LNH20: Bite-Size Tales of the LNH v20 #8: "Oddball Season"
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Fri Oct 12 00:14:35 PDT 2012
Bite-Size Tales of the LNH v20 #8:
By Andrew Perron
"Now you've done it!" shouted Doc Nostalgia. "Your meddling with the
fabric of space and time has caused a hole to open into some alternate
"Look," said Kid Ethusiastic, "I said I didn't think it was a good idea
if I cooked, but you were like 'blah blah blah every LNHer has to do
"Guys, shut up and look!" said Manga Girl, pointing to the strange
figures which were emerging from the rip.
First out was a tall woman, dressed as a 16th-century Ottoman
infantryman. Behind her came a man with a big droopy moustache and huge
poofy pants. Leaping out from behind them was a black, furry shape with
couch pillows strapped to her back. Holding out a beeping flashing box,
she spoke: "Janissary Frost! Professor Pantaloons! We've made it
through the portal into the other Looniverse safely!"
"Excellent work, Agent Make Forts Every Day," said the woman.
"Hopefully, someone here can help us with the problem plaguing our
"Stop right there!" said Doc Nostalgia, holding up a hand as Manga Girl
mouthed 'Looniverse?' "In the name of the Legion of Net.Heroes,
The one who was called Professor Pantaloons posed dramatically. "We
are... THE ODDBALL LNH!"
"...I thought that was us-- mmmmf!" Manga Girl removed her hand from
Kid Enthusiastic's mouth, and he continued unabated. "You seem to be
counterparts of our LNH from another universe!"
"Indeed, and you of ours!" said Janissary Frost, putting her
long-barreled musket into parade rest. "For example, your counterpart
is Kid Eucharistic, he whose body is both blessed and delicious."
"Cool! But really gross! But cool!" said Kid Enthusiastic.
"Then how about me?" said Manga Girl, revealing her quick sketch of the
three Oddballs. "Does my counterpart do some other sort of drawing?"
Agent MFED shook her head. "No, I'm sorry. Topanga Girl was crushed by
celery during Boy Meets War Without Worlds."
Manga Girl winced. "Ouch."
The furry one nodded. "Her fate was stalking her from the day she
"Then I assume my counterpart does *not* hold up the values of a past
age in the same way as I?" said Doc Nostalgia, arching his brow.
"Oh, um, yes," said Professor Pantaloons, smiling nervously and
revealing HUGE teeth. "Your counterpart is..." He squinted at his hand.
"Doc Knows Algia, and his power is to... um..." He tugged at his shirt
sleeve, revealing more writing. "Identify any kind of bodily pains and
"What's the matter?" DN leaned in suspiciously. "You sound a bit
"Uh, nonsense," said PP. "I'll just cast a memory charm using the
Mystic Pantaloons..." He turned away, mumbling to himself.
"Uh, I'll help," said Agent Make Forts Every Day. "I'm the cat who's
got his tongue."
"Hey, wait," said Kid E. "Agent M isn't a cat, so why are you?"
"That's a very good question," said Janissary Frost, interposing
herself between the LNHers and her fellow Oddballs. "And as an answer,
hey, look at this!" She pulled out a pair of tiny cow dolls and pushed
their faces together. "Mmmmmmmwah!"
"That's it!" Doc Nostalgia pushed his way past JF and swung Professor
Pantaloons around. "I demand to know--" He paused. "Your moustache is
Professor P's eyes grew wide. "Oh, well, um, you see, uh, the thing
"The thing about that is..."
"..." The Mystic Pantaloons fell in a heap around PP's ankles.
"...crap! Everybody, back through the hole!" He dove for the
dimensional rip and vanished in a flash of light.
The other two followed, Agent MFED shouting behind her, "If I'd known
we were going, I'd have been a fake!" With a thunderous inrush of air,
the portal vanished.
"...hrm," said Doc Nostalgia.
"Huh," said Manga Girl.
"Well," said Kid Enthusiastic, dusting off his hands. "I believe we've
all learned a valuable lesson from this.
"Oh?" said Manga Girl. "What's that?"
"I should never have to have kitchen duty ever again."
"Now wait just a second..."
The three Oddballs materialized on a wooden stage. "Dangit!" shouted
the woman who'd called herself Janissary Frost, taking off her helmet
and tossing it on the floor. "If you two had stayed in character, we'd
be on our way to a major team-up right now!"
"Oh, sure - and I assume playing with toys is perfectly in character
for a janissary!" said the man, stepping out of his pantaloons. "Oh,
and Kid To-Be-Or-Not-To-Be? These Power Shakespeare costumes don't work
worth a tinker's damn!"
"Thou'rt not intended to tug and tear," said the Player on the Cosmic
Stage. "The illusion was damaged irrep'rably."
"Yeah, yeah," said the furry one, taking a towel and trying fruitlessly
to rub the black dye off. "I don't understand why I couldn't go as
myself. They *have* a counterpart to me! But the cat was away, and our
squeeze didn't play."
The threesome jumped in their boots as someone who was wearing a very
good ninja but not the best walked up. "Cattle Kiss Lass, Doctor
Chompers, Puntra. Glad you made it back safe."
Doctor Chompers, nee Professor Pantaloons, nodded nervously. "Yes,
Penultimate Ninja turned and looked at the readings from the
interdimensional platform. "So how did the attempt to insert yourselves
into the new imprint and get us new readers go?"
Cattle Kiss Lass, nee Janissary Frost, shook her head. "We couldn't
keep up the act. I'm just glad they didn't try to touch us - the
Looniverse wouldn't have exploded or anything!"
"It's not even like they know it's a Looniverse," groused Puntra, nee
Agent MHED. "They call it Earth-20. More of a Gooniverse, if you ask
"Hrm. I see. Well, then." He turned to a figure in the corner. "I
suppose it's all up to you, then."
A figure stepped out. Its bottom half was that of a fish, and its top,
an anthropomorphic bird. It was dressed in an outfit that was half
ninja, half Power Ranger. "Yes, sir! Ultimate Mer-Canary is on the
Author's Note: I've had this idea floating around in my head for
MONTHS, but Rob's post finally spurred me to write it.
A bit of backstory, for those not in the know:
The Oddball Legion are a Classic LNH concept, created by Ken Schmidt
and Jameel al Khafiz. Basically, Particle Man, having just escaped from
one of the various Evil LNH universes (I hope they died in Beige
Midnight!), ended up on the Astral Plane, weak and hallucinating.
Because the raw worldstuff of the Astral Plane responds to will, his
hallucinations came to life as a warped version of the Legion. They
would have disappeared after he left, but managed to stabilize
However! They soon found out that their world had lost reality as soon
as they left it. They sent members out into the Looniverse so that they
could encounter LNHers and attract readers to their world, bringing
realness along with them. At first, it was thought that if an Oddball
touched their LNHer counterpart, 10% of the Looniverse would be
destroyed; however, the Van Damme Stranger (see what Ken did there)
said that wouldn't happen, and whatever did happen would be "not that
The only Oddballs in this story who have appeared before are
Penultimate Ninja and Ultimate Mer-Canary. All the others are Free For
Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, a public service announcement
followed me home the other day~
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