."

SHUT up! Ok, Slobbering! found a newspaper boy..

"Man!  That was quick!  I didn't even move or nothing!"

I'M trying to give our readers the illusion that you were searching for 
several minutes before you found one WITHOUT having to WRITE the 

"Who's that Dude?" a scuzzy looking teenager, who looked more like he 
should be mugging Slobbering! than selling a newspaper to him, holding a 
stack of newspapers asked.

"Oh that's the writer of of this story.  He's a bit grumpy!"

I AM NOT GRUMPY!!!  I just wish you people (and I use the term loosely) 
WOULD work with me!!!!  *Sigh* I wonder if Shakespeare had these 
problems.  Anyways...

"Hey!  Don't I get to knife somebody??"

You ARE a newspaper boy!  Newspaper boys do NOT KNIFE PEOPLE!!!!

"Sheesh!!  Okay, how about if I roll up a newspaper and hit somebody 
hard like...?"

There will be NO knifing, rolling up newspapers, or any other activity 
that will prolong this lame gag sequence!  You will sell Mr. S. Grue! a 
*#$%*@!! paper!!

"Man.  Is it just me," the newspaper boy whispered to Slobbering! as he 
handed the paper to him, "Or is that guy kinda psycho?"

"I'm beginning to think so!  I've even been thinking about switching 
into another comic series.  Something less stressful and better written. 
  Maybe Constellation or..."

Buy THE #$%$#%$ newspaper!  Okay, when out of the newsboy's range 
Slobbering! opened the paper and went to the classified section.

"Hmm.  Bean Counter -- no.  Half Cucumber-Half Man -- no.  Not my style. 
  Human Refrigerator.  Hmm.  Ah!  Here it is!!  Phone Psychic wanted!! 
Address 140 Useless Subplot Ave!!"


Meanwhile back at the LNHHQ...

The LNH was getting ready for the VD Ball (Umm --Valentine's Day Ball -- 
that is!  Don't want to make this story ACRAPHOBIC!)  Anyways, Catalyst 
Lass assigned Foreshadowing Lad to search for Procrastination Boy.

"Hey!  Procrastination Boy!  You there??"

"Uh, yeah.  Come in."

"Catalyst lass is wondering how the balloons are coming?"

"Balloons??  Oh yeah!  The balloons!  Uh, well, I was going to start on 
them today -- but I have to study for this science test and I have a 
English paper due tomorrow -- and a popsicle stick bridge for physics -- 
and scholar ship forms to fill out and -- well you know."

"So why are you reading that comic book??"

"Hmm.  Oh, this?  Uh," Procrastination Boy answered sheepishly.  "This 
-- uh -- Opinionated Lad gave it to me to read for my opinion.  Uh, it's 
a new title -- called Jong, I think!  Opinionated Lad didn't like some 
tiny details -- like the plot, characters, dialogue, concept.."

"Well, you know Opinionated Lad!  He just jumps all over the most minor 
things.  I take it he was the one that drew mustaches all over 
everyone's faces and tattoos on their foreheads?"

"Yeah!  He got a little bored while reading it," Procrastination Boy 
said as he sharpened a pencil.  "Say you're new here aren’t you?"

"Yeah!  How did ya guess??"

"Well, that sign over your neck that says 'Will guest spot for food' 
kind of clued me in."

"Yeah.  It's been kind of rough -- especially since the only work I've 
had so far is guest starring in this lame title!  How do you do it 
Procrastination Boy?  The fast cars and beautiful women?  With just the 
money you get for doing these guest spots??"

"Well, Foreshadowing.  It's all in this new Time-Life series called 
'Secrets to Achieving Fame and Fortune in the LNH'.  The First Book 
you'll receive is entitled 'Marketing and Merchandise'.  It shows you 
the ins and outs of LNH marketing.  Why marketing action figures and 
cereals off of you is a good idea.  And why putting your picture on 
condoms might not be such a great marketing move.  The book also 
includes easy to follow diagrams -- advice and anecdotes from some of 
the best in the field including such mega stars as Cheese Cake Eater 
Lad, Organic Lass, and yes even that mega star of mega stars Easily 
Discovered Man Lite!  If it's to your liking future books will follow 
including: 'Guest-Spotting on Crappy Comics That Will Probably Die 
Anyways', 'Angst', 'How to Profit off Death', and 'How to Shamelessly 
Commercialize Like I’m Doing Now'!"

"This all sounds great!  But it also sounds expensive!  What does it 
cost?  $1 million?  $2 million??"

"That's a good question!  No, it won't cost you an arm and a leg!  For 
just $19.95 (plus shipping and handling), you'll get the first book 
'Marketing and Merchandize' and if you order now you'll get a free 
Ultimate Ninja Paperweight."

"A -- Free Paperweight?  Cool!  So, what's the number?"

"1-800-LNH-CRAP. How can you afford to pass up an opportunity in a life 

"Will I get to have a paperweight made out of my head someday too??"

"Who knows.  Just call that number!"

"I am!  I hope I get Nancy the Time-Life Operator!!"


Back in Espanola....

"Boy, these subplots are making my head spin!  Where am I?  Who am I??" 
said a subplot stunned Slobbering Grue! feeling around the room.

You are at 140 Useless Subplot Ave.  Interviewing for a phone psychic 
job!  Now quit acting like an idiot!!!

"Oh, yeah!  Now I remember!  Hmm.  Maybe I should have put on some 
cleaner boxer shorts."

A short man with a mustache enters.  "*Ahem*, Mr. Gruet. I've been 
looking over your.."

"That's Grue!"

"..Your resume leaves something to be desired.  I mean you didn't even 
graduate from high school (Yes Future Phone Psychic Wannabe's stay in 

"Hey!  But I once almost saved a universe from total destruction by a 
god like alien!"

The short man rolled his eyes a little. "Were there witnesses to this 
'supposed' saving??"

"Uh, well, I didn't say I saved it -- but I almost..!"

"Mr. Gruel.  Do you..?  Oh, shoot!  Forgot I have a meeting I must 
attend!  All right -- you're hired.  But only on a temporary basis! 
There's the phone," he said pointing to a red phone on a desk filled 
with various papers.  The small man quickly rushed out of the room.

The phone rang.

The phone rang again.

And the phone rang again... WILL YOU PICK UP THE STUPID PHONE ALREADY!!!

Slobbering! picked up the phone.  "Sheessh!  Uh..Hello??"

"Hi!  Is this the live psychic hotline??"

"Huh??  Oh..oh yeah!  Uh, what would you like to ..uh..know??"

"Well, I'm having trouble with my girl..."

"Uh -- really.  What does she look like??"

"Well she -- Hey!!  What does it matter what she looks like..??"

"Well, I'm going to have a hard time imagining her naked in a tub of 
jello if you don't -- Hello??  Hmm.  Must have hung up."

(Further panels show as time passes by: Slobbering! answering the phone, 
sharpening pencils, staring at the ceiling, making airplanes, staring at 
the ceiling, trying to split a paper cup using mental force, staring at 
the ceiling.)

"Man, I'm bored.  Phone Psychitry just isn't the glamorous field they 
show it on television as being.  Hmm.  I wonder if there's a Furrboy 
Magazine or something sleazy in this desk..." Slobbering! said as he 
started shuffling around in the drawers.  Through the pile of papers 
Slobbering! found something interesting.  A letter from the makers of 
Mister Paprika.

Dear President of The Psychic Friends and Psychic Hair Club for Men Inc.:

We the Makers of Mister Paprika hope this new deal of ours will change 
your mind into merging your fine establishment with our corporation. 
Although we were quite positive that our last deal of one million 
dollars would change your outlook, we can certainly understand the 
emotional attachment you have to your enterprise.  So we will up the 
ante to two million dollars.

We hope for your sake that you comply with the deal, or else we shall 
have to resort to much more persuasive measures.  Oh, do not think we 
are not capable either.  If you have paid any attention to the news 
lately, you then have already realized our strong political influence 
with Congress, the President, and the Supreme Court.  So we would 
appreciate if you would think before making a hasty decision.

Oh yes, we have also included a booklet filled with coupons for 
discounts on some of our great line of products, so enjoy.

Mr. "Paprika"
President of The Mister Paprika Company

Slobbering! stared at the letter for awhile (literally), using his 
highly serious face and looking quite profound.

"Hmm!  Establishment's a very big word!  What could it mean??"  But 
before Slobbering! could expend more thought to this dilemma, and 
failing to see the foreshadowing significance of the letter, he noticed 
something.  "A cheeto!!"  And with that Slobbering! quickly dumped the 
letter carelessly into one of the stacks and started the procedure of 
attempting to pry the stuck cheeto from under the desk.

Meanwhile somewhere between Alt.uquerque and Net.ropolis high in the sky...

Self-Righteous Preacher really hated traveling by air, and was only 
flying on this commercial air flight because it was faster and because 
he didn't really care to use one of those flight-thingies made by those 
godless-atheist scientists at the LNH.  *Sigh*, he thought.  Things were 
really going to damnation at the LNHHQ.  That half cat-woman 
daemon-spawned temptress was still being allowed to prance around the 
LNH nearly naked leading the others to thoughts of sin!  And with the 
revival of the Net Patrol...!

He knew he was leaving the LNH at a time when they really needed his 
spiritual aid and religious guidance.  And he deeply regretted having to 
leave, but he had to banish a satanic menace.  Yes, it was indeed very 
lucky that he had decided to attend the meeting where that demon's 
chances of getting into the LNH were about to be voted on.  Who knows 
what would have happened if he had not attended.  That foul creature 
might be in LNHHQ leading more souls to their destruction right this minute!

*Sigh* he should try to relax.  Maybe read the bible -- or better yet..

"Umm, young lady...!"  He motioned to one of the flight stewardesses.

"Can I help you, sir?"

"Uh -- Yes!  I was wondering if you might have the latest issue of 
'Prayboy'? Or perhaps 'The Right Magazine'??"

"I'm sorry sir, but I don't think we carry 'those' kind of magazines! 
How about...?"

"Nevermind!"  Hmmfpt, he thought.  The moral majority will certainly 
have to hear about this sacrilige!  The airplane industry will soon 
learn the true meaning of God's power!!  Why if Moses...(a really long 
religious solioquy by Self-Righteous Preacher that might take a while so 
lets skip to another subplot or plot)!

Meanwhile, back to the city of a thousand Burgerkings -- Espanola, 
Net.Mexico somewhere at Espanola's Water Treatment Plant....

A man in a gaudy costume, halfway between that of a court jester and 
something Madonna might think of wearing, giggled perpetually with an 
occasionally fiendish bellow of laughter, nevertheless extremely 
redundant (I bet you thought I had forgotten this guy.  Never 
underestimate the author of a story).

"Heheheh!  They mocked me once!  Heheheh!!  But never again!  Tomorrow, 
heheheh, Espanola, heheheh, will pay!!  And no one can stop me!!!!  No 

More giggling.

At that same moment elsewhere in Espanola...

As Slobbering! focused all of his energy into balancing a pencil on his 
nose, the door slammed!

"Well, I'm back from my meeting!  So how many customers called??"

"Huh?! Oh!  Uh well -- not too many.  And a lot of wrong numbers!  In 
fact there was this old lady who thought she called the Home Shopping 
Net.work!  She was commenting on our wonderful zirconium necklaces. 
Man, I didn't think she'd ever get off the phone so I hung up...!"

"You -- what!!!?"

"I said I hung up.  Anyways..."

"You idiot!!  You hung up on a potential goldmine!!"

"Well, I didn't want to risk a big phone bill...!"

"She's the one with the big phone bill you moron!! That is how a 900 
number works!! That is how we MAKE MONEY!!!!"

"Really?  Gee -- now that I know that, this whole business makes a lot 
more sense!  Funny thing -- you know I...." before Slobbering! could 
finish his sentence though, he was in mid air falling rapidly towards 
the street.

"And stay out!!!" an angry phone psychic president said shaking his fist.

"Hmm.  Why do I have this feeling that I didn't get the job??  Oh well, 
it was kind of boring anyways, calling and stuff.  *Sigh* well I'm back 
to where I was.  Hmm.  Where was I?  Let's see.  What was I -- a lion 
tamer?  No.  I don't have the right clothes.  I..."

Okay another recap seeing that it will probably take five or so more 
issues if I leave it up to Slobbering!'s brain power!  You WERE a super 
hero!  You got a LETTER of rejection from the LNH!  Some psycho by the 
name of PLUM MASTER is running around Espanola causing havoc!  You quit 
being a super hero to BECOME a phone psychic!  And NOW you're back on 
the streets jobless again!!

"You mean that I'm responsible for this??" he said pointing to all of 
the hazardous smashed plums on the streets, injured bystanders who 
accidentally slipped on plums with out a soul to sue, and the many 
wasted plums that could have been sent to starving deranged super 
villains in Africa!

Yes, and unfortunately I would bet my LNH Writer's Guild Membership Card 
(Oh yeah, BTW, when do I receive it?) that Plum Master is not finished 
with his unnecessary destruction of Espanola and will probably seek a 
big finale like most super villains do.

"How can I stop him though?  I mean, I don't even know where to find him??"

Well most superhero's use their incredible detective skills or 
scientific genius, but seeing that you're very limited in those fields 
I'm going to have to start cheating by giving you hints.  Like for 
instance, you see those plums there, I would be quite positive that they 
lead to the path of their master.



"Okay, okay!  No need to get all huffy and stuff!  Hey, I have a great 
idea!  Instead of going to all of the trouble of finding and fighting 
Plum Master -- why don't we just cut to another subplot and then when we 
get back you can write me into a scene where I'm at the police station 
smoking a nice cigar and have the police chief comment on my bravery and 
cunning in catching Plum Master?"

I think not.  NOW GET MOVING!!

"Okay, okay.  Mean old writer!!" Slobbering! muttered as started 
surveying the direction the majority of smashed plums seem to be.

After spending almost an hour's time, he eventually found a trail of 
plums leading to the Espanola Water Treatment Center.  In the parking 
lot he could see one semi-truck filled with crates of plums, and two 
more holding large tanks filled with who knows what.


"Yoo hoo!!  Anybody inside!!"

I SAID CAUTIOUSLY!! Slobbering! sneaked into the gates tiptoeing towards 
the metal door.  After carefully inspecting the door for possible booby 
traps (Yeah right.  Sorry.  Just amusing myself.) he pulled the door 
handle and went inside.

"Hmm!  Could have sworn I heard psychopathic giggling and someone 
chanting, 'You are the first to go Grue!'  Must have been the wind", 
Slobbering! said noticing the place was deserted except for some 
technical devices.  "A lot of bright lights and switches.  Wonder what 
would happen if I were to push this big red button?"  Unable to restrain 
his curiosity Slobbering! pushed the big red button.

Five minutes later Slobbering! was hanging with his feet attached to a 
rope and a guinea sack over his head right under a vat filled with some 
bubbling liquid.

"Oh my god!  I'm blind!!  You shall perish you fiend who gouged my eyes 
out!!  You will...!"

"Oh, shut up.  All you have is a sack over your head!  So -- you are the 
infamous Slobbering Grue!  The Drooling Crusader!!  The Defender of 
Dribble!!  The Sentry of Saliva!!  The...!"

"Don't forget the Man Who Once Stuffed 10,000 Marshmallows in His Mouth!"

"The Man Who -- *Ahem* Nevermind.  Anyways, Mr. Grue! as you can plainly 
see you are..."

"Actually, since I have a sack over my head..."

"Aaeeerrrrggg!!  Do I have to do everything?!  Very well," Plum Master 
said as he walked over and released the sack covering Slobbering!'s 
head.  "Now, as I was saying as you can plainly see, you are hanging 
from a vat filled with a boiling liquid!  Heheheh!!  You see you are 
under my total will!  With just one pull on the pulley -- hehehe from me 
you will PLUMmet to your DEATH!!!!! HeheeheheehehehehAHHAHAHAhheheh!!!! 
  I've been waiting for that line for ages!!!!"

"Me thinks me missed a punchline or something," Slobbering! said while 
he dangled to and fro.  "Hmm.  Gee -- I never knew my toenails were that 

"Will you pay attention to me!!?  I just said a pun and now you are 
supposed to reply with some super hero vow!!  Oh, why do I even bother! 
  Try as I may I will never be able to capture the brilliance of the old 
Batman 60's TV series!!  Particularly because of a dolt like you who 
thinks it's funny to say that his toenails are long!!!"

"But they are!  See??"  Slobbering! wiggled his toenails.

"I don't CARE about your stupid toenails!  *Sigh* I was a normal person 
once.  I could have been something in life.  But because they rejected 
me I'm who I am now!  You see along time ago I auditioned for a part on 
the Batman TV series!  I was a big fan and was just starting out my 
acting career, and you know what?  They rejected me!!!  Me of all 
people!!  They said I wasn't an old has-been actor!  Some excuse!!

"I couldn't take the rejecting, and since there weren't talk shows like 
Oprah back then, I took my pain to a grocery store!  In that store, I 
saw the most cruel act imaginable!  A man was laughing at a piece of 
fruit!!  I thought about closing my eyes and just ignoring it, but I 
couldn't let this horrible crime happen!  So, I picked up a plum and 
attacked the man.  And you know what I did next?  Yes!  I was the one 
who laughed!!!  And I told myself that no one would ever laugh at a 
fruit again!!"

Slobbering! had an eerie feeling that Plum Master wasn't totally sane.

"People laugh at fruit all of the time and without even thinking of the 
emotional damage to the fruit!"

Slobbering! would have denied this except for the fact that he had once 
laughed at an avocado.  "But hey!  Wait a sec!  Wouldn't smashing 
people's heads with plums -- hurt the plums?"

"Are you calling me a HYPOCRITE??!?!?!?!!!!!  That's it!!  I'm dropping 
you into the vat!  And I won't even tell you my evil plan!!"

"Wait!  Don't you think you're being a little too hasty there??  Would a 
true Batman 60's TV Show villain kill Batman without first telling him 
their evil plan?"

"Dang it!  You're right!  Very well.  You probably know a couple years 
ago there was this crystal clear fad.  It seemed like everything from 
soda pop to syrups to liquid soaps and such were made to look crystal 
clear.  Anyways, I became caught up in the fad too and bought a large 
amount of stock in a particular item that didn't sell too well.  Anyway, 
two of my partners split with as much cash as they could to Mexico 
leaving me broke and bitter and with an entire warehouse of the product. 
  Do you see that hose right over there from that tank on the semi that 
I've connected to the Espanola central water system??"

"Um, yeah?"

"In few minutes or so, heheheh, when I pull this valve, heheh, it will 
cause 100 gallons of concentrated crystal clear prune juice to be jetted 
into Espanola's water supply!  Heheheheh!!"

"Oh, my god!!"

"Yep.  Tomorrow morning, a whollleee lot of toilet paper's going to be 
used up!!!"

"I finally get your entire plan!" Slobbering! said comprehending the 
amount of bathroom humor used in that last sentence.  "While all of the 
citizens of Espanola are locked up in their bathrooms -- the entire city 
of Espanola will be unguarded!!  Free for anyone -- who doesn't have a 
regularity problem -- to LOOT without care!!!"

"Actually, I was originally just going to go home and have a really big 
giggle, but now that you mention it, that idea is a far better one. 
Thanks!  Heheh.  Hope you don't mind if I use it -- hehehheehahahh!  Oh. 
  Looks like it's about time to turn the valve, heheh, before you die 
that is, heheheh," Plum Master cackled as he climbed a ladder and made 
his way over to the valve.

Slobbering! had only a few seconds to think of a brilliant plan to free 
himself and stop Plum Master.  "Piece of cake!  Hmm.  What should I do 
with those other two seconds?" Slobbering! said in deep thought.

Slobbering! if I were you I'd stop worrying about what to do with those 
other seconds especially since they've already passed!

"Hmm!  Maybe your right!  Hmm.  You know now that I think of it -- this 
is kind of a tough dilemma.  Would you mind giving me a possible say 
hint maybe??"

Eerrrghghh!!  Okay.  Since I didn't have the foresight for a big Death 
of the Slobbering Grue! commercialism hype story line I guess I'll have 
to intervene AGAIN!!  Okay.  See that sign right over there?

"The one that says 'Push this lever for escape'?  Yeah, what about it??"

Oh.  I see I probably worded it wrong.  My mistake.  OKAY.  You can read 
it again now.

"Hmm.  Now it says 'Push this *^$%^#% lever so you can escape, you 
*&%$#@* moron!!!'  OH!  Now I see!  Thanks!"

Slobbering!'s time was just about up.  But just as Plum Master was about 
to turn the valve -- Slobbering! began to chant.

"Oh, all masters of the art!  Great baseball players of the majors, 
minors, and little league!  Oh, all children in school about to spit a 
big one at your teacher!!  And all foreign diplomats trying to get a Big 
Mac!!!  I ask for your power and wisdom of the saliva right now 
(actually this whole ritual is just for show)!  Amen.  It's Booka time!!!"

For a slight moment the world was quiet.  Plum Master hadn't expected 
any resistance and stood spellbound unsure of what to do.  In the 
distance there was a sound of sounds that sounded like 
"KKKXXUIIKKGGGGUUUUUUUUU *hack*," or something similar to that.  And out 
of Slobbering!'s mouth came a liquid stream.  A stream that mortal 
beings might wonder what it was, and if told be sorry they asked.


The art of projecting spit as a lethal weapon is a lost art in our 
civilization, taken by only a few certain individuals who took it 
instead of wood shop in high-school.

However, in the dangerous jungles of the Gruelands where survival is 
just another term for living and free beers aren't too likely to happen 
-- it is a required class!  (Although this is a moot point since most 
Grue's bribe their teachers anyways.)  However, a favorite quote from 
the Holy Book of the Slobbering Grues is 'No spit. No free beer!' which 
basically sums up the Grues reason for existence.


The stream of the saliva's path went straight towards the lever.  The 
lever then released the rope holding Slobbering!'s feet.  And because 
Slobbering! was at the time swinging to and fro, it caused Slobbering! 
to fling into the air dramatically.  While this was happening the stream 
reflected into Plum Master's direction and knocked the wind out of him, 
which is probably just as well, seeing that if he was conscious of what 
was happening right now, and considering the reality that no one could 
swallow all of this stupid garbage of Slobbering! escaping and such, and 
if they tried they would have their entire insides blow up.

As Slobbering! reflected on the previous events with statements like, 
"Whooaahh!!  That was like cool or something!" and "That would have made 
a cool splash page," Plum Master dizzily got up, and reached into one of 
his many gaudily colored pockets.  And as his hand came out so did a 
deadly looking plum!

"You might think you have defeated me fool, but Plum Master always has 
the last laugh!!"  And with that Plum Master jumped from balcony with 
the plum in his hand in a perfect dive performing an ancient assassin 
technique, which if performed right can split a person's body from head 
to genitals.  Anyways, not a pretty sight.

Slobbering! had to think quick.

"Again??  Man!  It seems like I'm having to think in every stinking 
sentence and it's really wracking my brain!!  Couldn't you get me a 
stunt double to do all of this thinking??  Please?  Pretty please? 
Okay, okay.  Have it your way, mean old writer!" Slobbering! muttered as 
he was thinking of a way to stop Plum Master from pruning him.

And just when Plum Master was in striking distance, Slobbering! thought 
of the perfect trick.

"Hey!  Look!!  It's Madonna!"

"Huh?!  Where?" Plum Master said with an excited voice of confusion, but 
it had already taken its toll in breaking Plum Master's rhythm causing 
him to crash into the ground knocking him once more into unconsciousness.

"Wheww!!" Slobbering! said while tying Plum Master with a hose to 
prevent Plum Master from trying to kill him again.  "That was a close 
one!  Hmm.  A siren.  I will look forward to a day when people don't 
fear my kind, a day when...!"

Oh shut up!  You couldn't give a soliloquy filled with angst if your 
life depending on it!  Just get out of here before the police get you!

And with that the Slobbering Grue! left the Espanola Water Treatment 
Center with the swiftness of a bird and the grace of a swan (Yeah.  I'm 
amusing myself again).

"Hey, you were right, Sarge!  Something was happening here!  Look! 
That's that Plum guy isn't it??"

"Well -- I'll be!  I guess we'll be getting those promotions after all!" 
a man in police uniform said as he walked over to where Plum Master was 
bound.  "Rise and shine, buddy.  You're going to take little ride.  Why 
-- I do believe he's PLUMB tired!"

"Hahah!  That's a good one, Sarge! 'Plumb tired'!  You know, you should 
write for them LNH comics, Sarge!"

"Oh -- Shut up you two!!" a groggy Plum Master said getting up.  "I have 
been defeated for now.  But -- when I get out of jail, I will get 
revenge on All of *You*!!  I will destroy everything from the city, to 
the people, to my agent Harvey who said I should do this stupid comic 
instead of the Easily Discovered Man comic -- but mainly I'll get you 
Slobbering Grue! even if it's the last thing I do!!! 
Hahahhehahaheehah!!!!!!!!  But I am free from till then to make 
villainous guest appearances in your comic especially if that comic's 
named Easily Discovered Man, so if you want you can reach me at the 
Net.Mexico Prison for the Crimn..."

"Enough with the commercial!  You have the right to remain silent..."


By the time Slobbering! got home it was already too late for David 
Letterman.  Slobbering noticed the LNH rejection letter was still there 
with the picture of Sheila on it.

"Oh, Sheila.  Why oh why did you leave me?  Or do you prefer your legion 
name you use now..."


"Hahahah!! I'm a ^*&$* genius!!!!" a pimply adolescent said with 
rootbeer shooting out of his nose.  "This will be the greatest sub-plot 
ever in the history of the LNH!!  It will wreak forever havoc on all 
plot lines following!!  Hahahahahahah!!!!!!!"

In the black of night, a voice spoke.

Never Again.

"Hmm.  Thought I heard something.  Oh well.  Better type the LNHr's name 
so I can post it by tonight!  God, this is going to cause havoc!"

It must never be.

"Hmm.  You ever get this crazy feeling that someone else is writing a 
story about you?"

The window shattered.  Men with camouflaged uniforms, ski masks, and 
semi-machine guns came through the window.  A blaze of red-hot lead was 
directed towards the teenagers chair.

"Wh-who...?" the teen said gazing at the blood on his shirt.  It would 
be his last word.

"We are the Blatant Censors of America.  We have been assigned to 
prevent any possible action that might lead to another 'Woody Scandal'!"

As the teen fell onto the floor, the combined group gathered hands and 
chanted, "Long live the cause!!"  With that said all but one fled the 
scene.  The one that remained typed two words on the story before 
posting it.  Afterwards, he also fled.

The End.



Self-Righteous Preacher -- wReam
Procrastination Boy is -- Unknown Writer

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