LNH: LNH Comics Presents #509: 'Beige Midnight #12 Comes -- TOMORROW!!!'
arspitzer at earthlink.net
Mon Sep 24 21:10:21 PDT 2012
When the mad Dr. Killfile threatened to destroy the
Internet -- THEY answered the call! Today, THEIR strange
and mighty powers are our last, best line of defense
against crime, disaster, and unspeakable horror! THEY are
our knights in shining spandex... the LEGION OF NET.HEROES!
[Cover: There is a huge billboard near the top of the cover. On the
bottom, several innocent bystanders run screaming away from the
billboard trying to escape the cover. Various cars also try to escape
the cover. The Billboard reads, 'Beige Midnight #12 Comes -- TOMORROW!!!']
September 25th, 2012 --
Traffic was bad. Building Suspense Lad zoomed his way past cars and
trucks on his motorcycle. He had to get to the LNHHQ. He watched tons
of innocent bystanders panicking in the streets. Various store windows
were broken and people were looting stuff. Building Suspense Lad
thought about stopping the looters, but no -- he had to get to the
LNHHQ. He had to get there at all costs.
As he zoomed by the stuck traffic -- people who were trying there best
to leave Net.ropolis, he saw the thing that had triggered this mass
panic. He saw the Billboard. The billboards that were everywhere in
Here it was. The Legion of Net.Headquarters. Building Suspense Lad
zoomed his way across the front lawn and up the stairs. The Glass
Doors! No time to wait for them to open. And Building Suspense Lad
crashed threw the plate glass door and zoomed past Fred the Receptionist
(who was reading a magazine).
No Time! No Time! Got to get there! Got to get there!
Get there Before it happens. Before it is too late!
He had to get there because...
**** **** ****
LEGION OF NET.HEROES COMICS PRESENTS #509:
'Beige Midnight #12 Comes -- TOMORROW!!!'
By Arthur Spitzer
**** **** ****
<<Beige Midnight #12 is coming tomorrow. Today and All day me and my
panel of Super Experts will discuss what this means for you -- and how
the LNH is to blame!>> MacLaughlin Man gazed into the TV camera with a
super serious expression. <<Today! On the MacLaughlin Man News Network!>>
The Ultimate Ninja watching from one of the many screens in the LNH TV
screen room rolled his eyes. "This Bozo has his own TV Network? What
is wrong with this world?"
<<But first,>> continued MacLaughlin Man. <<I'd like to introduce our
first guest -- you might not know him, but you definitely knew his
father. His father was a great man, a great writer, philosopher, a man
of hope, of dreams, who battled with the forces of evil every day to
make this world a better place, and won a Nobel Peace Prize for his
efforts. He appeared on this show numerous times and he was a very good
friend of mine. Alas he passed away before his time. Murdered by that
cowardly homicidal maniac who calls himself the Ultimate Ninja. But he
had a son. And today I'd like to introduce his son. The son of
wReamicus Maximus. I'd like you to give a big hand for -- wReamicus
Maximus Jr.!!!>> The TV audience clapped wildly and hooted and hollered
as a young 20 somethingish man stepped onto the stage.
<<Thank you. Thank you,>> said wReamicus Maximus Jr. <<For that very
kind introduction. My Father spoke very highly of you and I'm glad
you've allowed me this forum to speak to the world.>>
The Ultimate Ninja stared at the screen and studied the body language of
this wReamicus Maximus Jr. "That's no son. That's him. That's
wReamicus Maximus. It has to be."
wReamhack did a fast search on the Net. "Well, there are records for a
wReamicus Maximus Jr. existing. I've got a birth certificate here."
"I don't care -- It's him."
"Well, they could be fakes I suppose. You think it's a clone? Brain swap?"
"I don't know. But it is him."
<<So, what about this Beige Midnight #12 coming out -- I guess it's
supposed to be posted at exactly Midnight. What is going to happen when
it gets posted?>> asked MacLaughlin Man.
<<I'm afraid it will be the end,>> said wReamicus Maximus Jr. with a
grim look on his face.
<<Yes, the end of everything. After Midnight, two forces of destruction
known as the Bryttle Brothers shall destroy all of creation. Nothing
can or will stop them.>>
<<I see. These Bryttle Brothers -- they're members of the LNH I take it?>>
<<And there is no hope?>>
<<I didn't say that,>> said wReamicus Maximus Jr. with a smile on his
face. <<No, there is hope. Hope for us all. For I bring good news
today. And that news is that Dave doesn't want us to die a horrible,
horrible ghastly very nasty, nasty death to the hands of the Bryttles.
No, he doesn't. No, Dave wants to save us. Save each and everyone of
us! Yes, tonight at exactly Midnight the Hand of Dave shall scoop up
every single person who believes in Dave and transport them all to --
<<Looniverse Dave? What's that?>>
<<It is a beautiful, magical place! A place of wonder! A place of
rainbows! A place where everyone is absurdly rich -- and everyone has a
really big mansion and really big yacht. A place where all food tastes
great and is incredibly healthy! A place where we are all great looking
and all too sexy for our shirts -- so sexy it hurts! A place where we
have both great teeth and great hair! A place where we are all stars of
our own series -- series, which are all written by Dave himself!! And
we all live in perfect love and harmony with one another on Looniverse
<<That sounds like a wonderful place. And all you have to do to get
there is believe in Dave?>>
<<Well, it's not that simple. I mean anyone can say they believe in
Dave -- but maybe they don't really mean it. No, to truly believe in
Dave there needs to be sacrifice.>>
<<Yes, sacrifice. Specifically, a $58.50 donation to the Church of the
Dvandom -- or you can send it to me -- wReamicus Maximus Jr.
Whichever. And with that donation, you can be assured that you will be
scooped up at Midnight and escape the upcoming onslaught tomorrow!>>
"Unbelievable," said the Ultimate Ninja still watching the program.
"Does he really think that there's anyone stupid enough to..."
"Say, UN," said wReamhack checking his wallet. "Could I borrow 56 dollars?"
The Ultimate Ninja just stared at wReamhack.
"I mean it's not for that -- it's for something completely different.
Yeah, different! I was just wondering..." The Ultimate Ninja continued
to stare at wReamhack. "Okay, okay. I was just joking -- don't really
need 56 bucks. Hah, hah -- joke -- just a joke," gulped wReamhack as he
sheepishly put away his wallet.
<<Wow. Only $58.50? That's quite a deal for the salvation of
Looniverse Dave. Still," continued MacLaughlin Man. <<I have heard
that the Church of Fourth Wall only charges $4 to become a member.>>
<<Hah!>> snorted wReamicus Maximus Jr. <<Of course they only charge 4
dollars. They're a cult -- not a legitimate religion like the Church of
the Dvandom. Still, Dave sees nothing wrong with hedging your bets. So
if you want to donate $58.50 to the Church of the Dvandom and another $4
to *ahem* that cult, be my guest.>>
<<But what about those poor souls who don't have $58.50? What will
become of them?>>
<<Ah, well not only can you donate for yourself -- you can also donate
for others! In fact you can give the Church of Dvandom as much money as
you want and save these poor unfortunate souls. I mean, heck, you could
give your entire life savings if you wanted. I mean it's not like it
will be worth anything when the Bryttle Brothers destroy the entire
Looniverse -- so you might as well give it all to the Church of the
Dvandom! In fact, let's bring out the orphans!>>
A MacLaughlin Man intern brought out a group of kids dressed in rags.
wReamicus Maximus Jr. gave the group a look of pity. And then he looked
into the camera. <<Are you going to just let the Bryttles kill all of
these poor tykes? Or are you going to save them -- and help send them
to Looniverse Dave where they can finally have snazzy clothes -- as well
as loving parents! It's up to you! Donate now! Save these kids!
Let's put the number on the screen for people to call and donate money!
And let's save these kids!>>
"I can't watch anymore of this." The Ultimate Ninja clicked off the TV.
"wReamhack, do what ever you can to make sure that all of the money
goes back to the stupid morons who donated it."
"But -- what if he's right?"
The Ultimate Ninja stared again at wReamhack.
"Just kidding! Just kidding! I'll do my best!" wReamhack averted his
eyes from the Ninja's gaze and began hacking his way into the Church of
Dvandom bank accounts.
**** **** ****
The LNH Big Meeting Room --
"Okay, as we all know -- Beige Midnight #12 is going to be posted
tomorrow," said the Ultimate Ninja looking at the various heroes in the
"Yeah," said Bad Judgment Boy with a smug look. "Like that's going to
happen. Man, I just bet my whole life's savings on that it doesn't get
posted tomorrow! Man, I'm going to be so rich tomorrow it won't be funny!"
"Anyway," said the Ultimate Ninja ignoring Bad Judgment Boy. "What I'm
asking is -- does this really matter? Haven't we already dealt with this?"
"Well, technically we don't know what happened in Beige Midnight #12.
So, anything could possibly happen," said Dr. Stomper wiping his eye
glasses with his shirt.
"But it was set in 2008 and we're way past that!" said Ultimate Ninja.
"Actually," said Occultism Kid. "That might not be true."
"What do you mean by that?" The Ultimate Ninja looked straight at
"Well, back in Beige Midnight when I was doing that spell with the Book
of Deus ex Machinas -- the Book told me some things. And one of those
things was that Beige Midnight might not all take place in 2008. Some
of it could possibly be set in years after 2008. Maybe even this year."
"Why didn't you tell us about this?" asked the Ultimate Ninja.
"I was kind of hoping that the Book was lying. After the Clocktower and
the Bryttles disappeared and the color returned to the Looniverse, I
figured maybe that was it. I mean there's no way that the Bryttles
could possibly slaughter all of those Looniverses. No way. It's just
not possible. It can't happen."
"Nothing is impossible," said Dr. Stomper. "The Bryttles did have
access to unimaginable power."
"So, it's possible that they could come tomorrow?" asked Ultimate Ninja.
Dr. Stomper nodded. "It is within the realm of possibilities."
"Then we need to start preparing for that possibility. Do we still have
visual access to the Alternate Looniverse that's ahead of us in the
Bryttle Buffer Zone [The Bryttle Buffer Zone is the countless Alternate
Looniverses that exist between our Looniverse and the one that Occultism
Kid stuck the Bryttles on -- Footnote Girl]?" The Ultimate Ninja looked
at Multi-Tasking Man.
Multi-Tasking Man shook his head. "The feed to that Alternate
Looniverse died back in 2008 -- guess I could try to see if I can get it
hooked up again."
The Ultimate Ninja nodded. "Do that. We need to start calling in the
reserves and whatever non-LNH heroes there are. And possibly villains
too. Meeting Over."
**** **** ****
Occultism Kid's room --
Occultism Kid gazed into a crystal ball he had. He was watching some
kid who was playing around on the internet. He looked at the kid and
then the vision vanished. And the crystal ball was empty.
If the Bryttles had managed to destroy all those Looniverses -- all of
those LNH's -- nothing this LNH could do could possibly stop them.
Nothing. This Looniverse was doomed. Except there was one thing -- one
person -- one kid that could stop them. The Book of Deus ex Machinas
had showed him this kid. This kid named Frank C. Kerry. All that was
needed was a Freedom Chip. A Freedom Chip to be put in his brain. And
that would give the kid powers. Powers that would finally destroy the
Bryttle Brothers. Destroy them once and for all. The Book of Deus ex
Machinas had showed him this. Of course the kid woudn't survive the use
of powers. He'd be dead too.
Occultism Kid had created the vast Bryttle Buffer Zone as an alternative
to killing the kid. That was supposed to stop the Bryttles from
destroying this Looniverse. But what if it hadn't worked? What if they
were coming tomorrow?
The image of the kid reappeared in crystal ball. And if the Bryttles
came tomorrow -- he would have no choice. The kid would have to die.
Occultism Kid looked away from the crystal ball.
**** **** ****
Fearless Leader's Room --
Fearless Leader had stopped by his room for a few things. It was going
to be another long night from the looks of it.
Damn it. Beige Midnight.
Why did they have to deal with this again?
He had tried his best to erase that period away from his mind. To
forget about it all. And now it was all coming back. All the damn
All of them.
He looked at his desk drawer. And he opened it up. There was a photo.
He looked at the photo. It was a photo of Ripping Dancer and himself
fighting Vampire Cows [See LNH vII #24 for more vampire cow action --
He looked at that photo for what seemed forever.
His finger lightly brushed the photo.
And then put the photo back in a very gentle manner. And he shut the
No time to think about the past. Got work to do.
Need to get ready for whatever happens.
When Midnight comes.
**** **** ****
The Big Screen Room --
The Ultimate Ninja looked at Big Screen on the wall. On the screen was
a costumed supervillain -- wearing armor all over his body and a
greenish cloak and outfit over the armor. Even though an iron mask
covered the face of this villain, he could sense a smile.
"Well, the Ultimate Ninja! What do I owe this pleasure?" said the man
known to the world as -- Mr. Homage.
"Homage," said the Ultimate Ninja with absolute contempt in his voice.
"As you may have heard -- it is possible that the Bryttle Brothers will
be coming tomorrow..."
"Yes, I've heard the news reports. And I take you want my help?" There
was glee in Mr. Homage's voice. "You want me to perhaps loan you some
of my East Coast Brotherhood of Net.Villains members for this great
battle? Well, sure -- I could do that -- well, for a cost of course..."
"Of course. And that is?"
"Well, let's see here. I'm not going to be greedy. Just a little
thing. A very little thing. In fact -- this could be very favorable
for the LNH. You know how expensive it is for the LNH to fight crime
outside of the Loonited States. Very costly. Here's what I'm offering
you -- you can have all of my members for this fight and here's all I
ask. I want free reign for the Brotherhood outside of the Loonited
States -- no interference by the LNH (or LNH affiliated teams like LNH
Europe) for any Brotherhood activity outside the States. Of course if
my members commit crimes in the States then -- please feel free to jail
them. But free reign outside everywhere else."
The Ultimate Ninja snorted. "That will happen -- in your dreams,
Homage. But never while I'm in charge of the LNH. Try again."
"Well, I thought we were going to be reasonable here. But if you're
going to dismiss my best offer..."
"Well, I guess that ends that. End Trans--"
"Hmm. Wait -- you're not going tell me your offer?"
"I don't see the point. Since we already made a deal with Lagneto -- we
probably don't need your Brotherhood anyway. End..."
"Wait! Lagneto? He made a deal with you?"
"Yes. And it's a shame -- was planning on offering you a better deal --
since I always preferred you to Lagneto. Oh well."
"End Transmission." And the Big Screen went black.
"We made a deal with Lagneto?" asked Cheesecake Eater Lad with a shocked
look on his face.
The Ultimate Ninja shook his head. "Not yet. He's our next contact
though. Bring him on screen."
**** **** ****
The LNH Med Lab --
Building Suspense Lad opened his eyes. Where was he? He sat up and
winced in pain.
"Easy there Champ!" said Dr. Bad-Bedside-Manner with a big needle in his
hand. "You need to rest."
"You slammed your motorcycle into one of the walls while riding like a
maniac through the LNHHQ hallways. Genius move that. Anyway, you got
various injuries -- none too serious -- and went into a slight coma --
which it looks like you're out of."
And then Building Suspense Lad remembered something. "Wait. What time
"Hmm? Oh." Dr. Bad-Bedside-Manner looked at his watch. "About five
till Midnight -- give or take."
"No! I'm too late." Building Suspense Lad hopped out of his bed. "Got
to get there -- get there before -- before..."
"You know -- you probably shouldn't be doing that," warned Dr.
Bad-Bedside-Manner. "But hey -- what do I know?"
Ignoring him, Building Suspense Lad ran out into the hallway.
Got to get there...
**** **** ****
Building Suspense Lad made his way to a door. And he tried to open it.
Locked! Why did it have to be locked? He tried to open it again.
Still locked! And then he began pounding on the door. "Someone!
Anyone! Open this door!!"
And the door opened. "Hey there, Building Suspense Lad!" said the LNH'r
known as Leaping Nacho Hurter who was munching on some nachos. "What's
up?" Standing next to him was the LNH'r known as Goggles Guy who was
just kind of standing around.
Building Suspense Lad looked at the room. It was filled with LNH'rs.
And all the seats were filled. He was too late. Much too late! There
were no more seats. He would have to stand. Damn, thought Building
Suspense Lad to himself, I hate standing!
And all of the heroes in the room were looking at Multi-Tasking Man who
was repeatedly hitting the reload button to refresh both
rec.arts.comics.creative and alt.comics.lnh (as well as doing various
other tasks such as Nachocize, seeing how many LNH dice he could stack
on each other before they collapsed (so far he was up to 58), printing
out a copy of 'Cheesecake Midnight' (which now had the title '50 Shades
of Cheesecake'), and playing Net.Trek).
The Ultimate Ninja stood behind Multi-Tasking Man with his Ginsu Katana
in one hand and a Ninja Bush in the other hand. And he gazed intently
at the screen that showed all of the most recent posts for
rec.arts.comics.creative and alt.comics.lnh. And he waited.
And they all waited. They waited for it to come.
They all held their breath waiting -- and waiting.
And the clock near the ceiling got closer and closer to Midnight.
They waited for the last issue as the seconds ticked away.
The last issue of Beige Midnight.
Beige Midnight #12.
**** **** ****
To be continued in --
Beige Midnight #12
'The Last LNH Story'
**** **** ****
Thanks to Saxon and Andrew for their comments on the LNH Authors Group...
Intro - Rob Rogers
Building Suspense Lad - Arthur Spitzer
MacLaughlin Man - wReam
Ultimate Ninja - wReam
wReamicus Maximus Jr. - Arthur Spitzer (inspired by the wReam creation)
wReamhack - wReam
Bad Judgment Boy - Arthur Spitzer
Dr. Stomper - T.M. Neeck
Occultism Kid - Josh Geurick
Multi-Tasking Man - Jeff Coleburn
Footnote Girl - Saxon Brenton
Fearless Leader - Dave Van Domelen
Mr. Homage - Drizzt
Dr. Bad-Bedside-Manner - The Tick
Leaping Nacho Hurter - Arthur Spitzer & Wil Alambre
Goggles Guy - Arthur Spitzer & Wil Alambre
Did you think that just because Beige Midnight was supposed to end way
back in 2008 that because there have been a number of stories set after
2008 -- that the LNH was safe? That there was no possible way that
Beige Midnight could possibly end the LNH once and for all? Did you?
Did you!? Well, then guess again.
Because tomorrow it comes! Beige Midnight #12!! The Last LNH Story!!!!!
Or this all could just be a glorified hype post for an issue that
doesn't actually end the LNH.
As for whether wReamicus Maximus Jr. is actually the son of wReamicus
Maximus or maybe is actually a younger version of wReamicus Maximus,
I'll leave that to others to decide.
wReamicus Maximus Jr is Free For Use so do what thou wilt.
Arthur "Glorified..." Spitzer
More information about the racc