REPOST/LNH/SG: Beige Midnight #9: PLANET MUHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHH!!!!!!!!!! II: "Mite-Lite of the Gods" (2/3)

[Arthur Spitzer]

Part II


                      **** <<--BM-->> ****




The old grizzled cowpoke swaggered over the battle torn LNHHQ front 
lawn.  His hands were itching to fill any sorry soul with lead that got 
in the way.  But there was only one sorry soul that he really cared 
about enough to snuff out.

His eyes scanned the field.  There.  His great enemy.  He took a shot 
just to get the varmint's attention.

The California Kid turned his head.  "Dude, you totally messed my hair." 
  And then he noticed who had shot him.  "Dude!  You're like dead or 
something."

The old man spit something on the ground.  Something black and 
disgusting.  "Yep, I was dead -- but I've been dead many, many times 
before.  And every time someone kills me, I rise from the ashes.  Rise 
from the ashes like the state capital of Arizona.  You know what that 
is, Californian?"

"Like Lake Havasu City or something ungnarly like that?"

"Lake Havasu City [*]?  It's called Lake Havasu!!  There is no City in 
its name you stupid Californian!!  And the capital of Arizona is..." 
But before he could give an explanation a crazy guy with a knife stabbed 
him to death.

"Knife Fight Duel!!  Knife Fight Duel!!" shouted Knife Fight Dude as he 
stabbed the already dead Arizona Kid a few more times.

"Dude!!" shouted the California Kid.  "You totally killed my greatest 
arch-bummer!!  Again!!  Not cool, Dude."

Knife Fight Dude looked slightly embarrassed.  "Ah, yeah.  Sorry about 
that.  I think I might have a problem.  I think I might have," he paused 
with a pained look on his face and then continued, "A knife fight duel 
addiction.  I should probably get help."

"Yeah, maybe you should, dude."



[* -- Actually there is a city called Lake Havasu City in Arizona -- 
Footnote Girl]



                      **** <<--BM-->> ****


And as Building Suspense Lad tumbled towards the ground, at the very 
last possible second he was caught by fuzzy ambiguous arms.

"Hey, dummy!" said Fuzzy.  "Try using your LNH Flight Ring -- why don't 
you!!"

"LNH Flight Ring?" asked a puzzled Building Suspense Lad.

"That thing on your right hand!!"

"Oh?  This?  I thought that was something for decorative purposes."

Fuzzy shook her head.  "Newbies," she muttered to herself.

"How about we grab a bite after this?"

"A bite?  Are you seriously asking me out on a date?  Do you see what's 
happening around us?  It's the friggin' end of the world!!"

"So is that a yes -- a no?"

"Look kid, I'm old enough to be your -- umm -- older sister."  And then 
Fuzzy paused and looked at the insanity surrounding her.  "Oh, what the 
hell.  If we survive all this -- then yeah, sure.  If we survive!  And 
I'm picking the restaurant -- and the movie!  And you're paying for 
everything!  And oh, yeah -- we're going to have some kind of sex 
because dammit if I'm going on some stupid date I better get some kind 
of sex out of it!  That's non-negotiable!  Understand?  You're okay with 
all of that?"

"Umm, yeah sure!"

"Alright then.  It's a damn date then -- assuming we're still alive 
tonight!"

"Okay!  When should I pick you up?"



                      **** <<--BM-->> ****


It was some kind of monster that seemed to be made up of pages.  Pages 
filled with LNH stories.  And it was tearing its way through the streets 
of Net.ropolis destroying everything in its path.

"What is that thing?" asked Retcon Lad.

"Let me check!" said Fourth Wall Lass as she moved above the constraints 
of the story she was in so she could read its text.  As she skimmed 
through Beige Midnight #9 she got to the part she was in and began to 
read closer.  The monster was some beast known as the Fourth Wallower. 
A beast that had formed in the cracks of the Fourth Wall and was made up 
of various LNH stories.  And every time someone broke the Fourth Wall, 
it became more and more powerful.  Broke the Fourth Wall!  Nothing about 
any weaknesses, she noticed reading further.  Have to go back, she 
thought even though she knew she'd cause even further damage to the 
Fourth Wall doing just that.

"Terri!  It's gotten more powerful!" said Retcon Lad.  "What is this thing?"

"It's called the Fourth Wallower," explained Fourth Wall Lass.  "And 
every time someone breaks the Fourth Wall -- it gets more and more 
powerful.  I didn't see any weaknesses."

"Maybe if I try retconning..." said Retcon Lad.

"No!" said Kid Not Appearing In Any Beige Midnight Story.  "Yours and 
Limp Asparagus Lad's powers by their very nature involve breaking the 
Fourth Wall.  You'll only be making it harder to stop.  I've got to take 
it on by myself!"

"Hmm," said Limp Asparagus Lad in a very bland toneless voice, "What you 
say is true.  However, since we are in Beige Midnight you shouldn't 
actually be in this miniseries -- should you?"

"Oh, right," said Kid Not Appearing In Any Beige Midnight Story.  And 
then he passed out from Beige Midnight poisoning.

"Umm, Limpy," said Retcon Lad.  "Couldn't you have waited till *after* 
he had defeated the Fourth Wallower before telling him that?"

"Hmm.  Good point," nodded Limp Asparagus Lad.

"Fourth Wallower Even More Powerful!!!!" shouted the Fourth Wallower.

"Guys.  We really need to stop breaking the Fourth Wall," said Fourth 
Wall Lass.

"Hmm.  Of course saying the words 'Fourth Wall' could technically count 
as breaking the Fourth Wall.  Especially if you had the word breaking 
next to them," pointed out Limp Asparagus Lad.

"Fourth Wallower Even More Powerful!!!!" shouted the Fourth Wallower.

"Right," said Retcon Lad.  "No more saying the words, 'Fourth Wall'.  No 
one say, 'Fourth Wall'.  Just don't say it."

The three heroes paused for a while as the Fourth Wallower continued to 
throw cars around the street and smash store windows.

"Boy," said Retcon Lad.  "Not breaking the Fourth Wall is a lot harder 
than it seems.  We should probably switch villains with somebody else."

"Fourth Wallower Even More Powerful!!!!" shouted the Fourth Wallower.

"Yes, definitely," said Fourth Wall Lass dodging a flying car.


                      **** <<--BM-->> ****


"I tell you Mind-O -- these End-of-the-World-Ragnarok Mixers are the 
best place to pick up chicks!" said Color-Error Man's Brother-in-Law 
swigging the beer he had.  "I can't even tell you how much tail I got 
back during that whole Bride of Cthulhu kegger!  It would boggle your 
mind!  Yeah, there's something about the world ending that causes 
women's baby making hormones to totally explode.  And you just say the 
word and they'll totally spread their legs!"  Color-Error Man's 
Brother-in-Law took another swig.  "That's just science, man!"

MIND-O-Saurus slightly rolled his eyes a bit.  "Aren't you married to 
someone?"

"Oh, you mean Donna?  Yeah -- but she's okay with it -- as long as she 
doesn't find out about it.  If she finds out about -- well, she gets 
really pissed. So, you know -- don't tell her anything about it.  Okay?"

"We're here to destroy the LNH.  Not pick up on women!"

"Hey, man!  Who says we can't do both!?  Speaking of which..." said 
Color-Error Man's Brother-in-Law spotting himself a female LNH'r. 
"Watch the Maestro go to work!"  Color-Error Man's Brother-in-Law 
spritzed something in his mouth.

Color-Error Man's Brother-in-Law walked over to the LNH'r and started 
chatting with her.  "Hey, babe.  Have you ever met an astronaut?  Well, 
then this is your lucky day -- because I'm an astronaut.  Yep.  And you 
want to know what my next mission is?  I'll tell you -- my next mission 
is -- to explore -- Uranus.  Get it?  Explore Ur-Anus!  Yeah, I want to 
explore -- Ur-Anus!  Tell you what -- lets go to a hotel and I'll 
explain that whole Uranus line a bit..."

The LNH'r shook her head and then she started to speak.  "SORRY!  I'D 
RATHER NOT.  YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY JUST ANOTHER SLEAZY SUPERVILLAIN AND NOT 
AN ASTRONAUT -- AND YES -- I DO GET THE URANUS LINE PERFECTLY WELL.  AND 
ALSO THAT RING ON YOUR FINGER SUGGESTS YOU'RE MARRIED TO SOMEONE -- POOR 
WOMEN WHOEVER SHE IS!  OH AND IT LOOKS LIKE YOUR EARDRUMS HAVE BURST DO 
TO MY SHOUTING AND YOU'VE LOST YOUR BALANCE!  SORRY ABOUT THAT!!  OH AND 
YOU'VE ALSO PASSED OUT, IT SEEMS -- SO THERE'S PROBABLY NO POINT IN 
CONTINUING THIS CONVERSATION!"

And Sister-SHOUT-the-Obvious looked at the two passed out supervillains. 
  "HMM!  THAT BEING SAID, IT IS THE END OF THE WORLD!  AND I CAN'T BE 
TOO PICKY!  I WONDER IF THAT WEIRD LOOKING DINOSAUR CREATURE IS SINGLE!"


                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

He was a man in a bear costume.  He had a vest and belt and attached to 
them were spools of thread.  And he could feel something tugging him. 
Something tugging him across this massive superhero and supervillain 
battlefield.  Something that felt like Destiny.

And he could also see another being tugged.  Being tugged towards him. 
It was the Wicked One.  A despicable degenerate creature that had killed 
thousands upon thousands of bears.  It was The Bear Killer.  Strangely 
enough the beast looked very human.  It wore some costume that looked 
like it had been pieced together by various bear body parts.

Thread Bear roared with anger.  "BEAR KILLER!!!!  Your time has come to 
an END!!!!"

The Bear Killer laughed an evil laugh.  "So, you're the so called 
'Thread Bear'!  Yes, maybe you will end me, but I shall end you too!  So 
is our fate!"

"Yes," nodded Thread Bear solemnly.  "So is our fate.  Then shall we begin?"

"Yes, Thread Bear," said the Bear Killer with a savage expression on his 
face.  "We shall..."  And then pain filled the Bear Killer's face.  A 
very horrible pain.  "Ow!  OWWW!!!!"

"What is wrong, Bear Killer?"

"My back!  It's been killing me all this week!  I thought it was getting 
better today, but -- oh..."

"Ouch!  I had a problem with my back like a month ago.  Well, then.  We 
should probably put off this battle till you've gotten your back checked."

"Oh, it's nothing..."

"No, I insist!"

"Really?  That's awfully kind of you.  How about we do this -- in oh say 
a month from now?"

Thread Bear shook his head.  "Got a thing going.  How about a year from 
now?'

The Bear Killer shook his head.  "Nope.  Won't do.  I've got something 
going too.  Two Years?"

Thread Bear shook his head.  "How about Five Years?"

"No.  Oh, I know!  How about Ten Years from now?"

"Hmm," said Thread Bear thumbing through his schedule planner.  "I think 
that could actually work.  Yeah!  Let's do that.  Ten Years from now!"

"Then Ten Years from now, Thread Bear.  We shall dance in each other's 
blood!  So it is written!!"

"So it is written!!" roared Thread Bear.  "Oh, and here's a card for 
back specialist I know.  He's a miracle worker."

"Thanks," said the Bear Killer who took the card and then disappeared 
into the raging battle.

Thread Bear looked at his watch.  "Hmm.  Looks like it's about quitting 
time!"


                      **** <<--BM-->> ****


And there were four of them.  The first one was a blonde haired women 
with swastikas tattooed all over her whole body.  She wore a leather SS 
outfit and she wielded a black whip.  Her name was Hitlerinna Hitlerella.

The second one was a man with scabs and scars all over his face.  He was 
sensitive sort and cried all of the time.  Tears of Blood.  His name was 
Fester O'Crying.  His weapon of choice was a chainsaw.

The third one looked like an average going guy.  He was just doing this 
for the money.  Hey, times were tough.  A dog eat dog world.  And 
sometimes you had to kill people to pay the bills.  His name was Dewey S 
Job.  He had a gun.

And the last one?  His name was Dead.  Dead the Receptionist.

All four were members of the Legion of Net.Freedom Lovers receptionist 
staff.  And now they were here to put to rest the LNH receptionist staff.

As they entered the LNHHQ lobby, they saw three people manning the 
receptionist desk.  Kyoko Ishikawa, who had two sharpened pencils in her 
hand.  Lester O'Brien, who had a hot pot of coffee.  And finally Fred. 
Fred the Receptionist.  Who had a gun.

"Could you explain to me why you're the only one of us that has a gun?" 
asked Kyoko.

"Hey, I'm not writing this story!" said Fred.

"Your outnumbered, LNH Receptionists!" cried Fester O'Crying.  "There's 
only three of you."

Fred cursed Bart silently.  You should be here with us Bart.  Damn you.

"Hey, I just want you people to know -- I have nothing against you 
guys," said Dewey S Job.  "Just paying the bills.  Nothing personal!"

"Shut up, weakling!" said Hitlerinna Hitlerella cracking her whip. 
"This is the beginning of the Master Race -- The Master Receptionist 
Race!!!!"  Hitlerinna cackled with glee.

"Faith and Begorrah!" said Lester O'Brien.

And Dead the Receptionist?  Dead the Receptionist said nothing.  He 
watched and waited.

"Kyoko!  Lester!  Let's show these bums what we're made of!" said Fred.

"That's easy for the guy who has the gun to say," muttered Kyoko as she 
clenched her sharpened pencils in her hands.

Hitlerinna laughed.  "You three are finished.  You three are..."  Before 
she could finish that thought though a car going at insane speeds 
crashed right through the sliding glass doors of the LNHHQ and plowed 
over three of the LNFL receptionists.  Dewey S Job who managed to not 
get hit dropped his gun and started to run for it only to be stopped by 
a pencil that Kyoko threw into his leg.

Fred looked at the damage.  Both Hitlerinna and Fester were bad off, but 
they would probably live.  Dead the Receptionist however -- was dead.

"Who?" asked Kyoko.  "Who was it driving?"

"There's only one man I know who can drive like that," said Lester O'Brien.

Fred nodded.  "Yes.  Buddy.  Buddy the Hard-Drinking-Liquored-Up LNH 
Receptionist!  He saved us with his drunk driving abilities."

"God bless him," said Lester.

"Oh right.  Him," nodded Kyoko.  "I remember that.  Ultimate Ninja fired 
him in less than a day.  I had to take over his shift."  She looked at 
Buddy's face.  It was leaning on the car's air bag.  There was something 
dripping off of his face.  Something red.  "He's not -- he's not...?"

Lester sniffed the air.  "Nope.  That's definitely Bloody Mary cocktail 
mix if I ever smelled it."

There was a goofy grin on Buddy's face.  And then Buddy the 
Hard-Drinking-Liquored-Up LNH Receptionist passed out.




                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

They were babies.  Babies with superpowers from another Looniverse.  An 
evil Looniverse.  There was Pocket Baby.  Organic Baby.  Baby Yell. 
Lurking Baby.  Baby Anarky.  Lost Cause Baby.  And Baby Continuity Champ.

"Ooh!  They're adorable!  Just adorable!" said Catalyst Lass as the evil 
LNH babies crawled closer.  "I mean, yes -- I know they're supposedly 
evil LNH babies, but really!  I'm sure all they need is a loving 
nurturing family to raise them and they'd all grow up to be decent 
caring superheroes.  That's what they need!"

"Umm.  Cat?  Maybe we should..." Cannon Fodder started to say, but was 
interrupted by Baby Continuity Champ flying right through his body.

"Oh!  Ouch!" said a wincing Catalyst Lass.  "Okay.  That's -- that's not 
so cute or adorable.  No.  Killing Cannon Fodder is wrong!  Naughty, 
naughty behavior!"  Catalyst Lass waved her fingers in a stern manner.


                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

There were lizard beasts, demon bikers, robot cowboys, revampire 
werewolves, cyborg mimes, cannibal televangelists, space pirate bankers, 
and other assorted creatures from peoples nightmares.  And they were all 
taking a break at the moment while they did various perverse things with 
various hero corpses.

And Bad Judgment Boy cleared his throat.  "*Ahem*.  Hey!  Hey, you 
pussies!  You cowards!  You sissy men and lipstick lesbians!!  Yeah 
you!!"  The various monstrosities turned their heads and looked at Bad 
Judgment Boy.  "I just wanted you all to know that I just had loads and 
loads of sex with your moms, sisters, girlfriends, wives, daughters, and 
aunts!!  And oh yeah -- your fathers, brothers, husbands, boyfriends, 
sons, and uncles and too!!!  And now they're all pregnant and have 
horrible STDs!!  And I only paid them a nickel!  Yeah!  A nickel!!  And 
that was probably 5 cents too much at that!!  Yeah!!  And now I'm going 
to kick all of your cry baby asses with my vast knowledge of Karate!! 
Yeah!!  Kay-Rot-Aye!!  But because I'm so badass I'll be doing it 
blindfolded and hopping on one foot!!  Yeah!!"  Bad Judgment Boy then 
took a blindfold he had and put it on while the various blood soaked 
villains watched.  And then he started to hop on one foot.  "Okay!!  I'm 
ready!!  Ready to kick all of your asses!!!  Let's get this Ass Kicking 
Started!!!"

And with that said all of the lizard beasts, demon bikers, robot 
cowboys, revampire werewolves, cyborg mimes, cannibal televangelists, 
space pirate bankers, and other assorted creatures from peoples 
nightmares began breaking bottles, starting their chainsaws, and other 
gruesome weapons so they could completely tear to pieces this stupid 
moron.  And then someone shouted, "Kill Him!!!!"

And the blindfolded Bad Judgment Boy began flailing his arms and hands. 
  He could hear various bodies being thrown to the ground.  Damn he was 
good!  He wasn't even hitting anyone and they were falling.  After 
awhile he couldn't hear anyone attacking him.  He paused his flailing 
and took a peak out of his blindfold.  Damn!  Every single one of them 
was bound and gagged!

"Damn," said Bad Judgment Boy.  "I am the best!"  And then Bad Judgment 
Boy pumped his fist in the air.  Time to celebrate!  Maybe he'd have sex 
with a goat, while someone took pictures of it and he could use that for 
his Christmas Cards photo.  Yeah!  Great idea!

Bad Judgment Boy didn't bother to read any of the post-it notes that 
were attached to all 13,000 bad guys.


      +------------------------------------------------+
      |                                                |
      | Dear LNHers,                                   |
      |                                                |
      |     Hope this helps some.  Wish I could do     |
      | more.  Alas, there are billions of crimes      |
      | being committed as I write these words in my   |
      | own home Altiverse so I must get back there.   |
      |     I wish you luck though.  May good triumph  |
      | over evil... and all that jazz!                |
      |     Oh!  And that Mr. Paprika soft drink?  It  |
      | is a Man's pop, isn't it!                      |
      |     And oh yes!  You should probably keep that |
      | Bad Judgment Boy fellow away from sharp        |
      | objects!                                       |
      |                                                |
      |                                  Best Regards, |
      |                                  Superguy      |
      |                                                |
      +------------------------------------------------+



                      **** <<--BM-->> ****


LNHHQ Sub-Sub Basement 58.5 --



And as Occultism Kid prepared to put on the Ring of Retconn, he felt a 
sharp jolt.  It was from the Cosmic Plot Device.  He could feel a deep 
hatred emit from the Cosmic Plot Device.  It didn't want anything to do 
with the Ring of Retconn.  And the Ring felt likewise.  It didn't really 
matter to Occultism Kid though.  He didn't really care about whatever 
history or whatever caused this hatred.  He had much bigger things to 
worry about.

As he slipped the Ring on, he felt another rush of power overwhelm him. 
  He watched as the various Trenchcoater circles that surrounded him 
absorbed part of the Ring's power like a sponge.  And he watched as the 
various Trenchcoaters convulsed and shivered as the power passed through 
them.  And then he felt a huge pain.  And he looked down.  Blood was 
oozing and dripping down on the pentagram.  This was bad.  This was very 
bad.  It must have been the power surge caused by putting on the Ring. 
It must have caused Lady 58.5 to temporarily lose control over whatever 
spell she had used to pause the wounds bleeding.  And now it was really 
bleeding.  And the blood drops were already interfering with the spell. 
  He had to do something quickly or he was going to pass out from blood 
loss.  He had to retcon the wound away.

And so he focused the Ring's power on the wound.  And it was never 
there.  It had never been there.  He had never been stabbed by that 
acolyte of the Bryttle Brothers.  Everything was perfectly fine now.  It 
had always been fine.

And then he heard a cackling sound.  It was that annoying invisible 
force in the room that was messing with the juke box and light switches. 
  Why was it laughing?

Occultism Kid ignored the laughing force and focused his mind on the 
still sleeping forms of the Bryttle Brothers.  No.  Still not enough 
power.  Occultism Kid sighed.  He was going to have to put on the 
Insanity Gauntlet.  He had no choice now.  And then a notion popped into 
his head.  What if.  What if he hadn't used the ring to heal his wound? 
  Would he have had enough power to stop the Bryttles?  Was that why the 
invisible force was laughing?  Was Occultism Kid's choice to save his 
own life something that he'd eventually regret?  Was he supposed to 
sacrifice his own life to stop the Bryttles?  And now that he had failed 
to do that he would have to sacrifice others to ultimately end Dekay and 
Diskolor?

It was pointless to speculate.  He couldn't retcon his retcon.  He would 
have to live with his choice.  He would have to wear the Insanity Gauntlet.

And the Invisible Force continued to laugh.  And Occultism Kid felt a 
great anger in him.  He would destroy that thing.  How dare it laugh at him!

He scanned the room using his cosmic devices.  Nothing.  There was 
nothing!  Could this being be so powerful that it could hide its 
presence from the Cosmic Plot Device and Ring of Retconn?

It didn't matter.  Maybe it could hide from the Cosmic Plot Device and 
Ring of Retconn, but it couldn't hide from the Insanity Gauntlet.

No.  He'd find it and destroy it.  And he'd watch it scream.

His hand reached for the Gauntlet.  But before he could put it on, the 
Crossover Gem suddenly burst a huge beam towards the ceiling and beyond 
that.

What the hell, thought Occultism Kid as the beam grew brighter.


                      **** <<--BM-->> ****


Above the LNHHQ's Front Lawn --


The Crossover Queen smiled.  She could feel the power of the Crossover 
Gem start to absorb into her body.  The Gem was somewhere close.  She 
could taste it.  Her various H'yyydde'uzzian sources said it was located 
in one of the sub-sub basements of the LNHHQ.  Finally, it would be hers 
again.  And once she got it (and whatever other baubles that were 
located there) she'd have the power to rule the Looniverse once again 
and bring about the Ultimate Crossover to End All Crossovers.

Still, there were tons of superheroes that would probably try to stop 
her.  She'd have to do something about them.  Yes, she would.

Her hand began to crackle with the Crossover energy she had taken from 
the gem and she focused that energy on the ground below.

"Come back Crossovers of old!  Come back the Finished and the 
Unfinished!!  Come back my children!!  Come back and Destroy!!"

And various abominations and monstrosities began crawl out of the 
ground.  Beings made of retcons, flame, gibberish, pointless deaths, and 
mutton.

The Personifications of Old, Dead Crossovers and Events began to rise. 
First the Cosmic Plot Device Caper and then the rest.  Electrocutioner's 
Song.  Robot Invasion.  Bad Forms.  Omaha Project.  All Six Flame Wars. 
  The Century Pact.  Mutton Mania.  The Imagine Saxon's RACCies Family. 
  And countless others.

"Destroy!" said Crossover Queen pointing towards the LNHHQ.  "Destroy 
the LNH!!!"  And they obeyed.

And somewhere on the ground Continuity Porn Star convulsed and spasmed 
with ecstasy.



                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

"Free Pretzels!!  Get your Free Pretzels!!  All the Free Pretzels you 
could possibly want -- And they're Free!!"

"Oh boy!" said a short green toad like creature in white boxer shorts. 
A creature who liked to think of himself as the champion of the city of 
Espayola (the citizens of Espayola thought otherwise).  A creature known 
to the world at large as -- The Slobbering Grue!  He quickly hopped over 
the dead bodies of heroes and villains to the free pretzel stand.  "Free 
things!  Free Things!  I like Free Things!"  Which was true, although he 
liked to steal things even more.  "How many can I get for free?"

"You can have them all if you want!" explained the Free Pretzel Stand 
Man.  "They're all Free!  You can eat every single one of them!!"

"Wow!!" said Slobbering Grue!  "Every single one of them?"

"Yes," smiled the Free Pretzel Stand Man.  "Every single one of them! 
But you'll have to eat them quickly because they're only free for the 
first 15 minutes!  And then sadly you'll have to pay for them!!"

"Oh no!" gasped Slobbering Grue!  "Say it ain't so!!  Oh, well.  Guess I 
better start eating then?"

"Yes, that would probably be a good idea."

And Slobbering Grue began to gorge himself silly on free pretzels.  He 
stuffed pretzel upon pretzel as he raced to beat the Free Pretzel clock.

The Free Pretzel Stand Man looked at his watch as Slobbering Grue! 
stuffed the last pretzel.  "Amazing!  You ate them all!  In less than 15 
minutes!"

"Oh man," groaned Slobbering Grue! who now had a great big tummy ache. 
And his mouth was very dry.  "Do you have anything free to drink?  Boy, 
I'm thirsty!"

"Sorry no," said the Free Pretzel Stand Man shaking his head.  "All I 
can give you is..." and he paused while pulling out a cross bow, "Is 
Death!!!!!"  And then he ripped off his mask to reveal himself as 
The-Villain-That-Would-Have-Appeared-In-JONG-#7-If-The-Writer-Had-Bothered-to-Write-That-Far! 
  "Yes it's me, TVTWHAIJ7ITWHBTW-That-Far!!  And now I can finally get 
revenge on you, Slobbering Grue!  And because of all those pretzels you 
ate your Slobbering powers won't be able to save you now!!  You're 
Finished!!  Muhahahhahahahahahahah!!!!!!!"

"Oh man!" said Slobbering Grue! snapping his fingers.  "I really should 
have seen that coming!"



                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

It was a mish mash of cornfields, manacle grinned shades, Ultimate Mr. 
Paprika Frisbees, broken bits of the Fifth Wall, and Omaha tourist 
pamphlets.  And it was making its way towards the LNHHQ to destroy the LNH.

"No," said a trenchcoated man looking up at the monstrosity.  "We're not 
dealing with this again.  Tell me, we're not doing this again."  He was 
a man called Drifter.

==I'm afraid we are,== responded an eagle through telepathic means.  The 
eagle's name was Windrider.

"I mean -- how did we get here?  We shouldn't be here!  I feel strange. 
  Like I'm being completely written out of character.  Like I'm..."

==Yes.  We're both being written incredibly out of character.  I'm 
afraid there is only one answer, although you might not like it.==

"Just give it to me straight."

==We're robot duplicates of the real Drifter and Windrider.==

"Seriously?  Well, I guess that explains my cravings for motor oil.  So 
what should we..."

==Look out!!==  And the Windrider robot duplicate flew between the 
Drifter robot duplicate and the Personification of the Omaha Project. 
And the Personification of the Omaha Project grabbed the Windrider robot 
duplicate and crushed it in its fist of cornfields.

"No!!!" screamed the Drifter robot duplicate as he whipped out two 
machine guns and began firing at the Omaha Project.  "Damn you, Omaha 
Project!!  Damn you to Hell!!!!!"  But the bullets did no good against 
the Omaha Project.  And the Omaha Project grabbed the Drifter robot 
duplicate and crushed him to death also.

"Hmm, I don't remember Drifter ever firing a machine gun," said 
Easily-Discovered Man Lite entering the scene.  "Or fighting in Matrix 
Slo-mo."

"We should not jest," said Easily-Discovered Man with a hint of 
disapproval.  "Those robot duplicates gave their lives to protect us."

"Yeah, yeah," said Easily-Discovered Man Lite.  "Look maybe we should be 
fighting a villain that's a bit -- oh, I don't know -- easier to fight? 
  I mean I'm not even sure why I'm here.  I'm pretty sure I was never 
actually in the Omaha Project.  That was I think Ubiquitous Boy or 
something pretending to be me.  At least that's the story I gave to 
Continuity Champ -- and I'm sticking by it.  Maybe we could fight the 
Personification of Mutton Mania.  Yeah, we could get some Mint Jelly and..."

"Look around you, Lite."  Easily-Discovered Man swept his hand across 
the horizon.  "There are no easy battles left to fight."

Unfortunately, the Prof was probably right, thought Easily-Discovered 
Man Lite.  He looked everywhere around him.  Heroes all around him were 
being overwhelmed by the millions of villains that were swarming all 
over them.  It seemed almost impossible that the LNH could possibly win. 
  Only heroes like Kid Kirby, Captain Continuity, and Ultimate Ninja 
seemed to make the impossible seem possible.  He watched the Ultimate 
Ninja slice the head off of the Mutton Mania Personification 
effortlessly.  Well, so much for that idea.  He turned his head and saw 
Pliable Lad and Tour Guide Girl racing towards him.

"Wow, Pli?  Touri?  Haven't seen you in a long time -- since the wedding 
I think.  What brings you..."

"Nope," said Pliable Lad ripping off his mask.  "I'm actually Ubiquitous 
Boy pretending to be Pliable Lad!"

"And I'm," said Tour Guide Girl ripping off her mask, "Actually 
Ubiquitous Lass!"

"Umm, okay," said a baffled Easily-Discovered Man Lite.  "And why are 
you both pretending to be Pliable Lad and Tour Guide Girl?"

"This will all be revealed in Ubiquitous Force: The Beige Midnight 
Tie-In!" said Ubiquitous Boy dodging a cornstalk from the Omaha Project.

"You know -- that's never going to be written," said Easily-Discovered 
Man Lite.  "You realize that, don't you?"

"Fine!" grumbled Ubiquitous Boy.  "Then I guess we'll never know why me 
and Ubiquitous Lass were disguised as Pliable Lad and Tour Guide Girl!!"

"You know -- we should probably be focusing on how to defeat this Omaha 
Project monster.  How did we do it last time -- I think it was Russ 
Allbery who killed it.  Anyone have his number?  Hey, guys?  Where did 
you go?"

"Lite!"  Easily-Discovered Man Lite felt himself getting pushed as he 
heard Easily-Discovered Man cry out his name.  He turned his head and 
saw with horror as one of the Omaha Project cornstalks pierced through 
the Prof's chest and watched his mentor fall to the ground.

"No," said Easily-Discovered Man Lite said in shock as he watched blood 
gush out of Easily-Discovered Man's chest.  "No, Prof.  This isn't -- 
Oh, god!"  He looked as various heroes fought with the Omaha Project. 
Parking Karma Kid and the R-Men had joined the battle.  "We've got to 
get you out of here, Prof!  Get you some medical help.  I've got..."

Easily-Discovered Man shook his head.  "It's okay.  It's over.  I can 
see a -- Light."

"Quit talking like that, Prof.  It's not over!  We just need to find 
Organic Lass or -- somebody -- and..."  Easily-Discovered Man Lite began 
to look around the battlefield.  "We'll get you patched up.  You're not 
going to die.  You're not going to die!  We just need to..."

"It's okay."  Easily-Discovered Man squeezed Easily-Discovered Man 
Lite's hand.  "I'm not your Easily-Discovered Man."

"What?"

"I'm from an alternate world.  One where the LNH is a cruel team 
responsible for many horrible acts.  I was going to kill you.  That was 
my plan."

Lite looked at him.  A guy who looked exactly like his Prof.  "But you 
didn't.  You saved me.  Why did you save me?"

"I..." said the Easily-Discovered Man from another world.  "I don't know 
-- I don't..."  And then the alternate Easily-Discovered Man's eyes went 
blank.  He was dead.

Lite looked at the dead body of the alternate Easily-Discovered Man. 
Well, that explains why he wasn't wearing those stupid gold cowboy 
boots.  Where was the Prof then?  Was he okay?  He looked at the various 
heroes still fighting the Omaha Project.  He watched the Omaha Project 
kill the R-Men, Gelatin.  Only it turned out that Gelatin was actually a 
Dorfian Shapeshifter -- and not actually Gelatin.  This was completely 
insane.  Was he the only real person here?

He watched the Omaha Project crush the villain billionaire, Pister 
Maprika.  Easily-Discovered Man Lite rushed over to the villain. 
"You're Pister Maprika, right?  Tell me that's who you are?"

The dying Pister Maprika shook his head.  "No.  Actually I'm a Pister 
Maprika impersonator that the real Pister Maprika hired."  And those 
were the Pister Maprika impersonator's last words.

Easily-Discovered Man Lite realized then that he was the only one that 
could possibly stop the Omaha Project.  Otherwise it would continue to 
mow down the various alien shapeshifters, robo-duplicates, and alternate 
LNH'rs that got in its way.  He was going to have to stop it.  He looked 
as the Omaha Project killed Parking Karma Kid (who also turned out to be 
a Dorfian Shapeshifter).  And then he saw something.  It was tag on the 
Omaha Project.  It read, 'Pull to reveal as Hoax.'  Pull to reveal as 
Hoax.  Was that it?  Was that all it would take?  Just pull some stupid tag?

Of course pulling the tag on some homicidal killing machine that had 
already killed a number of alien shapeshifters, robo-duplicates, and 
Alternate Looniverse LNH'rs sounded pretty dangerous.  Something that 
could get him killed.  Maybe he should let some other hero handle this? 
  There was bound to be another real hero that would fight the Omaha 
Project.  There had to be, right?  And then Lite noticed the woman with 
the baby carriage.  The Woman with the Baby Carriage!!  Why in the world 
would a woman be pushing her baby in the middle of a superhero/villain 
brawl?  Some people shouldn't be parents.  Well, that does it.  He had 
no choice.  He had to save them.  And Lite rushed towards the Omaha 
Project leaping on its back.  As Lite reached for the tag, he felt a 
huge amount of pain as one of the Omaha Project's cornstalks stabbed 
into him.  Oh hell.  He pulled the tag.  The Omaha Project 
Personification ceased to exist.

And Easily-Discovered Man Lite fell to the ground.  He looked at his 
chest.  And then he laughed as he saw sparks come out of his body.  Of 
course!

"Have to admit though, I thought the twist would be that I'd be one of 
those 
LNH-Readers-Who-Are-Sick-To-Death-With-These-Damn-Neverending-Events-Liberation 
Front guys," said the Easily-Discovered Man Liter robo-duplicate.

"No," said K.Oss tearing off his mask to reveal -- well you know, 
"That's who I am."

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****


TOMORROW: Part III of Issue Nine!