LNH/HCC: Devil Legion #1: The Tale of the Devil Dog!

Scott Eiler seiler at eilertech.com
Sat Aug 17 20:10:20 PDT 2013

What Has Gone Before:  The Devil Legion from Planet Hell is in 
Net.ropolis!  (Legion of Net.Heroes Volume 2 #56: Satan Wants His Spine 
Back!)  Some of them are going door to door as missionaries.  (Devil 
Missionaries from Planet Hell #1)  The others are exploiting their 
spiritual liberties to do what they will... within two limits.  They're 
confined to Net.ropolis, and their leader took an oath that they act as 

As their key to freedom, they brought a zombie devil dog.  The dog broke 
through spells against devil creatures on the way here.  No one's quite 
sure how.


November 1917:  On a dark and stormy night, the Flying Ace reports to 
Allied headquarters!

General:  "We have an important mission for you, Flying Ace.  The 
Germans are sending a naval zeppelin to reinforce their East African 
forces.  The airship is flying over Central Powers territory all the way 
to Arabia.  Your only chance to fight them over friendly ground will be 
in Tanganyika itself.  So, prepare to go to Africa!"

Flying Ace:  (salutes, and leaves)

General:  "Truly the Flying Ace has few words and much action."

So the Flying Ace has flown his Sopwith Camel from France to Italy, 
Libia, the Anglo-Egyptian Sudan, Kenia, and finally the English bases in 
the conquered part of Tanganyika.  Now, to strike the enemy!

But wait...  a python and a fierce leopard are snarling at him!  What is 
the Flying Ace to do?

The leopard yells,  "Arriba!"  A mariachi band plays in the distance.

... Huh?


Habanero the Fourth of July Miracle Cat found the devil dog in 
Net.ropolis.  He and his one companion confronted the intruder. 
"Arriba!  You call yourself a Miracle Pet!  *Where is your miracle?* 
Will you prove yourself the easy way?  Or are we going to stare at each 
other, fur bristling, and then leap at each other, clawing and 
scratching and biting, until one of us tastes BLOOD!  If your carcass 
still *has* blood, that is."

Parsnip the Christmas Miracle Maggot was with Habanero.  He'd come along 
because it was Miracle Holiday Pet Week, and Habanero told him it was a 
field trip.  He shrugged Yeesh.

But snarls came from outside the Miracle Pets!  Ghosts of a panther, a 
cheetah, and a hyena all came, dragging chains.  The panther spoke, "We 
are the Ghosts of the African Miracle Pets That Could Be!"

Habanero retorted, "No!  You are impostors, like this dead dog!  Africa 
is the land of *free jungle animals*!  Your species cannot be chained 
and *called* pets!"

"Oh?  Africans chain us and call us pets *all the time*."

Parsnip the Miracle Maggot shrugged, Whatever.  So Habanero shrugged and 
said, "Cualquier.  Now, why are you ghosts?  Whose jugular shall I 
pierce in deadly combat in retribution for your untimely deaths?"

"You would have to slash *your own* throat, house cat.  You threaten our 

"What?  This zombie devil dog *saved you*?"

"*Something* saved our ancestors years ago.  A flying warcraft kills 
them all, just to clear its landing field - unless *some* heroic pilot 
scares it off or shoots it down.  This creature wants to do that."

"He can *want*, but how can he *do*?"

"In our present state, we are dreams.  He *has* dreams.  Sometimes, 
dreaming *is doing*."

Parsnip shrugged.  He knew the power of dreams and stories.  He could 
feel the power of stories in the zombie devil dog.

But Habanero was not convinced.  "No!  It is wrong that you who *do not 
exist yet* judge him for what he *might* do!  Who will defend the 
holidays if we allow their defenders to be those who *might* defend them?"

But a chuckling and jingling noise grew from the sky.  A magic jet-ski 
was coming in for a landing!

Two men rode it.  The pilot was a jolly old man with white beard, red 
cheeks, Bermuda shorts, and a Hawaiian shirt.  He chuckled, "Silly 
kitty.  Holidays defend themselves!"

"*Kitty*?!?  Who are *you* to say this?  Or to govern holidays??"

"Ho ho!  You might know me as San Nicolas!"

"Santa?  *The* Santa?"

"Es verdad!  I'm on holiday, so to speak.  Ho ho ho, I *love* your 
Holiday Pet Week!  I love it so much, I brought a friend!  Meet my new 
elf, Zombie Woodrow Wilson!"  A decrepit old man (with major chest 
wounds) shambled off from the back of the jet ski.

Habanero scoffed.  "Now you are, how you say, pulling my leg!  Part of 
my Fourth of July Miracle Power is to know the history of *all* the U.S. 
Presidents, even beyond the grave!  I happen to know that even though 
Zombie Woodrow Wilson was raised by Lich Nixon in LNH Comics Presents 
#506, he lost his powers and his unlife when Nixon was defeated!"

"Ho ho ho!  Have you ever heard of a zombie that become *not* a zombie?"

"Asi, no."

"Well then.  I assure you, Zombie Woodrow Wilson went back to his grave 
as a zombie!  He slept there, for he had no master.  But I *woke him 
up*, so he could resume his command role!"  Santa turned to the zombie 
dog.  "Zombie World War One Flying Ace, *report to your zombie commander!*"


The President himself is there at the airbase, alongside the jungle 
creatures!  The Flying Ace salutes.  The President salutes back.

The President's python hisses, ".....!"

The Flying Ace understands!  He responds, "|||||!"

"....... ...., ...... ...!"

"||||| |||!"


Habanero turned to Parsnip.  "Are you *talking* to the zombie dog?"


"Ah, right.  What does he say?"

".. .... .....!"

Habanero said, "... Cualquier.  If Santa *and* Parsnip will vouch for 
you, I must now *admit* you, Limabean the Richthofen's Birthday Miracle 

The ghost panther said, "Good.  You may see us again.  Look for 
Bloodfruit the Miracle Panther."  The ghost jungle Miracle Pets faded away.

Habanero shrugged.  "I suppose the ghosts can pick their holiday when 
they return.  But as for *you*, Zombie Miracle Beagle, you must complete 
your work on Earth *this week* and then return to your resting place 
until your holiday comes!"

Parsnip translated, ".. .... ... ... .. ....!"



The President's python advisor says, the Flying Ace will get down time 
after this mission!  The other jungle creatures back away.

The Flying Ace launches his Sopwith Camel for one last mission before 
he's off to his Holiday Hangar.  Let the Germans beware!



At the makeshift warehouse headquarters of the Devil Legion, Devil Ass 
Boy fumed - in the manner of the Devil's Ass itself.  He stank of 
brimstone.  Devil Ear Girl squirmed.

Devil Ass Boy exclaimed, "We need the beast to break the barrier again! 
  Where *is* that damned dog?"

"No one's seen him lately!"

"Well, *yeah*.  We don't *have* the *Eye* of Satan here.  What have you 

"There are some rumors that the Risen Beast became a *true* holiday pet 
by the laws of this universe."

"What the Hell does *that* mean?"

"He'll next appear on his holiday.  May 2, 2014.  And we won't know 
where, until it happens."



Author's Notes:

I find myself with magical extra time to write stories, even with 
Powernaut 2005 Party 'Til The World Obeys in full swing. 
(http://www.eilertech.com/stories/powernaut/2005b.htm ) So, the devil 
dog of the Devil Legion returns!  That's what RACC gets for declaring a 
challenge about Super Pets...

I needed a concept in addition to Super Pets to get this story moving. 
So I brought out Plot Thread 2013b.40 from my personal generator:  World 
War I in East Africa.  The zeppelin mission is actual history, at least 
if you trust Wikipedia. 
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/East_African_Campaign_(World_War_I)  ... 
The zeppelin was scared away before completing its mission.

I researched what Africans consider to be pets.  Apparently Africans 
will chain *anything* and call it a pet!  That actually explains some 
old Kraven the Hunter comics.

Heh, this challenge got some LNH'y discussion of Holiday Pets going. 
After much discussion it was decided that all Holiday Pets may team up, 
for one week in August which roughly corresponds to this High Concept 
Challenge.  Habanero the Fourth of July Cat was always important to the 
story.  I've decided to put in Parsnip the Christmas Maggot too, thanks 
Arthur.  I love that Parsnip and Limabean both speak Woodstock-ese.  I 
could tell you *most* of what they're saying, but that would break the 
Mystery of the Miracle Pets.  You probably get the idea anyway.

I hope I have properly carried on the stories of the various characters 
involved.  We have here:

*  Limabean the Richtofen's Birthday Miracle Beagle:  Scott Eiler, 
inspired by Charles Schulz.  Free For Use, but you may have to wait 
until Richtofen's Birthday now.

*  Habanero the Fourth of July Miracle Cat:  RACC-Con 2012 (I can look 
up which of us technically created him, but then all of us fleshed out 
the concept)

*  Parsnip the Christmas Miracle Maggot:  Arthur Spitzer

*  LNH Santa!  I believe he was adapted by Arthur Spitzer, so as to be 
strapped to a nuclear warhead for the holidays.  Yay, Arthur!

*  Zombie Woodrow Wilson:  Rob Rogers

(signed) Scott Eiler  8{D> -------- http://www.eilertech.com/ ---------

When you *are* the leader... whatever goes wrong... whether you did it
or not... *you* are held responsible. - Barack Obama

I know. - Archie Andrews

- from Archie #617, March 2011, scripted by Alex Simmons.

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