Adrian J. McClure
mrfantastic7 at gmail.com
Wed May 2 11:16:53 PDT 2012
A Tale of the RACCCCAFE
by Adrian J. McClure
Adrian McClure was sitting alone at the bar, desperately trying to
finish off his Old English paper. "I just don't know how to finish
this paper," he said redundantly.
Tippy O'Tipp, the RACCCCCafe bartender created by Arthur Spitzer who
offers helpful writing tips, said, "Well, you could always consider
writing about chainsaws."
"But... this is a paper about an Old English poem! There aren't any
chainsaws in Old English."
"That doesn't mean you can't write about them," said Tippy O'Tipp.
"That's what postmodernism and intertextuality are all about. Just
imagine: The Lacanian Psychodynamics of Chainsaws in Old English
Literature. They'd love it! You'd have groupies throwing their bras at
you in Kalamazoo!" (Site of the World Medieval Conference.)
"Hey, that doesn't sound like such a bad idea. But it needs a punchy
quote in the title. Like 'The Most Unkindest Cut: The Lacanian
Psychodynamics of Chainsaws in Old English Literature.' Except this
paper isn't about Shakespeare."
"Sure and it can be about Shakespeare. Shakespeare and chainsaws. What
more do you want from life?"
"Sounds great!" Adrian was just about to start writing when someone
tapped him on the shoulder. His characters were standing behind them.
All of them: Ultimate Mercenary, Masterplan Lad, Victoria, Manga Girl
II, Forgotten Gal, the Random Villains, that assassin with the spork
from Jesse Willey's Grocery List, all those LNH20 people, and I just
realized I don't need to pad out the word count for this story, that's
just for my paper, so I'll stop listing them. "Don't you have
something else you should be writing?" said Victoria.
"Look, I know I have a bunch of LNH stories I need to finish, but I
have to finish this paper first!"
"You've been sitting on LNH20CP #15 for over a month!" spat Doc
"Well, yes, but if I don't finish my paper now, my Old English teacher
will sneak into my room in the middle of the night and cut my head
"With a chainsaw?" asked Tippy plaintively.
"No. He's too traditional for that. He'd use a sword. Though he does
have some interest in postmodernism so maybe he'd use a chainsword."
"I don't care about postmodernism!" shouted Ultimate Mercenary. "You
need to finish your stories!"
"But when you get right down to it, postmodernism is what the LNH is
"That doesn't matter," said January Frost. "Since you have failed in
your basic obligation to finish our stories, we've decided to replace
you. From now on you are fired from being our writer."
"But that doesn't even make any sense!" said Adrian. "I'm the writer
and you're the characters."
"That goes against the tenets of postmodernism!" said Masterplan Lad.
"All right, fine, be that way." He walked out of the RACCCCCCafe and
went off to finish his paper.
"So who's going to be the new Adrian McClure?" said Manga Girl.
"Well we want this cascade done as soon as possible," said Fearless
Leader, "so we need someone who has a lot of time on his hands." They
all looked over at Example-Character-Lad, who was drinking alone and
playing solitaire in a nearby table.
"I hope we're not going to regret this..." said January Frost. "All
right, Example-Character Lad, you're the new Adrian McClure."
Example-Character Lad jumped for joy. "Yes! I'm a writer! People will
finally respect me now and I won't be hit over the head with a rubber
chicken anymore!" (See the first ever RACCCCCCCafe post.) He grabbed a
laptop and started furiously writing.
"Is anyone starting to wonder whether this was such a good idea?" said
"Nonsense," said Masterplan Lad. "However bad it is, at least he's
going to write something."
For a few hours Adrian McClure (the one who was Example-Character Lad)
wrote and wrote. He smiled with the maniacal glee of Dr. Frankenstein
stitching together body parts. Finally he was done. He posted the
story to RACC and clapped his hands together. A hush fell over the
room. The issue was finished at last.
LNH Comics Presents #15:
"I Can't Believe This Thing is Finally Over!"
by Adrian J. McClure
The Recovery Man was about to kill Googlemesh. Then in burst Not-
Example-Character-Lad, the greatest hero of them all! He punched the
Recovery Man and he exploded. "I can't believe how awesome you are ^-
^" said Googlemesh.
"Now I'll deal with the spoons," said Not-Example-Character-Lad. He
ran around the city in superspeed and vibrated into Ava.LAN and
gathered all the spoons. The spoons joined together and became a giant
spoon. "Gah! Spoon smash!" siad the Spoon of Destiny.
"Oh no you don't!" said Not-Example-Character-Lad. He pulled out his
giant robot and got into it. The giant robot punched the Spoon of
Destiny and it exploded.
"Ahahah!" said Mother Time. "Now we will summon the true power behind
the Spoon of Density!" She waved her hands and a giant demonic rubber
chicken appeared. "Oh no!" siad Not-Example-Character-Lad. "A rubber
chicken! My greatest fear!" Then he overcame his fear (see, character
development!) and fought the chicken. "I must kill the chickens!" he
"No, Not-Example-Character-Lad, you are the chickens!" said Mother
Time. Then Not Example Character Lad was one with the universe. He
pulled out his gigantic sword of enlightement and hit the chicken and
it exploded and rubber chicken blood got over everything. The people
wanted to thank Not Example Character Lad but he was dead.
"I can't believe he is dead," said January Frost at the funeral. "Of
all the heroes I ever knew he was the sexiest."
"Ha! I'm not dead!" said Not Example Character Lad who was alive and
had the sword of enlightenment and was even sexier now.
"Yay!" said Jaunary Frost and she made out with him. The end.
All the assembled characters stared in horror.
"What... what was that thing?" said January Frost.
"You... you... you didn't like it?" Example-Character Lad was on the
verge of tears.
"It's the worst story I've ever read!" said Ultimate Mercenary. "Giant
robots? That doesn't even make any sense!"
"Quiet! I'm the author here, and you'll pay!" He pulled out the sword
of Enlightenment and swiftly decapitated Ultimate Mercenary. "Who
wants to criticize my writing?" His eyes glinted with an evil gleam.
"I do!" said a black armored figure with a chainsword who burst into
the room. "I am the real Adrian and I must kill you so I can finish my
paper!" They fought an epic duel but Example-Character Lad's Sword of
Enlightenment was just too powerful. "Wait a minute!" said the real
Adrian. "There's someone here who can help me. Webs Tor! You can
become anything that ends with -tor, so you can put a stop to him
as... the Editor!"
Webs Tor transformed into the Editor. "This is terrible. Stop doing
that now." He snapped his fingers and Example-Character Lad's head
"But the editor holds no power for there is no continuity in
RACCCCCCCafe!" said Example-Character Lad. His head unexploded.
"Yes, but RACCCCCCCCCafe has rules, and one of them is no power
tripping! That goes for you too, Real Adrian!" The Editor then became
the Decapitator and cut off both their heads with a rubber chicken.
"I can't believe it!" said Example Character Lad. "Not again!"
"Wait a minute," said Adrian. "If I'm a severed head, who's writing
Tom Russell was swiftly tapping away on his keyboard. "Heh heh heh.
Ain't I a stinker." He winked at the reader. "Look, postmodernism!"
TH-TH-TH-THAT'S ALL FOLKS
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