G!: Biomechanoid Angel GENESIS #0:

Scott Eiler seiler at eilertech.com
Thu May 17 17:16:39 PDT 2012

On 05/16/2012 12:27 AM, Edward Protera wrote:

>       Let me be perfectly clear: We want and need critique. Especially me,
> as I'm the less experienced writer of the pair, though I'm sure Drew will
> welcome it as well. Opinions! Things you liked! Things you didn't! We're
> all ears (well, eyes)!
>            --Edward

Well, since you asked...

 > 	The tumbling lunar fragments.  A small subroutine had been idly plotting
 > their trajectories, as one might drum one's fingers in tension.  But 
 > was one-- no, three-- no, a dozen pieces whose motion was outside the
 > margin of error.

Perhaps "planetary" might be a better word than "lunar" to describe the 
fragments.  I had to reread the story twice to find out what moon was 
around when the planet was blown up.  (I don't think moons get to be 
planets too.)

But that's all I've got for critique.  Your wording, your drama, and 
your plotline seem impeccable so far.  Off to a good start.

And Andrew should probably find more people to help him write.  8{D>

More information about the racc mailing list