LNH/NTB: Beige Midnight #10: PLANET MUHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHH!!!!!!!!!! III: "Absolute Mite" (4/4)

[Arthur Spitzer]

Part IV



As Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man thrashed the Injoker with a 
six-pack of Mr. Paprika ('Now that's a Man's Tool for Senseless 
Brutality!'), he saw a familiar face coming towards him.  It couldn't 
be, could it?  He stopped beating the totally unconscious Injoker and 
prepared himself for anything.

"Is that you?" said Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man slightly in shock 
as the gorilla in the black trenchcoat came close.

"Yes," said the trenchcoated gorilla, "Yes, old friend.  It is me -- 
The..."  And then suddenly from out of nowhere one of those cartoony 
mechanical boxing gloves came flying out of the gorilla's trenchcoat and 
smacked the Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man right in the face.  "The 
Gotcha Gorilla!  You've been -- Gotcha'd!!!  Hah, you should have seen 
your face.  Thought I was the Gothic Gorilla, didn't you?  And that 
expression on your face after the boxing glove hit you  -- Priceless! 
You were totally -- Gotcha'd!!"

"I see," said the Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man dusting himself off. 
  And then the Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man proceeded to break 
every single bone in the Gotcha Gorilla's body.

Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man didn't have the greatest sense of humor.


                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

Dr. Bad-Bedside-Manner saw something weird as he looked at Ripping 
Dancer's vitals.  "That's odd.  What the -- what the hell is going on here?"

"Is there a problem?" said Fearless lifting his eyes from Ripping Dancer 
towards Dr. Bad-Bedside-Manner.

"I'm not sure.  I'd hate to get your hopes up -- but according to the 
readings -- No, that can't be right.  Well, according to this there 
doesn't seem to be any problems.  Any problems at all.  Maybe -- maybe 
it's a technical glitch or a..."

"What are you...?"  And then Fearless Leader felt Ripping Dancer's hand 
start to grip his tightly.  He looked back and saw her eyes open up. 
"Tara?"

"You need to go," Tara Shreds started to say.  "The LNH needs you.  You 
need to help them."

"Tara!  I uh... What's happening here, Doc?  Is she -- is she...?"

"I don't know.  According to the readings, she doesn't have cancer 
anymore.  If that can be believed.  According to them, she's completely 
healthy.  She's cured."

"She's...?"

"I feel fine, Felix.  I don't -- don't know what happened, but -- I feel 
great.  I feel..."

"My God.  This is..."  Felix didn't finish that thought.  Instead he 
gave her a big hug.  "I thought -- I thought I'd lost..."

"It's okay, Felix.  It's okay," said Tara as she comforted Fearless 
Leader.  "I'm fine.  This can wait.  But the LNH -- the LNH needs you. 
You need to go to them.  You need to help them."

"You're right.  I need to..."  And then he gave Tara a huge kiss.  "I'll 
be back.  Don't go anywhere."

"Okay," smiled Tara Shreds formally known as the superhero called the 
Ripping Dancer.  "I'll be here.  Good luck!"

Fearless Leader gave a nod as he rushed out to battle the hordes of 
villains out there.

She's cured.

She's alive!


                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

"Interesting choice," said Bart watching the scene.  "Mind me asking why 
you made that particular choice?"

"I've read 'The Monkey's Paw'.  Well, what's next?"

"What's next?  Why the good part.  This is where you save the 
Looniverse.  Or -- you let everyone die."  Bart smiled.

"Your choice."



                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

"Haven't you always wanted to play God?" said Bart as he created a 
Universe with one hand and crushed it with the other.  "Isn't that what 
all of you magicians secretly desire?  Power over everything?"

"No.  I'm interested in knowledge."

"Ah, but who knows more than God?"

"Is there a point to all this?"

"No.  Not really.  Well, I guess it's save the Looniverse time."  Bart 
snapped his fingers.  Both he and Occultism Kid were transported to 
Net.ropolis near the spot where Dekay and Diskolor were sleeping on 
their thrones.  "There they are.  You've got the power of the Cosmic 
Plot Device, Ring of Retconn, Insanity Gauntlet, and Book of Deus ex 
Machinas at your disposal.  It shouldn't take much more than a snap of 
the fingers to destroy both of them.  And afterwards you'll probably get 
some kind of a victory parade for saving the Looniverse.  One snap. 
That simple."

"Just that simple?  Right.  So -- what's the catch?"

"The catch?" laughed Bart.  "Oh, right.  I guess there is a catch. 
Well, you'll of course use a lot of power killing Dekay and Diskolor. 
Quite a lot.  You'll almost be completely drained and not be in much 
shape to do much of anything afterwards.  Certainly not be able to save 
Net.ropolis or -- the LNH."

"What happens to Net.ropolis and the LNH?"

"Well, the LNH actually survives -- kind of."  Bart shifted the two of 
them closer to the battle so Occultism Kid could see his fellow LNH'rs 
as they fought against millions of villains.  "I mean considering the 
odds -- 500 or so heroes against 3 million villains?  I mean it's kind 
of amazing that any LNH'rs could survive that -- but a few will -- ten 
to be exact.  And with you and Kid Anarky also surviving that makes it a 
cool dozen."

"And Net.ropolis?"

"Ah, here."  The scene shifted to an underground bunker in 
Web.Surf.City.  Occultism Kid could see the President and his various 
advisors frozen in time.  And he could see that the President was about 
to push some big beige button.  It suddenly dawned on Occultism Kid what 
that button was for.  "No, he couldn't.  Why?  Why would he ever...?"

"They're afraid, Occultism Kid.  They're afraid of what's happening in 
Net.ropolis -- that it will spread across the world.  And they're afraid 
that the LNH won't win."

"It's senseless.  Insane.  What happens if I save the LNH and Net.ropolis?"

"Then you won't have the power to stop the Bryttles.  And all this was 
for naught.  Oh -- and some trenchcoaters will probably die.  But that 
usually happens."

They shifted towards a scene of a frozen Occultism Kid surround by 57.5 
trenchcoaters as the Insanity Gauntlet crackled on his hand oblivious to 
frozen time.


                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

"Wait!  What about the trenchcoaters?  Why are they going to die?"

Bart looked at him like it was stupid question.  "Blood lust -- the Book 
of Deus ex Machinas has a thirst for blood.  Surely you knew that?"

"But the trenchcoaters can't die as long as..."

"As long as the Peril Room safeties are still operational?" smiled Bart.

"The invisible force!  I forgot about it.  Well, I'll just have to use 
the..."

"Insanity Gauntlet to bring back the safeties?  That's an idea -- except 
of course you'll probably have to use a lot of power to stop the force."

"What is the invisible force, Bart?"

"Oh, come on -- you know what it is.  Isn't it completely obvious?"

Occultism Kid thought about it for a few seconds.  And then he realized 
what he was battling with.  "It's the Book of Deus ex Machina, isn't it? 
  And now that I think about it -- it's you isn't it?  You're not a 
Writer -- or RACCelestial.  You're the Book of Deux ex Machinas."

"You're beginning to catch on."

"Why Bart?"

"Because it amuses me -- what other reason do I need?  Oh, and hopefully 
it brings memories of how Bart tricked you into freeing the Bryttles."

"How many trenchcoaters will die?"

Bart laughed.  "Does it really matter?  But let's say 12 -- 12 is a nice 
number.  The spell will go on if that's what you're wondering -- I won't 
destroy Lady 58.5 -- not yet anyways.  But all the other trenchcoaters 
are fair game -- even Kid Anarky.  So, that's your choice.  You save the 
Looniverse from the Bryttles and Net.ropolis and most of the LNH die -- 
or you save the LNH and Net.ropolis and 12 measily trenchcoaters die -- 
and of course the Bryttles get to live so they can destroy everything."

"So, what do you choose?"

Occultism Kid looked at the trenchcoaters -- and then at the LNH 
battling the Mynabird and his supervillain army.  And he looked at the 
President's frozen hand -- so close to the button.

"I don't know."


                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

Irony Man looked at the struggling forms of Rumor Monger and Romantic 
Innuendo -- both of whom were wrapped in cocoons of tabloid papers.  It 
seemed strange how well he was doing out here.  He had already defeated 
about 40 or so villains.  Usually in these big battles, he'd be knocked 
out by some stupid ironic circumstance, but he hadn't so far.  Irony Man 
didn't like it.  Things were going smoothly.  Too smoothly.

He could feel a death coming.  His death.  That's where his road to 
redemption led.  Donating all of his money to charity and becoming a 
monk -- that wasn't for him.  No, the Writers were a bloodthirsty lot. 
Nothing less than some heroic death would be acceptable for them.  Well, 
if that's the way it was going to be -- that was the way it was going to 
be.  Anyway, being a monk he'd probably have to take some vow of 
chastity or quit boozing or something stupid like that.  Death -- death 
would probably be more fun.

Still, he wondered when it would happen and who would do it.  Hopefully, 
it wouldn't be some lame villain.  That would suck.  Well, better take 
fate into his own hands.  Irony Man scanned the battle.  Who was worthy 
to end his life?  And then he spotted Mynabird who was mowing down tons 
of heroes as he got closer and closer to Easily-Discovered Man Lite.

Yeah, smiled Toony Stork in his Irony Man suit -- he'll do.

Irony Man increased his power to Max levels and focused his Irony 
blasters on Mynabird.  And then he let loose everything he had.


                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

After Mynabird had wiped another number of heroes that we won't bother 
to give names for, he looked in front of him.  There he was!  Lite!  Or 
was it Lite?  He had already defeated countless robot duplicate Lite 
look-a-likes, evil alternate Lites, and various alien shapeshifters that 
were pretending to be Easily-Discovered Man Lite for some bizarre 
reason.  Could this finally be the real deal?  He did a scan. 
Everything matches!  He's the real deal!

This is it.  This is where it all ends.  Easily-Discovered Man Lite was 
oblivious to him.  He was focused on something else.  What was he doing? 
  It looked like he was trying to scrape some gum off of his shoe with 
that stupid plastic spatula of his.  It didn't really matter.

He could just blast Lite away right now.  No.  Too easy.  He had to do 
this with his hands.  Maybe he didn't need the Mynabird suit.  Lite 
didn't look like much.  No, don't underestimate him.  He destroyed your 
entire civilization.  Your loved ones.  And now you need to destroy him.

As Mynabird reached for Lite, he felt a huge burst of supercharged Irony 
rock his body.  Easily-Discovered Bran Mite laughed in his command 
center in Mynabird's metal head, "No, Irony Man!  Not even your Irony 
can stop my revenge!!  Nothing can stop my revenge!!  Nothing!!!!!"

And Mynabird's hands reached for Lite's throat.  And then...


                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

Bart looked at Occultism Kid.

"Well, made up your mind?"

Occultism Kid nodded.  And an energy glow bathed over him.  And his eyes 
crackled with power.


                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

Kid Anarky watched with concern as Occultism Kid's body began to glow 
with a blinding light.  And then he became very concerned by the burst 
of light that hit his chest and every other one of the 57.5 
trenchcoaters chests.

Some of the trenchcoaters couldn't handle the new energy with in them. 
Some guy with a trenchcoat (who fought ninjas) started to burn up as the 
extra energy flowed through him.  "Fuh-funny.  Thought it would be -- 
Ninjas!" were his last words.

Simon Velcro looked with horror as one of the trenchcoaters he was 
holding was starting to burn up.  The trenchcoater called himself the 
Bible Thumper.  And as he burned he began screaming, "Ah cahn see Gawd!! 
  And he's making out with muh wife/sister!!"

"Ouchee!  Ouchee!!" said Simon Velcro becoming concerned with the Bible 
Thumper's burning hand.  "No one said anything about burning 
trenchcoaters!  I cry -- Foul!"

"Oh, quit your whimpering and screaming!" shouted Lady 58.5.  "And don't 
let go of those hands!!  Christ!!  You'd think that some of you hadn't 
been involved with s`eances and exorcisms that had gone horribly wrong!! 
  Bloody amateurs."

And Occultism Kid said nothing.  He just kept glowing whiter and whiter 
till the whole sub-sub basement was flooded with pure white energy.


                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

Web.Surf.City --
In an underground bunker --

The President slammed his hand down, but instead of feeling a beige 
button -- he felt a salad.


                      **** <<--BM-->> ****



 >From: Occultism Kid <occultkii at lnh.org>
 >Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative,alt.comics.lnh
 >Subject: LNH/ELSEWHIRL:  What if Myabird and the LNFL had actually 
defeated the LNH during Beige Midnight?

Mynabird felt his metal hands around Easily-Discovered Man Lite's throat 
(actually Easily-Discovered Bran Mite had electrodes hooked to his head 
so that he could feel the complete full joy of snuffing Lite out).  He 
watched Lite's eyes began to bug out as he struggled and squirmed.  And 
then with one violent squeeze he completely ripped Lite's head off of 
his body.  And he looked at Easily-Discovered Man Lite's severed head 
dripping blood.  And it was good.

"I did it!!  I finally did it!!!!!  Look!!  Everyone!!" he said holding 
up the head proudly.  "It's high five time!!!"

And then something amazing happened.  The sky turned blue again.  In 
fact all of the colors of the world returned.

"I knew it!  I knew it!!  Easily-Discovered Man Lite was responsible for 
Beige Midnight!!!  I knew it was him!!"

And then a blue bird landed on Mynabird's shoulder.  And started to 
chirp the Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah song.  And more cute critters like deer, 
bunny rabbits, and others came out from the woods no longer having to 
fear the wrath of the monster known as Easily-Discovered Man Lite.

And then Mynabird saw hundreds of cheering children coming from the 
Easily-Discovered Bran Flakes slave mines.  The chains that they had 
been forced to wear had been broken and now they were free.  Free!  No 
more would they have to work for the cruel tyrant Easily-Discovered Man 
Lite.  No more!  A group of them gave Mynabird a big hug.  The rest of 
the children shouted and cheered at the top of their lungs for their Savior.

"Umm," said Continuity Porn Star interrupting the jubilation.  "There's 
something wrong here.  Very wrong."

"What?  What do you mean?" said Mynabird.  "I killed the real Lite.  I 
even did a scan of him before I did it.  I won!  We all won!!!"  More 
cheers!

Continuity Porn Star shook his head.  "Umm, it's not that.  There's just 
something about this story that feels wrong.  Like it's pointless.  Not 
tattoo worthy.  It just doesn't matter."

"It's an Elsewhirl," said Arthur E. L. Presence gazing through the 
Fourth Wall at the story.  "Apparently Occultism Kid used an 
Elsewhirlyen Tornado Plant on us.  What an interesting feeling," he said 
examining the sentences and the words within the Elsewhirl.

"Fourth Wallower even more powerful!!!" bellowed the Fourth Wallower.

"No!!" said Mynabird shoving the various children and woodland animals 
away from him.  "No!!  Not again!!  Not when I was so close!!  No!!!!! 
Wait.  It's just a half hour.  Just one half hour.  I can wait that 
long.  A half hour is nothing!  I've been plotting the Evil One's death 
for 14 years -- so what's another half hour. It's nothing!!  Nothing!!!"

"That's all you have, Lite.  This is the tiny thread that exists between 
Life and Death for you.  A half an hour!  Can you hear the ticking, 
Lite?  Can you hear every clock in the Looniverse ticking away this half 
of an hour?!!!  The Bell tolls, Lite!  The Bell tolls!!!  And in a half 
of an hour you will hear that Bell Toll!!  You will hear it!!  In a half 
of an hour I shall turn your body into a river of blood!!  I shall 
punish you for all your evil crimes!!! In a half of an hour, Lite!!  A 
half hour!!!!!"

"I'm coming, Lite!  I AM COMING!!!"  Mynabird raised his fists toward 
the heavens.  "In one half of an hour, I shall come!!  I will come and 
destroy you once and for all!!  ONCE AND FOR ALL!!!!!!!!"

Mynabird looked at his watch.

"In one half hour."


                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

A week later...

"Okay," said Mynabird still looking at his watch.  "Apparently this 
Elsewhirlyen Tornado Plant lasts a bit longer than a half an hour."

"Say," said Mr. Homage.  "Anyone else think this would be a good time 
for a new leadership election?  I mean -- come on, people!"

**************

Occultism "Hope this damn thing works!" Kid


                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

Classy Coolidge, ace photojournalist for the Mid.Net Star, scanned the 
battlefield.  Where did those gigantic bikini clad babes that were 
playing volleyball with Fin Fanfic Foom! go off too?  Damn!  He was 
never going to win a Pulitzer Prize at this rate.  He looked at the 
destruction.  The corpses of various super people.  Maybe he could take 
some pictures of that.  Nah, too depressing.

He looked a bit and saw the Whip and Warbabe fighting that Vector 
Sublime* chick [* -- actually Vector Crime -- Footnote Girl].  And 
apparently Footnote Girl was joining the action!  That had 
possibilities.  He started adjusting settings on his camera.  And then 
he positioned his camera for the best possible cleavage shots.  Yeah, 
baby!  Bend a little lower.  Yeah that's the... What!?  What the hell? 
Who was in his shot?  He looked up.  Damn, it was that Mynabird dude. 
And then he saw some stupid kid trying to scrape gum off of his shoe 
with a spatula.  These two were totally ruining his shot.  Goddamn 
them!!  Hopefully, Mynabird would squash that stupid kid quickly so the 
two of them would be out of the shot.

And then he heard something that sounded like a jet.  Ah, hell -- Irony 
Man?  He was never going to get this shot!  Well, he might as well just 
take some shots of this stupid battle.  Classy Coolidge began grudgingly 
taking photos.  And then something happened.  Irony Man blasted Mynabird 
with something -- and he disappeared.  What the hell?

And then Classy heard some innocent bystander shouting.  "...Villains 
are gone!!  They're all gone!!  Irony Man did something with his hands!! 
  He saved Net.ropolis!!"  Classy looked around.  What do you know, the 
innocent bystander was right!  The villains had all disappeared!  Damn! 
  Something big had happened here!  And Classy's hard nose for news 
began to twitch.  This was big!  He could see the headline -- 'Irony Man 
Does Hand Stuff!!  Net.ropolis Saved!!'  Yeah!  That was pure gold!

Pulitzer Prize City, here we come, Baby!



                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

After Occultism Kid sent the LNFL to the Elsewhirl, he then shifted all 
of the various alternate Looniverse beings back to their respective 
Looniverses.  He then put what remaining escapees there were from the 
Ultimate Black Hole back inside it.  Wait, was there still an Ultimate 
Black Hole?  He couldn't quite remember what had happened in Beige 
Countdown #9-8.  Well, it didn't really matter.  There was an Ultimate 
Black Hole now.  Then he took care of what other dangerous beings 
remained and sent them back to wherever they had come from.  And the 
battlefield was clear except for the LNH and whatever innocent 
bystanders were still there.

And then he took a deep breath.

Bart was still there and giving him a golf clap.  "Well, done," said 
Bart.  "Now everyone will have a week to have fun before they the 
Bryttles brutally murder them."

"I had no choice," said Occultism Kid.  "I couldn't let all those people 
die!"

"If you say so."

"I still have tons of power," said Occultism Kid looking at the 
crackling gems on the Gauntlet.  "There's got to be something I can do 
with it."

Bart shrugged his hands.  "Even if you were to kill all of the remaining 
trenchcoaters to give yourself full access to the power within the 
Device, Ring, and Gauntlet -- it wouldn't be enough to stop the 
Bryttles.  Of course there might be another way..."  The Book of Deus ex 
Machinas then shifted from looking like Bart into the image of Hex 
Luthor.  A Hex Luthor dressed like Uncle Sam.  "Like -- the Freedom Chip 
Way!  Of course that way would kill billions instead of millions."  A 
scene behind Hex showed thousands of Freedom Chippers being slaughtered 
by Dekay and Diskolor.

"Freedom Chips."  Occultism Kid thought about that.  What had Hex told 
him about them?  About the plan?  "One of the Freedom Chippers would 
have the power to destroy the Bryttles -- that's what he told me.  Only 
one person needs to die.  I need to find that person."  He looked at 
Hex.  "Send me to him."  Or her, said some voice from beyond that 
sounded like Politically Correct Person.

"Ask and you shall receive," said Hex bowing in reverence like some 
djinn.  The scene shifted.  There were now in a classroom.

Why were they in a classroom?  Occultism Kid looked at the kids who were 
horsing around as the teacher wrote some stuff on the chalkboard. 
"Which one is it?" he asked hoping it was the teacher.  At least if it 
was the teacher, he could perhaps talk to her.  Make a case to her about 
sacrificing her life for the Looniverse.  He could do that if it was the 
adult.

Hex pointed to a boy who was busy shooting spitballs at some girl. 
"There.  There's your Savior of the Looniverse.  There's your 
Sacrificial Lamb Boy."

Occultism Kid looked at the kid.  "He can't be any older than ten."

"Close," said Hex.  "In a couple of weeks little Frank C Kerry (that's 
his name) will turn ten.  Assuming he has a couple of weeks -- of 
course," smiled Hex.  "But assuming you magic a chip in his brain (a 
special Freedom Chip with no weaknesses would be the best idea).  Then 
you turn on the chip, he gets his special power to destroy the Bryttles 
(costing him his life as his power kills him, alas).  And then all you 
have to do is control him with the chip and turn him into your own 
special suicide bomb.  Well, I guess suicide wouldn't be an accurate 
term -- more like unwilling victim bomb.  And afterwards, the Looniverse 
is saved -- and we can all live happily ever after."  Hex wiped a tear 
from his eye.  "Isn't that just beautiful?"

"I can't kill him.  I can't kill a kid!"

Hex shrugged his shoulders.  "Sometimes you have to burn the baby to 
save the village.  Such is life."

"No!  Enough of this utilitarianism nonsense!  This can't be the only 
way to save the Looniverse!  Killing some innocent child can't be the 
only way!  There's got to be -- some better way!  There's got to be!"

"Innocent?" laughed Hex.  "Throwing spitballs -- I believe that's how 
Hitler got his start."

"No.  I'm not going to do this."

"Then I guess the Looniverse dies.  Oh well."

"No.  I'm going to think of another way.  There's another way.  There's 
always got to be a better way.  The Looniverse is more complex than 
simple binary choices!  It has to be!!"

"Well, I'd think of it pretty soon.  There are three bombs in the 
sub-sub basement about to go off.  Actually, they'll go off in a second. 
  Fortunately time does run slow where we are.  So that second will last 
as long as I think it should."

"I need to get rid of those bombs then."  And Occultism Kid tried to use 
his power to get rid of them, but something was fighting him.  It was 
the Book of Deus Machinas that was stopping him.

"No.  The Bombs stay," said the Book of Deus ex Machinas shifting back 
into looking like Bart again.

"What are you doing?  I control you!  Stop this!"

Bart shook his head.  "No one controls me.  And I wouldn't bother 
fighting me -- at the moment I'm way more powerful than you.  No.  Now 
if you were to use the kid to kill the Bryttles, I'd happily let you get 
rid of the bombs.  But I'm afraid you're starting to make very bad 
choices.  Choices that will destroy the Looniverse.  And since I'm in 
the Looniverse at the moment -- I don't really want that to happen."

"If you're so powerful, why don't you have the kid destroy the Bryttles?"

"Alas, there are limits to my power.  I can make some choices.  Just not 
the big ones.  Only you have that power."

"If you let those bombs go off -- you'll be dooming the Looniverse anyways!"

"Maybe -- or maybe it will be easier to reason with an insane Occultism 
Kid.  Who knows -- regardless I haven't let the bombs go off.  There's 
still time to make some smart decisions."

Occultism Kid shook his head.  "I can't kill the kid.  I know there has 
to be a better way!  There has to be!  You just need to give me some time."

"Very well," said Bart looking at his watch.  "But that second won't 
last forever.  Tick tock.  Tick tock, Occultism Kid."

Occultism Kid looked at the kid and then closed his eyes.  Need to 
think.  Alternatives.  What is there?  What could he do with his power? 
  And then he thought back to the ants.  The ants in the glass city. 
With their splitting and splitting and splitting.  Wait.  Of course!  He 
could do that!  Split.  Split.  Split.  "I've got it!  I've got an idea!"

"Hmm," said Bart not bothering to ask Occultism Kid what it was. 
Instead just reading Occultism Kid's mind.  "That's an interesting idea. 
  Of course we know where that got the ants.  Still, it is an 
alternative -- a completely insane one."

"It will work though -- won't it?"

"It might work -- 'might' being the key word.  Whereas the sacrificing 
the kid plan?  That will definitely work.  Of course for this alternate 
plan to work -- you'll have to access the full power of the Cosmic 
devices.  And so you'll have to sacrifice all of the trenchcoaters if 
you want to do this plan."

"No.  If you let me use my power to safely teleport all of the remaining 
trenchcoaters from the circle -- they won't have to die.  You just need 
to stop fighting me."

"That's not going to happen.  This plan of yours is too risky.  The kid 
killing plan is a much better one.  I won't stop you from doing your 
plan, but you'll have to sacrifice the trenchcoaters."

"There's another way."

"And that is?" said Bart scanning Occultism Kid's brain again.  "Oh! 
You're planning on destroying me, is that it?"

"If I have to."

"You'll destroy me -- but not the kid?"

"You're just a book."

"Just a book?  Just a book!?  No, I'm the Book of Deus ex Machinas!  Do 
realize what is in my pages?!  What knowledge would be lost if I were 
gone?!  I thought you said knowledge was what you were after?  Within me 
are all the answers you could ever need!"

"There are other places to find answers."

"Don't bet on that.  Regardless, you'd need full access to all of your 
little objects to take me down.  Which takes us back to killing all of 
the trenchcoaters.  So any fantasies about destroying me are all 
academic anyways.  Which takes us back to killing the kid."

"It's not going to happen.  The kid is not going to die."

"So you say.  However, I really think you should give this a little more 
thought.  Because your alternate plan involves the Bryttles still 
existing and means the death of all of the remaining trenchcoaters.  It 
also means using up every last bit of power in those three devices of 
yours.  You'll have nothing left afterwards and you'll still have the 
psyche damage from the Insanity worms.  This is not a good plan."

"Killing the kid on the other hand, this plan you'd still have plenty of 
power afterwards to do things.  Do some more spells from the Book of 
Deus ex Machinas.  You could heal the damage to your brain.  There are 
even spells that could fix the Insanity Gauntlet, the Ring of Retconn, 
and even the Cosmic Plot Device -- making them safe for anyone to use. 
You would no longer have to fear going insane or being corrupted by the 
devices.  And if you had that power -- then you could do any spell 
contained in the Book of Deus ex Machinas.  Any spell!  And there are so 
many spells!  Spells that could create Utopias!  Utopias so perfect that 
not even the Writers could break them!  Yes!  That is the power of the 
Book of Deus ex Machinas!!  These perfect Utopias where everyone lives 
forever, where everyone is happy and that happiness keeps growing every 
second till infinity!!  And you could make that happen, Occultism Kid! 
You could make this great paradise!  And all you have to do -- is kill a 
kid.  Just one little kid -- and then you'd have Paradise for all at the 
tips of your fingers.  Just one measily little kid.  That's all."

And Occultism Kid thought about it.  It was a tempting idea.  To have 
all that power.  To make all of those changes.  To end cancer.  To end 
death.  To end pain.  To bring joy and happiness to everything.  Forever 
and ever.  And the knowledge contained in the Book of Deus ex Machinas. 
  He thirsted for that knowledge.  And all he had to do was put a 
freedom chip in a kid's brain, control that kid, and kill that kid. 
That's all he had to do.  And that was too much.  "The price is too 
high.  I can't do it.  I just can't."

"Very well.  I guess the trenchcoaters will die then."

"Nope.  They get to live too."

Bart laughed.  "It doesn't work that way.  Either the kid dies or they 
die.  That's your choice.  You can't destroy me, Occultism Kid.  So stop 
thinking about it."

Occultism Kid nodded his head.  "You're right I can't.  I can't destroy 
you.  But..." And Occultism Kid pointed to someone behind Bart.  "He can."

Bart turned his head slightly around and felt great pain.  The pain 
caused Bart to shift back into the Book of Deus ex Machinas.  The book 
began to crackle and burn.  And it screamed.  The book screamed a 
horrible scream.  Occultism Kid wanted to turn around, but he couldn't. 
  He just watched as the Occultism Kid from the future (with full access 
to all of the devices power) destroyed the Book of Deus ex Machinas. 
"I'm sorry."

The Occultism Kid from the future looked at Occultism Kid as he 
destroyed the Book.  "Need -- hurry.  Less than -- second!  Worms! 
Worms!!  WORMS!!!!!"

Occultism Kid nodded.  He understood.  And he could feel the worms 
returning back.  Eating away again.  He didn't have much time.  Less 
than a second actually.

He quickly retconned the bombs before they could explode.  And then he 
made it so that Lady 58.5 could exist without being in sub-sub basement 
58.5.  And then he teleported all of the trenchcoaters away.


                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

The trenchcoaters found themselves on the LNHHQ front lawn.  Various 
four lettered words and other vulgarities were exclaimed.

Lady 58.5 looked around herself.  "How can this be -- why is Occultism 
Kid doing this?" she said looking at the Dvandom Stranger.

But the Stranger didn't answer.  Instead, he just looked with horror on 
his face at what he knew was about to happen.  And he couldn't stop it. 
  He held onto his Editorial Staff and just watched.

All of the trenchcoaters and LNH'rs -- and anyone else still on the lawn 
looked up.  And saw a crackling Occultism Kid hovering above the LNHHQ. 
  The colors of the Insanity Gauntlet tore reality around it.  And then 
there was an explosion of whiteness that flooded everything.  And 
everywhere.  It flooded the entire Looniverse.


                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

Worms, worms, worms, thought Occultism Kid.

Split, split, split, thought Occultism Kid.

Drain, drain, drain, thought Occultism Kid.

And Occultism Kid laughed, laughed, and laughed.



                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

And the Looniverse came back.  But it was different.  Kid Kirby caught 
Occultism Kid as he fell from the sky.  The Ultimate Ninja looked around 
him.  Something was wrong.  The sky was still Beige.

"Hey, UN?" said the voice of Easily-Discovered Man Lite.  The ninja 
turned his head slightly.  "Got any ancient ninja secrets about getting 
gum off of shoes.  Because I've got a bad case here of gum -- shoe.  Get 
it?  Gumshoe?"  Lite showed the Ultimate Ninja the sole of his shoe. 
And the gum on his spatula.

"Not now -- Lite," said the ninja resisted the urge to do what Mynabird 
seemed incapable of.

He scanned the lawn and saw a very black book, which was smoking.  He 
made his way over to it.

"Hey!  It's the Book of Deus ex Machinas!  Totally toasted!" said Bad 
Judgment Boy getting to it before the ninja.  And then for some reason 
Bad Judgment Boy gave the book a very strong kick that caused it to 
burst into a cloud of ash.  The ash hit the Ultimate Ninja in the face. 
  "Hah!  Thought that would happen!"

The Ultimate Ninja grabbed Bad Judgment Boy by the neck and gazed at 
him.  "Do you want me to break every single bone in your body, Bad 
Judgment Boy?  Because I will have no problem doing that!"

"Hmm," thought Bad Judgment Boy as he weighed the pros and cons of 
having every single bone in his body broken.  In the end the Ultimate 
Ninja just hurled him away.  Captain Continuity caught Bad Judgment Boy 
and gently put him down.

The Ultimate Ninja looked at Captain Continuity.  "What's wrong here, 
Captain?  What's wrong with the Looniverse?"

Captain Continuity used his continuity senses and extended them across 
the city.  "The people are gone."

"What do you mean by that?"

"I can only sense LNH'rs and the Bryttles.  Everyone else is gone."

"So, the Bryttles are still alive?"

Captain Continuity nodded.  And then he extended his senses across the 
world.  "I can't feel anyone.  Anyone in the world!"  And then he 
extended his senses to the nearest Alien civilization.  And he still 
couldn't feel anyone.  At least any sentient beings.  "The Aliens are 
gone too!"

The Ultimate Ninja walked over to where Occultism Kid was.  Kid Kirby 
was examining the Insanity Gauntlet.  "Are you sure you should be doing 
that?"

"Its power is completely drained away.  It has no power at the moment," 
said Kid Kirby putting the Gauntlet back on the ground.  "Nor do either 
the Cosmic Plot Device or Ring of Retconn."  Shards of a broken Cosmic 
Plot Device littered the ground.

The Ultimate Ninja looked at Occultism Kid who was sitting on the ground 
and twitching.  "What did you do here?  The Bryttles are still alive. 
And the sky is still Beige.  So you obviously didn't use your power to 
stop them -- so, what did you do?  What in hell did you do here?"

And Occultism Kid looked up at the ninja.  "Split.  Split.  Split. 
Split.  Split.  Split.  Split.  Split.  Split.  Split.  Split.  Split. 
Split.  Split.  Split.  Split.  Split.  Split.  Split.  Split.  Split. 
Split.  Split.  Split.  Split.  Split.  Split.  Split.  Split.  Split. 
Split.  Split.  Split.  Split.  Split.  Split.  Split.  Split.  Split. 
Split.  Split.  Split.  Split.  Split.  Split.  Split.  Split.  Split. 
Split.  Split.  Split.  Split.  Split.  Split.  Split.  Split.  Split. 
Split.  Split.  Split.  Split..."

And as Occultism Kid kept saying the word split over and over again, a 
tree started to grow.  And the tree had many apples on it.

And all of them were rotten.



                      **** <<--BM-->> ****
                      **** <<--BM-->> ****


NEXT:               The Week Before the End.


                      **** <<--BM-->> ****
                      **** <<--BM-->> ****


Credits:


Ideas for Beige Midnight by Saxon Brenton, James Enright, Lalo Martins, 
Martin Phipps, Rob Rogers, and Arthur Spitzer...

Thanks to Andrew Perron, Ted Brock, and Dave Van Domelen for their 
comments and corrections.


Dekay and Diskolor, The Bryttle Brothers created by Todd "Scavenger" 
Kogutt, used with permission...

Mynabird suit (Rob Rogers)
          Mite (Arthur Spitzer)


LNH'rs

Bad Judgment Boy - Arthur Spitzer
Captain Continuity - Mystic Mongoose
Cynical Lass - Rob Rogers
Easily-Discovered Man and Lite - Rob Rogers
Footnote Girl - Saxon Brenton
Occultism Kid - Josh Geurick
Ultimate Ninja - wReam
Kid Kirby - Jameel Al Khavitz
Kid Anarky - Stephan Savoie
Catalyst Lass - Elisabeth Riba
Ripping Dancer - Arthur Spitzer
Fearless Leader - Dave Van Domelen
Dr. Stomper - T.M. Neeck
Dr. Bad-Bedside-Manner - Peter Milan
Irony Man - Doug Moran
Whip & Warbabe - Matt Rossi

LNFL:

Continuity Porn Star - Arthur Spitzer
Fourth Wallower - Arthur Spitzer
Mr. Homage - Drizzt
Londonbroil - Rob Rogers
RobGoblin - Tim Benninghoff
Revamp Lass - Jeff McCoskey version
Plum Master - Arthur Spitzer
The Worm - Matt Rossi & Saxon Brenton
Injoker - Only Gamer Boy knows...
Gotcha Gorilla - Arthur Spitzer
Rumor Monger - Drizzt
Romantic Innuendo - wReam
Arthur E. L. Presence - Steven Howard
Vector Crime - Arthur Spitzer & Rob Rogers


Trenchcoaters:

Dvandom Stranger - Dave Van Domelen
The August One - August Paul Yang
Guy in a Trenchcoat Fighting Ninjas - Arthur Spitzer
Simon Velcro - Tom Russell
Bible Thumper - Arthur Spitzer
Lady 58.5 - Arthur Spitzer

Others -

Bart the Dark Receptionist - Ken Schmidt
Gradgnomes & Acton Lord - Dave Van Domelen
Gothic Gorilla - Arthur Spitzer
Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man - Arthur Spitzer
Classy Coolidge - Arthur Spitzer
Hex Luthor - Chris Hare & Saxon Brenton


Writer's Notes:

For those who are confused by this...

http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/Infinite_Leadership_Crisis
http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/List_of_Infinite_Leadership_Crisis_Stories
http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/Beige_Countdown
http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/Beige_Midnight

Probably won't help.


Another issue done.  Two more to go.

About the whole Mynabird - Lite fight... well I'll leave any conclusion 
to that feud in the hands of Rob who does have an interesting idea about 
how to end it.  But it's up to him -- and if he doesn't want to write it 
then I guess you'll be stuck with this story for a conclusion.  Sorry.

I'll assume any shift in leadership from the LNFL to the East and West 
Coast Brotherhoods took place in the Elsewhirl.  And I'll also assume 
that all of the villains got out of there.

Ripping Dancer is still in deep reserve and I expect that I'll probably 
retire her after Beige Midnight ends.  You can if you want write stories 
with her set before her secret cover is blown (pre-Beige Countdown #7) 
if you want -- feel free to do that.  Or you can create a LNH20 version 
of her if you want.  Or a non Tara Shreds version if you want.

As for when will the next issue come out?  I'll probably be trying to 
finish my LNH 20th Anniversary Essay before I start #11 -- so who knows. 
  I was hoping to get all of Beige Midnight done before April 29th -- 
maybe post the last issue on that date, but I doubt that will happen 
considering how every issue seems to take forever to write.  I'm going 
to try my best to get this whole thing finished before the Mayan 
Apocalypse comes.  :)

21273 words for this issue.

Arthur "When will this all end?" Spitzer