Edward Protera protera at ohnosecond.com
Thu May 3 09:29:31 PDT 2012

On Wed, 2 May 2012 18:16:53 +0000 (UTC), Adrian J. McClure wrote:

> Writefail
> A Tale of the RACCCCAFE
> by Adrian J. McClure
> ****
> Adrian McClure was sitting alone at the bar, desperately trying to
> finish off his Old English paper. "I just don't know how to finish
> this paper," he said redundantly.
> Tippy O'Tipp, the RACCCCCafe bartender created by Arthur Spitzer who
> offers helpful writing tips, said, "Well, you could always consider
> writing about chainsaws."
> "But... this is a paper about an Old English poem! There aren't any
> chainsaws in Old English."
> "That doesn't mean you can't write about them," said Tippy O'Tipp.
> "That's what postmodernism and intertextuality are all about. Just
> imagine: The Lacanian Psychodynamics of Chainsaws in Old English
> Literature. They'd love it! You'd have groupies throwing their bras at
> you in Kalamazoo!" (Site of the World Medieval Conference.)
> "Hey, that doesn't sound like such a bad idea. But it needs a punchy
> quote in the title. Like 'The Most Unkindest Cut: The Lacanian
> Psychodynamics of Chainsaws in Old English Literature.' Except this
> paper isn't about Shakespeare."
> "Sure and it can be about Shakespeare. Shakespeare and chainsaws. What
> more do you want from life?"
> "Sounds great!" Adrian was just about to start writing when someone
> tapped him on the shoulder. His characters were standing behind them.
> All of them: Ultimate Mercenary, Masterplan Lad, Victoria, Manga Girl
> II, Forgotten Gal, the Random Villains, that assassin with the spork
> from Jesse Willey's Grocery List, all those LNH20 people, and I just
> realized I don't need to pad out the word count for this story, that's
> just for my paper, so I'll stop listing them. "Don't you have
> something else you should be writing?" said Victoria.
> "Look, I know I have a bunch of LNH stories I need to finish, but I
> have to finish this paper first!"
> "You've been sitting on LNH20CP #15 for over a month!" spat Doc
> Nostalgia.
> "Well, yes, but if I don't finish my paper now, my Old English teacher
> will sneak into my room in the middle of the night and cut my head
> off."
> "With a chainsaw?" asked Tippy plaintively.
> "No. He's too traditional for that. He'd use a sword. Though he does
> have some interest in postmodernism so maybe he'd use a chainsword."
> "I don't care about postmodernism!" shouted Ultimate Mercenary. "You
> need to finish your stories!"
> "But when you get right down to it, postmodernism is what the LNH is
> all about!"
> "That doesn't matter," said January Frost. "Since you have failed in
> your basic obligation to finish our stories, we've decided to replace
> you. From now on you are fired from being our writer."
> "But that doesn't even make any sense!" said Adrian. "I'm the writer
> and you're the characters."
> "That goes against the tenets of postmodernism!" said Masterplan Lad.
> "All right, fine, be that way." He walked out of the RACCCCCCafe and
> went off to finish his paper.
> "So who's going to be the new Adrian McClure?" said Manga Girl.
> "Well we want this cascade done as soon as possible," said Fearless
> Leader, "so we need someone who has a lot of time on his hands." They
> all looked over at Example-Character-Lad, who was drinking alone and
> playing solitaire in a nearby table.
> "I hope we're not going to regret this..." said January Frost. "All
> right, Example-Character Lad, you're the new Adrian McClure."
> Example-Character Lad jumped for joy. "Yes! I'm a writer! People will
> finally respect me now and I won't be hit over the head with a rubber
> chicken anymore!" (See the first ever RACCCCCCCafe post.) He grabbed a
> laptop and started furiously writing.
> "Is anyone starting to wonder whether this was such a good idea?" said
> Victoria.
> "Nonsense," said Masterplan Lad. "However bad it is, at least he's
> going to write something."
> For a few hours Adrian McClure (the one who was Example-Character Lad)
> wrote and wrote. He smiled with the maniacal glee of Dr. Frankenstein
> stitching together body parts. Finally he was done. He posted the
> story to RACC and clapped his hands together. A hush fell over the
> room. The issue was finished at last.
> ****
> LNH Comics Presents #15:
> "I Can't Believe This Thing is Finally Over!"
> by Adrian J. McClure
> The Recovery Man was about to kill Googlemesh. Then in burst Not-
> Example-Character-Lad, the greatest hero of them all! He punched the
> Recovery Man and he exploded. "I can't believe how awesome you are ^-
> ^" said Googlemesh.
> "Now I'll deal with the spoons," said Not-Example-Character-Lad. He
> ran around the city in superspeed and vibrated into Ava.LAN and
> gathered all the spoons. The spoons joined together and became a giant
> spoon. "Gah! Spoon smash!" siad the Spoon of Destiny.
> "Oh no you don't!" said Not-Example-Character-Lad. He pulled out his
> giant robot and got into it. The giant robot punched the Spoon of
> Destiny and it exploded.
> "Ahahah!" said Mother Time. "Now we will summon the true power behind
> the Spoon of Density!" She waved her hands and a giant demonic rubber
> chicken appeared. "Oh no!" siad Not-Example-Character-Lad. "A rubber
> chicken! My greatest fear!" Then he overcame his fear (see, character
> development!) and fought the chicken. "I must kill the chickens!" he
> said.
> "No, Not-Example-Character-Lad, you are the chickens!" said Mother
> Time. Then Not Example Character Lad was one with the universe. He
> pulled out his gigantic sword of enlightement and hit the chicken and
> it exploded and rubber chicken blood got over everything. The people
> wanted to thank Not Example Character Lad but he was dead.
> "I can't believe he is dead," said January Frost at the funeral. "Of
> all the heroes I ever knew he was the sexiest."
> "Ha! I'm not dead!" said Not Example Character Lad who was alive and
> had the sword of enlightenment and was even sexier now.
> "Yay!" said Jaunary Frost and she made out with him. The end.
> ****
> All the assembled characters stared in horror.
> "What... what was that thing?" said January Frost.
> "You... you... you didn't like it?" Example-Character Lad was on the
> verge of tears.
> "It's the worst story I've ever read!" said Ultimate Mercenary. "Giant
> robots? That doesn't even make any sense!"
> "Quiet! I'm the author here, and you'll pay!" He pulled out the sword
> of Enlightenment and swiftly decapitated Ultimate Mercenary. "Who
> wants to criticize my writing?" His eyes glinted with an evil gleam.
> "I do!" said a black armored figure with a chainsword who burst into
> the room. "I am the real Adrian and I must kill you so I can finish my
> paper!" They fought an epic duel but Example-Character Lad's Sword of
> Enlightenment was just too powerful. "Wait a minute!" said the real
> Adrian. "There's someone here who can help me. Webs Tor! You can
> become anything that ends with -tor, so you can put a stop to him
> as... the Editor!"
> Webs Tor transformed into the Editor. "This is terrible. Stop doing
> that now." He snapped his fingers and Example-Character Lad's head
> exploded.
> "But the editor holds no power for there is no continuity in
> RACCCCCCCafe!" said Example-Character Lad. His head unexploded.
> "Yes, but RACCCCCCCCCafe has rules, and one of them is no power
> tripping! That goes for you too, Real Adrian!" The Editor then became
> the Decapitator and cut off both their heads with a rubber chicken.
> "I can't believe it!" said Example Character Lad. "Not again!"
> "Wait a minute," said Adrian. "If I'm a severed head, who's writing
> this?"
> Tom Russell was swiftly tapping away on his keyboard. "Heh heh heh.
> Ain't I a stinker." He winked at the reader. "Look, postmodernism!"
> Author's note:
> I'm sorry

...it occurs to me that Not-Example-Character-Lad is basically Kid
Enthusiastic if he were badly written.

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