LNH/REPOST: Jong #1 -- 'And then the Slobbering Grew...'
arspitzer at earthlink.net
Sun Dec 8 13:24:49 PST 2013
Okay, to celebrate 20 years of me posting stuff to alt.comics.lnh
(here's my first post in all its barely literate glory:
I'll be posting the first issue of JONG, which for the first time I've
actually edited! (Although there are probably still a bunch of errors
-- although some are intentional.)
JONG was my first LNH series (originally I think I had intended for it
to be an anthology, although it eventually just became a series for the
Slobbering Grue!) Why did I call it JONG? I think it was short for
jongleur -- also it had a kind of comicbooky feel like ZAP or something
a long those lines.
A big influence on my first story was probably the 'Opus killing a mime
with an olive loaf' storyline in Bloom County.
This is Slobbering!'s first appearance in the Looniverse (although not
the first story he ever appeared in (more about that when I repost JONG
#2)). This is also the debut of Sarge 'n Kid (of 'Who Killed the Cat
with Glasses' fame) those bumbling police men who always seem to take
credit for the capture of any supervillain the Slobbering Grue! ever
managed to defeat.
I was 18 years old and still in high school when I wrote this. It was
probably at the time the longest story I had ever written.
So enjoy! (Or more likely be incredibly disappointed with.)
From: arthur-rvelks at nova.novanet.org
Subject: JONG #1
Date: Wed, 22 Dec 93 15:27:00 CST
J. OOOO. N. N. GGGG. 111
J. O. O. NN.N. G. ## 11
J. O. O. N.NN. G.GG. #### 11
JJJ. OOOO. N. N. GGGG. ## 1111
(The Comic for people who think comics are a plot by Elvis
to take over the Universe)
Editor's Note: This comic funny if sniff superglue
"And then the Slobbering Grew..."
Mr. Smith is a simple man (Simple because writing a
description is a pain, besides he's going to die anyways so
it doesn't matter). And like so many simple people he has
simple needs. Take today for instance: Mr. Smith will get
up, watch some TV (10 hours straight of nude female
wrestling), go to his cupboard (only to notice he's out of
gum), and will walk to the store (Actually he hates
gum he only wants to stare at the check-out girl and
pretend that she's naked).
Only life is not always that simple as Mr. Smith will
unfortunately find out. Today Mr. Smith will unwillingly
participate in a chess game between good and evil. In this
game Mr. Smith will be the green piece.. umm.. looks like a
mini-frisbee.. no wait that's scrabble... hmm... oh well all I
know is that I sucked it up with my vacuum. Anyhow, let us
7:00 PM - Mr. Smith starts his futile journey to the store
without a care in his head. The street he walks is bare
except for an occasional passing car, and damp from a
7:05 PM - As Mr. Smith observes the surroundings he passes by,
he notices two figures walking directly behind him. The
figures seem to be making weird motions. Mr. Smith shrugs
these worries off and continues to walk on.
7:13 PM - Mr. Smith notices that the figures have moved
closer. Now he can see their pale features and silly
looking get-ups. Mr. Smith walks a little faster and
7:16 PM - Mr. Smith steps into a dark alley in hopes that
the two figures will pass. This is Mr. Smiths first
7:20 PM - Hiding behind a trash can Mr. Smith watches with
horror as the two figures step into the alley. The first
one places his hands in the air as if pressing it. In only
a few seconds he frantically places his palm in every known
direction. It looks as if he is trapped in a box.
The second one crouches in an unnatural position and starts
to twirl his arms around and around as if he was rowing a
"Stop! Please! For the love of God!!" Mr. Smith screams.
But to no avail. The mimes have found an audience, and
they plan to use it fully.
7:30 PM - The mimes start an imaginary card game. Mr.
Smith yells for help until he becomes hoarse. And then
one of the mimes feels a wet drop. He jokingly pulls out
an imaginary umbrella. Both have an imaginary chuckle.
More drops fall. The second mime has a sudden twinge of
the chills. The drops don't feel like rain.
7:32 PM - What is a sprinkle in seconds turns into a
downpour. The mimes are now in dread. A confused Mr.
Smith unsure of what exactly is happening watches. And
then from out of nowhere is heard a cry.
"It's... Booka time!!"
Such an idiotic statement yet it finally reveals the mimes
They have read the headlines, heard the eye-witness reports.
Still they have never expected to witness such a demonic act in
all of their lives.
7:35 PM - The liquid forms almost a wall as it crushes the
mimes and everything else in the way. As the mimes die
they regret the evil lives they led and ask for forgiveness
It is too late.
7:48 PM - What remains of the fluid settles in the alley,
the rest flows silently into the gutters
A short green man appears to inspect the damage.
"Gee only one innocent bystander this time. My skills must
be improving." The dwarf like creature checks his victims
"Nice shoes," he says as he checks the pockets for
wallets. Finished with his work he disappears from the
scene. Only the bodies of the deceased remain.
6:50 AM - A patrol car pulls up to the alley. Two police
men walk out of the vehicle.
"Oh my Gaa..." the first officer utters as he takes a
glimpse of the havoc. "It's worse than I expect'd, Sarge!"
"Better get used to it, kid. This is Espanola, Net.Mexico --
the Armpit of the Looniverse," he says as he goes over towards
Sarge crouches down to inspect the corpses. "What do
ya spose happen'd Sarge??" Sarge dips his finger into
the slime and tests it with his tongue
"Saliva? You mean..??"
"Yep. Looks like another victim to that vigilante we've been
"What a horrible way to die."
"True. But for these monsters it's fitting. Maybe too
"You supp... support what this vigilante does?!"
"No. But sometimes I do when I see these thugs walking
down the street and knowing that I can't blow their heads
away. I... can't do anything about it!"
The year is 1995. (Well, okay. Actually it's 1993. But
1995 sounded a bit more dramatic.)
The place is Espanola, Net.Mexico.
Mimes, carsalesmen, lawyers, insurance salesmen, and other
fiends stalk the streets. No law (no legal one that is)
protects the citizens of Espanola. Only one being, who
calls himself the Slobbering Grue!, shields them from these
So if for some reason a short green guy in boxers tries to
sell you used shoes, remind yourself: Justice isn't free!
Arthur "God... 20 years..." Spitzer
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