LNH: Beige Midnight #11: The Week Before the End
arspitzer at earthlink.net
Wed Sep 19 12:26:56 PDT 2012
[Cover: A 2008 Day to Day Calendar hangs on a wall. The pages of April
22nd to April 27th are blowing away. Each page depicts various events
such as Occultism Kid feeding birds, The Ultimate Ninja fighting a Ninja
T-Rex, Tara Shreds (Ripping Dancer) looking in a mirror, Toony Stork
(Irony Man) with a five o'clock shadow and blood shot eyes drinking tiny
bottles of liquor, LNH'rs throwing a wedding, and a Space.Thingee flying
into the LNHQ Hangar Bay. April 28th mostly torn away dangles from the
calendar and depicts a number of LNH'rs having a toga party. Underneath
it can be seen April 29th showing the words -- 'THE END' with the Dekay
and Diskolor within the words waking up. At the bottom reads the text,
'The Week Before the End'.]
**** <<--BM-->> ****
The place -- The Front Lawn of the LNHHQ
The time --
B E I G E
M I D N I G H T
The number -- E L E V E N
The Writer -- Arthur Spitzer
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Monday the 21st of April, 2008 --
The LNHHQ, Net.ropolis, USA --
The Ultimate Ninja looked at Occultism Kid who was still saying the
word, 'Split' over and over again. He turned his head towards Dr.
Stomper and said, "Doctor, do something. Make him coherent." And he
moved his attention towards the tree that had started to grow in the
middle of the LNHHQ's front lawn.
He saw hundreds of apples begin to fall off the tree. And as the apples
splatted onto the ground, things began to crawl out. Maggots, flies,
beetles, locusts, and other creepy crawly things. And they began to
merge together into a human shape. And the shape began to change into
something that looked like a superhero. Like someone they used to know.
Most of the LNH'rs began to back away. The braver ones stood there
ground. But only three LNH'rs moved closer to the insect monstrosity:
Ultimate Ninja, Fearless Leader, and Catalyst Lass.
"Why so silent, LNH?" said the monstrosity as it began to move its
mouth. "Aren't you going to welcome me back? Your good old pal -- The
Four Color Kid? I'm beginning to think you didn't miss me."
"4-Color Kid?" said the Ultimate Ninja musing on how to kill it.
"It's not him -- it's some servant of the Bryttles," said Fearless
Leader. "Some demon creature."
"For shame, Felix," said the Creepy Crawly Being shifting its attention
towards Fearless Leader. "After all those late-night chats we had, I
thought you knew me better than that. Of course you told all your LNH
buddies about me, right? About how I was coming back? You told them
that, didn't you? You didn't keep me a secret?"
The Ultimate Ninja turned his head. "What's he talking about, FL?"
"It's nothing. They were dreams -- nightmares. I didn't want to waste
your time. It doesn't matter. He's not the 4-Color Kid."
The Insect Beast picked one of the rotten apples off of the ground and
began to chew on it. "I'm not? Are you sure about that? Oh well, if
you're talking about that idiot who died saving the Looniverse back
during Beige Noon -- well, then technically you'd be right. I'm not
that guy. But I am -- one of the Four Color Kids. That's right --
there were more than one.
"Haven't you always wondered about that time the Four Color Kid was
killed by former LNH butler -- Graves [See Verticle Plain #5 -- Footnote
Girl] many months after he died saving the Looniverse? No? Well, I'll
ruin that mystery for you anyways. You see it all began on April 4th,
1934. There was this poor girl who died in child birth -- Florina
Cathaline Kirby was her name. And she gave birth to four boys -- and
these four identical babies were each sent to a different part of the
Loonited States -- to four different orphanages. The luckiest one was
sent to a Net.ropolis orphanage and was adopted by a wealthy
philanthropist who also turned out to secretly be the masked avenger
known as -- Captain All-For-A-Dime. Of course it was only a matter of
time before my brother became the side kick known as the 4-Color Kid as
well as part of Boy Lad Jr's sidekick team known as the Li'l Nett'rs --
and eventually a full fledged member of the Classic Squad.
"The second Four Color Kid was sent to an orphanage on the west coast
where he was adopted by a more middle class family. He, however, also
had that thirst for the hero life and began his own career during the
50s as the Four Color Kid. He never achieved the fame of his more well
known sibling -- and after he had heard about the death of his brother
he made his way to Net.ropolis -- perhaps in hopes of replacing him.
Having his big come back. But that never happened. After a traffic
accident, he spent the remaining moments of his life in a Net.ropolis
hospital -- where he was killed by the supervillain and ex-LNH butler
Graves. And there were two...
"The third was sent to an orphanage up north. Really, it doesn't matter
where. He was never adopted. And eventually he ran away. To join the
circus -- well that never happened. He wound up in jail for stealing an
apple from a stand. It was a group of cultists -- worshippers of the
Bryttles that wound up freeing him -- and they offered him a deal. And
it was a very good deal. He would get a nice paying job ($44,444 a
year, which was a lot back then) for the rest of his life. And it was
an easy job. He only had to do one thing. And one thing only. Just
not be a hero. That's all he had to do. Not be a hero. And for that
he got a very nice salary. And for four years, he lived the good life.
Alas, he had some tax problems and had to go to jail -- where he lived
till he turned 44 -- which was also the year he died. And it turned out
that there was some fine print in his contract that stated he would
serve the Bryttles even after death. For the rest of his afterlife.
And that's what happened to the third brother.
"And the fourth? Well, who knows whatever happened to him. And that's
the story -- the story of the Four 4-Color Quadruplets. Enjoy it?"
"That's a sad story," said Catalyst Lass as she began focusing her
powers on the Four Color Kid. "But you know you don't have to serve
them forever, don't you? You could break the contract. You could help
us -- help us fight them. You could finally be free. You could be -- a
hero. It's not too late."
"Rebel against them?" The Four Color Kid let out a laugh and then
paused as if to consider it. "No. You don't have a chance. You are
way out of your league. I don't think you really understand how much
more powerful the Bryttles are compared to you. If you were a gnat
battling a space beast that devoured whole galaxies -- you'd stand a
better chance. No, I'll stick with the Bryttles and watch as they
easily tear you apart.
"Anyways, I didn't come here to be saved -- or find redemption. I came
here to tell you what's going to happen. Here's the plan: First, you
have a week and some hours to prepare for your demise. The Bryttles
won't wake up till Midnight on April the 29th, but don't worry -- they
won't actually start attacking you till noon -- so please feel free to
have some breakfast and brunch before you die. At noon they will start
killing you -- and I do recommend that it would be a good idea to die
within the first two hours. The first couple of hours will be the easy
deaths -- I won't say that they won't be painful -- they will -- but
they'll be rather quick. After the first couple of hours though will
come the long painful deaths. Try to imagine all of the horrible things
people can do to each other. Rape with jagged glass, eyes being gouged
with red hot pokers, fingernails being pulled out, having your skin
peeled away, being put in a microwave -- you think those things are
horrible -- you don't know what real horror is -- but you'll find out if
you manage to survive the first couple of hours." The Four Color Kid
laughed. "And the killing will keep on going till the last second
before Midnight when they will kill the last one of you. And that's the
plan. My advice: The morning before the Bryttles attack -- I think you
should all commit suicide. Maybe have one of those Jim Jones kool-aid
parties right before the Bryttles begin their slaughter. That's the
smartest thing you can do. Well, that's my advice.
The Ultimate Ninja shook his head. "I have a message for you to take
back to your Masters."
The Four Color Kid smiled. "Yes? I'm all ears."
"Tell them that they should get the hell out of here while they still
can. Because if they don't -- then they'll find out what real horror --
Real horror is!"
"Let me guess. You're going to throw a very scary ninja bush at them.
"No," said the Ultimate Ninja shaking his head. "Let me explain. You
know that there is a place that's worse than hell, don't you?"
"Sure. I go there for vacation."
"But did you know that there is a place even worse than that? And after
that there's a place even worse than the place that's worse than the
place that's worse than hell?"
"Of course. Everyone knows that."
"Now imagine a trillion of these worse than hells. Each one worse than
the one before it. But there is even something far, far worse than all
of those put together. It's a place that only I have the power to
reach. And if your Masters aren't smart enough to flee this Looniverse
-- if they are stupid enough to try and harm one of my fellow LNH'rs --
you know what is going to happen?"
"Okay. I'll bite. What's going to happen?"
"I am going to carve them into little pieces. I will then hook all of
those pieces onto chains and drag them to this place -- this place that
is worse than all other places. And then I will dig a deep pit. The
deepest pit ever and I will throw them into it. Into the pit. And then
I will bury them. And then I will wait. If they're smart they won't
ever leave the pit. If they're smart -- but if they aren't smart -- if
they decide to be stupid and leave that pit -- to crawl to see the light
one more time -- then I will be there. I will be waiting. And I can
wait forever in this place -- Universes will die and be reborn countless
times while I wait. In this place, I can wait and I will wait. And I
won't be alone. Something else will be with me. Something that can
only exist in this place. It can't exist anywhere else. Not in Hell or
all those places that are even worse than Hell. It can only exist in
this place. Do you want to know what this thing is?"
"Okay. What? What is this very, very, scary thing?"
"My anger. The Ultimate Ninja's anger. You probably think you've seen
me angry before. You haven't. No one's ever seen me angry. People
have seen my slightly miffed or irritated before, but no one has ever
seen me angry. The HexFire Club for all they did to me -- they never
truly saw me angry. My anger can't exist in the Looniverse -- if it
were to exist for only a second it would destroy everything. It can
only exist in this place. This place worse than all other places
combined. And if the Bryttles are foolish enough to crawl out of the
pit -- they will see me and my Anger. And on that day -- they will know
what true horror is. And their pitiful imaginations will finally grasp
what the most horrible thing ever is. My Anger. And they will wish
that they had never escaped that pit. But it will be too late by then.
Much too late. That's the message. That's the message I want you to
take back to your Masters. Tell them all that."
The Four Color Kid wanted to laugh. To mock the Ultimate Ninja's
message. But he looked into the Ultimate Ninja's eyes -- and he
couldn't laugh. Because looking into the Ninja's eyes, he believed in
this place. This horrible place where the Ninja's Anger existed. And
he knew he didn't want to go to that place. "I'll take your message."
And with that said, he dissolved into a cloud of insects. The cloud
flew up into the sky and merged with the insect cloud that made up
Dekay's head. A cloud that extended itself all over Net.ropolis.
The Ultimate Ninja looked up at the Beige Sky. Time to get ready.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Tuesday the 22nd --
A spaceship descended from orbit and made its way towards the Legion of
Net.Heroes Headquarters Space.Thingee Hangar Bay.
"Hey there!" shouted the voice of the pilot. "Looks like your prayers
have finally been answered. Yes, that's right, people. God's favorite
LNH'r has returned to save the day once more! So, no need to worry
guys! The Great One is -- back!!"
"Yeah, and me also," said the voice of the co-pilot. "The lucky duck
who had to spend several years bathing in the glory of Mr. Wonderful
here! The joy of it. So, can we land -- or what?"
<<Hey! Pompous Lad! Sardonic Boy! Welcome back!>> said the voice of
wReamhack. <<Sure! Land whenever you feel like it!>>
And the SpaceQuest: Raven touched ground.
They were coming back.
They were all coming back.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
'The Week Before the End'
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Tuesday the 22nd --
Munchkin Man's Storage Sack of Infinite Space (+Infinity) --
As Kid Recap looked down at his feet, he realized he was standing on
some shield, which in turn was on a bunch of other junk. "Jesus.
Where's the floor?"
"oh, somewhere down there," said Munchkin Man. "you should be careful
where you step though. some of this stuff can kill you -- just so you
"Yeah, that's good to know," said Kid Recap nervously stepping forward.
"you know that reality show, 'hoarding, hoarding hoarders'? i was
supposed to be on it. they even sent a bunch of people -- people with
big garbage trucks -- anyways, we did some filming -- that didn't go
well. had to pay off various people to keep quiet afterwards. the
whole thing seemed like a scam anyways. they said they were going to
help me clean and get organized -- sure -- more like they wanted to
steal all of my stuff. also they were trying to get me to think i had
all these psychological problems because of my collection. crazy, huh?"
"Yeah, crazy. This is so freaking normal," said Kid Recap looking at
the landscape. Mountains of junk. Mountains made up of almost every
kind of magical item that had ever existed. It would take ages to
catalog everything. Unfortunately, they didn't have ages. They needed
to find something in here that could stop the Bryttles before they woke
up. "So, do you know where everything is at?"
"well, i know where some things are at. like under that mountain of
Speed Rings over there -- there is something that could do the trick.
but it would take a year or so to get it. oh hey! maybe this could do
the trick!" Munchkin Man said picking up a hammer. "it's a Hammer of
Omnilooniverse Destroying (+9999, +9999)! this could easily kill both
of them -- although it has the side effect of destroying the whole
omnilooniverse every time i use it."
"No, let's not do that. How about something that doesn't destroy the
"suit yourself," said Munchkin Man putting back the hammer. "wait. can
sense something -- something out there."
And Kid Recap heard something to -- it sounded like scurrying. And then
he saw something. Creatures. Monsters. It looked like an army. And
the leader of the army looked like a battle-scarred orc. The orc raised
his battleaxe high into the air
"You!" the orc screamed, "Evil One! Today you pay -- pay for all of
your crimes! All your murders! Murders of our children -- of our wives
-- of our loved ones!! You will die!! You will die -- today!!! So
swears Mordox of the Oooh-booh Clan!! DIE!!!!!" The other monsters
also began shouting, Die!!!
Munchkin Man let out a yawn and put on his Gauntlet of Death Balls
(+4567, +8923) and cast a few death balls at the army.
Kid Recap winced as he heard the ghastly screams that the various
monsters let out as they died.
"sorry about that," said Munchkin Man after he had killed the last one.
"What was that about?"
"oh, just an infestation in my Storage Sack of Infinite Space
(+Infinity). bought it off this dodgy dwarf centaur -- and apparently
all of these monsters were living in it already -- so i guess because
they were living here before i bought it, i guess they think it's some
how there's. i really need to hire myself an exterminator one of these
Kid Recap looked at all of the dead corpses of the monsters. "Why did
we ever let you into the LNH?"
"my Ring of Have-to-be-a-member-of-the-LNH-Always (+67,888)," said
Munchkin Man pointing to a ring on his hand.
"Of course. Do you see anything that you can use?"
"hmm, oh wait!" said Munchkin Man as he spotted something. He quickly
pushed away various swords, cloaks, Four-Color Ninja bushes and grabbed
an amulet. "okay. got it!"
And then Munchkin Man magically whisked the both of them back into
Munchkin Man's room in the LNHHQ.
"What did you get?"
"oh, umm -- well," said Munchkin Man as he took off the amulet he was
wearing. "it's called an Amulet of
Don't-Have-to-be-in-Beige-Midnight-Anymore (+6753). bye!" And Munchkin
Man disappeared completely after he put it on.
Kid Recap sighed.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Occultism Kid put a piece of root in his mouth and began chewing it. It
was something he had obtained from Organic Lass -- something that was
supposed to help him cope with the damage the Insanity Gauntlet had done
to his brain. Something to help him focus on reality.
He looked at the huge crowd of LNH'rs that were waiting for him to
speak. There were tons of people here. He saw some old timers --
people from the Classic Squad -- also Legion of Net.Hippies. People
from the 90s like Dvandom Force -- Teenfactor -- The R-Men -- The Drizzt
Defenders -- U-Force. Of course it was always possible that some of
these people he was seeing weren't actually there -- just figments of
his Insanity Gauntlet damaged brain. He looked and saw the various
people standing next to him -- Dr. Stomper, Ultimate Ninja, Fearless
Leader, Catalyst Las -- and Rebel Yell. Was that actually Rebel Yell?
It didn't matter. Focus. The LNH is waiting for you to explain
everything. Everything you did.
"Hello, everything -- I mean everyone. I'm here to explain with Dr.
Stomper's help what has happened to the Looniverse -- what I did to the
Looniverse. An explanation of why every single sentient being except
for the LNH and the Bryttle Brothers has disappeared from the
Looniverse. Please bear with me -- focus is hard on my mind -- and I --
umm -- I -- where -- what am I..." Occultism Kid tried to think of what
he was talking about and then looked at the crowd and saw various dead
LNH'rs staring at him. Lost Cause Boy, Comics Snob Boy, Sig.Lad, Echo
Lad, Cauliflower, and various other LNH'rs that should have been dead
were gazing at him. Occultism Kid reached into a baggie for more root.
As he chewed on it the dead LNH'rs vanished.
"Are you all right, OK?" asked Dr. Stomper.
"Yeah. Maybe you should take over for the time being."
"Of course." Dr. Stomper took out his pointy.thingee and began pointing
it at various writings on the Big Screen behind him. "Okay based on all
of the information that Occultism Kid gave me -- here's what has
happened. Occultism Kid cast a huge spell using the Cosmic Plot Device,
Ring of Retconn, and Insanity Gauntlet -- that caused our Looniverse to
be split into countless Looniverses (just to make clear not an infinite
amount -- just a very, very big number of Looniverses -- based on what
Occultism Kid told me I figure the number is at least bigger than
Graham's Number, which is an insanely big number -- so let's just say
very, very big). Now let's imagine this line..." Dr. Stomper pointed
to a line. "Let's say that all of the Split Looniverses are on this
line. Now here's where we are." Dr. Stomper pointed to one end of the
line. "This is our Looniverse -- the only sentient beings are us
(LNH'rs over the age of 18) and the Bryttle Brothers. Now way over here
on the other side," Dr. Stomper pointed to the other end, "This is where
all of sentient beings who aren't LNH'rs or the Bryttles ended up. An
exact copy of our LNH is also on this Looniverse."
"Wait," said Nit-Pick Lad. "What does that mean? Who's the real LNH?
Are they clones -- robot duplicates, or something? Or are we the
clones? What's going on here?"
"We're both real. Both LNHes," said Occultism Kid. "It's -- I dunno..."
"Think of it as countless alternate timelines that were split from one
real LNH timeline," explained Dr. Stomper. "I was the real Dr. Stomper
-- and now I am one of countless Dr. Stompers in countless alternate
"So, what's the point of this all?" said Impatient Lad. "And what's on
all of those other Alternate Looniverse?"
"The rest of these," said Dr. Stomper pointing at the middles of the
line, "Are Looniverses where the only sentient beings are alternate
LNHes like ours. None of them have either the Bryttle Brothers or other
non-LNH sentient beings. As for the point of all this, the basic reason
is this: If the Bryttles should win their fight against us they would
have no choice, but to go to the next LNH-only Looniverse if they wanted
to continue there killing spree. And they would have to keep doing that
and doing that if they ever wanted to reach the LNH Looniverse that has
non-LNH sentient lifeforms -- which by the time they got to it would
have most likely died of natural causes -- even if they were to kill
every Looniverse in just a second."
"Wait," said Nit-Pick Lad. "Why couldn't the Bryttles just hop to the
Looniverse that has all the Innocent Bystanders?"
"That -- that's not going to happen," said Occultism Kid breaking into
the conversation. "They have to go through each Looniverse and they
have to kill each LNH. It's their nature. It's their purpose. They
can't ignore these LNHes -- they have to destroy them. And while they
do have the power to stop time or at least make it go very, very slow
they'd still have to make the trek between these countless Looniverses
and they don't have limitless energy -- they'd have to rest somewhere
along the way. Plus they like to take their time -- they don't like to
rush their kills. So, no. It will take them a long time."
"Wait. Is this the plan? For real?" said Sarcastic Lad with disbelief
in his eyes. "This is the plan? We get to die? We all get to die?
We're basically the first roadblock to a massive Bryttles Brothers
alternate LNH Looniverse killing spree? And we're hoping that by the
time they get to the Looniverse that has all of the innocent bystanders
-- that Innocent Bystanderverse has already died of natural causes?
This is it? This is our plan? Seriously? Because -- wow. I mean wow.
This is a brilliant plan. Absolutely brilliant. And for those of you
morons out there who don't understand sarcasm -- that was me being
sarcastic. I don't really think it's brilliant. In fact it's the exact
opposite of brilliant!!"
This was followed by a large uproar of angry LNH'rs -- third of which
agreed with Sarcastic Lad -- another third trying to get the other half
to calm down -- and another third angry at the previous two thirds for
disrupting their naps. Various curse words were shouted, punches were
thrown, food was tossed, and bets were made.
"Silence!" said the Ultimate Ninja as he pierced his gaze at every
single LNH'r in the room. And a great big hush fell over the room with
various heroes frozen in mid-punch. "Nothing has changed! Nothing!
We're in the same position we were in yesterday! The only things that
have changed is that we no longer have to worry about villains or
innocent bystanders. That gives us an advantage! The Bryttles are
nothing we haven't battled before countless times -- in fact the LNH
beat them. They beat them back in '92. And that was a far weaker less
experienced LNH than the one we have today! We are going to win this --
so get that in your head. We are going to bury the Bryttles. And all
of those other Looniverses? They don't matter. We're what matters!
We're the real LNH! We are! Get that in your heads! And the LNH
always wins! Always!!"
Various murmurs and mutterings came from the crowd of LNH'rs. The
Ultimate Ninja's words did nothing to erase the doubt and unease that
was starting to grow.
"Back to you," said Ultimate Ninja turning his head towards Occultism Kid.
"Thanks," said Occultism Kid with unease in his voice. "Look. I know
what I did -- and I dragged you here against your will, but you still
have a choice. You don't have to stay and fight -- you can go to the
next LNH-only Looniverse. Because of the nature of the spell you'll
merge with your alternate counterpart -- but you'll still have both
memories after you merge. And if you keep traveling to the other
Looniverses you can probably keep ahead of the bloodshed -- hopefully.
No one will think less of you if you do this. If you want to do this --
please go to Dr. Stomper's office for more information -- he'll explain
the process in greater detail. That's all I have to say."
With that said the LNH'rs started to clear out of the Really, Really Big
LNH Meeting Room. And some made their way towards Dr. Stomper's office.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Tomorrow: Part II of Issue Eleven!
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