LNH: Beige Midnight #11: The Week Before the End (3/3)
arspitzer at earthlink.net
Fri Sep 21 09:32:31 PDT 2012
Monday the 28th --
The Easy Chair Room -- LNHHQ --
"...And now he has to take these special pills that Dr. Stomper gave him
-- so it can grow back to its original size," said Frat Boy leaning back
in his easy chair.
"Oh, that's harsh!" said Easily-Discovered Man Lite wincing a little.
"Special pills? How long is it going to take to grow back?"
Frat Boy shrugged his hands.
"Where is he anyways?" asked Easily-Discovered Man Lite looking around
"He and wifey headed over to Europe yesterday -- Paris, I think. Should
be a lovely second Honeymoon," said Sarcastic Lad with a snort of laughter.
"Oh man!" said Late-Nite Lad breaking up in laughter. "A Microscope! A
Microscope! I get it now!"
"Whoahh there, Lightning," said Sarcastic Lad. "Try not to run us all
over with those hyper-speed joke getting skills of yours!"
Late Nite Lad gave Sarcastic Lad the finger.
"Man, I miss this," said Lite taking a swig from a bottle of Mr.
Paprika. "The laughter and stuff. We haven't had a lot of that in the
past year or so. Just mostly gloom and doom. Waiting for the Bryttles
-- to destroy us all -- and all that jazz."
And silence flooded the room. Not even Sarcastic Lad could muster a,
'Hey, Lite! Thanks for reminding us we're all going to die!' Just
silence. The heroes just gazed into the labels of their beers and soda
pops and no one could think of anything to say.
And then Frat Boy got up out of his easy chair. Holding his beer bottle
tightly in his hand, he looked at everyone in the room. "Over? Did you
say, 'Over'? Nothing is over. Nothing! Was it over when the Germans
bombed 'Pearl Harbor'? Was it?! Hell no!!"
"Umm," Nit-Pick Lad started to say.
"No, Nit-Pick Lad," said Sarcastic Lad halting Nit-Pick Lad's correction
with his hand. "You never ever interrupt Frat Boy when he's stealing
lines from 'Animal House'. Never. Ever. Go on, Frats!"
"It's not over! It's never over! It wasn't over then -- and it's --
umm..." Frat Boy took a long pause.
"Not over now," coughed Sarcastic Lad.
"Right -- not over now! And when the tough get going -- the umm -- well
something happens! And that's what's important! Now, who's with me?!
I said, 'Who's with me?'"
Various puzzled expressions came from the various heroes in the room.
"Maybe you should tell them your plan," hinted Sarcastic Lad.
"Oh, right! Plan! Oh yeah! Here's what's going to happen! One Word!
One Single Word! Toga. Party. Toga! Party! TOGA PARTY!!!"
And Frat Boy started shouting Toga Party over and over again. And
everyone joined him. "Toga Party!! Toga Party!! Toga Party!!" And
they all rushed out of the room shouting it loudly through out the halls
of the LNHHQ.
"Actually," said Nit-Pick Lad, "Those are two words."
**** <<--BM-->> ****
The Self-Righteous Preacher's room --
The Preacher was stretched out on his bed as he read the Book of
Revelations section of his bible. And then he felt a tingling in his
head. His blasphemy and debauchery senses were tingling like crazy!
And then he heard a loud ruckus coming from the hallway. People were
shouting something. Something that sounded like -- toga? Toga Party?
No! Never! Self-Righteous Preacher slammed his bible shut and grabbed
a cross off of his nightstand. And he made his way towards the door.
Not on his watch. Not on his watch!
**** <<--BM-->> ****
"You're not going to stop it?" said Self-Righteous Preacher with
outraged shock in his voice. "Are you telling me you're just going
stand by and let this depraved orgy of wickedness happen?"
"It's just a Toga Party," said Fearless Leader sitting behind the
Ultimate Ninja's desk.
"Just a -- just a...?" said the Preacher with even more shock. "Do you
even know what the word Toga means?"
"Hmm. Some type of garment they used to wear in Ancient Rome?"
"Garment? Garment!! You fool! It is a godless drug and sex orgy!!
That's what it means!! That's what Toga means!!" the Preacher spat back.
"Uhuh. Look, Preacher. Your objection to this Toga Party is duly
noted. And now if you don't have any..."
"How in Heaven's Name can you let this abomination happen -- and on they
day before our great battle?"
"Look. We've been training and working our butts off (pardon my
language) all this week in preparing for the Bryttles. One day of rest
and relaxation will be good for morale."
"Morale!? You Fool! We should be praying! Praying to Our Father Who
Art in Heaven -- to give us the strength to destroy this Evil that will
wake Tomorrow! That's what we should be doing!!"
"If you want to hold some type of service today, I'd have no problem
with you doing..."
"No!! This Toga Party must not be!! And if you won't stop this sin
filled atrocity from taking place -- then I must take matters into my
own hands!!" And with that the Preacher stormed out of the office
slamming the door behind him.
Fearless Leader popped open his aspirin bottle and swallowed another pill.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
"And more balloons!" said Catalyst Lass as List Lad scribbled stuff onto
"Umm, Cat," said Frat Boy. "I don't think Toga Parties need balloons."
"Fratty, Fratty," said Catalyst Lass shaking her head while grinning.
"What am I going to do with you, Silly? Everything needs balloons!
That's like some Great Cosmic Law! I mean just ask Kid Kirby -- he'll
tell you. Oh and noise makers! We need noise makers!"
"Uhuh," said Frat Boy looking at List Lad. "Just make sure to get every
single brand of booze that they have..."
"And duct tape," said Sarcastic Lad twirling an empty roll of duct tape
on his finger. "The Preacher thinks we need some more duct tape. I
mean I tried to talk him out of it. Alas, I think he might have a duct
tape addiction problem -- but hey -- who am I to judge? You know as
Gamer Boy used to say -- judge not lest ye be judged -- and all that.
Words to live by."
And right in one of the corners of the room was the Preacher. Totally
wrapped up from head to toe in tons of duct tape. Only his eyes were
uncovered -- his very, very angry eyes. Occasionally he would shake and
twist in rage. And make various muffled threatening noises.
"And duct tape," said List Lad jotting it down onto the list.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
"Knock, knock," said Catalyst Lass opening the door to Hooded Ho`'od
Win's room. "Anyone home?"
<(I'm here. Like always,)> said Hooded Ho`'od Win clicking the Best
Body Slams of Pro-Wrestling dvd off that she had been watching.
"Like my new outfit?" said Catalyst Lass twirling her toga clad body around.
<(Ah, interesting. For the Toga Party, I presume?)>
"I've got one for you too!" Catalyst Lass took out a toga from her
special LNH designed shopping bag.
<(That won't be necessary. I have no plans on attending. Thank you
"Oh, pooh! Why don't you want to go? It's going to be the funnest
<(I somehow doubt that.)>
"You should give it a try at least. A few minutes -- and if you still
<(Cat. I do not want to go. I do not want to go to a party. I do not
want to dress in a toga. I do not want to do this. I hate parties. Do
"Hate parties? How can anyone hate parties?" said Catalyst Lass as she
tried to grasp the impossible concept of anyone hating parties.
<(I do not want to go. You cannot make me go to this toga party!)>
"Who's making anyone go? I'm not! Fine, you don't want to go -- you
don't want to go. You don't want to have a super fun time -- I'm not
going to force you to have a super fun time. I'm sorry I asked."
<(I don't want to go. I'm sorry.)>
Catalyst Lass started to walk out the door and then she stopped. "It's
just a shame..."
"Yes, there was going to be a rematch. Which I thought you might want
to see. Guess I was wrong."
"Oh, it's nothing you'd be interested in." Catalyst Lass looked at her
watch. "I should really go."
<(Tell me about the rematch. Please.)>
"Well, if you insist. Frat Boy challenged Token Girl to a rematch to
there chugging contest. [See LNH Triple Play #3 for the first match --
<(Hmm. I already observed that competition. Token Girl easily beat
"Yeah, but that was 1994. And this is 2008. Has time been kind to
Token Girl's drinking abilities? Who knows? Anything could happen.
<(True. It has been a long time since the last match. Anything could
"Well, it doesn't really matter since you don't want to go. So, I might
<(No. I must know. Who will win in this rematch. I must know! Very
well. I will go to this toga party. But I will not dress in a toga.)>
"Are you sure? You'd look very cute in it. Very cute!"
"Okay. Okay. I won't press you on it. But you would look extremely
cute in it. Really! You 100% positive?"
**** <<--BM-->> ****
And there was a knocking on Tara Shreds door. "Tara -- you there?"
It was Felix. Tara walked over and opened her door. And there was
Fearless Leader (Felix Landers) standing in the hallway. Dressed in a
toga. Tara couldn't help, but giggle a bit. "Cute outfit."
Felix smiled. "I try."
"Going to the toga party I take it."
"Yes. I have a feeling that this is one decision that I'll deeply
regret when I wake up tomorrow. But oh well. Want to join me?"
"Umm -- thanks, but no. Just had a horrible flashback to LNH Bed Sheets
Lass. [See LNH vII #14 for what Ripping Dancer is talking about --
"LNH Bed Sheets -- What?" said Fearless Leader with a puzzled expression.
"Oh it's nothing -- private joke."
"You don't have to wear a toga."
"Yeah, I know. I just don't feel like being around lots of people. You
"That's okay. I understand. If you want to be alone..."
"No. That's not what I -- I mean -- I don't want to be around people,
but I don't want to be alone either. I mean if you wanted to -- you
know -- stay -- talk -- whatever -- if you wanted..."
"Yeah," said Fearless Leader with a warm smile on his face. "I'd like
"Well, okay then!" Tara's face lit up. "Oh, drinks? Want something?"
"Whatever you're having."
"Hmm. Oh wait! There was this wine I was..." Tara went over to her
closet and began to rummage through it. Finally, she found something.
"Here it is!" She wiped the dust off it. "Petrus Pomerol. Some type
of Merlot. Something I guess the Kennedys liked to drink."
"Where did you get that?"
"Oh that was back during Infinite Leadership Crisis. Can't remember who
was in charge. Maybe -- umm Namer Boy? Possibly. Anyway, I was on
some mission involving this wealthy rich guy and after I solved the
case, the rich guy gave me this as a present."
"Well, I think he also wanted to marry me. Hmm glasses. I don't have
glasses. Wait." She rushed over to the bathroom. "How about paper cups?"
"Oh, a corkscrew! I don't have one."
"Don't worry. Have my own." Felix took a swiss army knife out of his
toga and flipped open the corkscrew part. "Always come prepared," he
said with a grin.
And he opened the wine and poured it into the two paper cups.
"Oh music! Although there's a problem with my stereo. Can't get it to
"There's always LNH radio." Felix walked over to the com.thingee on
Tara Shreds wall and began to push some buttons. And suddenly Barry
McGuire's 'Eve of Destruction' came blaring on. "Or maybe not. Someone
needs to fix the Auto DJ." Felix quickly switched it off. "We don't
need music -- do we?"
"Guess not. Thought maybe we could dance or..."
"We don't need music to dance."
"Want to dance?"
"I -- uh -- let's just relax a bit." Tara took a gulp of wine and then
poured some more into her cup.
"No -- it's just -- tomorrow."
"Yeah, tomorrow." Fearless Leader took a gulp of wine and poured some
more into his cup.
"I was thinking -- I could become her again."
"Ripping Dancer. I could become Ripping Dancer again."
"What do you mean?"
"The potions -- I still have some potions. I could take one."
"Why? Why would you do that? The Cancer, Tara! You'd get it again!"
Tara took another sip and laughed. "It doesn't matter. We're doomed.
We're all going to die tomorrow. Cancer? It won't matter if I'm
"You don't know that. You don't know what's going to happen tomorrow.
It killed me watching you waste away last time -- I can't do that again!"
"I don't know. Tonight feels like the last night. I wanted it to be
"It is special."
"I wanted to be beautiful for you. To be perfect. To be Ripping Dancer
for our last time. For our last night."
"Tara. I don't want that. I want you. Not Ripping Dancer. I want
you." And Felix put his arm around Tara and hugged her.
He looked into her eyes. "Dance with me."
And the two of them danced.
And there was no music, but they didn't need music.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
The LNH Ball Room (Now Toga Party Room!) --
Frat Boy looked at the six or so shot glasses in his six or so hands.
He looked across the table at his opponent. Six or so blurry Token
Girls looked like they were ready to pass out. Just need keep on
downing a few more shots. Just a few more. And he'd win. He'd win!
He pressed the glass to his lips and slugged the whole thing down. Hah!
He looked at the six Token Girls' arms stumbling around trying to find
the next shot glass. Almost there. And then he noticed that gravity
seemed to be getting heavier and heavier. No can't -- must resist
--must -- Hey, where did that floor come from? Where was he? It would
be nice to close the eyes for just a sec. A tiny second nap. And then
The last thing Frat Boy heard were his various LNH'rs counting down.
"And the winner and still champion!" said various LNH'rs around the soon
to be passed out Token Girl.
"Nice job defending the institution of masculinity, Frats!" said
Sarcastic Lad to his unconscious friend.
Hooded Ho`'od Win rolled her eyes. <(Well, that was predictable. I've
"But Hood! Hood!!" said Catalyst Lass trying to stop her friend from
leaving the party. "Maybe there will be an arm wrestling competition!
Thumb wrestling? Hood!"
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Near the Beige Clocktower --
Both Captain Continuity and Kid Kirby stood on top of buildings near the
Bryttle Brothers still sleeping on their thrones. Kid Kirby gazed into
the insect clouded head of Dekay. And Captain Continuity gazed into
Diskolor's one bloodshotted eye.
Both were waiting for that moment when the Bryttles would wake up. And
the moment that they reached for their weapons to begin their mass
onslaught. And when that happened, they would stop them -- or die trying.
And they waited. Even as their fellow LNH'rs partied away back at the
LNHHQ, they waited.
And Captain Continuity still with his eyes firmly locked on Diskolor
asked, "Hey -- ever watch that show, 'Ice Road Truckers?'"
And Kid Kirby with his eyes still locked onto Dekay answered, "No! I
have never beheld this so called 'Ice Road Truckers'! Is it Worthy?!"
"It's -- um -- okay."
And they continued to wait.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Back in the LNHHQ --
And Building Suspense Lad stared at the glowing watch in his hand. He
watched as the numbers ticked away. As 11:54:59 became 11:55:00. Only
five minutes left. Only five minutes till they wake up. Till the
Bryttles wake up. 11:55:29. 11:55:30. 11:55:31. And Building
Suspense Lad continued to gaze intently at the watch. 11:55:47.
And then he felt something. Something hit him. Right on the head. It
was a pillow. But a very, very hard hit with a pillow nonetheless.
"Ouch!" Building Suspense Lad turned his head.
"Are you going to stare at that stupid watch all night! Because if so,
I'm going to kick you out! It's annoying as hell!" said a rather surly
Fuzzy who was lying on the bed next to him.
"Oh! Sorry. Sorry. Turning off watch! Sorry!"
"Go to sleep!"
"Right!" And Building Suspense Lad closed his eyes. Where was he?
**** <<--BM-->> ****
And Multi-Tasking Man sat in his chair and watched. He watched two
screens that showed the faces of Dekay and Diskolor. He watched their
sleeping faces waiting for the moment that they'd finally wake up. He
looked at the alarm button that he'd push when that happened. And he
watched a screen that showed the Beige Clock Tower. Who knows where the
top of it was now. And he sipped on Extra Super Dooper Caffeinated Mr.
Paprika -- 'Now that's an Insomniac's Drink!' And on one keyboard he
wrote his final journal entry (possibly). And on another keyboard he
wrote his Last Will and Testament, and wondered to himself if there was
a point to such a thing if no one survived tomorrow. He definitely
wouldn't be leaving anything to the Bryttles. That was one thing he was
sure of. He wondered what he'd leave to wReamhack. And what he'd leave
to Renegade Programmer because he suspected those two could survive
anything. And he looked at photos of family members. And of friends.
Old girlfriends. And he regretted that he'd never get a chance to say
goodbye. And he listened to his favorite tunes. Tunes that he had
discovered in college, when he was a teen, and when he was just a little
kid. And tunes that his parents had listened to. And Multi-Tasking Man
looked at a box of tissues near his computers. And he fought an urge to
break down and cry as he looked at that box.
And he played Net.Trek.
Multi=Tasking Man played Net.Trek as the seconds ticked away.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
11:56 PM --
And Fearless Leader awoke. And he looked at the time.
"Bad dream?" It was Tara. She was sleeping next to him. Actually,
this was her bed.
"No," said Fearless Leader. "Actually -- it was a good dream. A very
"Really? What happened?"
"It was some kind of a reunion. LNH reunion. We were old. Except for
Easily-Discovered Man Lite who was still 18 for some reason. But
everyone else -- old."
"I dunno. Very old. In our sixties. Seventies? I dunno."
"Was I there?"
"Yeah. You were there. And you looked great. Even though you were old."
"Nice to know. What else?"
"Oh you know how these things go. Bad Timing Boy is getting some
cheesecake for himself. But you know. Something always goes wrong. It
flies in the air hitting someone. And that someone retaliates and
throws a cake at Bad Timing Boy, but of course Bad Timing Boy dodges it.
And the next thing you know -- total chaos. Cheesecake flying
everywhere. And everyone throwing cheesecake at everyone else."
Fearless Leader also laughed. "Yeah. And then the Mr. Paprika machine
goes haywire and starts spraying everyone in Mr. Paprika. Everyone is
soaking wet. It's just insane. And Self-Righteous Preacher is there --
and he just starts shouting bible verses at the Mr. Paprika Machine."
"Oh man!" snickered Tara. "And then?""
"And then? I woke up. End of dream."
"Aww," said Tara with a disappointed voice. And then she cuddled up
close to Felix and put her head on his chest. "Still -- sounds like a
"It was. Nice dream."
"Yeah." Tara closed her eyes.
"It also made me realize something."
"Yeah? What's that?"
"We're going to win tomorrow. We're going to beat them. We're going to
win." He looked at Tara and gently stroked her hair. "We are."
**** <<--BM-->> ****
And there was the tower. The Beige Clocktower. It had grown so huge.
Beyond the Solar System. Beyond the Milky Way. It stabbed its way
through millions of Wormholes as it made its way through the Looniverse.
And it was almost close to its destination.
The Fourth Wall.
As it raced there it could see a balustrade filled with torch-bearing
mythic legends of ages gone by. Dead gods and heroes. And it saw the
Fourth Wall, which seemed impossibly huge -- but was still trillions of
light years away. And it saw a mighty technological monstrosity that
had once been called the Mechanical Author, but was now just another
inert brick embedded with in the structure. A punishment for its hubris
[See Saviors of Net #17 -- Footnote Girl].
The Beige Clocktower did not care. It had no goals beyond getting
taller and taller. And the only thing that could stop it from rising to
the higher realities -- was the Fourth Wall. But there were no heroes
or gods to protect it this time.
And soon it would break through it. And keep rising and rising. And
its Masters -- the Lords Dekay and Diskolor -- would use it as a bridge
after they had destroyed this Reality to destroy the realities beyond.
To Destroy them all.
And back in Net.ropolis, the Destroyers of All still slept. And the
milliseconds ticked away.
And 11:59:58 became 11:59:59.
It was finally here.
Three Eyes Opened.
The two red glowing eyes of Dekay. And the one bloodshot eye of Diskolor.
Dekay's hand clutched at his blackened sword.
And Diskolor's hand grabbed at his spiked club.
It was Midnight.
It was finally Midnight.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Midnight -- Net.ropolis Time, September 26, 2012:
It all finally ends.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Ideas for Beige Midnight by Saxon Brenton, James Enright, Lalo Martins,
Martin Phipps, Mitchell Crouch, Andrew Perron, Andrew Burton, Scott
Eiler, Tom Russell, Rob Rogers, and Arthur Spitzer...
Thanks to Rob Rogers for his comments in the LNH Authors Group.
Dekay and Diskolor, The Bryttle Brothers created by Todd "Scavenger"
Kogutt, used with permission...
Bad Judgment Boy - Arthur Spitzer
Captain Continuity - Mystic Mongoose
Cynical Lass - Rob Rogers
Easily-Discovered Man Lite - Rob Rogers
Footnote Girl - Saxon Brenton
Occultism Kid - Josh Geurick
Ultimate Ninja - wReam
Kid Kirby - Jameel Al Khavitz
Kid Anarky - Stephan Savoie
Catalyst Lass - Elisabeth Riba
Ripping Dancer - Arthur Spitzer
Fearless Leader - Dave Van Domelen
Dr. Stomper - T.M. Neeck
Irony Man - Doug Moran
Pompous Lad - Ken Small
Sardonic Boy - ???
Munchkin Man - Joseph Deslisle
Kid Recap - Josh Geurick
Nit-Pick Lad - James Davis Nicoll
Impatient Lad - ???
Sarcastic Lad - Saint
Bandwagon Chick - Sue Clark
wReamhack - wReam
Mainstream Man - Marc A. Nicol
Trenchcoat Hoarder Lad - Arthur Spitzer
Hoards-Leather-Lingerie Lass - Arthur Spitzer
Cannon Fodder - wReam
Cheesecake Eater Lad - Matthew Jotham Millheiser
Parking Karma Kid - Steve Simmons
Frat Boy - uplink
Late-Nite Lad - Bill Moakler
Self-Righteous Preacher - wReam
List Lad - Scavenger
Hooded Ho`'od Win - wReam
Token Girl - Tara Lynn O'Shea
Building Suspense Lad - Arthur Spitzer
Fuzzy - Connie Hirsch
Multi-Tasking Man - Jeff Coleburn
4-Color Kid -- (Scavenger first version (not in issue) -- third version
Occultism Kid hallucinations:
Cauliflower - Arthur Spitzer
Comics Snob Boy - Maurice Beyke
Echo Lad - Mike Escutia
Lost Cause Boy - Douglas P. Wojtowicz
Panta - Hubert Bartels
Rebel Yell - Scavenger
Sig.Lad - Dave Van Domelen
For those who are confused by this...
Probably won't help.
Only one more to go and that one is mostly finished.
This issue was supposed to have the long awaited return of Rebel Yell
(granted an alternate Rebel Yell). Scavenger did give me permission to
use him, but I still haven't heard back from him about the Rebel Yell
scenes I e-mailed him. Hopefully someday Scavenger will read and
approve of the scenes and I can post the Rebel Yell version of this.
But until that time, you'll have to read this (or go to the LNH Authors
Group to read the Rebel Yell scenes). I did leave in the scene where
Occultism Kid sees Rebel Yell.
And I know the whole countless alternate Looniverses thing is very
confusing. Let's just say that Occultism Kid stuck all of the beings
who weren't the Bryttle Brothers and Beige Clocktower on the alternate
Looniverse that is basically Looniverse Classic that everyone is still
currently writing in. All of the action in this issue takes place in a
completely different alternate Looniverse (let's call it Earth Beige)
that is countless Looniverses away from Looniverse Classic. The only
Looniverse that Earth Beige can connect to is one of the many countless
Looniverse that only has LNH'rs as sentient beings (let's call it Earth
Beige +1 (Even though it wouldn't be Beige because the Bryttles aren't
on it) which is only connected to Earth Beige and Earth Beige +2 and
Earth Beige +2 would be connected only to Earth Beige +1 and Earth Beige
+3 and so on and so on until you get to Earth Beige +Really Big Number
which is connected to Looniverse Classic and Earth Beige +Really Big
Number Minus One). Totally Confused yet?
This is one of those not-much-happens issues with some character stuff.
I did try to keep it mostly lite and avoided the temptation to throw
in some Paul Hardy type scenes where LNH'rs are committing suicide.
The Four Color Kid stuff was basically to fix a continuity error where
Stephane Savoie killed 4C Kid after he had already been killed by
Scavenger. I have no plans to do anything with the Fourth 4 Color Kid.
12,436 words (although would be 14,000 with the Rebel Yell stuff).
The Next (And last) issue of this miniseries will be posted at Midnight
on September 25, 2012 (Net.ropolis and Eastern Time). You should
probably read LNH Comics Presents #509 before that though (which will
come the day before).
Arthur "Almost Free..." Spitzer
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