REPOST/LNH: Jong #2 -- 'My Journey to Earth (Or How I Spent My Summer Vacation)'

Arthur Spitzer arspitzer at
Mon Dec 9 15:31:05 PST 2013

JONG #2 is comprised of three short little pieces that I wrote before I 
realized that the LNH existed.

The first part is the only pre-LNH Slobbering Grue! story that still 
exists (considering the quality of the other two that I wrote were 
probably even worse than this one -- that's probably a blessing).

The character of Slobbering Grue! was a storage character I had for this 
game called 'Avatar', which was a DnD type game on Novanet (an education 
computer network that was connected to the Internet through e-mail and 
gopher and various other things).

Slobbering Grue! was actually a parody of another person's character 
(called the Shocking Grue!) -- also the Ghost Buster character Slimer 
probably played a part in what I though the Grue looked like.

Here's a wikipedia page about Avatar:

This story is about an unsuccessful run for the Presidency back in '92.

The next part is an ad for Wondersocks (which I'd bring back as 
character in LNHY).

I'm sure this was inspired by the SNL sketch 'Happy Fun Ball' -- (SNL 
and Bloom County were big influences on me back then.)

The third part is just a weird little story that I wrote.  I did make a 
comic of it for art class -- which you can see here:

This was my only real attempt to make JONG an anthology.  THE SKATE 
backup story I promised in this issue, I never bothered to write and 
after this it became all about The Slobbering Grue!

Newsgroups: alt.comics.lnh
From: arthur-rvelks at
Subject: JONG #2
Date: Sun, 26 Dec 93 19:08:00 CST

   JJJJJ.                        222
      J.  OOOO. N. N. GGGG.         2
      J.  O. O. NN.N. G.     ##   22
     J.   O. O. N.NN. G.GG. #### 2
  JJJ.    OOOO. N. N. GGGG.  ##  2222

(The Comic for people who could write a way better comic,
but unfortunately were attacked by aliens who then
proceeded to surgically attach their hands to the monitor
making it impossible to write a comic!)

Editor's Note:  This sentence has no period


The following is from the 'Memoirs of the Slobbering Grue!'.

They take place before his entrance into the Looniverse --
and before his being banned from the Avatar, Novanet, and
our own Earth Universe.  In other words I'm too lazy to
write a new story so I'm posting a bunch of reruns that
I wrote before I even knew about the Internet.


         My Journey to Earth (Or how I spent my Summer
         by J. Slobbering Grue!


It had been a long night.  A night of snorting rootbeer,
and of trying to find dirty words in the yellow pages and
bible.  But it was going to be a longer morning for I was
heading home.  Back to the land where every house has a
wooden shield and leather cap.  I was heading back to
Avatar.  As I was shoving the hotel's towels and ashtrays
into my suitcase, the memories started to pour in.


It was a cool Wednesday.  Either you were running the
crawlway or 15 studd, one of those days.  Except for me.  I
used this time at the alchemy shop to fool around with
bracken, parchment, and a century plant.  That was when
I discovered the secret of counterfeiting century
plants.  The idea was quite simple actually and I'm
surprised that no one had ever thought of it.  By taking
some bracken, leaves of any other plant, and Elmer's glue
I was able to make an exact duplicate.  What started as a
simple way to pay the rent became a billion dollar business
when the pentagon became involved.

Yep, when those warmongers down in Washington got word of a
plant that could de-age a person 50 years you could hear the
sound of drool hitting an old oak desk.  They probably
thought that the age limit would become a thing of the
past.  Boy were they mad when they found out they weren't
century plants.

After I had hit it big I decided that Avatar was just
holding me back.  I was going to move to real life.  I was
going for the whole money pit.  After I had left I hired
a screenwriter to write a movie about my life starting as
an assistant storage character to my 2nd presidential term
where I gave fictional TV sitcom and cartoon characters the
right to vote.  The entire idea folded though when lawsuits
occurred claiming that I had stolen most of my ideas from
Star Wars movies.  I salvaged what I could and turned it
into the Slobbering Grue! Opera and that had only one
showing which was marred by the 30 deaths that occurred due
to boredom and the riot caused by one of the main actors.

After that I decided that entertainment might not be my cup
of tea.  I decided to try my paws at politics.

After the gulf war Bush's popularity scared away many
contenders, but not me.  I knew that despite my many
affairs with human women, and my addiction to hunting and
eating newspeople (actually that gave me the anti-media,
womanizer vote) I could pull the upset.  Yes it was just
me an Paul Tsongas running for the democratic party.  And
then Paul sent me pictures of myself in an intimate
position with a Lenin statue.  I knew even though the
pictures were doctored up I would still be branded for life
so I dropped out of the race.  It wasn't until after the
democratic party convention that I created my own party.
The Party for Stupid Dungeon Critters That Have Their Own
Political Party.

It was then that I pooled all the money I had into the
biggest political commercial anyone had ever seen.
6 hours long -- it cost 20 billion dollars and was
highlighted by the last hour where 100 sport, movie, and
political celebrities (even George Bush, Bill Clinton, and
Ross Perot) sang, "We love the Grue!  You should too!  Vote
for him!"  But because of scheduling difficulties it was
shown after election day and I lost.  All my money
with it.

I decided that it was time for me to head back to Avatar,
besides the fact that I owed 100 billion to various
agencies.  I knew despite the fact that I had occasionally
blackmailed, threatened, raped, pillaged, humiliated,
annoyed, and killed a few of my friends -- they would forgive

Shoot -- they might even throw me a parade.  Yes, I
thought, a parade!  I could feel the tears coming out of my
mouth.  I was coming home.  I was coming home.  Of course
I wasn't quite there yet.  I still had to sneak out of this
hotel without paying, hijack a taxi, and then hide myself
in someone's suitcase that would be sent to my destination.
I took one last look at real life, then I ran like the
wind.  There was a gunshot.


Hopefully by next issue I'll have some ideas so I won't
be reduced to doing reruns again.  I hope it gives you some
insight on Slobbering Grue!'s character though.


IT DICES!  No, it's not some fancy kitchen gadget that you
need a high-school diploma to know how to run.  What is it
you ask or a better question what are they!?  They're

Yes!  For the first time in history an object
does what you want it to.  Since the beginning of written
history people have worn socks, but it wasn't until a few
years ago that Wondersocks founder Dr. Joe Bockels after an
accident with a tube of superglue came up with the perfect
solution to all the world's problems.

When you compare Wondersocks to regular socks they look the
same, but don't be fooled!  Examined through an electron
microscope you can plainly see that Wondersocks have a lot
more stuff going on!  Magic stuff!!  Magic stuff so
powerful that to call it any other name besides
Wondersock -- Well, you would be struck down by lightning.

Tired of cleaning your socks?  Don't!!  Buy wondersocks!
Those little magic gnomes that inhabit wondersocks aren't
U.S. citizens and they're so small that no one will ever
know.  It will be our little secret.

Here's a list of a few more things that wondersocks are good for:

Hand puppets, a hat, a mask for armed robbery, an elephant
noise warmer, a pet lasso, a form of birth-control, a bungee
cord, an accessory to some of our games such as:  Sock-
Chess, Hide & Sock, Follow the Sock, SOCK Arena, Sock-
ER!  Other uses:  an all-powerful force to destroy your
enemies, a way of committing suicide, a way to strain jelly,
a nice salad shooter, toilet paper, a Christmas or
birthday present, sock-art, a gag, a whip, a belt!

And of course you can also wear it as a *Sock*.

You can also buy our separate 500 page booklet that
includes other uses for Wondersock.

Warning:  Wondersocks may cause blindness, vomiting, heart
disease, lung disease, insanity, loss of hearing, boredom,
most sexually transmitted diseases, sneezing, bad breath,
deja vu, death, brain damage, ingrown toenails, and loss
of hair.

Your first set of Wondersocks comes with a free can of
Wondersock food to prevent your Wondersocks from eating
your other clothes.

For more information call 1-800-WONDER.  Remember get it
before it's banned in your state!  And remember this too,
'If it's not a Wondersock -- Then it's some other inanimate


Here's a little short story I wrote a long time ago to
finish this issue of JONG.


         'Warn your children...'
         by Arthur R. Spitzer


Profile of a failed utopia - #23 in the series!

The system had been on the fritz for a couple hours.  Like
always we called the repair man.  Little did we know that
all our problems would be solved that very day.

The man was naked when he came in and was full of knowledge.

He said he would fix the problem.  We all laughed at him.
We had heard such promises before.  We would soon learn
though that the Kumpooter-MAN, which was his name, was no
joke.  With the sound of a flash and the blink of an eye he
out of nowhere pulled out a stick of juicy fruit gum.

We shivered with fear.  And he said in a serious tone, "With
this stick of juicy fruit gum I will solve all your

We watched.  He spoke no magic word, danced no
dance.  He simply crammed that juicy fruit right up that
computers disk drive.  The computer screamed out obscenities
that only computers know, but before the computer could say
Syntax Error all was lost.  Yet all was gained.

We realized we were free from the evil computer system, so
we took all our clothes off.  We went from city to city to
share our knowledge and free others.  Some thought we were
crazy, so we killed them off.  Finally everyone was free to
take their clothes off, live in the trees, eat natural food
with natural bugs in it.  Everyone was happy.  It was....
like a utopia.

That was before all humanity choked on banana seeds and the
cockroaches took over.

The Moral:  Banana seeds have feelings too.
Well that does it for this edition of JONG.  Upcoming
issues will have Slobbering Grue! fight an enemy from his
past and we will introduce a new super hero.....The SKATE.

Please send any comments, criticisms, or ideas to this
newsgroup or my e-mail address: arthur-rvelks at nova.novanet.
org.  And keep reading JONG...because who knows....someday
I might actually write something half-way entertaining...

         -Chief Editor
          Mr. Velk
Avatar, Century Plants, and Wooden Shields are all
trademarks of the game Avatar...
Slobbering Grue! and Wondersocks are all mine...all mine...

Arthur "Old..." Spitzer

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