G!: Biomechanoid Angel GENESIS #0:
Edward Protera
protera at ohnosecond.com
Thu May 17 19:47:27 PDT 2012
On Fri, 18 May 2012 00:16:39 +0000 (UTC), Scott Eiler wrote:
> > The tumbling lunar fragments. A small subroutine had been idly plotting
> > their trajectories, as one might drum one's fingers in tension. But
> there
> > was one-- no, three-- no, a dozen pieces whose motion was outside the
> > margin of error.
>
> Perhaps "planetary" might be a better word than "lunar" to describe the
> fragments. I had to reread the story twice to find out what moon was
> around when the planet was blown up. (I don't think moons get to be
> planets too.)
Actually, there is a moon. It's mentioned on the cover and in the first
paragraph... and the planet didn't get blown up so much as it did scorched
and blackened.
> But that's all I've got for critique. Your wording, your drama, and
> your plotline seem impeccable so far. Off to a good start.
>
> And Andrew should probably find more people to help him write. 8{D>
I totally agree, he's a great collaborator! So many awesome ideas <3
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