REPOST/LNH: The Mid.Net Star's 20th Anniversary Special!

[Arthur Spitzer]

Tomorrow!  The first part of Beige Midnight #10 will be posted!  With 
some writing by Rob Rogers!

But before that -- here's a repost of the Mid.Net Star that I wrote way 
back in 1994 (although this is an edited version that was posted some 
time in the 90s)... Why?  Because this contains the first appearance by 
Easily-Discovered Bran Mite who would later by called Mynabird.

Most of this was written when I was still in high school -- so naturally 
it is way better than any of the stuff I currently write.  :)

All of this probably made more sense if you were reading LNH back in '94.

All of this issue takes place after Robot Invasion.

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The 90's Intro:

I was cleaning out my files and I came upon this.  I had almost 
forgotten I had written it.  Thought I'd repost it since I don't believe 
it's in the archive.  Anyway just a few notes.  I believe I posted this 
about the same time Retcon Hour started.  The idea came about after a 
Stirge post for a promo of upcoming episodes for Errand Boy.  I thought 
the idea was pretty good so I warped it into a post of my own.  So the 
Mid.Net Star is his idea and copyrighted and such (incidently there also 
is a mention of a Mid.Net Sun in Constellation #18 I believe).  Things 
you need to know before you read this are that Tsar Chasm is presumed 
dead.  As for the whole wReam Parking Ticket thing.. well e-mail Dave if 
you really need to know..

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The Mid.Net Star's 20th Anniversary Special

We've brought you extra terrestrials that abduct innocents to give them 
bad haircuts, we've brought you old women named Mary Sue that teach 
their squashes to play Beethoven's Fifth in two keys and then eat them 
for thanksgiving, we've met an Irish WWI veteran who claims to have 
never have picked his nose, we've met an Alabama-Canadian who says the 
secret to eternal life is to sue people, who coincidentally sued us 
after we printed his story, and we've interviewed a man who claims to 
have been Nostradamus, Marco Polo, and wReam in past lives.

Some people say we have no standards, that we just make up stories to 
get a quick buck.  To these people we tell this story.  In 1982 we took 
a risk.  That risk was on Bobo the manic 
depressive-necrophiliac-nazi-jewish-muslim-fundamentalist satanic 
christian-lesbian-environmentalist Pat Sajak worshipping republican 
vegetarian chimpanzee whose goal was to make humanity cringe at his feet.

While the rest of the world might have hunted Bobo down because they 
misunderstood him, we at the Mid.Net Star had hope for Bobo and taught 
Bobo through a careful program which involved a machine that gave 
bananas each time you pushed a blue button and an electric shock each 
time you hit a red button.  After a few weeks we moved into the next 
step and gave Bobo a job as a reporter.  Not only did he succeed, but he 
became the Mid.Net Star's star reporter and eventually moved to an 
editor position and finally to publisher where he has shown his skills 
of leadership by making the Mid.Net Star the number one sleazy tabloid 
in the world.  Now if you can't compare that to creating world peace and 
preventing world hunger well then we guess we must of looked up a 
different definition of caring and sharing than you did..

In fact it was Bobo's (or Lord of All Gods as he likes to be called) 
idea to create this long commercialized needless special to celebrate 
our fifth anniversary.  He even came up with the idea of changing the 
name from 'The Mid.Net Star's 5th Anniversary Special' to 'The Mid.Net 
Star's 20th Anniversary Special' to ensure a larger audience.  In a way 
the new title kind of symbolizes our entire history.  We hope you enjoy 
this TV special and if you don't then we hope you forget how to work 
your remote control.



The Mid.Net Star's 20th Anniversary Special is brought to you by:



Mister Paprika 'now that's a man's pop, for that deep down Boddy thirst'

Easily-Discovered Bran Flakes 'the cereal that not only cleans out your 
colon but makes it glow too'

The Mid.Net Star - All the sleaze that's fit to appease.

Dave Thomas’s Deluxe University - We accept Master Card and Visa.  Buy 
Two Degrees get one Free.  Offer limited while supplies last



*               **               ****               **               *

Elderly Woman Teaches Robo-MAC to Crochet

In a sight that would startle any tourist and newcomer to this tiny 
outskirt of Liverpool, where one would expect to see people that look 
like Andy Capp yelling statements such as 'Cheerio' and 'Sorry Ole Chap' 
while playing cricket or some other weird mind-numbing game, is a 10 ton 
violent metal juggernaut sipping tea with long time resident and 
first-class gardener Miss Fenny Fenworth.

"I know what you're going say," the Robo-Mac Tire Scourge says, "'What's 
a 10 ton heap of junk like you doing here when you should be performing 
ungodly mutilations else where' and I know where you're coming from. 
You see when I first got here that was kind of the plan.  Genocide, 
maybe tp a few houses, turn the town into a blazing inferno, and then 
have a few smokes with some Buddies of mine.. heheh get it.. 
smokes...then go on to the next heavily populated area.

"But just as I was about to turn this squish.. err I mean Miss Fenny 
into toe jam I see her doing some poking with a rod and a piece of 
fabric and I'm curious you see so I ask her what she's doing.  Well 
she's shocked at first you know screaming and stuff.. but after awhile 
we're eating.. what she calls.. biscuits.. sipping tea she's telling me 
about her son who ran off with a tattoo artist to San Francisco.. I'm 
telling her about how I led an assault team to a planet and completely 
annihilated a bunch of kiwi like people.. She's teaching me crocheting.. 
I'm teaching her how to get the blood and flesh off metal with out 
ruining the paint job.. And let me tell you .. I'm having the time of my 
life!  I mean this crocheting is great!  I finally feel at peace with 
myself."

Tire Scourge went on further with his tale of interdimensional 
friendship and finally showed his completed artwork.

"I call it 'Honey Bee Sitting Her Ass on a Daisy'.  I don't know.. what 
do you think.. Rainbow or no Rainbow?"

*               **               ****               **               *

Brooklyn Taxi Driver Claims to Be Long Lost Brother to Panta of the LNH -

In yesterday’s startling press conference Tony Buttagachi insisted that 
he is the sibling of the long time Net Patroller and one time Furrboy 
centerfold despite the LNHr's denial.

"Lemme juz say I'm shocked!  I mean I know dem band of 
Arab-gypsy-Charlie's angel type terrorists with dem you know bad ass 
machine guns dat when dey invaded our little slum/cardboard box and took 
Hair Ball despite the fact dat I beat de living crap out of dem till 
their numbers became so numerous dat dey knocked me out, and also dat I 
was only you know four years old at de time, probably brainwashed and 
placed false memories in her like typical Arab-gypsy-Charlie angel type 
terrorists tend da do, but still I can't you know believe she don't 
remember."

"I mean I was de one dat held her little hand when she got her 
distemperate shot.  Little Hairball dat's what I uh used to you know 
call her.  I mean all I want is to you know see her uh furry face again, 
maybe getz some of those LNH towels and ashtrays, uh maybe stay oh 5 or 
6 months or longer if she wants, and take some snap-shots of her nude, 
err uh err I mean take some snap-shots of her nude in the strict 
brotherly religious sense of course though."

Asked about what proof he has that he is indeed Panta's true lost 
sibling he took off his pants and showed his incredibly hairy legs. 
"Check deze mudders %^*&# out, heheh lets just say I haven't need da buy 
socks since 6th grade.  Need more, hows bout I shows the hairs on de 
back of me, lets just say dat Wolverine would getz wet dreams afters 
seeing my back, heheh.."  Needless to say the members of the press that 
were still conscious after seeing Mr. Buttagachi's display firmly 
protested against seeing his unclothed back.

After the press conference, Mr. Buttagachi went straight to a favorite 
hangout of his called Moono's Liquor World where he showed his mutant 
latent ability to play pool while belching the theme of 'Life Styles of 
the Rich and Famous' with three beer cans balancing on his head.  During 
the show he also commented on the ever debated topic of societies hatred 
of mutant kind.

"I knows de hatred, hey you don't mind if I scratch my armpit while 
talking do you.. hey thanks.  When youz gets to my scale of de 
evol-shuh-nary scale.. I mean justs because I'm superior an all doesn't 
mean dat I ain't mortal you know.. you get what I'm saying.. like I was 
telling my friend Joey youz just got to go with the flow, who by the way 
owns his own auto repair shop.  Hell just de other day.. I was minding 
my own business when this little geek comes balling an stuff, I mean how 
the hell was I spose ta know dat I parked on his dog, so I says, "I'm 
sorry quit your yapping maybe parking on your stupid mutt did him a 
favor by not forcing him to see your ugly face anymore." I mean nice and 
concerned like though."

"And you know what?  The little *%#@^&* gets all upset and you know what 
the little *$%^*@* flips me off.  And I'm trying to be diplomatic and 
stuff and well this ticks me off.  So I gets out of my cab.."  Mr. 
Buttagachi further explains graphically how as he puts it "chowed that 
mama’s boy’s head off where the sun don’t shine" and "striked a blow for 
mutant kind."  The X-men have yet to comment on this.

*               **               ****               **               *

Easily-Discovered Bran Mite Challenges Easily-Discovered Man Lite to a Duel

In the normal suburban town of Reaganville is born a new kind of superhero.

"Well when my family and I first saw that thing crawl out of the cereal 
box all glowing and .. well we didn't know what it was," Reaganville 
resident George Johnson said.  "With all of those taxes that Clinton's 
been forcing down our throats it got me to thinking..and I.. well just 
thank God that I've been listening to Limbaugh Man to realize that Slick 
Willy is just using that money to send pornographic magazines to third 
world countries and the rest to build tiny little glowing things to 
control our minds.

"One of which I thought happened to come out of my family's Star 
Spangled Easily Discovered Bran Flakes TM( based on the world's most 
popular and most commercialized hero Easily Discover Man and remember 
after you watch this to be sure to call for your own Easily-Discovered 
Man Lite Magazine Stand to hold all of your Mid.Net Stars. You'll be 
glad you did.).   So being a patriotic person and all I let that mind 
control thingie have it with my shoe, but it turns out that it wasn't 
one of Clinton's mind controlling devices, instead it was a super 
powered bug and would you believe a Limbaugh Man listener at that."

"Well afterwards we both had a laugh, and talked about how these damn 
nature boys are destroying our great economy.  And you know what?  It 
turns out that Lil Ollie's, that's what we call him you know after the 
soon to be greatest next senator of this US of A, entire civilization 
used to live in my family's cereal box before it was wiped out by some 
type of radiation which bestowed him with his incredible powers.  And 
well this is now obviously an attempt by those damn liberals in trying 
to label our great American nuclear program as possibly being dangerous 
by killing an entire civilization of Limbaugh listeners.  I just thank 
God that Ollie talked to me before he became seduced by those Commie 
Democrats."

When asked about who he felt did the heinous deed he replied, "Well 
After a few six pacs we decided it either was that Streisand broad, you 
know the one that hangs around Clinton I think sings too, Barney the 
Dinosaur, or Easily-Discovered Man Lite.  Now I know what you're going 
to say, 'EDM lite? Why he's as American as Mom making an apple pie while 
singing one of those McDonalds jingles.  It just isn't possible.'  And 
that's what I thought at least until the facts presented themselves."

"Imagine if you will, EDM Lite being given an ungodly amount of 
tranquilizers, barbiturates, being whacked on the head a few times with 
a mallet, and then being forced to watch Wall Street Week reruns.  And 
then try to imagine him with a Tennessee accent.  What, dare I say, high 
official nature boy does that remind you of? Give up?  It is mine an 
Ollie's opinion that if you were to take off Hector Lopez's mask that 
you would find none other than AL GORE!"

Lil Ollie, who calls himself Easily-Discovered Bran Mite for tax 
reasons, confirmed Mr. Johnson's theory and went on to challenge EDM 
Lite to a no-holds-bar brawl to settle things once and for all, "This is 
a special message to EDM Lite.  Read my lips punk.  You are the disease. 
  I'm the cure.  Yo Adrian.  Yaaaaahhhhhhhhuuuggghhhh!!! *Grunt* 
*Grunt*!!!"  EDB Mite admitted afterwards that his speech might have 
been heavily influenced by a Sylvester Stallone film festival he had 
recently gone to, but felt that Stallone was given a bad rap and planned 
to go after Stallone's critics once EDM Lite was disposed of.  He also 
said he has been given numerous offers to have his life story made into 
a TV movie, but won't make any commitments until he has received total 
revenge.

When asked about his fellow Kiddie cereal peer's fall from grace, the 
Trix Rabbit said this:  "Let me tell you Lite if you're out there 
listening.  I know what you're going through.  Little brats taking the 
cereal away just when you're about to eat it telling you trix are for 
kids.  Day after day after.. And wanting to find them and watch them run 
and then.. to chop them into little itsy bitsy pieces with a blender 
and.. Hey is that camera still on?  Uh.. well I just want you to know 
ever since I've become a born again rabbit..."  Mr. Rabbit went on to 
ask for a donation to the Church of Bob.

*               **               ****               **               *

Tsar Chasm Seen in Seven-Net.leven Chugging a Mister Paprika

In a scene that seems to becoming normal in El Reeko, Net.Mexico's local 
Seven-Netleven, a haven for dead and famous celebrities of all kinds or 
so store manager Mr. Geraldo Valdez claims, was a sighting of the would 
be net.conquerer and one of the LNH's most challenging enemies.

"As I remember, it was Tuesday, because that's when we get the new 
Furrboy's in, heheh and this guy comes in with shiny armor and a blue 
cape, well who else has shiny armor and a blue cape besides Madonna? 
And the five o'clock shadow tipped me off that it wasn't her, although 
even that doesn't make you positive these days heheheh.  So anyways he's 
checking out the Furrboy's and I'm telling him that's a very good issue, 
heheh, and asking him if he would mind if I took his picture.  He 
doesn't seem to care so I get my camera and take it."

When asked about why the picture looks more like Mr. Valdez in shiny 
armor with a blue cape than in does Tsar Chasm, he replied, "Obvious 
mind control on his part to make it look like I'm lying to you.  This is 
all his masterplan though and really why would I lie to you."  Unable to 
find flaw in Mr. Valdez's logic the Mid.Net Star left it at that.

When interviewing others at the scene of the Net.Conqueror's dramatic 
reappearance there were mixed feelings.  Some were positive.

"I think it's cool, man.  We need more super powered villians that just 
say.  'Hey, Destroying the Looniverse is just going to have to wait, 
man!  Ok dude?  I'm in the middle of eating some frito's now, man.  So 
will you get off my back, man!'  Tsar Chasm speaks out to my generation, 
unlike that Acton Lord geezer, and those other old bozos," replied a 
purple haired punk listening to satanic music.

Others were more than sceptical.

"I don't care if it was Tsar Chasm or Yogi Bear," said a disturbed old 
man, "All I do know is that this bozo comes out of nowhere and takes the 
store's last Mr. Paprika.  Now I've been coming here for the last 10 
years, everytime expecting that great cool refreshing mountain taste, 
and I'm supposed to accept being dissappointed just because this bozo 
happened to takeover that weenie run LNH!!  I think not.  But being the 
nice guy I am I decide to just let it go this one time.  So I'm watching 
this bastard drink the last Mr. Paprika.  Does he say, "Now, that's a 
man's Pop!"  No he just kind of drinks it like it means nothing.  Like 
it's an ordinary soft drink!  And when he belches does he savor the 
belche and get a bulged look in his eye.  No he just belches.  Is this 
what our country has come to??  Have we declined so far as to have super 
villians walk into our stores and steal our precious carbonated 
fluids!!!  I mean really.  What would Gamer Boy think about this?” 
However, the mysterious being known by the Looniverse populous only as 
Gamer Boy was not present at the time for inquiry.

*               **               ****               **               *

Entire Mural of the LNH Found in Man’s Throat

What was originally thought by a Mr. James Schnozzle as a simple case of 
a soar throat became much more serious when his own personal physician 
Dr. J.B. Hunter found an unusual mold growing on and slowly eating away 
at the flesh of Mr. Schnozzles throat.

"Well I’m checking out Mr. Schnozzle's sample with my microscope and 
stunned at what I see.  ‘Is that Pliable Lad formed into the shape of a 
fungus with Substitute Lad performing the same feat.,’ I say to myself. 
  And eventually squinting my eye’s I can see all of the LNH’rs.  So I 
call in Miss Fruzy my uh nurse yeah my nurse to get her opinion.  Like 
the smart girl she is she immediately see the rendition of the LNH.  I 
call Schnozzle back and tell him the situation.  He immediately shares 
my idea of an educational theme park to better the minds of our future 
generation.”

When asked about the rumors that Mr. Schnozzle is held drugged against 
his will, Dr. Hunter replied, “Nonsense, those rumors that I drugged him 
and crammed microscopes into his throat are totally unfounded.  The 
drugs err medicines that I give him just have this occasional 
side-effect that causes him to panic and lie to the marks. uh.. I mean 
truth seekers.”

But, if anything, these so called rumors do more good for business in 
Dr. Hunters new, as he calls it, Place of Intellectual Enlightenment 
than bad.  So good that he has expanded with more advertisements and a 
gift shop.  He also has a mime that juggles chainsaws, a most unusual 
sight for an educational park to say the least.  “The mime,” Hunter 
claims, “Is to lure the children that might be bored with the idea of 
art in a throat.  I hope that after they see the mime they will want to 
see the throat and its many lessons.”  Whatever Dr. Hunters motives are, 
the effects of his actions can be felt miles away by the other parks: 
national and commercial.  Grand Canyon officials are now talking about 
adding a roller coaster.

On a sad note though Mr. Schnozzles died shortly a week after our 
interview, do to the moss eating away at his spinal cord and microscopes 
being shoved to forcefully down his throat.  On an up note though this 
caused the admission tickets bought by tourists to this eighth wonder of 
the world to sky rocket to an all time high.  If ticket revenues 
continue to soar Dr. Hunter said he might even add a roller coaster and 
possibly a snack bar.

“I just hope to if not stop then to put a dent in the moral degradation 
that’s claiming our youth of America, amen,” said Dr. Hunter.

*               **               ****               **               *

Man Has wReam Validate Parking Tickets

What began as a simple check/raid into some mysterious validated parking 
tickets became the story of the millennium when police searched Bill 
Howard's apartment.  "Well when we first noticed the tickets, we figured 
it was probably some teenagers pulling pranks, having fun that sort of 
stuff.  I mean really who would have wReam validate parking tickets, but 
it started to get out of hand maybe four validated tickets per day.  And 
we just want to make it clear to the folks out there that having wReam 
validate your parking ticket is not only a bad idea, but it's also 
against the law."

"Anyway we send a car over to check this out and give Mr. Howard a 
warning.  When our guys get there, get this, while my men are talking to 
Mr. Howard one of my men is sort of browsing through the house he 
stumbles on to a diploma from the Net.York College of Computer Aided 
Taxidermy giving Mr. Howard the right to practice taxidermy in the state 
of Louisiana.. signed by Professor wReam!  This wasn’t medicine or 
teaching.  This was Taxidermy.  This was sacred."

"This is quickly turning into something big.  Really big.  So our boys 
get quickly back to the station to get a search warrant and guns.  When 
we get there we're immediately fired at by Mr. Howard and retaliate. 
Unfortunately Mr. Howard was killed during the show down.  When we got 
in the apartment we were shocked at the fact that Mr. Howard had a 
basement.  Why I lived in an apartment for 8 years and they didn't even 
let me keep a goldfish much less a basement."

"When we entered the basement, right under the staircase were two boxes. 
  One had 1966 to 1985 wReam validated parking tickets.  The other had 
1986 to Present.  But not even that would prepare us for the shock of 
the papers."

"Diplomas, Wills, Stocks, Checks, Bonds, Permission Slips, Library 
Fines, Great Works of Art, Report Cards, Tax Forms, Best Selling Books, 
Napkins, and More.  They all had one thing in common.  They were all 
signed by wReam!!!”

“In one of the piles, we  found a diary which showed his future plans. 
Here’s an excerpt: ‘July 13, 1994 - Have wReam swear me in as a Justice 
of the Supreme Court., September 5, 1994 Have wReam outlaw Constitution, 
December 31, 1994 - Have wReam crown me King of the universe,  February 
23, 1994 - Have wReam marry me to Michelle Pfeiffer....”  What can I 
say.  I’m just glad we destroyed this menace before it could happen.. 
So close.  Michelle Pfeiffer.  Sometimes I get chills at night just 
thinking about it.”

Dave Van Domelen was not around for comment.

*               **               ****               **               *

We hoped you enjoyed this special, and hope you can be with us for our 
next special  "Is There Life After wReam?"  Various celeberties, 
including Don Knotts and Mr. T, will voice their opinions on this living 
legend and why America can't get enough of him.  Don't miss it.

Arthur "The Sleaze that Appeases" Spitzer