REPOST/LNH: Beige Countdown #12 - 'The New Triumvirate'

Arthur Spitzer arspitzer at
Thu May 10 12:39:45 PDT 2012

REPOST/LNH:  Beige Countdown #12 - 'The New Triumvirate'

[Cover:  A photo of Continuity Champ, Rebel Yell, and The Ultimate 
Ninja.  Red Xs cross the heads of Continuity Champ and Rebel Yell.  A 
black-gloved hand begins to scribe an X across The Ultimate Ninja's 
face.  Down on the bottom is the text 'The New Triumvirate'.]

                             [B  E  I  G  E]

                [C  O  U  N  T   # 1 2    D  O  W  N]
                                   1 1
                                   1 0



Bad Timing Boy slammed the brakes of his Ford Pinto.  Arrrghghhg!! 
Damn.  Another Red light.  Every time he came close to a stoplight it 
turned on him.  No wonder Can't-Get-A-Break-at-the-Lights Man became a 

There was no way he was going to get to that LNH meeting on time at this 
rate.  Wait!  Maybe -- just maybe.  If he exited on Barnes and took 
Kogutt he could get to Bingham Ave without having to deal with all of 
these lights!

Bad-Timing Boy quickly made a right.  And as he did, he realized what a 
horrible idea that had been.

No!  Not a traffic jam!  Maybe he could pull out.  He looked into his 
rearview mirror.  Damn.  A bunch of cars were behind him.  How could 
this be?  No one ever drove on Barnes!  What was causing this? 
Something in the distance.  Some type of building?  In the middle of the 
street?  A beige building?  A beige building with a clock?  Hmm.  The 
clock hands seemed to be on one o'clock.  That couldn't be right!  It 
couldn't be one o'clock yet!  Bad-Timing Boy looked at his watch.  Damn. 
  His watch didn't seem to be working.  And he had just bought it a week 
ago.  Well, this was just great!

Bad-Timing Boy sighed to himself.  Better call headquarters and tell 
them I'm going to be late.  He clicked on his comm.thingee.  "Hey, 
Multi-Tasking Man?  Don't think I'm going to make the meeting.  Hey!  No 
need to be sarcastic!  I'm stuck in traffic!  No, really!  Really!! 
Look.  There's this big beige tower -- and it's totally blocking every 
car on Barnes and Kogutt!  I'm serious!  Look, just send a 
flight.thingee here!"  Bad-Timing Boy clicked it off.

Bad-Timing Boy heard various people honking horns behind him.  Maybe he 
should get out of his car and check the tower out.  Then again maybe the 
wisest thing would be to just stay put.  Bad-Timing Boy sighed again. 
Whatever he did he'd wind up screwed.  He clicked on the radio.

<<And the Ultimate Ninja was escorted to jail for further questioning 
related to the wReamicus Maximus murder...>>

Well.  Life could be worse.



                         'The New Triumvirate'


1945 --


And then a light bursts from the tip of a match head.  Shades of gray 
start to develop.  The lit match exposes a tone gray hand.  A hand that 
guides the match towards a dangling cigarette.  And a tone gray mouth.

And the cigarette burns.  And a cloud of moral ambiguity starts to form.

Noises.  More light burst into the darkness.  A man holding a lantern 
reveals more details.  The grayish toned man smoking a cigarette wears a 
trenchcoat.  Shells and artillery burst outside.

"Senor Noirish?  They're all dead!"

The Grayish Trenchcoated Man lets out a nod as he looks down.  Dead 
Nazis litter the ground.

"Who do you think killed them?"

"It doesn't matter.  We need to find it.  It has to be here.  Start 

The man with the lantern puts it down and starts to search through the 
belongings of the dead men.  "There's not much here.  Just some garbage 
and some trashy American comic books."

"Comic Books?  Why would Nazis have American comic books?"  The 
trenchcoated man walks over to where the comics are.

The trenchoated man winces as he touches the comics.  The gray toned 
world that surrounds him can't seem to affect the comics.  Bright Four 
Colors sparkle out of them.

He picks up one of the comics.  A comic called 'Two-Fisted Boy Lad 
Combat'.  The cover shows a picture of Boy Lad mooning an outraged 
Hitler.  The bottom of the comic displays text promising 'A dead Kraut 
and Jap in Every Page!!'  The trenchcoated man flips through the pages 
of the comic to see if that promise is in fact true.  As he flips 
through the comic he notices something strange.  The character called 
Boy Lad seems to be carrying a book.  There is no explanation of why 
he's carrying this book or what the book is about.  Every page.  What is 
the book?

"Sanchez!  Hand me over that silver cross of yours!"

"Vampires?" Sanchez asks clutching his crucifix even tighter.

"No, nothing like that.  I just need to test something.  Promise. 
Really, I promise."

Sanchez with some suspicion reluctantly takes off his cross and hands it 
to the trenchcoated man.

Phil M Noirish dangles the cross above the comic book.  As soon as the 
cross touches the comic a warped pool cascades across the books.  The 
illusion shatters.  And a book remains.

"Is it the book?"

Phil M Noirish doesn't answer at first.  He opens it and his eyes become 
hypnotized by every page as he flips through it.

Finally after several hours he manages to free himself from the 
beguiling book.  "Yes.  It's the book.  God yes.  It's the answer.  The 
answer to everything.  It's going to solve everything.  Every single 
problem.  This book will make us Gods, Sanchez.  Sanchez?  Sanchez?"

But Sanchez is no longer there.


2007 --

"I don't know how long I can hold him off."  The thin detective had a 
worried expression on his face.  "He's going through a bad divorce right 
now.  And I think he's been drinking.  Who knows what he's capable of! 
And did I mention he has this thing for ninjas?  They make him go crazy. 
  Yes!  Crazy!  And you don't want to see him when he's crazy!  God 
knows what he's going to do!  I don't know if I'll be able to stop him. 
  I'm not sure if anyone will be able to stop him!  You think you've 
seen 'Bad' Cops before.  But you haven't.  My partner.  He's the 
Ultimate Bad Cop.  And once you release him from the bottle -- there's 
no putting him back in.  Nope."

The thin detective looked uneasily at the door.  Outside someone was 
pounding it.  Pounding it with the rage of a mad man.  "Let me at him!! 
  I'll get the answers!!  I'll break them out of him!!  Crack each 
bone!!!!!  Suck the marrow!! I'll break them all!!  Die!!!!  Die!!!!! 
Open this damn door or I'll smash it down!!!!!  Let me in!!!!!"

"So, why don't you just confess?  I mean, doesn't part of you want to 
confess?  I mean no one really ever like wReamicus Maximus.  Why, I bet 
they'd throw you a parade if you confessed!  And heck, if you confess 
I'll even throw in this tasty donut!  Mmm!  Tasty!  Ready to confess?" 
The thin detective dangled the donut in front of the suspect.

The thin detective waited for the suspect sitting at the table to 
answer.  The suspect garbed in a black pajama type suit tapped four 
fingers on the table with a slow steady rhythm.

"Do you know who I am?" asked the suspect.

"Umm, yeah.  You're the..."

"Silence.  Do you see that fly up on the ceiling?"

The thin detective looked up and saw an insect crawling near an air 
duct.  "Uh, yeah.  What about it?"

"Observe."  Suddenly the fly stopped moving.  And it fell.  It fell onto 
the table.  And as it hit the table, it divided into two equal parts. 
Perfectly split down the middle.

"Jesus Christ!  What did the hell did you do?"

"I looked at it funny.  I ask you again, Do you know who I am?  I am the 
correct answer to the question, 'Who in the entire Looniverse do I Not 
want to get into a fight to the death with?'  I am the gaze that causes 
nightmares to wet their beds.  The blood I have spilled could fill the 
Great Lakes.  I know every single horrible way to kill or maim a living 
creature.  Or person.  And while you've been blabbering away I invented 
another thousand.  You want to know who I am?  I'm the Goddamn Ultimate 
Ninja.  Unless your 'bad' cop partner is an omnipotent being who can 
level worlds by just glancing at them -- you're wasting your time.  And 
you're wasting my time.  Now.  Do you have anything else to ask me?"

"Umm.  Sure you don't want to confess?  Pretty Please?  With sugar on top?"


"I thank you for providing my bail, Irony Man.  You didn't have to."

"Umm, I kind of did.  We can't afford to have the leader of the LNH in 
jail.  Bad publicity, you know.  Look.  Despite all of our differences, 
I want you to know that I'm behind you.  And I'm prepared to hire you 
the best legal defense team money can buy.  Guys who can get you off no 
matter how guilty you really are.  Not that I'm saying you're guilty -- 
You aren't, are you?  Just wondering?"

"I'm not sure.  The last couple weeks of Infinite April are hazy.  I 
can't remember much of anything.  But no.  I don't believe I did. 
Stabbing someone in the back?  Not my style."

"You probably should go with another story.  People don't tend to buy 
the whole amnesia line.  Maybe you should take Deductive Logic Man off 
the Bart investigation and have him look at this."

"No.  Finding all we can find about Bart is the most important thing 
right now.  I'll get someone else to try and find out who killed 
wReamicus Maximus."

"And what if it's you?"

"Then I'll go to jail."

"That brings up another point.  The LNH can't afford to have a leader 
mired away in legal battles not with so much work to be done to stop the 
Bryttle Brothers from destroying the Looniverse.  We need a leader who 
the innocent bystanders have faith in.  Who can work with the 
government.  You're going to have to resign for the good of the LNH. 
You know that, don't you?  You need to pick a replacement."

"And who should that be?  You, Irony Man?"

"Honestly, the thought never crossed my mind," Irony Man said with a 
tiny smile on his face.  "No.  I want what's good for the LNH.  I think 
it should be Cat.  The public loves and trusts her.  All of the LNH 
likes her."

"Catalyst Lass?  What's your game, Irony Man?"

"Game?  Really, Ultimate Ninja.  I want to do everything I possibly can 
to help stop the Bryttle Brothers.  And right now we need someone like 
Catalyst Lass to lead the LNH.  I'm still planning to run for leader, 
but I'll leave that for my fellow LNH'rs to decide.  But right now it's 
up to you.  You're going to have to make a decision."

"I'll take it into consideration."


Cheesecake Eater Lad glanced at an 'Elect J. Random Kiwi -- In your 
heart, you know he's right!' poster hanging across the side of a hallway 
as he made his way to the Ultimate Ninja's office.  A couple of kiwis 
blocked his path and handed him some campaign pamphlets.  "Kiwi!  Kiwi!" 
they said to him.

"Umm, thanks.  I'll keep that in mind."  Cheesecake mulled over the 
papers for a moment and then shoved them into his back pocket.

As he drew closer towards the Ultimate Ninja's office he noticed that 
the door was slightly opened.  The lights of the office were off. 
Cheesecake Eater Lad pushed the door open.  "Ultimate Ninja?  You 
there?"  Cheesecake Eater Lad nervously switched the lights on.

Cheesecake Eater Lad saw the Ultimate Ninja gazing up at one of his 
shelves.  "You know what used to be up there, Cheesecake Eater Lad?"

Cheesecake Eater Lad gave it some thought.  "Umm.  Some kind of weapon?"

"It was a sword.  An old Civil War relic from the Confederacy."

"Oh, yeah!  Right.  I remember that.  Rebel Yell gave that to you, 
didn't he?"

"Yes.  Before he left.  I think his idea was that the old leaders would 
pass it on to the new leaders.  Maybe a ritual.  A changing of the 
guard.  Something like that.  And now -- it's gone."

"Must have been stolen during that whole Robot Duplicate/Supervillain 
War.  I'm sure it will turn up again.  Maybe on eBay or something.  You 
want me to set up a team or something to track it down?"

The Ultimate Ninja shook his head.  "It doesn't matter.  I didn't call 
you in for that.  I'm resigning.  I thought you should be the first to 

"You're kidding."  Cheesecake Eater Lad waited for a response, but all 
he got was silence.  "You're not.  You never kid, do you?  You're really 
resigning.  Why?"

"I can't focus on a murder trial and lead the LNH effectively.  And on a 
pure public relations type matter, the LNH can't have a leader that's on 
trial for murder.  Not at this time.  The government and public won't 
stand for it.  I'll still be a member of the LNH and I'll still be 
running for election.  So I'll still be around for advice.  I just won't 
be leading this place."

"And who's going to be leading?  Fearless Leader?"

"Irony Man suggested Catalyst Lass.  Thought she'd do a better job than 
Fearless Leader."

Cheesecake Eater Lad rolled his eyes a bit.  "I'm surprised he didn't 
suggest himself."

"He's smarter than that.  No, he's playing some type of mind game.  He 
might want her to be in charge or maybe he doesn't.  Hard to tell how 
he's playing this.  Do you trust Catalyst Lass?"

"I used to.  Then again I used to trust Irony Man.  I don't think either 
one should be leader.  Make Fearless Leader boss if you have to."

"I think I'll make all three leader."

Cheesecake Eater Lad blinked his eyes.  "You're not serious?  All three!"

"The LNH had a triumvirate before.  It worked then.  It can work again."

"I don't seem to remember it working all that well.  And you're giving 
Irony Man what he wants!  This is insane!  Give the leadership position 
to someone else -- anyone besides Irony Man!"

"No.  Irony Man has lots of government connections.  And we'll need 
those in the coming months."

"He's Hexidecimal Luthor's puppet!  My god, Ultimate Ninja!  You're not 
serious about this?!"

"Right now defeating Dekay and Diskolor, and Bart are our highest 
priorities.  Plus there are other threats such as this new villain 
Myanbird who seems to be amassing a large supervillain army.  We can't 
afford to go into some war with Hex Luthor and United States government. 
  For now we'll be allies.  But once all of those threats are taken care 
of -- then we'll deal with him."

"And then we'll deal with him?  It seems like we're always saying that. 
  Every time there's some new threat or crisis we put Hex Luthor aside 
and say that we'll deal with him later.  And every time we put him aside 
he keeps gathering more and more power.  And now?  And now he's going to 
have one of his puppets in charge of the LNH.  What are we waiting for? 
  For him to be ruler of the Looniverse?"

The Ultimate Ninja gave a cold stare.  "We'll deal with him."

"I hope so."  Cheesecake Eater Lad turned his head away and then looked 
back at the Ultimate Ninja.  "Don't do this.  Please.  This is a bad 
idea.  Just think about it for a couple of days."

The Ultimate Ninja shook his head.  "It's my decision.  There's nothing 
more to think.  Tomorrow.  I'll hold a press conference.  And tell the 

"And that's that?"

The Ultimate Ninja nodded.


Jo Nysegi lying on his bed started to feel his eyes welling up.  He 
grabbed a kleenix next to his bed and blew his nose.  He heard a knock 
on his door.

"Sarc?  You in there?"  It was his best friend, Rob Ramirez, better 
known to the world at large as Master Blaster.

"Yeah.  Come in."  Jo quickly wiped his eyes.

"Hey, Sarc.  I'm running for LNH Leader and I was just wondering if..." 
  Master Blaster paused as he looked at his friend.  Something seemed to 
be wrong.  "Umm, is everything all right?  Your eyes are kind of puffy. 
  Damn.  You haven't been crying have you?  Jesus!  What the hell is 
wrong with you?"

"Nothing.  Watching movies.  'Terms of Internet.ment'.  It has this 
scene where the daughter dies of cancer and... Just sad.  Very sad."

"Terms of...?  Jesus.  That's a chick flick!  wReanna forced me to watch 
that one time!  And you're watching it out of your own free will? 
Christ!  You're starting to scare me, Sarc."

"I'm not Sarcastic Lad anymore, Rob.  I'm nothing.  The guy who was your 
friend is gone, Rob.  All I have are his memories now.  God.  I was such 
a horrible dick.  All of the horrible things I said.  My son.  Gary 
Niceguy.  I should have been there for him.  Why did I have to treat him 
that way?  And now he's gone.  Forever.  I'm sorry.  Sorry for 
everything.  I'm sorry, Rob.  All those times I insulted you and you 
didn't get that I was insulting you.  I'm sorry for that."

"Umm, it's okay.  We need to find that demon, Sarc, and stick it back 
inside of you."

"No.  We can't do that, Rob.  It made me a horrible person.  I can't be 
that person again."

"Yeah, but at least you were a cool and interesting person.  Not 
freakin' lame pussy."  Master Blaster put his hand on Jo Nysegi's 
shoulder.  "I can't see you like this, Sarc.  Wasting away in self pity. 
  You're my best buddy.  Damn it.  Something bad is coming next year and 
we're going to need Sarcastic Lad to help us defeat it.  Sarcastic Lad. 
  Jo Nysegi's not going to cut it.  So.  Come on.  Get up.  We're going 
to find that demon."

"But it could be anywhere.  It could take forever!"

"Not forever.  And I got an idea where we can start."


"Hell.  Pack your bags.  Bring some weapons.  We're going to hell."

(To be continued in... PIGS IN HELL!!!!)


Fuzzy swirled the cinnamon flavored toothpick around in her mouth as she 
gazed at the half a mile tall beige monolith sticking out of the 
asphalt.  And then she looked at her team of heroes: Most of them 
clueless newbies.  Why did she pick this morning to quit smoking?

Damn rules about no more smoking on the job.  Considering all of the 
pollution in the air, would some second hand really hurt anyone?  Fuzzy 
took the toothpick out of her mouth looked at it for a second and then 
popped it back into her mouth.  And then she felt something hit her 
head.  It was a can of Mr. Paprika.  She picked it up and turned around.

"Okay.  Who was the (soon to be dead person) who threw this at..."  But 
before she could finish her thought more objects started to fly towards 
the LNH'rs.  An angry mob was starting to form.

"It's all your fault LNH!!  Everything!! This traffic jam!!  The damage 
to the city!!  Get out of our city!!  Get out!!!  We don't want you 
anymore!!" cried the angry mob in an almost uniform voice.  "Death to 
the LNH!!  Death!!!"  The mob was armed with garbage, pitchforks, and 

Fuzzy had to do something quick before the whole scene became ugly. 
Maybe she could use her powers to cloud the mobs mind into being unable 
to distinguish itself from the LNH.  It was worth a shot.  Fuzzy focused 
her mind on the mob.  Strange.  There was some force fighting her own 
mental control.  Some force was controlling this mob.  But what?  Or who?

"Fuzzy!"  It was the voice of 
Boy (or ASPOHOBGHAKiCS Boy short).  "I know who's doing this!  Look up 
there!!  My greatest nemesis!! Kaiser Krowd Zene!!!!"

Fuzzy looked across the street and sure enough standing on top of the 
building was some goofy character wearing a monocle cackling gleefully.

"Vahahahahahh!!!! Ja, ASPOHOBGHAKiCS Boy!!!  It iz yur uld enemy!!  Und 
I shall krush you und yur pitiful Vel und Ache vriends vith vy angry 
mob!!  Und ven??  Und ven I vill Rule ve Vorld!!!!  Ja!!!  RULE VE 
VORLD!!!  Vahhahahah!!!  VAHHAHHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!"

"Right."  Fuzzy spit out the toothpick in her mouth, took out a gun from 
her jacket, aimed it at Kaiser Krowd Zene, and pulled the trigger.

Kaiser Krowd Zene fell to the ground clutching his knee cap.  "Ooh, 
God!!  Vhat huv you Done?!!  Vy vee kap!!!  Vy vee kap!!  You Shot it!!! 
  Ooh God."

"I'm sorry.  Can't quite hear you over this angry mob.  Did you just 
say, 'Please shoot me in the other knee cap?'"  Fuzzy shifted the 
direction of her guns aim.

"No!!!  Stop!!!  You Krazy Fraulein!!!  Please!!!  Oh god ve pain!!! 
Please!!!  I'm stopping ve mind kontrol!!  Stoppin it!!  Ja!!  Everyting 
iz hunky dory again!!!  Veed to go to ve hospital!!  Please!!!  Hospital!!"

Fuzzy flipped on her comm.thingee.  "Multi-Tasking Man?  Send over a 
medical flight.thingee.  Pick up for a dangerous," she snorted to 
herself, "Villain."

"Maybe I should buy myself a gun," ASPOHOBGHAKiCS Boy said staring at 
his whimpering adversary.

"Yeah, maybe."  Fuzzy popped another toothpick into her mouth and walked 
over to Dr. Stomper.  "So.  What do we do about this thing?" she said 
gesturing towards the beige tower.

"It's hard to say.  Maybe we could try teleporting it out of here.  It 
appears to be emitting this strange type of energy," Dr. Stomper said as 
he studied the instrument.thingee in his hand.  "It's causing any 
molecules that happen to touch it to decay.  Clearly, whatever this 
object is it's very dangerous.  We need to keep the public away from it."

"Okay.  So we shouldn't probably touch it or -- Wait!  Cannon Fodder!! 
Don't touch the door!!  It's..."  But before Fuzzy could warn him, 
Cannon Fodder's hand was already grasping the beige doorknob of the 
beige tower.  Cannon Fodder then heard Fuzzy's shouting.  He looked at 
Fuzzy's horrified face.  And then he looked at his hand.  The color was 
fading from it.  His hand was drying up.  Decaying.  And the decay was 
spreading through his whole body.  Cannon Fodder fell to the ground.  He 
body shattered into a pile of dust.

"Interesting," Dr. Stomper mused as he studied the energy waves from the 
pile of dust.

"Okay.  No one and I repeat no one touch the tower!" Fuzzy said with a 
stern expression on her face.

"Okay."  A new LNH'r named Know Wun who had been hanging with the group 
of heroes quickly touched the tower and also became a pile of dust.

"You killed Know Wun!" gasped an LNH'r.

"I didn't -- I mean -- How the hell was I supposed to know one of our 
members was called No One!!!!"  Fuzzy shook her head.  "Just -- just 
don't touch the tower.  Whatever your name is!  Don't do it!"

Out of the shadows another hero emerged.  "Two heroes down.  And the 
tower remains.  But maybe I can touch it.  Maybe.  And maybe if I do 
touch the tower even Saxon Brenton will think I'm cool enough to write a 
story for."  And with that 
So-Lame-Even-Saxon-Brenton-Wouldn't-Use-Him-In-A-Story Lad rushed 
towards the tower and hit it with his fist.  And a few seconds later 
became a pile of dust.

"Stop it!!  Stop it you people!!  Stop touching the tower!!!"  Fuzzy 
pulled out her gun again.  "I will shoot anyone who even thinks about 
touching the building!  I mean it!!"

"And so it begins.  The event that will lead to the greatest event ever. 
  Well, until the greatest event that comes after that.  Three heroes 
are dead.  One of them will probably be back.  But two probably won't 
be.  But who knows.  Maybe they will be back.  But they're dead now. 
How many more will die?  Will those who die be D-list characters also? 
C-list?  Perhaps even CB-list?  And time ticks on."  The voice came from 
some stranger by the name of Arthur Spitzer.

"Okay.  Who is this jerk?  Do you have anything useful to tell us?" 
Fuzzy said pointing her gun at the stranger named Arthur Spitzer.

"I'm simply a traveler in this tale -- in this..."  And then the 
stranger who went by the name Arthur Spitzer looked at his hand, which 
was leaning against the tower.  "Oh @#$%@$.  I shouldn't have done that. 
  I'm so..."  And with that the stranger who went by the name Arthur 
Spitzer also became a pile of dust.

Fuzzy shook her head disgust.  "I give up.  Do whatever you want people."


Catalyst Lass looked at the poster she was making.  And then she looked 
at the cat that was sleeping on her bed.

"I don't know, Mr. Tiddles.  What do you think?  Should the 'O' in Vote 
be a smiley face or a heart shape?  Hmm?  I think I'm leaning towards 
the smiley face myself."  The cat looked up with disinterest and then 
went back to sleep.

"Oooh!  I've got an idea!"  But before she could tell Mr. Tiddles about 
this wonderful new idea that had popped into her head, her comm.thingee 
hanging from her belt started to vibrate.  "Ooh.  *Giggle* I need to fix 
the vibration settings one of these days.  A little too strong. 
*giggle*.  Hiya!  You've reached Catalyst Lass, but everyone calls me 
Cat!  Oh, hi Ultie!  I'm what?  Really!?  Yes.  Of course!  I'll be 
there.  Bye!"  She attached her comm.thingee back to her belt.

"Well, Mr. Tiddles.  Looks like there's a new sheriff in town."  A sly 
smile broke from her lips as she looked at herself in her mirror.


Hex Luthor's left hand squeezed the globe and his fingers slowly crawled 
over every continent feeling every single piece of land and water.  From 
North America to South America.  Then to Africa.  Europe.  The Middle 
East.  Asia.  And Eventually Australia.  What did that leave? 
Antarctica he guessed.

"With the Ultimate Ninja fighting legal battles that leaves Fearless 
Leader, Catalyst Lass, and J. Random Kiwi as my strongest competition 
for leadership, Hex."  The voice came from Toony Stork, aka Irony Man.

Hex Luthor removed his eyes from the globe.  "J. Random Kiwi?  I'll have 
my people look into him.  Or her?  I'm already in talks with people that 
have interesting info on Fearless Leader and Catalyst Lass.  In a few 
weeks they won't be a problem."

"Just don't hurt them.  At least not physically."  Irony Man turned his 
head away.  "God.  What am I saying?  What am I doing?  I can't go 
through with this.  I shouldn't be leader of the LNH.  This is wrong! 
We need to stop this, Hex!"

"Toony.  It's too late to stop.  To try and stop what we're doing now 
would have disastrous consequences for the world and for us.  You want 
to save the world, Toony, don't you?  Sometimes you have to commit 
horrible acts to do that.  Yes, Toony.  And a year from now when all of 
the monsters have been defeated, when we have saved the world from 
itself -- you'll realize that you made the right decision.  Yes, Toony. 
  Do you understand?"

"Yes.  I understand.  I'm sorry.  Sometimes I just remember the way 
things used to be."

Hex Luthor gave an understanding nod.  "I know.  Sometimes I think about 
the past too."  Hex picked up a snow globe that was lying on his desk. 
Inside the globe was some man repairing a bicycle.  Hex turned the globe 
upside down.  And then he placed it back on his desk.  Red snowflakes 
fell on the bicycle repairing man.  Hex Luthor smiled to himself.  "But 
the past is dead.  We need to prepare for the now.  And the tomorrow."

Irony Man's comm.thingee beeped.  "Excuse me, Hex.  Got a call from 
headquarters."  Hex Luthor nodded and started to thumb through some 
folders on his desk.  "Hello?  UN?  I see.  You're serious?  I see.  No, 
I'll be there."  Irony Man clipped his comm.thingee back to his belt. 
"The ninja has resigned.  And I'm going to be the replacement."

"See, Toony.  What did I tell you?  It's all going perfectly to plan. 
You shouldn't worry.  Destiny is guiding us all.  Ah, my 4 o'clock is 
here."  A door opened.  And Irony Man looked in shock at who had opened it.

"You?  But -- you're dead?"

"I was.  But we all know what a revolving door that is.  So.  Are we all 
ready to save the world?"


Rumor Monger glanced at the long haired-bearded stranger sitting 
opposite of him.  The stranger wore a marijuana T-shirt, a Yin-Yang 
headband, beads around his neck, and rose colored glasses.

"Groovy hippy threads, Fearless Leader.  I'm pretty sure I said 
inconspicuous -- not hilarious."

"Ix-Nay on the Ame-Nay!  I'm supposed to be a drug dealer!  Look.  It 
was the best I could come up with on short notice.  I'm not Disguise 

"You don't say."

"Look.  Wait a sec.  Got a call coming.  Hold on."  Fearless Leader took 
out his comm.thingee.  "Yes, it's me.  I'm what?  I see.  Well, yes. 
I'll be there.  Okay.  Later."

Rumor Monger perked his ears up.  "That sounded like an interesting call."

"No.  Just routine business.  Look.  You said you had some info for me. 
  About the Mynabird and the receptionist.  Well?"

"Correct.  Mind you this is a rumor.  You know how in the last month or 
so 13 prisons across the world have been broken into freeing hundreds of 

Fearless Leader nodded.

"Well.  A month from now there's going to be a prison break-out that's 
going to make all of those look like chicken scratch.  Have you ever 
heard of the 'Ultimate Black Hole'?"

"No, can't say I have."

Rumor Monger smiled to himself.  "It's a legend.  A myth.  Supposedly a 
billion light years away there's this prison in space.  The biggest 
prison ever.  They say it's filled with some of most dangerous and 
powerful supervillains ever.  Planet Killers.  Sun Rapists..."

"Sun Rapists?  What are -- no, on second thought -- don't tell me."

"And they're not even the worst.  You've got Galaxy Molesters.  Black 
Hole Torturers.  And beings so power and evil that they make the rest 
look like Santa Claus.  But fortunately for us they're locked away in 
the greatest prison ever built.  A prison no one has ever escaped from. 
  You see the prison itself is a black hole.  And not just any black 
hole, but the Ultimate Black Hole!  The biggest and most powerful black 
hole in the entire Looniverse!  Nothing can escape from it!  Not light! 
  Not time!  Not even things that can go faster than light!  And even if 
you were to do the impossible and escape you would then have to deal 
with the guards outside of the black hole.  The first guards are two 
RACCelestials who are just outside of the event horizon.  And then 
surrounding those guards are Ninja Suns!  300 Ninja Suns!!"

"Ninja Suns?  What the hell are ninja suns?"

"They are suns who have been trained in the fine art of ninjitsu for 
over a billion years.  No one has ever beaten a Ninja Sun in armed combat."

"Oh.  So, if it's so impossible to escape should the LNH even be worried 
about this?  Are Dekay and Diskolor in that prison?"

"Who knows?  Maybe.  As for whether you should be concerned that's up 
for your LNH to decide.  The question you should really be asking though 
is who gave Mynabird this idea in the first place?"

"Okay, I'll bite."

"You know the receptionist you're looking for?  Well, he's the one who 
told Mynabird about this place and even gave them this fool proof way to 
break the prison open and release everyone.  And he's going along with 
them.  Him, Mynabird, and a hundred of other baddies."

"When are they leaving?"

"They've already left.  Based on the speed of their space ship, it will 
probably take them a month to reach the prison.  Of course, keep in mind 
-- this is just a rumor."

"It better be more than that."  Fearless Leader took out an envelope 
from his pocket and handed it to Rumor Monger.

Rumor Monger peaked into the contents and smiled.  "Oh, and before I 
forget.  I've got this other juicy little rumor.  But it will cost you. 
  Ten Grand."

"And why do you thing I'd pay that much?"

"Oh, I don't know.  But you know that girlfriend of yours.  What's her 
name?  Tearing?  No.  Oh, yes.  Ripping.  Ripping Dancer.  Lovely.  Nice 
catch if you don't mind me saying so."

"I mind."

"Well, the rumor I heard about her -- You'll really want to know this 
one.  Oh, yes."

Fearless Leader grabbed Rumor Monger by the tuft of his shirt and yanked 
him up into the air.  "Stay.  Away.  From her.  Whatever lies you're 
peddling I wouldn't take for free.  We're through here."  And then 
Fearless Leader hurled him into another group of villains table.  And 
then he walked out of the bar.  Various supervillains gaped at the 
rather tall and muscle bound hippy who was leaving the bar.

"Make Love not War, Fearless Flower Child."  Rumor Monger laughed, then 
slowly got back up, and brushed himself off.  "Oh, this is the thanks 
you get.  Try to help people.  But he'll be sorry.  A few months from 
now.  Oh, he'll wish he had paid me.  He'll wish all kinds of things. 
But it will be too late.  Just too late.  Ah, the tragedy of it all.  Me 
without ten grand.  And him -- without hope."  Rumor Monger chuckled to 
himself.  "Ah, what's done is done."  Rumor Monger strolled back to his 
table and finished his drink.  And his ears scanned the room more juicy 


"Here to see the new king be crowned, are you?" Irony Man smirked as 
Catalyst Lass and Fearless Leader entered the room.

"I'm pretty sure you mean Queen, Toony," Catalyst said sticking her 
tongue out at him.

"Hmm.  All I know is that the Ultimate Ninja called me here for a 
reason.  And I suspect that he gave you two the same story.  And I take 
it he's doing a press conference in that room right now?"  Fearless 
Leader gestured over towards a door.  All three heroes glanced towards 
the door.

Irony Man hit one of his metal hands on the other one.  "Wait a sec. 
What if it wasn't the Ultimate Ninja who called us?  What if it was some 
shape changing alien pretending to be him and all of those reporters are 
also shape changing aliens?  What if this is all a trap!!?  What if they 
have *weapons of mass destruction*??  The more I think about it, the 
more I think we probably should just start shooting at anything that 
moves in there.  Just to be safe."

"Maybe we should just, you know, listen to the press conference before 
we start attacking people, you know?  Maybe?" Catalyst Lass suggested.

"Oh, right."  Irony Man rolled his eyes.  "That always works."

"Look.  We'll listen.  But we'll remain cautious.  Okay?" Fearless 
Leader said trying to bring a middle of the road viewpoint.

Irony Man shrugged his head.  "Well, I just hope they don't have any 
nuclear weapons.  That's all I'm saying."

Fearless Leader cautiously opened the door to the press conference 
slightly.  And the three heroes listened.


"...And since my legal problems are starting to make things difficult in 
terms of running the LNH, I've decided to resign from my leadership 

Gasps sputtered out of the room.  Some of the reporters, who were 
drinking beverages at the time, even did spit-takes.

"It's not something I want to do, but I feel it's the best course of 
action at the moment for the LNH.  I'll still be running for election 
and if the LNH wants me back as leader I'll do my duty.  It's almost 
been 15 years since I got the job as leader and it's been filled with 
good times and bad times.  Mostly bad.  This is a thankless job.  This 
job eats away at you.  It makes you want to -- Look.  I don't envy the 
people who are going to replace me.  Well.  We might as well get this 
over with.  I'd like to announce the new leadership that is taking over 
the LNH."  The Ultimate Ninja turned his eyes towards the slightly open 
door.  "Fearless Leader, Catalyst Lass, Irony Man?  Please come in. 
These three Legionnaires are -- The New Triumvirate!"

This is insane!  This will never work, Iron Man thought scowling to himself.

I expected something like this would happen, thought Fearless Leader 
sighing to himself.

Ooh!  I forgot to get my hair done, Catalyst Lass thought looking into 
one of her small compact mirrors.

After four months of these bozos in charge, the LNH will beg me on their 
knees to take charge of this nut farm again, thought Ultimate Ninja with 
a slight smile beneath his mask as the three heroes began answering 
questions from the group of reporters.



NEXT WEEK:  Beige Countdown #11: 'Knight to Bishop to King'


Beige Clock idea from Lalo Martins...

Credit format stolen from Rob Rogers LNHCP #501...


     Bad-Timing Boy.... Vernon H. Harmon

     Cannon Fodder and Ultimate Ninja
     .... wReam

     Catalyst Lass.... Elisabeth Reba

     Cheesecake-Eater Lad.... Matthew Jotham Millheiser

     Doctor Stomper... T.M. Neeck

     Fearless Leader.... Dave Van Domelen

     Fuzzy.... Connie Hirsch

     Master Blaster
     ....Martin Phipps and Robert Ramirez

     Irony Man.... Doug Moran

     Jo Nysegi (Sarcastic Lad).... Gary St. Lawrence

     J. Random Kiwi and Mr. Tiddles
     .... Jessica Ihimaera-Smiler

     Kiwis.... Descrii


     Hexidecimal Luthor.... Chris Hare and Saxon Brenton

     Rumor Monger.... wReam

Author's Notes:

I did have something to say about this, but I'm too tired to write it 
so... I'm just going to post this...

Arthur "Tick Tick Tick" Spitzer

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