GC: Correspondence From the Goddess #22: So You Think You're an Alien

[mrnelson007 at gmail.com]

And here we are. #22. I'm getting more regular about this, anyway!  Once my life settles down a bit I'm hoping to actually start commenting on more stories from other people again.  For now, as always, you can find more at http://goddesscorrespondence.tumblr.com






Yesterday I slipped off for a bit. Well, that makes it sound sneakier than it actually was. In reality, I just asked her to let me go somewhere and she agreed, and then I didn’t come back right away. I really probably shouldn’t have. I know she gets so protective of me. I just wanted to go and explore and enjoy myself, but she showed up and grabbed me and yelled at me. She was crying, although I don’t think she would ever admit it.

- Elana

Seriously, I try to be patient here. I know El probably gets tired of me looking over her shoulder constantly like this. I’m sure I’m overprotective as all hell or something. I admit it. Trying to do better, I swear. I try to give her privacy and let her be her own person. But I am not going to lose her again. That happened once before, and we all saw how well that ended, didn’t we? I just want to take care of her. For the first time in my life, I’m the one who can take care of her instead of the other way around. I just have to figure out the right boundaries, really.

Holy shit. I sound like a parent. I seriously sound like I’m her mom. Fuck. I don’t want to be a parent. To anyone, ever. I decided I didn’t want to have kids back in like elementary and never looked back once. I would be a terrible mother. God-awful. At this point I really just hope I don’t start seeing the rest of you as my children or something. That’s creepy, pretentious bullshit and I want no part in it.

Whatever. Anyway, back to the important stuff.

I didn’t really get a chance to talk to Elana for a couple of days. She was out doing things and - okay yeah I just didn’t want to talk to her about that. I was pretty sure how she was going to react and I didn’t want to deal with that for as long as humanly possible. So I spent a couple of days trying to compose my thoughts and figure out how to say it right.

And then I went and just decided to make myself crazy instead.

We were sitting at dinner and I finally just went for it. “So I was looking around on the internet and-”

“Always dangerous,” Elana commented between bites.

“Wow, welcome to twenty years ago. At least you know what the internet is, progress,” I smiled, shaking my head. “Anyway. I was on the big dangerous scary internet, right? And there’s this website, for, um… stuff. Not important. Anyway, point is, I saw an article about the old gods of Egypt being aliens, right?”

Elana sighed, putting her fork down to look at me. “Lydia, there were no gods back then. There’s only ever been one God, they made up all those.”

“Yeah, yeah, hallelujah amen. Look. I’m not saying they’re gods, okay? Relax. I’m just saying maybe there’s something to this aliens thing. Maybe there were aliens that visited, and they had crazy powers or something and that was why the Egyptians worshipped them.”

“I really don’t think-”

“Well, maybe you should, okay?” I was starting to get annoyed now, banging my fist on the table in frustration. By this point I really should have known better, but it was still a surprise when my fist plowed straight through, broken wood falling to my feet.

“Lydia! What are you doing!?” Elana stood, staring at the table, then over at me.

“Dammit, ow, fuck. Sorry. But isn’t that kind of the point? Normal people can’t do things like that! Maybe the Greek gods were like that too, you know?”I picked up the broken wood with my mind, floating it onto the table. “Or that. No one can do that normally!”

Elana looked at the table before sitting down again, relaxing a little. “So you think you’re an alien? Is that it? I suppose, maybe,” she stopped, thinking it over, then nodding her head slowly. “Well, that makes some sense I guess. Although don’t you think mom and dad would have noticed if their one daughter suddenly became two?”

“Good point, but, maybe there’s a… normal human Lydia on some other planet or something? Or fuck, maybe they have some kind of crazy super-tech fertilization laser, or hell, maybe mom or dad was an alien, who the hell knows? It makes more sense than me just being a perfectly normal human, you know?” I was starting to falter at this point, not sure of myself any longer. It was something to work with, which is more than I had before, but I knew it was a long shot. Still, whatever long shot it was, it was better than nothing. I had nothing at all before, just shrugs and hopeless feelings. Now at least I had something to cling to, something to start from. It felt good, and i wasn’t about to just give it up.

“Well, you’re right, that makes more sense than other things. I think it needs some work, but its a start. But that doesn’t answer the question of what you do next,” she pointed out, but at this point that was really just a minor hiccup in my thought process.

“You’re right. Which, actually, I’m glad you said that. That brings me to the other thing I wanted to talk about.” Well, shit. Here goes nothing. “So, I really want to go talk to those pharma guys again.”

“What? No. Why would you possibly want to do that? That is such a terrible idea. Honestly, Lydia, you really need to forget about them,” Elana shook her head, giving me her best motherly “no way” glare.

“What? They want to do some blood work, right? A DNA test and stuff. Then we’ll be able to tell if I have some kind of freaky space DNA or something. We can tell something anyway. More than we have right now.”

“Yeah, and then what? Aren’t you worried about what they might do with that? Let’s say you do have some kind of special never-before-seen DNA. Do you think they’re going to just throw it out? Especially not with your abilities. They’re going to study it and figure it out and see if they can use it somehow.”

“And so what? Why is that such a huge problem? Maybe they can do something good with it? Why do they have to be evil assholes? Couldn’t they just be looking for something that can help people? This is so weird for you. Normally you love everyone and trust everyone and now this is the one time that you can’t do that for whatever fucking reason. I’m trying to be more like you! Learn to like people and not jump on everything and actually give people a chance!” I stood up, heading for the door.

“Lydia, wait. Please, this is important. I understand that this is important to you but you can’t just go around telling everyone abo-”

“Shut up. Just fucking shut up, El. You don’t understand. You have no idea what it’s like. I’m some kind of freak. I’m some impossible girl who shouldn’t be able to do any of this and now everything I know is upside down and black is white and I have no fucking clue what anything means anymore. You just sit there and tell me that everything is going to be okay and sappy bullshit like that, and you know what? That doesn’t matter because right now I’m freaking the fuck out and I can’t just sit here and ignore it because I don’t know anything about myself and who I am. I don’t even know if I’m your sister anymore. I don’t know anything. And I can’t live my life not knowing who I am, what I am. I can’t just shrug and not wonder about these things the way you apparently can because you know who you are. You’re this perfect, flawless girl who never makes mistakes at anything. You’re sweet and kind and calm and friendly and everything you do works out and you just know the right thing to say or do and I don’t have any of that. And now I don’t even have being normal boring me. I have nothing. And I’m going to fix it!” I was starting to shout now, and normally I would be ashamed for screaming at her like that, but I didn’t care. I was angry, and I was venting at the closest person, even if she didn’t deserve it.

I had my hand on the doorknob when I felt her hand touch my shoulder. “Lydia. Where are you going?”

“I don’t know. Out.”

“Don’t go. Please. We can talk about this.”

“No. No more talking. I’m going to figure this out.”

“We just don’t want to be hasty.”

“Yeah well, maybe I do. Bye, El.”

And then I stepped out the door, with absolutely no idea where I was going. But that didn’t seem important all of a sudden. For once, I was doing something.

- Lydia