LNH: Beige Midnight #11: The Week Before the End (2/3)
arspitzer at earthlink.net
Thu Sep 20 15:14:00 PDT 2012
Wednesday the 23rd --
Bandwagon Chick saw Occultism Kid talking to someone, although there
didn't seem to be anyone there.
"Yeah, it was good seeing you too. Yeah, I'll tell Curly, Pliable Lad,
and Kid Anarky you said hi."
"Umm, who are you talking too?" said Bandwagon Chick walking up to the
bench that Occultism Kid was sitting on.
"What?" said Occultism Kid turning his head around. "You can't see her?"
"Oh. I guess you wouldn't be able to see her since she probably doesn't
exist. Sorry. Her name was Panta. A cat girl who used to be a member
of the LNH."
"You mean Pantra, don't you?"
"No. Panta. And she was retconned along time ago."
"I can't remember any -- no wait I think I do remember something -- I uh
-- no, it's gone. What were you two talking about?"
"Oh, just the old times. I mean considering I was talking to thin air I
suppose it doesn't matter."
"How are you doing?" said Bandwagon Chick sitting on the bench next to him.
"Besides being insane?" Occultism Kid laughed. "Well, besides that --
I guess fine.
"Is there a cure?"
"Who knows. Probably not. Just have to cope with it. Anyway, I gave
myself the worst of it."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean the other alternate Occultism Kids should be fine. I gave 99%
to myself. Or they gave it to me. Or something like that. Regardless,
it's now my burden to bear." Occultism Kid threw some popcorn at the
birds and watched as they began pecking on it.
"You left the animals."
"Huh? Oh, right. Well I only moved all of the sentient beings."
"How did you decide that?"
"Very quickly. The Insanity Gauntlet was destroying my brain so I
didn't have much time to debate with myself about whether dolphins or
chimpanzees qualified as sentient. So I left them here. But if we
survive the upcoming battle, we'll need all these life forms to survive."
"I suppose so. So, are we going to survive?"
Occultism Kid shrugged his head. And threw some more popcorn.
Bandwagon Chick looked at the birds fighting for pieces. "Anyway, just
wanted to say -- I forgive you."
"Forgive me?" Occultism Kid thought about all the things he had done in
his life and wondered which one she was forgiving him for.
"That time when we went to hell for that pinecone for Cauliflower?
"Oh right. The demons holding your horses hostage [Cauliflower the CMP
#3 -- Footnote Girl]. Sorry about that."
"I know. I was mad for a long time about it -- even though I knew you
lied to protect me. Still you were wrong -- but I think I understand
better why you do the things you do. You always have to make the tough
decisions -- for what you see as the greater good. But anyway -- I
forgive you -- for this and everything else. I forgive you. I just
wanted you to know that. Okay? Are we good?"
Occultism Kid made a nod with his head.
"Well, see you," said Bandwagon Chick as she got up from the bench.
Occultism Kid watched as Bandwagon Chick walked away. He threw a few
more popcorns at the various birds on the ground. "Thanks."
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Dr. Stomper's Labroom --
Dr. Stomper looked at the various equations that dotted his
board.thingee. He could think a thought and it would appear on the
board almost immediately. But no new thoughts were making there way
onto the board. Try as he might, he couldn't twist these equations in a
way that would allow the LNH to beat the Bryttle Brothers. There had
to be a way -- didn't there? But everyway he thought didn't make a lick
of difference. It always ended the same way. With the LNH dead.
In fact the only way, Dr. Stomper figured that the LNH could actually
win depended on the Bryttles letting the LNH win, which probably
There had to be a way. Dr. Stomper kept staring at this board.thingee.
Maybe if he shifted that equation into that one and merged -- No, it
was still wrong.
He looked at a monitor depicting the progress of the Four-Color Wall Ray
that was blasting away at the sleeping Bryttle Brothers. It wasn't
doing any good. In fact it was no longer blasting Four Color Energy.
The Four Colors had all become Beige.
Then Dr. Stomper thought of something. What if he genetically modified
Cannon Fodder's DNA so that he had Four Color powers like the 4-Color
Kid had. Dr. Stomper began blasting the board.thingee with equations
from his mind.
And then he gave a long sigh. No, that wouldn't work either.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Thursday the 24th --
Ripping Dancer's LNH room --
And Tara Shreds looked at the mirror. Here she was again. Back -- full
She turned her eyes from the mirror. Wasn't this what she wanted? She
was back to where she was before she made her deal with Manga Man. She
was cancer free and completely ordinary. She had gone back in time
during the Bart mission [Beige Midnight #6 -- Footnote Girl] to try and
get this and now through means she didn't quite understand she had
gotten what she wanted. She was alive. At least for now. Considering
what was going to happen a few days from now this cancer free life
wasn't going to be for very long.
Felix [Fearless Leader -- Footnote Girl] had tried to get her to leave
-- to go with the various others that were escaping this Looniverse --
hopping to the next Alternate LNH Looniverse. And it made sense why he
wanted her to leave. She didn't have any powers anymore. She would be
totally useless in the upcoming fight. But she couldn't leave. She
didn't want to leave. She couldn't see herself just hopping constantly
to new Looniverses just to escape the upcoming onslaught. Being
constantly on the run didn't seem like much of a life. No. If she was
going to die, she'd die here. And from the looks of it -- she'd be
dying along with the rest of the LNH on the 29th.
It didn't look good. She remembered Bart standing on a huge mound of
dead LNH'rs, and Bart was at least human. These Bryttle Brothers were
beyond even Bart and no mind controlling cat was going to stop them.
She couldn't imagine anything stopping them. And the talk going through
the LNH was that Occultism Kid had cast some spell turning the real
Looniverse into countless Alternate versions. And the real Looniverse
was countless Looniverses away and this Looniverse was just another
Alternate one. And it wouldn't have the same protections that the real
Looniverse would have. The writers wouldn't protect it. It was sort of
a weird thought, that she wasn't the real Tara Shreds. That there was a
real Tara Shreds zillions of Looniverses away. Well, hopefully that
Tara Shreds would find some happiness and get her life together again.
She fumbled through things in her closet. She looked at a magazine
cover. Net.People. It had her on the cover. No, not her -- Ripping
Dancer. And god -- Ripping Dancer was stunning. She was perfect.
Being Ripping Dancer had been insane. Completely insane. She looked at
the various clothes in her closet that she had worn as Ripping Dancer.
Various skimpy numbers with countless tears. She might as well have
been walking around naked. She must have been out of her mind. God, it
was insane being her. She looked at the cover. Some part of her missed
it. Not the people constantly staring at her, guys (and sometimes
women) hitting on her constantly -- she hated all that. The fame was
good at first, but after awhile it became horrible. She remembered
reading the headlines of all those tabloids after she had been outed for
what she really was. Fearless Leader's Love Traitor -- and countless
others. She certainly didn't miss all that.
But the look -- Ripping Dancer's look. That she missed. She could have
stared at her body all day in the mirror. Her look was so powerful.
That power she had being Ripping Dancer. She was not going to have that
ever again. And then Tara thought of something. She looked under her
bed. There was a briefcase. And she opened the case up. And there
they were. Three more potions.
She took one of potions out and just held it in her hand. And she gazed
at it. It didn't really matter if it gave her cancer if she was going
to die a few days from now anyway, did it? And it would give her powers
again so she wouldn't be totally useless in the fight. She looked at
her reflection in the glass of the potion. Warped and ugly Tara Shreds.
She could die beautiful at least.
Tara Shreds looked at the potion. And she looked.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Friday the 25th --
Irony Man's LNH room --
Toony Stork looked at himself in the reflection of the tiny little
bourbon bottle. And he snorted some laughter and took a slug from it.
And then he looked at the brittle old newspaper from 1992. The one that
had his obituary in it -- from that time he died in Beige Noon. And he
snorted some more laughter and drank whatever was left. And then he
threw the bottle to the ground and grabbed another tiny bottle and began
to unscrew the top.
And there was a knocking on the door. Toony looked at the door. "Come
in -- it's not locked."
The door opened and Catalyst Lass stepped into the room. She looked at
the pile of tiny empty liquor bottles on the floor near Toony's Super
King Sized Bed that he was lying on. "I hope I'm not interrupting
Toony laughed. "Nope. Just having my own private party. You can join
if you want. Want something to drink?"
"Oh, sure. What the heck."
"Drinks are over there," said Toony pointing to the bar stand in the
corner of his room. "I'd get you one myself, but -- well, you know --
might not be able to make it over..."
"It's okay. I can get it." Catalyst Lass walked over to the bar and
grabbed herself the biggest glass she could see. And she began pouring
various bottles into the glass and occasionally mixing the drink. And
occasionally dropping some cherries and lemon slices into it till the
entire glass was full.
"Umm -- what in the world are you making?"
"Hmm. Don't know." And Catalyst Lass took a sip from her concoction.
And then she made a very yucky face. "But it really tastes awful." And
Toony's face started to break up. And so did Catalyst Lass's. And the
two heroes laughed. Catalyst Lass poured the horrible tasting drink
down the sink. And then she sat down on his bed. "What's this?" she
asked looked at the box of stuff.
"Umm, just old junk. From the past. Look, Cat, I'm sorry. About that
stuff the HexFire Club did to you -- or thought they did to you. I'm
sorry. Very sorry. I can't..."
"I know, Toony. It's okay. We all make dumb mistakes."
"This was more than a mistake -- it was... I don't know. I just don't
-- I was hoping it would all end. A few days ago, back during the
battle -- that great big super battle, I was just hoping I'd die there.
Some supervillain would just kill me, but that didn't happen. Every
battle, I won. I was just too good. Nothing could stop me. Not even
Mynabird. Just my luck."
Catalyst Lass put her hand on Toony's shoulder. "You don't want to die,
"I don't? Why not? What the hell is there left for me here. God,
everyone hates me. They despise me for what I did."
"Not everyone hates you. I don't. Friends?" Catalyst Lass held her
hand up to Toony. "And if you reject my offer of friendship -- I'll be
very sad. Very sad. And you wouldn't like me when I'm very sad," she
said with a slight smile.
Toony snorted a laugh and shook her hand. "Yeah, friends." And then
Catalyst Lass gave him a big hug.
"You know, Toony. You should probably take a shower -- you're beginning
to smell like a wino." Catalyst Lass closed her nose with her fingers.
"Ooh! This is old picture of us!" said Catalyst Lass picking something
from out of the box. It was a group shot of the LNH slightly after the
Cosmic Plot Device Caper. "Oh, we were so young back then."
"Yeah, young and clueless. Thinking we could make a difference. And
now we're here. Getting ready for the end."
"Oh, it won't be the end."
"You know what they're saying, Cat. Sarcastic Lad was right. We're not
the real LNH and this isn't the real Looniverse. We're just some Cannon
Fodder LNH on some Cannon Fodder Looniverse. A roadblock."
"Doesn't matter. We'll still win."
"What makes you think we have chance?"
"That's not a reason."
"Wanna bet? If you're so sure the LNH is going to lose, why not make a
bet. Your life saving against mine."
"What's that? 69 cents?"
Catalyst Lass playfully hit Toony on the shoulder. "Oh, you know it's
way more than that. Plus I've got my entire Princess Di collector
plates collection, which is probably worth like thousands of dollars.
Maybe millions, even! Of course if you're too chicken to take the bet..."
"It's a stupid bet. Even if I won, we'd both be dead!"
"Fine, I'll take it. Doesn't matter since if even the LNH wins -- all
that stuff I have won't be worth much anyways."
"Oh, we'll win. And maybe you can be my butler or something
afterwards." Catalyst Lass gave Toony a wink.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Peril Room Monitoring Room --
And wReamhack looked with shock as the Ultimate Ninja transported onto
the Peril Room teleport pad, which was where people who died in the
Peril Room usually ended up after they had been killed. But wReamhack
had never seen the Ultimate Ninja on it. "Umm, UN? What happened?"
wReamhack did a double take. "Umm, but that never happens. You don't
die! You never die! Who were you fighting?"
"I was battling a simulation of Dekay and Diskolor. And they killed me.
End of story."
"You gave yourself a handicap, right? Yeah, that must be it! You were
tied to a chair and blindfolded -- and that's why they managed to kill you."
"No. I had no handicaps. They were simply better."
"Maybe there was something wrong with the programming. Maybe I can fix
"So that it's what -- easier? There was nothing wrong with the program.
Any simulation you make will be easier than the real thing. And I
couldn't even beat a simulation of them."
"Well, it happens to us all. Maybe you should try again and..."
"No. I'm wasting my time with these simulations. Even if I did win --
it would still just be a Peril Room program -- nothing close to the real
thing. There's got to be something else. Something that we're just not
seeing. Wait! What's that sound?"
"Huh? Oh, you mean the music? That's just various songs I've been
playing -- acting as the LNHHQ DJ."
"No. That song! Who is it?"
"What? Oh, yeah. Carly Simon. 'Anticipation'. Like it? I can burn
you a CD..."
"Carly Simon." And for a few seconds the Ultimate Ninja was lost in old
dreams and memories. "Of course! That's it!"
"What? You think Carly Simon can help us beat the Bryttles?"
"No. No. Back when the HexFire had that alien messing with my mind --
the dreams it was giving me. There was device. A ninja bush. A
Four-Color Ninja Bush. And in the dream it killed the Bryttles. Pack
your bags, wReamhack. And get Cannon Fodder, Parking Karma Kid, and
Cheesecake Eater Lad. We're going on a mission."
"A mission?" gulped wReamhack. "But -- who will be LNHHQ DJ? Who will
give the LNH the swingiest hits of the 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s, and 00s?"
The Ultimate Ninja gave wReamhack the stare.
"Well, okay. I guess I could put it on Auto-DJ. So, where are we going?"
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Saturday the 26th --
The LNH Wedding Room --
"I now pronounce you Man -- and Wife!"
"Man," said Mainstream Man pinching himself. "I can't believe this is
actually happening. After all these years. It's amazing!"
"I always knew," said Catalyst Lass. "They were destined to be with
each other. They had a love that was written in the stars. It just had
to be." Catalyst Last sniffed and pulled a tissue from her purse and
wiped her eyes. "This is so beautiful!
"Hmm. Have to admit," said Cynical Lass, "Never thought it would
happen. I mean he was gone for all that time on his -- *ahem* -- leave
of absence. And for him to wait till the last minute to come back. I'm
surprised she said yes. Well, hope it all works out for the best.
Probably won't though."
Catalyst Lass shook her head. "Oh, Cynical Lass -- why do you have to
be so -- cynical?"
"Man, it's over," said Mainstream Man. "They're Married. Finally.
Amazing. Trenchcoat Hoarder Lad. Hoards-Leather-Lingerie Lass.
Married! This is no Dream or Elsewhirl! This story is in Continuity!"
"Funny," said Easily-Discovered Man Lite as the newly married couple
walked towards them. "Always thought it was Hoards-Leather-Lingerie
Lass who wore the leather lingerie -- and not the other way around."
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Ninja Island --
A flight.thingee made its way at rapid speeds towards the island.
In the backseat were the heroes Cannon Fodder, Cheesecake Eater Lad, and
wReamhack. And in the pilot and co-pilot seat were Parking Karma Kid
and the Ultimate Ninja.
"You should remember that every single animal on Ninja Island is
dangerous. Every animal. And every animal is trained in the fine art
of Ninjutsu. Every single one of them."
"So, all the animals are ninjas?" said Cannon Fodder.
"Yes. For example -- see those seagulls coming towards us?"
"Yeah," said Parking Karma Kid. "Oh, they have little black outfits.
And little weapons!"
"Yes, because they're Ninja Seagulls. And they want to kill everyone of
"Oh," said Parking Karma Kid. And then, "Oh! Oh my God! They're
coming straight for us!!!" And then with a scream he took the controls
and caused the Flight.Thingee to dive.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
"Nice landing," said Cheesecake Eater Lad has he crawled out of the
"Hey! We're still alive -- even Cannon Fodder," said Parking Karma Kid
glaring at Cheesecake Eater Lad.
"What about the seagulls?" said wReamhack eyeing the sky with terror.
"Taken care of," said Ultimate Ninja wiping blood off of his Ginsu Katana.
"So, this is Ninja Island, huh?" said Cannon Fodder looking over the
beach they had crash-landed on. "Hey, look! Oysters! Wonder if they
have any pearls in them."
"Oysters?" said Ultimate Ninja. "No! Wait! Cannon Fodder! Get away
from them! They're not oysters -- they're..." But he heard a ghastly
scream and knew he was too late.
He looked at the dead body of Cannon Fodder. And the tiny little oyster
katanas that were stabbed into his body.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
After finding a car near the beach, the Ultimate Ninja's group hot wired
the car and drove to the biggest city on Ninja Island -- Ninja City.
"That's where we're going," said the Ultimate Ninja pointing to a huge
"What is that -- some kind of Football Stadium?" said wReamhack looking
out his window.
"No. It's just part of my Uncle's mansion."
"Yes. My Uncle McNinja -- the richest ninja in Ninja City. That will
get us into the museum."
**** <<--BM-->> ****
"What are you hoping to find here?" said Cheesecake Eater Lad.
"It's possible a Four Color Ninja bush might be here," said the Ultimate
Ninja scanning the room. "My Uncle's private museum is supposed to have
all the rarest of Ninja weapons and artifacts. Maybe there's a special
Ninja Bush room or something like that. Be on the look out."
And as the group toured the place, the Ultimate Ninja stopped and looked
at one of the display cases.
"Who's that?" asked Parking Karma Kid said looking at the was sculpture
of some ancient ninja.
"He was the first?"
"Yes. The first Ultimate Ninja."
"There were others?"
"Of course. As long as there are ninja -- there will always be one who
is the Ultimate one. And he was the first."
"What happened to him?"
"He died in a great battle fighting a thousand and one samurai."
"A thousand and one?"
"Yes. You didn't have to be quite as good as you do now days to be
'Ultimate'. But after he had killed a thousand of the samurai, one of
the samurai that had faked his death stabbed the Ultimate Ninja in the
back with a poisoned blade. After killing the last samurai, he died a
few days later from the poison. That's the blade he used during his
last battle." The Ultimate Ninja pointed to the blade that the
sculpture was wielding. And then with a swift kick he shattered the
glass in a way that didn't trigger any of the alarms and grabbed the
blade. And he looked at the blade and felt the weight of the blade in
"Are you going to use it? For the final battle?"
"Use it?" said the Ultimate Ninja still looking at the blade. And then
he put the blade back. "No. I have no plans on dying. Or being behind
some display case."
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Sunday the 27th --
Not finding the Four Color Ninja Bush in the museum, the group secured
another Flight.Thingee from the Ultimate Ninja's Uncle's Flight.Thingee
museum and flew it towards the most dangerous part of Ninja Island.
The Peril Ninja Jungles.
As the four LNH'r hacked their way through the ninja jungle vines (with
wReamhack doing the best job with his computer hacking skills), they
heard a rumbling from the distance. Something was coming. Something
A herd of dinosaurs -- Ninja Brontosauruses, Ninja Stegosauruses, Ninja
Triceratops, and other large Ninja beasts were running away from
something. And stampeding across the jungle to get away from it. And
then the group saw what was chasing them. It was a pack. A pack of
Tyrannosaurus Rex. Ninja Tyrannosaurus Rex!
"Just stay still. I'll take care of this," said the Ultimate Ninja
taking out his Ginsu Katana blade.
The Ultimate Ninja looked at the oncoming onslaught of ninja dinosaurs
and just stared at them.
A ninja stare. An Ultimate Ninja stare.
All the ninja dinosaurs screeched to a halt and decided it just wasn't
worth it. And they all went back to where ever they came from.
"Are you freaking kidding me?" said Cheesecake Eater Lad gazing through
the fourth wall.
Okay, one of the ninja Tyrannosaurs Rexes decided to fight the Ultimate
Ninja and the Ultimate Ninja easily beat him. Satisfied?
Cheesecake Eater Lad sighed.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
And after a long day of fighting various Ninja Giant Spiders, Ninja
Dinosaurs, Ninja Saber Tooth Tigers, Ninja Hummingbirds, Ninja Moose,
Ninja Chipmunks, and Ninja Mosquitoes; our brave band of adventurers
decided to make camp.
Cheesecake Eater Lad toasted some of his special mini-marshmallow
cheesecakes on the roaring campfire. "So, are we almost there? The
Four-Color Ninja Bush Groves?"
"Who knows," shrugged the Ultimate Ninja gazing into the darkness of the
"Hey!" said wReamhack as an idea popped into his head. "You know what
we should do?! Since we're all sitting next to a camp fire -- why don't
we all trade -- Origin Stories!!"
"No," said the Ultimate Ninja suddenly remembering the 'Demon Boy
Incident' and the special memo he wrote to make sure camp fire origin
story trading never ever happened again [See Legion of Occult Heroes #1
-- Footnote Girl]. "That is not going to happen. Never. Ever."
"Well, it was just an idea," gulped wReamhack slinking away from the
Ultimate Ninja's gaze.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
TOMORROW: Part III of Issue Eleven!
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