LNH: Easily-Discovered Man #54

[Andrew Perron]

On Monday, September 24, 2012 12:36:41 PM UTC-4, EDMLite wrote:
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
>     Doused with microwave radiation, Theodore Wong gained the
> ability to glow and be detected at great distances by anyone
> with a Geiger counter.  Forced to retire, Wong has left former
> sidekick Lite to continue his battle against the forces of
> corruption, chaos and common sense, and to carry on the
> legacy of the fabulous EASILY-DISCOVERED MAN.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------

Let loose the cry of joyous cheer, Easily-Discovered Man now is here!

>      Rather than answer these questions, however, "The
> Adventures of Easily-Discovered Man"  would like to ask
> a few of its own -- so that we may continue to provide
> our readers with the timely, thought-provoking-yet-
> whimsical entertainment they have come to expect.
> In other words, it's time for...
> 
>      THE EASILY-DISCOVERED MAN'S READERS' POLL

Ooooooooh.

>      1). My favorite character in "The Adventures of
>      Easily-Discovered Man" is:
> 
>      a. Easily-Discovered Man
>      b. Easily-Discovered Man Lite
>      c. Cynical Lass
>      d. Zombie James K. Polk



>      2). My favorite antagonist of EDM and company is:
> 
>      a. The Waffle Queen
>      b. Mynabird
>      c. There are antagonists?  I thought everyone just
>      walked around making jokes.

Well, the Ultimate Ninja will certainly be your antagonist if you make the kinds of joke EDML tries for...

>      d. Whatever it is that keeps the author from posting
>      more than once or twice a year.

More like least favorite. >:/

>      3). During the next year, I'd like to see Easily-
>      Discovered Man...
> 
>      a. In a cross-over with "Axe Cop."
>      b. Killed, and brought back as a murderous zombie.
>      Because that's good comics!
>      c. ...at all, though that seems increasingly
>      unlikely, given the current storyline.
>      d. As more than just a friend, if you know what I
>      mean...

e. All of the above

>      4). The one thing I feel that's been missing from
>      this series is...
> 
>      a. Any sense that the plot threads will be resolved.
>      b. All the fun we had together during the Clinton
>      administration.
>      c. Sex.
>      d. The series itself.

g. None of the above

>      5). I'd really like to see Lite end up with...
> 
>      a. Cynical Lass
>      b. Aurora "Screen Saver" Jones
>      c. Penelope Laine
>      d. Dessica

q. Frat Boy

>      "Well, yeah," I said.  "I mean, you have noticed that
> we're having this conversation within one of those weird
> little vignettes that opens every episode, right?"

I thought that was a bit weird. `-`

>      "How is it my choice?" I asked.  "We are what we are.
> A doorknob can't suddenly decide to be a player piano
> because it doesn't like being a doorknob."
> 
>      "A doorknob can't decide anything," Cynical Lass said,
> her fingers slowly moving up my arms.  "Since when have you
> ever let the world tell you what to do?"

Man, this scene is great. <3 With both the inspiring and the creepy.

>      "And you... you're... you're NOT DEAD!"
> 
>      My eyes snapped open.  For one horrible moment I saw
> the animated corpse in front of me, hands like cold earth
> closed around my neck, lifeless yellow eyes rolled back in
> its head.  I could hear something that sounded like Penelope
> screaming, but the sound was low and muffled, like someone
> speaking slowly under water.

*shivers*

>      My fingers brushed against its edge and I grabbed
> the spatula's handle just as the zombie lurched forward.
> 
>      It lunged.
> 
>      I rolled, then whipped around, driving the spatula
> with both hands into the creature's back leg like I was
> swinging a baseball bat.  Something in the leg gave, and
> the zombie went down.

AND good action. Jeez man. >:/

>      I may have been screaming something myself.

Such a perfect line!

>      "What we need," Penelope said, "is coffee."
> 
>      That was the last thing either of us said during the
> long walk and short drive back to the restaurant.

*siiiiiiiiiigh* <3

>      Why had one of the zombies looked -- in a way that
> would be sure to haunt my nightmares for months -- exactly
> like Substitute Lad?

Shudder. @.@

>      "Hec..." Penelope began, then stopped.  "Do YOU
> ever feel 'just a little bit tingly' when using your
> spatula?"
> 
>      "Well," I said, "maybe just a little.  But only..."

Ohhhhh my.

>      "Hector, you idiot," she said.  "You think I'm upset
> because we ran into a couple of zombies?  I WAS a zombie!
> Most of the girls I graduated with were zombies.  It was
> something we bonded over during our senior year."
> 
>      "You have an unusually resilient peer group," I said.



>       "No," she said.  "We talked about how lucky we were
> to have been turned into zombies... and to have run into
> you and Easily-Discovered Man, instead of some idiot with
> a shotgun who thought the only way to deal with zombies
> was to shoot them in the head."

Oh, snap. <3 <3 <3

>      "Then you show up here this morning," she said, "so
> full of yourself and how much you know about being a
> super-hero... and then we run into those poor dead guys
> in the barn -- some of whom are people I used to know,
> by the way -- and it's like someone flipped a switch
> inside you, and you've become this zombie-killing machine."

Maaaaaaan. Yes, very good critique.

>      "But... but..." I sputtered.  "But those are a bunch
> of... living corpses..."
> 
>      "Who aren't doing anything but hanging around an empty
> barn, keeping people away from what you pointed out may be
> some highly sophisticated and dangerous equipment,"
> Penelope said.

Hm! A point I wouldn't have thought of!

>      I stared at Penelope, wondering how it was that super-
> 
> villains, thugs, ghouls and robots never seemed to get the
> 
> drop on me, but women always did.

It's mostly that your author is quite good at writing intelligent female characters.

>      "True," she said.  "But it's important -- literally a
> matter of life and death -- that you understand that's what
> you are, Hector, and that being just an ordinary guy is
> all you'll ever need to be.  Because one of these days
> you're going to find yourself up against something you can't
> punch, or kick, or joke your way out of.  And when that
> happens, the super-hero in you is going to freeze.
> 
>      "But the ordinary guy is going to kick some ass,"
> she added.  "If you let him."

Interesting. Not sure I understand it, mind.
 
>      I arrived in Net.ropolis with a powerful ache in my
> neck -- the result of fourteen hours on the bus in a series
> of unfortunate positions -- and a firm resolve to make
> something better of myself, to take things just a little
> more seriously and behave, for once, as an adult.
> 
>      Both conditions evaporated within twenty-eight
> seconds of my leaving the bus.

Londonbroil seems to be a pretty good chiropractor!

>     NEXT ISSUE: Lite discovers that you really can go home
> again -- but when half the city is doing its best to kill
> you, you probably shouldn't.  With no friend left to turn
> to, Lite looks to his foes, and the friends of his foes,
> and the foes of his friends for help in a tale our focus
> group suggested we call "Enemies with Benefits."

Dun dun da! <3

Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, jikai!