LNH/REPOST: Jong #3 -- 'Rejection Part One'
arspitzer at earthlink.net
Wed Dec 11 17:08:11 PST 2013
Jong #3 was my first attempt at tying the series to the LNH. This issue
has a brief cameo by wReam's Self-Righteous Preacher. Also my first
LNH'r that I created: Foreshadowing Lad appears here.
This would also be the first appearance of Plum Master my first attempt
at a Slobbering Grue! supervillain.
For the first time edited and also for the first time with all the words
it was supposed to have (unlike the one in the archive that I was too
lazy to ever fix). Also I put in the cheeto pancake recipe (which I
promised, but never actually put in when I originally posted this).
Here you go.
From: arthur-rvelks at nova.novanet.org
Subject: FANFIC: LNH: JONG #3
Date: Mon, 24 Jan 94 20:35:00 CST
J. OOOO. N. N. GGGG. 33
J. O. O. NN.N. G. ## 333
J. O. O. N.NN. G.GG. #### 33
JJJ. OOOO. N. N. GGGG. ## 3333
"*Sigh* looks like another brutal slaying," a depressed and tired police
officer said as he talked to his superior using a phone in the store
manager's office. "Arms completely severed brains oozing out... All his
bones fragmented like... like he went through a blender or something."
"Sounds pretty horrible! Which reminds me -- could you by chance pick
up some ground chuck?"
"Whoops, sorry! So -- do you have any leads on who (going into dramatic
mode) did this heinous deed?!!"
"All we have are some witnesses -- each with the same story! A man in a
purple and yellow suit with a mask over his head -- looks sort of like a
-- jester! He beat the man to death! The sicko laughed the whole time
he did it!!"
"Hmm!" (In his best Sherlock Holmes voice!) "Most people who dress
that way do! Probably a -- psychotic! Did you find out the weapon used
in the crime? A crowbar (Editors Note: Hmm. I always wondered why
they would name a tool after a place where crows drink)? A baseball bat??"
"No -- no! Here is the most disturbing part!" The cop started to
hyperventilate. "Th--the Fiend b--beat the m-m-man to -- to death
wiwiwith aaa aaa pl PL PL...!"
"Come on man! Spit it out!!"
"A PLLUUMMM!!!!!!!" The phone dropped out of the man's hand and he
started to whimper uncontrollably (probably because he wants to win an
award for best supporting actor in a crummy net.comic). The chief is
To describe Slobbering Grue!'s abode as a toxic waste dump would be far
too generous. His apartment was probably by far the most filthy and
foulest pit ever known to man. The carpet if there had ever been one
was no more. Instead -- it had been replaced by empty cheeto bags,
beer, orange soda cans, and every pornographic calendar known to mankind
(none, however, were on the right month or even year for that matter).
Don't, however, get the impression that Slobbering! was uncaring when it
came to making his dwelling presentable. In fact just a week ago he had
bought a plant to place on top of the half-eaten cheesecake embedded
into his refrigerator (he never got around to watering it though).
In one of the corners was Slobbering!'s bed. A bed that even a homeless
person would think twice about sleeping in. It was here that the story
began. As Slobbering! climbed out of bed, while rubbing his eyes
knowing... Ahem! Like I was saying as Slobbering! climbed out of bed,
whi.... oh Slobbering! GET out of bed you stupid dolt! Don't you under
stand English?! We HAVE a story to DO!!
"Huh!!?" a confused if not dazed Grue! answered, "Uh..sorry..umm..I was
like ad-libbing...yeah..that's it....adlibb..."
Just shut up and let's get back to the story. OK, anyways, Slobbering
(who had just gotten out of bed BTW) reflected on his powers and the
effects they have on the people around him like most super heroes do in
the morning. While he did this he sipped a freshly brewed cup of coffee
and read today's script while giving a loud yawn. As he...What the
*&%*$%* do you think you're doing!!!!?
Slobbering! quickly hid the script behind his back. The cup of coffee
became airborne for a second until it hit one of the walls. Slobbering!
whistled to himself and stared at the ceiling.
All right -- Mr. Grue! What's your story this time for not Memorizing
"Uhh...umm..well you see I was doing uh Church Work...yeah that's it!
Church work!! Bibles and stuff ya know and well..."
Oh really now. DO you always reek of booze after you -- Oh Nevermind!
We've got to step on it if we want to get this stupid story posted!!!
Ok, so while the Grue! prepared his special cheeto-pancakes (recipe
included within this issue!) he noticed a stack of unopened letters and
other junk mail. Slobbering rummaged through the heap of final notices
and death threats from creditors. And as fate (and subplots) would have
it he found the letter he has been waiting months for (No, not the one
from Penthouse asking him to pose nude with a blank check inside, but
that was a good guess). The LNH had finally sent back their letter. A
letter that would reveal if he was now a part of the LNH. As he lazily
tore the letter opened he already started to imagine himself as a LNH
(In Slobbering!'s dream he sees millions of people (Millions!) all of
them chanting 'Long live the Grue! Long live the Grue! Yaaaayy!!!!' And
he sees women ripping off their clothes each hoping that he will bear
"Yep," he said as he woke up. "This is going to be cool! Hmm, I'm
going to need buy a new pair of boxer shorts! Need to make myself look
presentable!" The letter was now opened. He unfolded it and began
reading it outloud. "*Ahem*..!"
Dear Mr. Grue, (Damn! They left out the '!'! Oh
well -- have to correct that
when I get there)
Thank you for sending your resume to us.
After careful evaluation, we are sorry to tell you that
your powers do not meet our present needs.
Our decision is not necessarily a reflection of your
quality as a hero, but is based mainly on our perception of the
We wish you better luck elsewhere.
(a photo copied Ultimate Ninja signature)
Leader of the LNH
It took Slobbering a while to get through the letter (he wasn't exactly
a speed reader). After awhile he started searching for codewords,
because they probably were using codewords to find out if he knew
codewords. About an hour and a half later he found out that wasn't the
"Why??” said Slobbering, filled with angst (of course!). He held his
hand out as if studying it and tears fell from his mouth. “I've got
better powers than most of those -- pikers -- By Jong!! And I’ve also
got a better chance of selling action figures of myself!!"
He sat down and took one last look at the letter. It was when he looked
at the logo, which filled about half the page and had caricatures of
various LNH members, that he noticed Sheila or someone that bore a very
close resemblance to her.
A long time ago in a dimension far, far away (sorry can't think of any
good ways to start a flashback) Slobbering! met a woman in a motel.
They both fell madly in love with each other ... and again ... and
again. Anyways, to make a short story short they became so deeply in
adornment with each other that a week later they decided to get married.
But as Slobbering!'s luck would have it, the day that she was supposed
to be out finding a bridal gown for herself she came back a little
earlier than she was supposed to and found the entire Dallas cheer
leading squad in bed with Slobbering!. Slobbering tried to tell her the
cousin from out of town story, but he knew she didn't believe him.
And he never had seen her since then, that was until today.
<<Maybe that's why...>> he thought to himself, <<The LNH didn't give me
membership! No!! Even if I would like to believe that ... it wouldn't
be true! Sheila wasn't the type to hold a grudges!>> Slobbering!
looked out of his slightly cracked window and saw the city he called
home. He had spent 2 months here eradicating the cities mimes, lawyers,
and other scuzz balls. He should have been an LNH'r by now, but that
wasn't the case and now it looked more and more like a dream everyday.
The media that once upon a time had let him in with open arms was
labeling him more dangerous than the mimes he had gotten rid of. He
turned on the TV. "Maybe a little basketball will help ease the pain!"
Slobbering! was right in the fact that the women who he thought was
Sheila didn't prevent his membership, in fact she hadn't even gone to
the meeting that decided Slobbering!'s fate. However, a man that
Slobbering! didn't even know came to the meeting. A man that disliked
everything Slobbering! was or represented. And at the meeting he gave
such a fire and brimstone speech that even Slobbering! might have voted
against himself too. As Slobbering! watched basketball this man packed
for a trip. The man carefully picked out various bibles and crosses to
put in his suitcase. "Hey Self-Righteous here's your map you wanted!
Although I can't imagine why you would want a map of Espanola,
Net.Mexico,” said a disinterested Foreshadowing Lad.
"You know, Bob, despite the fact that Sig.attle has the best record in
the NBA and Espanola hasn't won or scored a point since it has become a
franchise -- I still think this has the makings of great game!!"
“You said it! One word Meek-o!! Yep! Ted-o!! You see the zoom --
man!!!! THREE-POINTER!!!!! Haha!!!! This is a team of DESTINY!!!!
The next Jordan!!!!!! Okay, back to you, Ted!"
"Umm -- Bob your frothing on your microphone again! Oh well -- the
tipoff has started! Is it just me, Bob, or is that weird guy dressed as
a jester not supposed to be on the court throwing plums at the players?
Isn't that a technical??"
Off the court people started to scream and run. Many were crushed in
their attempts to escape the arena by others who were panicking. Plum
Master giggled as he threw plums every which way.
"Gee! This is a whole lot better than the basketball game I watched
last time!” said a highly moved Slobbering Grue! as he watched Plum
Master nail a referee with a plum. However, there was a newsflash.
"Great, probably some stupid earthquake or something!"
"This report just in: a man in a jester's suit attacked the Lucky Leech
Arena! Police say the man is armed and dangerous!!"
"*Sigh* this looks like a job for -- me!" But Slobbering paused a while
and thought, "Why should I save them though!? All I ever get is boos!!
You know when I think about it -- maybe they don't need me as a hero!!
Maybe -- I'll become a -- Phone Psychic!!" With that Slobbering!
slammed the door as he left his apartment.
TO BE CONTINUED!!!!
Self-Righteous Preacher is wReam's
Rest are mine
And now for that Cheetos Pancake Recipe:
You pour a big bag of Cheetos into a bowl. Then you pour a six pack of
beer into the bowl and mash the whole mixture up (while drooling into it
Then you get some lard and put it into a frying pan. When the pan is
pancake making hot pour in a pancake size glop of the batter. Wait till
it is nicely cooked and flip it over (like they do in the cartoons.
Don't use a spatula! Spatulas are for pussies!)
When both sides are nicely cooked plop the pancake onto a plate. And
then stare at it. And say to yourself -- 'Why did I do this? What have
I done? God, what have I done!!?'
And then dump the whole batch into the trash. And go get yourself a
Arthur "The Horror of it all..." Spitzer
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