REPOST/NTB/LNH: Beige Countdown #0 -- 'The Book of Deus ex Machinas' (Part II)
arspitzer at earthlink.net
Wed Jun 27 16:26:40 PDT 2012
"And I wouldn't figure out how to pull porn centerfolds out again till I
was twenty-one, which by then was a little too late. As for the hat,"
Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad shrugged. "Once I figured out that I could
use my power on any hat I guess I thought that there was nothing that
special about this hat. I just kept it for sentimental reasons. And
because it was cool, of course."
"I see. Look, Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad, I'm going to try to enter
the dimension that's in your hat," Occultism said as he took the hat
from Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad's hands
"Err -- okay. What should I do while you're doing that?"
"Just guard the hat. Make sure it's safe from harm. I'm not sure when
I'll be back. If I get into any trouble, I'll write some messages in
paper and you can pull them out. Okay?"
Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad gave a nod.
"Okay then. I'm going in." Occultism Kid made some chants and gestures
with his hands, which caused him to turn into a colorful cloud of smoke,
which flowed into the top hat until it was gone.
Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad looked inside his hat, but couldn't see
anything of note. He set it down on the table and sat in a chair.
"Okay. I guess I'll be staring at this hat. Staring away."
Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad tapped the table as he watched the hat with
a bored expression. "Damn. I really should have brought my iHat."
As Occultism Kid slipped within a very small tear that was in
Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad's hat. On the other side of the tear was
magnificent landscape that was covered in an amethyst sky with azure
clouds lighted by an emerald sun. He could see far into the distance
what appeared to be an ebony castle. And on the ground made of blood
red sand something was moving. Creatures that looked like turtles.
Turtles of Apocalyptic Proportions.
The landscape was covered in them. There were millions of them. Maybe
billions? Perhaps trillions?
The turtles became aware of his presence and before he could think about
how to deal with them, the turtles started leaping from the ground
sending their absurdly enormous bodies towards him. Their eyes glowed.
Glowed with the color of Armageddon.
Weevil Dendrite didn't like what he saw when he opened up his fridge.
It wasn't that his fridge was filled with bowls of jello. No. It
always was like that. No. It was the color of the jello. Every single
jello in his refrigerator had turned the color beige. The Grape, The
Strawberry Banana, The Peach, and Yes -- even the Blackberry. It was
the Blackberry one that disturbed him the most. The Blackberry jello
that had only one purpose. To tell him that the end of everything was
near (or that the Cubs were going to win the World Series which didn't
seem very likely this year). There was a beige jello tower that was
growing from it. And two jello monsters also seemed to be crawling out
of it. Weevil shut the fridge door. No, this definitely wasn't good.
He went over to his cupboard and grabbed a bunch of jello packets. And
then he went over to his closet and took out his trenchcoat. He sighed.
When would it ever end?
But for now -- the Jellomancer needed to return.
Kirk Dublin flipped the burger on the grill watching it sizzle on the
hot metal. Flies hovered around the grill. Kirk tried to shoo the
flies away with his spatula. But one fly didn't seem to want to leave.
It kept buzzing and buzzing. Getting closer to the grill. And
finally, the fly flew right into the burning coals. Stupid fly. Why
did it do that?
Kirk looked up and noticed that a stranger was in his yard. A man that
wore a black trenchcoat and black fedora carrying a staff made out of
some strange black material in one hand and a beige trenchcoat and
briefcase in the other. Kirk started to become very uneasy. "Umm --
Can I help you with something?"
"Once I may have joined you for slightly charred hamburgers and
citronella-tinged conversation, but for now I must be the Banquo at your
banquet, the uninvited guest." The Stranger gave a slight smile.
"Uhuh. Look if you want some food or money, I can..."
"No. I came here to speak to the Deadbeat."
"Deadbeat? I don't know what you're talking about. Maybe you should
"No. But my time is too precious to fool around with these type of
games." The trenchcoated stranger struck his staff on the lawn.
Everything except for the stranger and Kirk disappeared.
"No! What have you done?!" Kirk said as he gazed in horror at the blank
white world. "Where's my house? My family? Bring it back! Bring it
The stranger shook his head. "This is the truth that you already know.
This was a prison forged by the man named Dr. Molar. Your family and
life here are not real. This is your reality." The stranger dumped the
beige trenchcoat onto the blank white ground. "Pick it up. Put it on."
"No. I can't. Not again. Please!"
"If you do not put on the trenchcoat, then you turn your back on
everything. Everyone. Worlds and Universes will die. You will die.
But put the trenchcoat on and everything might be saved. And once the
balance has been restored, I care not what you do with yourself. I can
bring you back here so you can wallow away your final years in this
dream life. If you want. But if you don't put on the trenchcoat your
dream and dream family die here and now."
"Fine." Kirk Dublin grabbed the trenchcoat reluctantly. He looked at
the trenchcoat with the fading logo 'Stolen from Club Med' on it and
hesitated. His hands started to shake. And then he put it on.
As soon as he put the trenchcoat on, a change overtook him. A wild grin
came over his face. His hand quickly reached into one of the pockets
and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. He stuffed every one of them in
his mouth and took out a lighter and lit them all. After a number of
very deep inhales and exhales, he took all but one out of his mouth.
Putting his hand into another pocket, he took out a bottle of pills and
a bottle of gin. After he swallowed the bottle of pills and washed them
down with the bottle of gin, he threw them on the ground. "Damn. I
needed that." He laughed to himself. And then he looked at the
Stranger and gave a wink. "Well, Dave. Thanks and all for getting me
out of that Retard Asylum. You can drop me off at the nearest orgy or
whore house if you want. I'll even pay for gas."
"No. You're going to Net.ropolis. You have business there."
"The Hell I do. Look. Fine. You can leave me here if you want. I'm
sure I can find my way out of here." Dr. Deadbeat started to walk
around the blank world he was in. "Okay. Where's the door in this
place? Got to be somewhere here. Hmm."
"As tempting as that sounds. No. You're going to Net.ropolis. And
here's the reason." The Dvandom Stranger opened up the briefcase and
showed the contents to Dr. Deadbeat. The contents gave a golden glow.
"Is that...? Christ. For real?"
The Dvandom Stranger nodded.
"Damn. Bloody Bastard." Dr. Deadbeat frowned. "Fine. Net.ropolis it
is. So. Who else is going to be there? Eh?"
"Everyone that I can get."
Dr. Deadbeat laughed. "That's funny. You're kidding. Right?" The
Dvandom Stranger didn't answer. "I mean you're kidding. Please tell me
And with a flash the two trenchcoaters disappeared leaving a blank white
world that seemed to be turning more and more beige as the time passed.
A man walked into a Diapers, Guns, and Pentagram Supplies.Mart. A
strange tall man wearing an old railroad conductor's hat, dress pants,
shirt, and suspenders. Near the counter of the store were two
trenchcoated men and another person who looked like the store clerk
bound to the floor with rope. The two trenchcoaters looked up and
stared at the strange man with the railroad conductor hat with rather
"I say there! What are you two gents doing?" said the Stange Man with a
cheerful voice. "Ah, is that an exorcism? Ah, yes -- an exorcism!
Jolly good. Jolly good. I don't like to brag -- but I have had a share
of exorcisms under my belt in my day. Let's see here. When was the
last one? Oh yes. I was exorcising this Non-Tipping Barfly. Sadly, it
went a little wrong. The demon escaped and kind of took over that small
town. A shame. It was a rather nice village before the demon took it
over. Haven't been back there since. I wonder if that demon is still
in control? Well, I can't really go back there. The county, you see,
passed this law forbidding me from entering that county again. Seemed
slightly excessive, but I guess that whole demon escapade left them a
little raw. Oh, btw, the name's Velcro. Simon Velcro. Member of the NTB."
The two trenchcoaters didn't answer. They just continued to stare at him.
"I know what you're thinking. You're probably thinking that I'm just
some poser and wanker trying to pretend I'm the great Simon Velcro just
so you'll think I'm cool and hip. But no really, I am Simon Velcro.
Really! Honest to Betsy! You see my trenchcoat was stolen by this
Negatively Trained Bartender -- it's actually a rather long (but highly
amusing) story involving Nude Tricycling Bears and Naughty Teenaged
Babes -- but you're probably busy with that whole exorcism macjiggy so I
won't tire you with all of the breathtaking details. Suffice to say I
had this map given to me by the Dvandom Stranger, or Davey as he likes
me to call him (because we're that close!), that showed the whereabouts
of this very important meeting that Davey wanted me to attend (probably
because of my incredible occult abilities or conversation skills!). But
alas, I put the map in my trenchcoat -- and my trenchcoat was stolen!
Can you believe that? I can't -- but it happened! And since you two
gents seem to be wearing trenchcoats I was wondering if you were aware
of where this meeting might be taking place -- or even what city it
might be at?"
"Hmm. There's this big thing going down in Net.ropolis. Is that what
you're talking about?" said the trenchcoated man with the mustache.
"Net.ropolis? Yes. That sounds about right. Well, I guess that's all
I really needed to know. Thank you for the help. I'd love to stay and
chat with you fellas, but..." Simon Velcro looked at his Mickey Mouse
watch. "But the time -- I need to get my beauty rest. You know how
that is. Well, thanks again. Toot-a-loo, my fellow Net.Trenchcoat
Brigade members. And you too, Mr. Bound on the Floor Man. Bye!"
The man bound on the floor started to scream as Simon Velcro exited the
"Wait. Who the fuck is Simon Velcro?" asked the man in the trenchcoat
who had no mustache to his companion.
The trenchcoated man with the mustache shrugged his shoulders and began
to apply more holy water on the bounded screaming man.
Occultism Kid wrapped himself in a Sphere of Protection, but he knew he
wouldn't be able to sustain the spell forever as fire and lightning
beams from a swarm of turtles' eyes tried to annihilate him and acid and
poison gases washed over the sphere. For some reason these turtles
unlike their Looniverse counterparts the LNH had fought seemed to have
quite a bit of powers and a resistance to magic. Was it the dimension
that was giving them these powers? Or maybe the Book of Deus ex
Machinas? Whatever the reason, he had to get out of here before they
totally pulverized him.
He'd have to go back and get a large number of LNH'rs, although judging
from the powers and number of turtles there was no way that even the
whole LNH could defeat all of them. He needed a plan. Maybe Hooded
Ho`'od Win could have a whole lot of the LNH fight the turtles while a
small team led by him snuck into the castle to get the Book. Or Maybe
First things first though. He had to get out of here alive. As he
pondered how to slip through the turtles that were surrounding him he
noticed that they had stopped attacking him. Something was wrong. The
turtles seemed to be gagging. And then he watched as they started to
fall back to the ground. The turtles were dying. And not just the ones
that were attacking him. The rest also seemed to be dropping to the
ground and collapsing. They were all dying.
Occultism Kid was relieved that the barrage of violence had stopped, but
the death of all of these turtles greatly disturbed him. What was doing
it? Or who? The few ideas about who didn't comfort him. He had to get
to the castle quickly and get the Book before whatever was killing all
of the turtles got there first. He cast a spell that gave him the
ability to fly at incredibly fast speeds and sped towards the castle
even as the Turtles of Apocalyptic Proportions dropped like flies from a
wave of death.
Occultism Kid slowed his body down as he entered the castle. He could
feel the power of the Book of Deus ex Machinas. It was like a candle
flame that flickered with the energy of a trillion universes. Occultism
Kid floated his way towards this incredible feeling, which led him to a
gigantic gold door. With a blast of his magic the door opened revealing
a large room. In the room was an old trenchcoated man whose colors were
only black, white, and grey. He clutched a book in his hands. Beside
him were the skeletons of a male and a female who were also wearing
"You idiot!" the old man said in a furious manner. "You brought him
here! You've doomed us! You've -- It's all doomed. Everything wasted."
"What are you talking about?" Occultism Kid said looking around the
room. "Who did I...?"
"I believe he's talking about me," said a voice that Occultism Kid
instantly recognized. A second later the visage of Bart the Dark
Receptionist became visible. Unearthly crimson tendrils wrapped around
Occultism Kid before he could act in retaliation. "Oh and btw thanks
for helping me find this place. I really -- and I mean really couldn't
have done this without you. See, Mr. Grey Guy was casting some powerful
spell that hid him and this dimension. So thanks." Bart laughed a
mocking laugh. "Now I can free the Bryttle Brothers from the book. Oh.
Didn't you know that's where they were? I must have forgot to tell
you that info. A shame."
Oh god. Occultism Kid's heart sank as he realized what he had done.
Occultism Kid started chanting spells to help him break free from the
Bart ignoring Occultism Kid blasted the Ring of Retconn at the old man.
The old man looked in horror as he realized he didn't have any arms.
He never had any arms. The book he was holding fell to the ground.
"That's not the real book, is it?" Bart said glancing at the book that
had fallen. "Some kind of magical trap, right? Clever." Bart blasted
the book into oblivion. "Too bad for you -- I can read minds, isn't
it?" Bart laughed. "I think I'll read yours now. Now, I have to warn
you -- this -- is going to smart." The old man's face clenched in agony
as he let out a blood curding scream. "Wow. Well. You've committed
all kinds of nauseating and unspeakable acts, haven't you? I feel
jealous. Alas, it was for naught. Boy, you're probably feeling very
guilty about the life you've led right about now, I'll bet. No heaven
for you. Oh. So that's where it is. Interesting."
Occultism Kid struggled in the tendrils, which seemed to absorb every
spell he cast, making them stronger and stronger.
Bart walked over to where the old man was and then using his Insanity
Gauntleted hand reached into the old man's chest and pulled out his
still beating grayish heart. "A rather peculiar place to store a book
if I do say so myself." Bart burned the heart away with a mere thought.
He blew the pile of ashes away from his palm leaving a tiny book.
"Hmm. Lot smaller than I expected. Wait a sec." Bart closed his eyes
and then reopened them. The Book of Deus ex Machinas returned to its
original size. "There. That's better. Now let's see what we have here."
"Bart! Don't do this! Please, just think about..."
Bart looked back at Occultism Kid and shook his head in an amused
manner. "Occultism Kid. Occultism Kid. Really, now. After all of the
horrible atrocities I've committed to get this far, and you think I
should stop right now? Right now? No. Uhuh. Sorry. That's not how
the game is played. Nope." Bart opened the book. "Well, I guess I
better get this over with. Now which page are they on?" Bart thumbed
through the index. "Ah. Here. Dekay and Diskolor. Page 666. Heh.
How cliched." Bart flipped over to the page and ripped it out. Bart
held the page up so that Occultism Kid could see it. "Any last words?"
Occultism Kid closed his eyes and focused all of his energy into one
enormous incredibly powerful spell. And then he chanted one word.
Freedom. A surge of magical energy enveloped him burning away the
tendrils that bound him. He was free, but the spell took its toil.
Occultism Kid collapsed to the ground.
"Impressive. A little too late though." With a thought, Bart turned
the page into flame and ash. The ashes flaked down to the ground.
"Hmm. Have to admit I was expecting something a little more dramatic.
Ah well. The Brothers are free. My contract with them has been
fulfilled. Hmm. Weird. You hear that? A ticking sound? There's this
ticking in my head. Tick. Tick. Tick. Hmm. Of course maybe I'm just
going crazy." Bart chuckled to himself.
Occultism Kid struggled his away up from the floor. He had to get the
book from Bart.
"Oh? You want the book? Well. Okay." Bart threw the book down. "You
can have it. I'm kind of done with it myself. Enjoy. Oh and you can
live too. Aren't a nice guy? Well, guess I'll be going. See you in
the Past." With that said Bart vanished from the room.
Occultism crawled his way over to where the book was and picked it up.
He looked over to where the old trenchcoated man was lying. He had
failed. This was all his fault. God. God dammit! Why didn't his
future self warn him about this? Why?
And then Occultism Kid heard a ticking sound in his head too. And
that's when the earth shook.
Meg Ryan looked at the group of heroes that were sitting at the table in
the rather dark dusty mysterious basement with a serious expression on
her face. "Okay. You're probably wondering what this meeting is about.
Why I called you all here."
"Umm -- actually, what I'm kinda wondering is what you, Meg Ryan, are
doing here," Cheesecake Eater Lad responded. "Last time I checked Meg
Ryan wasn't a member of the LNH. What the hell is going on here? Is
this some type of Retcon Hour effect?"
"Cat," Doctor Stomper said looking straight at Meg Ryan. "You might
want to turn my image.thingee off."
"Oh. Whoops." Catalyst Lass gave a little giggle as she switched it
off. "Sorry about that. Forgot that was still on. Had to come here
incognito. And somehow I just couldn't resist being Meg for a bit."
"Next time, perhaps something more inconspicuous." Doctor Stomper
pulled out a small device about the size of a thumb tack. "This is what
this meeting is about. It's one of Hex Luthor's Freedom Chips. It was
originally installed in Hell Catalyst although I managed to get it out
of her and put a decoy in its place."
"Whoah," Cheesecake Eater Lad broke in. "When did this happen? Why
doesn't anyone know about this?"
"It happened several months ago," answered Catalyst Lass. "Me and Helly
have both been working a covert mission to learn as much as we can about
the Hexfire Club. We switch places every now and then. The trickiest
part being fooling Mr. Tiddles. What we've learned though is that Hex
Luthor has control over the LNH and that the Ultimate Ninja probably
isn't the Ultimate Ninja."
"That sounds about right," Cheesecake Eater Lad said with a nod. "I've
been having my suspicions too lately. UN has been acting very strange
since he was released from prison. I don't know -- there's something
about the way he's behaving that reminds me of someone else. Just can't
think of whom. So, what happened to the real Ultimate Ninja and what
are we going to do about it?"
"I think we're going to have to assume that the Ultimate Ninja can take
care of himself," said Fearless Leader breaking into the conversation.
"But right now we've got all kinds of problems -- and the biggest one
being that everyday a hundred more Freedom Chip controlled Superheroes
are joining the LNH. We're going to need a force to counteract that.
We're going to have find out who's with us and try to recruit non LNH'rs
and maybe some supervillains. We're going to have to build an army and
prepare for war."
"Yes. Maybe we'll have to do that. But it's possible that I'll be able
to figure out how the Freedom Chip works and disable it with some
device," Doctor Stomper replied.
"Well, it looks like we have lots to do and..." Catalyst Lass paused,
"Weird. Does any one else hear a ticking sound?"
The secret meeting room started to shake.
Continuity Porn Star struggled a bit with the crow bar as he attempted
to open the wooden box. There, the box was open, Continuity Porn Star
thought as he put the crow bar down and adjusted his bathrobe (a
bathrobe that covered Continuity Porn Star's very tattooed body.
Tattoos of which contained many references to a number of RACC stories.
Tattoos that would Boggle and Confuse any ordinary person who
attempted to look at them. Only a person who had read every LNH, LNHY,
PULP, NTB, RACChallenge, KEWL, SUPERGUY, OMEGA, PATROL, ASH, Elsewhirl,
8FOLD, and a number of other RACC Imprints stories could possibly hope
to understand what Continuity Porn Star's tattoos meant. A person who
hadn't read all of those stories would just look at all the tattoos with
befuddlement and say, 'What the hell? I don't get that. You mean I
have to read all of those stories just to understand what those tattoos
mean? All of them? Christ! I don't have time for that. God. I've
got to get out of here. I just don't understand. I don't understand!
What do they mean!? WHAT DO THEY MEAN!!!?' And then they'd walk away
totally confused. If they looked at the tattoos that is.) Continuity
Porn Star wiped some sweat off the top of his head and opened the wooden
crate. And then he looked inside and backed away in horror.
"Tarantulas! Pink Tarantulas!"
The Pink Tarantulas started crawling out of the crate.
"Ah!" said Mynabird. "They finally arrived!"
"You wanted these things?"
"Tarantula!" growled the Tarantulas.
"Of course!" Mynabird walked over and plucked one of the tarantulas and
watched as it crawled on his hand. "We had a small animal gap. I mean,
what good would it be to create a massive supervillain army that can
destroy the LNH if at the last second a massive swarm of kiwis defeats
us? Am I right?"
"I don't think that's going to happen."
"But it could!" Mynabird said shaking his head. "No. People always
underestimate the small animals factor. But not me! I understand only
all too well that sometimes the smallest animals are the most dangerous
animals!" Mynabird clenched his fist. "And now with these tarantulas
who are trained to attack and kill kiwis and oozlefinches, we've got
that base covered!"
"But they're pink! Why?" asked Continuity Porn Star.
"Well, you wouldn't believe what they were charging for the ordinary
brown type! But they were practically giving these pink ones away. The
person I bought these from assures me though that they're as dangerous
perhaps even more dangerous than the ordinary ones."
"Tarantula!" growled the Tarantulas.
"You're kidding? Right?" said Romantic Innuendo with an aghast look on
her face. "We now have to share our headquarters with tarantulas? Oh
god. This place is so horrible. And to think -- back in the days when
Mr. Homage was running the Brotherhood we used to stay at the Ritziest
and Swankest Hideout spots. I mean there would be Champaign bottles in
the bathroom and mints on the pillows. And a red rose also on the bed."
Romantic Innuendo sighed to herself.
"Hmm," said Captain Coredump with a slight hurt expression on his face,
"I don't remember any red roses on my bed."
"Well, that might have just been me. Nevertheless, how long are we
going to have to endure this dump? I mean really. The LNH's cellrooms
are better than this place. I mean, this place is totally ruining my
complexion," Romantic Innuendo said looking at her face using her
Mynabird snatched the mirror out of her hands and crushed it in his
fist. "I am not Homage! And this is not the Brotherhood! This is the
Legion of Net.Villains!"
A mischievous smile found its way onto Romantic Innuendo's face.
"Perhaps, a girlfriend would give you a much more Sunny..." Before she
could say more though Mynabird grabbed her by the throat.
"If I feel even the slightest romantic feeling for anyone -- Anyone --
I will tear your head off your shoulders! Am I clear?" Mynabird threw
Romantic Innuendo back down onto the floor. "When we have crushed the
LNH, we will be kings and queens of this world! We'll be able to live
in castles or whatever your heart desires."
"Yeah? And when are we going to do that?" growled the RobGoblin.
"While we're standing around jawing -- the LNH keeps getting bigger!"
"10,000 new members," said Rumor Monger. "Well, that's what I've heard."
"Patience my fellow villains. I have a plan. A secret plan that just
can't be revealed right at this moment, but I assure you that..."
"You know, Mynabird -- I think you're a one trick pony. Oh sure you
were awesome in that whole Supervillain-LNH Robot Duplicate War, but
what have you done since then? It seems like failure after failure.
That whole taking over Net.ropolis debacle. The Ultimate Black Hole
incident." The mysterious figure in the shadows shook his head. "No.
I think we need a change in leadership. And. I think that change
should be me -- Greatest-Most-Awesome-LNH-Villain-Ever Master Man!!!!
Yes!! Me!! I should be the leader of the Legion of Net.Villains,"
Greatest-Most-Awesome-LNH-Villain-Ever Master Man said stepping out of
the shadows. "So who's with me? Who's ready for the greatest LNH
villain ever to be in charge?"
The room filled with a long awkward silence.
"Right. Looks like the Silent Majority has spoken. Okay, here's my
first leadership decision. I think we should all try some yoga
meditation exercises and then..." But before
Greatest-Most-Awesome-LNH-Villain-Ever Master Man could finish his first
leadership decision a dark energy blast from Mynabird's black metal hand
sent him screaming to the ground. "Oh god! The pain! The Pain!!
"Now. Anyone else wish to challenge my rule? Speak now!" An even
deafer silence filled the room. "I thought so. Now let us start --
strange. Does anyone else hear a ticking sound? I can feel it in my..."
The Legion of Net.Villain's Headquarters started to shake.
"Tarantula!" growled the Tarantulas.
"I don't know who you are." A frown overtook Hex Luthor's face while he
listened on the phone to the person who had called him. "I don't know
why you're telling me this. How did you get this number? Prank calling
this number is a felony. I don't know you or what you're talking about.
No. Please don't call here ever again. I am notifying the
authorities. Goodbye." Hex Luthor hung up the phone.
So, the ninja was free. That wasn't too surprising. It was something
that had to happen sooner or later. Hex Luthor smiled. Good thing he
implanted that Freedom Chip inside the ninja's head.
Everything was starting to fall into place. He just needed one more
thing. Hex walked over to a painting of Abraham Lincoln on the wall and
removed it. Behind the painting was a safe. Hex pressed his hand on
the hand print detector till a red light started to blink. "Open," he
said to the safe and the safe door opened. He reached inside the safe
and pulled out an object
The object looked very old and had a number of cracks on it. There was
a big piece that was missing from it. Hex Luthor gazed at the object
with delight in his eyes. He needed to find the missing piece and then
everything would fall into place. And with the fully restored Cosmic
Plot Device in his control not even God could stop him much less the LNH.
Hex Luthor placed the partial Cosmic Plot Device back into the safe and
locked it back up. As he reached for the painting, he felt a ticking
noise in his head. What the hell? Where was it coming from?
And that's when the Oval Office started to shake.
Bicycle Repair Lad screamed at the TV set that was showing Hex Luthor
being interviewed by the ladies of the View. "Change the channel!
Change it! I give in! I'll talk! God! Can't take...
Argghghghghhgh!!!!!" Bicycle Repair Lad couldn't change the channel
himself as he was strapped securely to a bed.
And as if someone heard Bicycle Repair Lad's screaming, the channel
changed to a picture of the Beige Clock Tower.
"Tick. Tick. Tick," laughed Bicycle Repair Lad as tears started to run
from his eyes. "Tick. Tick. Tick."
Bicycle Repair Lad's bed started to shake.
Irony Man looked at the huge 'Irony Man: The Movie' billboard. Someone
had painted the words, "The NTB Lives!" on it. Someone's idea of a sick
joke. At least he hoped it was. The last thing the LNH needed were
those satanic-druggy-anarchy freaks running around.
And then he noticed that the colors on the billboard were starting to
fade away. He could hear a ticking sound in his head. Where was the...?
And then everything started to shake. He could see various buildings
starting to crumble apart and people in the streets starting to panic.
He looked up into the sky. The color was wrong. It wasn't blue
anymore. It was Beige. It was too soon. It couldn't be happening
right now, could it?
Irony Man blasted the jets on his ankles and flew towards the Beige
Clock Tower. Out of the ground they were rising as the world that
surrounded them crumbled into dust. Two gigantic thrones. And sitting
on them two gigantic monsters.
The first monster had a body made out of human corpses. And its head
was made out of a cloud of flies and worms. Its eyes glowed red. One
of its hands held a blackened sword. Dekay.
The other monster was a pale white color. In the middle of its chest
was a gaping mouth, which had seven forked tongues each a different
color. It only had one eye on its head, and it was a very blood shot
eye. A number of spikes stabbed out of its head. Each spike had a
skull attached to it. One of its hands held a spiked club. Diskolor.
Irony Man watched as the gigantic thrones rose and rose. This was too
soon. The LNH wasn't ready for this -- not yet. Their eyes were shut.
Were they asleep? They were so big. They weren't this big the last
time, were they? He looked at the tower. The Beige Clock Tower's hands
were on Midnight.
Irony Man had to get out of this place. He had to be Toony Stork and
drown himself in a martini and some hot looking Hollywood starlet. He
couldn't watch this. He looked down at the innocent bystanders on the
ground. They were screaming for someone to help. Anyone. Irony Man
sighed and then took out his comm.thingee. "Multi-Tasking Man? Yeah.
Send medical teams and any superheroes good at rescue and removing
rubble. I'll be here."
Irony Man then landed himself and started to help the crowd.
Occultism Kid looked back and saw that the grayish trenchcoated man was
still alive and talking.
"Damn. You're still... How? He took out your heart."
"Magic. Won't be for long though." The grayish man started to cough.
"Cigarette. Left pocket."
Occultism Kid pulled out a cigarette and put it in the old man's mouth.
With a snap of his finger, a flame lit the cigarette.
"Thanks. There still may be a way. Stop them. The Book."
"Yeah, I've got the book."
"There's a spell. The Spell of Spells. Need Insanity Gems. Ring of
Retconn. Cosmic Plot Device to perform it."
"Is that all?" said Occultism Kid in a sarcastic voice.
"Be careful. The book destroys. Destroys everything. Destroys..."
Glenn Miller's 'Chattanooga Choo Choo' played from a radio by the
corner. On the floor was an unconscious man in a black trenchcoat with
a grape crown on his head and an empty bottle of wine near him.
"Bacchus just can't hold his liquor," laughed a woman in a flapper type
get up. A woman in her forties called Queen Bee's Knees. "And you --
Philly, Darling -- you just make everything grey -- don't you?"
Phil M Norrish looked at Queen Bee's Knees and then at the glass of wine
he was holding. The grey wine he was drinking. "Just my calling," he
said sipping the wine.
"Quiet, people," said a man in a golden trenchcoat. "There's breaking
news!" The rest of the people in the room who were still conscious
gathered by the radio. "Hell. Japan bombed Hawaii. Christ. I guess
America will be going to war after all."
"You really know how to take the cat out of its pajamas, Goldy darling."
Queen Bee's Knees made her way to the kitchen. "Now where did we put
A man in a top hat sighed. "When are we going to arise from being
bloody savages beating on our war drums?"
"Not in this life time, Top Hat, dear." Queen Bee's Knees came back
with a bottle and poured herself a glass of absinthe.
"That might not be totally true," Phil M Norrish broke in. "I've been
doing some research on this book. A book that has spells so powerful
that they could change everything. Spells that could end war, disease,
famine, and everything that has ever troubled mankind. And I received a
tip from a source last week about this book being in Africa."
"Sounds like a fairytale," said the Golden Trenchcoat shaking his head.
"Maybe. But Hitler is searching for this book too. Anyway, I'm heading
off for Africa tomorrow. See if I can get it before the Nazis do. In
fact I should probably be going. Got a lot of packing to do."
"Oh no -- Philly? You're not leaving right now? We've hardly seen each
other. I thought you were going to be around for the week. There was
this new Greek Restaurant I was dying to try out. Oh pooh." Queen
Bee's Knees held out her cigarette holder with an unlit cigarette. "A
Phil took out a grey match and helped light the cigarette. "Fraid so.
Sorry. Guess I should have mentioned earlier."
"Well, if you have to go -- you have to go. Be sure to get plenty of
shots. The jungle is filled with horrible nasty dreadful diseases, or
so I've heard." Queen Bee's Knees gave Phil a hug and a peck on the
cheek. "Hopefully the African Sun will put some color back in that
awful pale face of yours. Well, be sure to drop us a line when you get
back. Bonan Vojagon, darling -- and all that jazz."
"Yeah." Phil M Norrish put on his fedora. "See you in the funny papers
As Phil M Norrish stepped outside and shut the door, he paused and
listened to the party that had resumed. The music and the drinking. He
had to go. He had to find the book. He could save everything. Even
He pulled his trenchcoat's lapels close together and reached into one of
his pockets for a cigarette. He put the cigarette in his mouth and
And then he walked away.
"Sir? Are you..." Occultism Kid shook the body of the grey
trenchcoated man. He was dead. The ticking had stopped. Occultism Kid
took the old man's fedora and put it over his face.
Occultism Kid looked up. Parts of the castle were starting to fall. He
had to get out of here. Clutching the book in his hands, he cast a
spell teleporting him into the sky.
From the sky he could see the black castle collapse to the ground. The
red sand was littered with the corpses of Turtles of Apocalyptic
Proportions. All of them were dead. No wait. He could hear a sound.
A wailing. One of them was still alive. It was a baby. A baby Turtle
of Apocalyptic Proportions? Why didn't Bart kill it?
Occultism Kid looked at the baby. What was he going to do? Hell.
There was only one thing he could do. A spell he cast scooped up the
baby Turtle of Apocalyptic Proportions. At least he could save
something today, he thought grunting as he dragged the incredibly heavy
baby and Book of Deus ex Machinas towards the crack in the sky.
And as the three left the dimension, what remained completely disappeared.
Golden Man looked outside. The beige was gone. The sky was blue again.
The trees were green. The birds were red. Someone must have saved
the world. Great for them. Golden Man shut the curtains.
Golden Man walked over to his chair and clicked on his television.
<<...Witnesses described it as a huge burst of color that swept over the
whole city. The 4-Color Kid..."
No. It wasn't him.
"...was a member of the LNH and also a member of the old superhero group
from the 40s called the Classic Squad."
No! He's alive! Tell me he's alive! Tell me!
And for another two hours Golden Man watched the coverage. He saw
everything. He saw it all.
"...It was the bravest thing I ever saw..."
You stupid lazy -- God. Goddamn. Get out of that chair. Get out of
it. Do something! Do something!
Golden Man got out of his chair. He walked over and picked up a
crumpled card. He looked at the card. He walked over to his phone. He
picked the phone up. He stood for more than a minute looking at the
card. And then he dialed the number on it.
"Hello? Is this the LNH?"
And the ticking had stopped.
And the ticking had stopped.
And the ticking had stopped.
B E I G E
M I D N I G H T
Ideas for this series from Rob Rogers, Lalo Martins, Martin Phipps,
Saxon Brenton, and me...
And thanks to Dave for his sentence... :)
Occultism Kid II created by Josh Geurick
The August One (Occultism Kid I) -- August Paul Yang
Bacchus -- Looniverse version by Paul Hardy
Bad-Timing Boy - Vernon H Harmon
Bart the Dark Receptionist - Ken Schmidt
Bicycle Repair Lad -- Chris Ware
Brotherhood of Villains -- Drizzt and wReam
Cannon Fodder - wReam
Captain Backdate -- Hubert Bartels
Catalyst Lass - Elisabeth Riba
Classic Squad -- Drizzt
DC Comic Swiper Man - Jef Kolodziej
Dekay and Diskolor - Scavenger
Dr. Deadbeat -- Arthur Spitzer
Dvandom Stranger - Dave Van Domelen
Fearless Leader - Dave Van Domelen
4-Color Kid - Scavenger
Footnote Girl - Saxon Brenton
Fuzzy - Connie Hirsch
Golden Man -- Chris Hare
Golden Lord -- Drizzt
Hex Luthor - Chris Hare and Saxon Brenton
Irony Man - Doug Moran
Jellomancer -- Timonthy Toner
J. Random Kiwi - Jaelle
Kid Recap - Josh Geurink
Kirbybots - Jameel Al Khavitz
Kiwis - Ian Porell
Master Blaster - Robert Ramirez / Martin Phipps
Mr. Multitask - Drizzt
Mr. Nasty (tm) - Martin Phipps
Mr. Tiddles - Saxon Brenton
Multi-Tasking Man - Jeff Friedman
Oozlefinches - Ted "Arsenal " Brock
Pulls Paper Out of Hats Lad - Arthur Spitzer
Turtles of Apocalyptic Proportions - Tarq
Throbby the Talking Severed Heart - Arthur Spitzer
Ultimate Ninja - wReam
WikiBoy - Tom Russell
The Wireless Society of Heroes -- Dave Van Domelen (not that they
You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad - Arthur Spitzer
Well, that was an Orgy of Continuity Porn, wasn't it?
Will any besides Saxon Brenton understand anything here? Oh and if
you're a new reader this was probably the worst issue for new readers
you could have possibly read.
Anyway, the original plan was to have Beige Midnight finished by this
time and post the last issue today. But since I'm only human that
didn't happen. Maybe BM #12 will be ready for the 17th birthday of the
This issue was me cramming a bunch of stuff in that I didn't really deal
with in the rest of the series.
As for the skipped issues... well hopefully by reading 12,11,7,6,5,1,
and 0 you can understand what's going on.
Rob Rogers will be writing 10-8 and posting it sometime in the future
(I've seen 10 which looks cool). As for 4-2, They're up for grabs.
Take them if you want. As for me I'm done here and have tons of writing
to do for Beige Midnight which isn't going to have any skipped issues.
Thanks for the feedback and reviews from people like Tom, Saxon, Tarq,
Lalo, and Martin.
I believe this got a lot more positive reviews than the DC series did.
I had a lot more to say about this issue, but I'm really tired so I'm
just going to post it.
EXTRA BONUS -- Rejected Ending for Beige Countdown!
Dekay and Diskolor sat on their enormous thrones. And then...
....The Butterflies came!
Billions of colorful butterflies swarmed in the air.
Both Dekay and Diskolor tried to swat the butterflies away. But they
were too much. And Dekay and Diskolor screamed a horrible scream as the
butterflies devoured them.
Too much were the butterflies!
Hex Luthor got out of his chair.
"Damn, where did that earthquake come from?"
But before Hex could find out...
....The Butterflies came!
They swarmed the Oval Office as Hex Luthor screamed for mercy.
But the Butterflies showed no mercy.
No mercy did the butterflies show!
Mynabird and the Legion of Net.Villains looked up at the sky.
They began to run.
But the butterflies were faster.
"Tarantula!" screamed the Taratulas.
There was no hope.
Bart the Dark Receptionist was about to read today's paper when...
....The Butterflies came!
Not even the Ring of Retconn and Insanity Gauntlet could save him.
Nothing could save him from...
"Gosh Gollickers!" Billy the Butterfly Magic Kid said as his butterfly
friends fluttered around him. "That was neat how you killed and
absorbed all those bad guys powers! What? You're not finished!? More
people must die?! But who? The LNH?! All of them?! Gosh, I don't
know about that -- but heck -- if you say so! Let's kill them all!!"
And Billy the Butterfly Magic Kid started to cackle in an insane manner.
His costume started to change colors. No more were they the colors of
childhood innocence. No. They were now black -- Black like a really
evil person wearing black!
And his eyes and hands crackled with the color of Butterfly Magic!
It was time for the LNH to die.
"Damn!" said Irony Man. "I told you people this was going to happen!"
Meanwhile up in Heaven...
Dr. Cool J Dog reluctantly got out of God's gigantic super hot tub
filled with the hottest and finest naked supermodels and put on his
bathrobe. Dr. Cool J Dog sighed as he looked at Planet Earth. "Well,
Rockpettingboy, looks like me and you are going to have come back to
life so we can save the LNH's asses once again."
Rockpettingboy just looked at Dr. Cool J Dog as he held a beer in his
hand. Finally he said, "Heaven's out of beer." And then he drank
Heaven's last beer. He drank it till it was empty.
Arthur "Can you guess why it was rejected?" Spitzer
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