REPOST/LNH: Beige Countdown # 6 -- 'And the Next Leader of the LNH is...'
arspitzer at earthlink.net
Wed Jun 6 18:47:17 PDT 2012
[Note for Readers: Read Beige Countdown #7 before you read this.]
[Cover: Building Suspense Lad at the top of the cover opens an envelope.
His dialogue balloon says, "And the Next Leader of the LNH is...
umm... Whoops! Forgot to get my reading glasses!" Meanwhile on the
bottom part of the cover are Ultimate Ninja, Irony Man, Fearless Leader,
Catalyst Lass, Weirdness Magnet, Master Blaster, Wiki Boy, and J. Random
Kiwi shouting, "GET ON WITH IT!!!"]
[B E I G E]
[C O U N T # 6 D O W N !]
By Arthur Spitzer and Martin Phipps
"Power is Truth."
Toony Stork, aka Irony Man, had his bare hand in a flame that changed
colors every few seconds.
"Power is Knowledge," chanted Toony, his face grimacing in pain as the
flame turned blue.
"Power is Will." And the flame turned purple. The skin was starting to
burn off his hand.
"Power is Control! Power is Hunger!"
"Power is Ruthlessness!" The flame turned red. Toony watched the
muscles on his hands start to roast away. What was he doing? He had to
take his hand out. This was insane!
"Power is the Hexfire." His bones were starting to burn. He could see
something in the Flame. Images. It was Net.ropolis. He could see the
Beige Clock Tower. He couldn't see the top of it. It was too far up.
Reaching to forever. And he looked at the streets. People were running
and screaming. Cars were blowing up. Buildings were falling down. And
the streets were cracking. And he could see two gigantic monsters
smashing their way towards him. Dekay and Diskolor. He could see
several members of the LNH trying to stop them. And he watched as each
one of them died. Sing-Along Lass. Kid Recap. Captain Continuity.
The Ultimate Ninja. Turning to dust. And he saw Fourth Wall Lass. And
she was looking at him. No. She couldn't see him, could she? And yet
she was looking straight at with an accusing look. And then she turned
to dust too. And the vision ended.
"I am the Hexfire! I am Power!" Toony's hand had become the flame.
"I think you can take your hand out now, Toony." Hex Luthor patted
Toony on his shoulder. Toony pulled his hand out. It was totally fine.
No sign of burns or anything.
"I dub you 'Sir Toony Stork, Beige Knight of the Hexfire Club'. And all
that nonsense and so on. Cheers!" Hex Luthor poured some Cognac into a
brandy snifter and handed it to him. "Quite the experience, huh? I'm
actually amazed that you managed to hold it in there for as long as you
did. Most people wimp out when they feel the flesh start to burn. But
I guess most people aren't members of the LNH."
"I felt like I was dying. And then being reborn," Toony said taking a
swig from the glass while still gazing at the flame. "Why does it feel
"I'm not sure. Haven't ever really studied it. I use it mostly for
this ritual. It was my great grandfather who found it. My family used
it for visions. Did you see any visions, Toony? Perhaps of the future?"
"Visions?" Toony looked back at Hex for a brief second and then back to
the flame. "No. I saw nothing. Nothing at all."
Hex Luthor frowned as he looked at Toony Stork still gazing into the flame.
And the flame turned Beige.
'And the Next Leader of the LNH is...'
A month before the election.
<And we have new video footage showing J. Random Kiwi at a Net.ropolis
Ninjas baseball game, sitting between two very sexy Oozlefinches while
wearing a Got.ham Oozlefinches T-shirt and cap booing the hometown team!
A spokesmen for the J. Random Kiwi campaign claims that Mr. Kiwi was
totally under mind-control and that he hates Oozlefinches as much as the
next kiwi, but even if that can be proven it doesn't look good for his
chances of being the Next Leader of the LNH. Back to you Greg.>
"Eight wannabe leaders. And one put on the wrong cap." Hex Luthor
clicked his remote to another channel.
<Larry King: And you've been doing this LNH thing for -- what -- 15 years?
Catalyst Lass: 15 years? Oh, Larry! You're making feel old! I mean
-- I'm only, like, you know 25! Really! How could I possibly have been
in the LNH for 15 years?
Larry King: Well, that's what my notes say, but -- never mind that.
What's this LNH thing anyways? Is it some kind of rock group? A TV
show? A toothpaste? What is it?
Catalyst Lass: Oh, it's actually a superhero team and a comic!
Larry King: A comic, huh? What's that like? Should I be buying this
Catalyst Lass: Well, to be honest -- I've never really read it. It all
seems a little bit too silly. I prefer the more sophisticated humor of
"Jesus! I can't believe Cat would say that on live TV! Superguy?!
Superguy?! She's not going recover from that!" Irony Man said watching
the TV show with Hex Luthor. "Why would she say that? She has to know
that would kill her chances at becoming leader. Why?"
"Perhaps, you could ask her yourself, Toony."
"Huh? What do you mean..." And before Irony Man could get an answer to
that a woman who looked exactly like Catalyst Lass stepped into the room.
"Catalyst Lass? What are you -- oh wait. This is like some kind of
clone, right, Hex?"
"No. It's the real Catalyst Lass. And she's totally under our control,
thanks to our Beige Rook." A white fluffy cat walked into room. "Mr.
Tiddles has been carving away at all of her mental defenses for over a
year. And now she's ours. Body and Soul."
"Mr. Tiddles? He's the Beige Rook? Look, Hex! I need to talk to you
"Very well. Let's step outside." The two men walked out into the
hallway and Irony Man closed the door.
"Look, Hex. I know Catalyst Lass. She's not the ditz she sometimes
acts like in public! She's very intelligent and one of the more devious
members of the LNH! I think she's playing you."
"No, Toony. You're wrong. Because it's not just, Mr. Tiddles who's
controlling her, it's this." Hex fumbling through one of his suits
pockets and pulled out a white pill. "I call this the freedom chip."
Hex laughed. "Hopefully, the name amuses you. We've installed a chip
into her head. It does two things. First thing: if you don't have
powers already it gives them to you. And if you do have powers then it
enhances those powers by the thousands. And the second thing: it gives
me, you, and every other member of the Hexfire inner circle absolute
power over that person. Perhaps, I need to demonstrate that power for
you to better understand." The two men walked back into the room.
"Catalyst Lass. Stand on your head."
Catalyst Lass quickly put her hands onto the floor and then used them
and her head to balance her body upright.
"Stop that!" Irony Man shouted. "That's enough! This is degrading!"
"Catalyst Lass. Stand on your feet again. See? Total control.
Anything you want, she'll do. Anything."
"I don't want the other members of inner circle to have any control over
"Of course, Toony. I understand. She'll be yours and yours alone. I
think once you win the election she'll make a very good second command
for you. With her powers you can have full control over all of the LNH."
"Catalyst Lass? Go back to the LNHHQ. I need to talk to, Hex alone."
"Sure thing, Toony! Bye!" And Mr. Tiddles followed her as she left the
"This is wrong. You should have told me about this."
"Oh please." Hex rolled his eyes. "Everything I do is necessary. Do
you want to be the next LNH leader? Do you want to save the world from
Dekay and Diskolor? Do you? You know this is necessary! You talked to
Charlie Hustle! You talked to your future self! You know what they
said! About the future! Only I can save it! And the 'Freedom' Chip is
the most necessary part! Without it, well, bye bye future. Hello
Irony Man looked at the TV screen and at the Larry King/Catalyst Lass
interview. "Yes. I know what they said."
"Then you know we'll need tons of superheroes. Billions of superheroes!"
"Billions of superheroes who are all going to die."
"Well, yes. But you're looking at this from a glass half empty
perspective. Billions will also be saved. And with the 'Freedom' Chip
we'll have a well ordered reconstruction. We'll be able to shape the
world into our own image. And make a better world."
"A better world for us. And they all have to die?"
"Unfortunately, yes. But if it's Billions vs the End of Everything,
I'll take Billions. And it's not like we'll be murdering all of those
people. The blood will be on Dekay and Diskolor's hands. Look, I know
-- it's horrible. But -- that's life. We're slaves of destiny, Toony.
We have to accept our role in life. We have to grin and bear it.
Look, Toony -- a month from now you're going to be leader of the LNH. A
year from now you'll have saved the Looniverse and paved the way for a
brave new world."
"I suppose so. Leader of the LNH. One more month."
"Right. One more month. Just don't do anything stupid before then."
"Me? Do something stupid? Don't worry. Well, need to get going. Have
this hot date tonight."
"Well, good luck with that. And remember, Don't do anything stupid!"
Irony Man nodded his head and gave a laugh as he left the room.
Later that night.
"So is it true," Summer James asked. "Are you really the leader of
Toony Stark (aka Irony Man) smiled. "Well, _technically_ it's a
triumvirate of three leaders who are in charge but I'm the only one
who is directly sanctioned by President Hex Luthor himself."
"Do you want some more champagne?"
Summer shook her head. "No, thank you. I've had enough. You
should lay off of it too. You have to drive me home."
Irony Man smiled. "Nonsense. You only live a few blocks away.
What's going to happen?"
"Whoa!" Toony said. "Where the @#$% did that truck come from? I'd
say the car's pretty much totalled, huh? Wouldn't you say so,
Summer didn't answer. She was too busy bleeding.
"Can you save her?" Toony asked the doctors at the surgery.
"Please save her!" Toony said. "Please! My insurance rates will
triple if she dies!"
"I don't know if there's any more we can do," the doctors admitted.
"Look," Toony said, "give her a transfusion of my blood!"
"We have enough blood already."
"Just do it!"
"Wake up, sleepyhead."
"You've been through an accident."
"Don't try to sit up. You are weak from having lost a lot of blood
and the doctors have you on painkillers to boot."
"There was an accident. A truck came out of nowhere and, um, must
have backed into me."
"That's not quite right."
"You remember then?"
"No. I can just tell that what you are saying is not quite right.
"You're going to be fine. You're going to be exactly the way you
"You did something to me, didn't you?"
"You mean besides almost killing you when I rammed into a truck?"
"I called 911 and the ambulance brought you here and then the
doctors operated on you. It was touch and go for a while."
"What did _you_ do to me?"
"I gave you a transfusion of my blood."
"Okay. That sounds okay."
"It was the only way to save you."
"Wait. There's that feeling again."
Toony nodded. "It seems that when my blood repaired your damaged
body it also granted you my power to detect irony!"
"Yes! You are now... THE IRONIC WOMAN!"
"Great," Summer said. "We're through."
"I said 'We're through'. I didn't ask you to give me powers."
"Excuse me but who do you think paid for the surgery?"
"I saved you with a transfusion of my own blood!"
"Fine. Have them siphon it out of me. Can they do that?"
"I don't think so."
"Then stop complaining. Man, I hate this power. I can sense every
time you're not straight with me. I never realized how full of @#$%
"You mean you liked it better when you were a naive little airhead?"
"Yeah. Ironic, isn't it?"
A week before the election.
"Nice of you to join us, Fearless Leader. Of course we probably could
have used your help last night with the Vector Prime-Melissa virus
army." Irony Man leaned back in the leader of the LNH's chair and had
his feet on the desk. Catalyst Lass stood next to him. "Although, we
managed without you -- so I guess we didn't need your help."
"I'm sorry, Irony Man. I was dealing with something -- I was dealing
with -- Ripping Dancer."
"Really? You found her? So you brought her back in custody?"
"No. But she's in safe place. She gave me info on the person who she
believes gave her her powers. Someone by the name of the Beige Bishop."
"So she's not in custody. She's out there free some where? Is that
what you're saying?"
"Look. She's confused. She's been through a lot..."
"She's a traitor, Fearless Leader. You should have brought her back so
we could probe her mind and learn the truth."
"Toony's right, Felix. Ripping Dancer should be here. We can help
her," Catalyst Lass said in a sympathetic voice.
"When did you become Irony Man's yes-woman, Catalyst Lass?"
"Now you're getting a little out of line, Fearless Leader," Irony Man
said standing up. "Thing is if Ultimate Ninja were here, he'd be making
the same decision too. You're not thinking straight. She's put a spell
on you. You know, we found some mind-control potions in her room -- who
knows -- perhaps you might be under some kind of mind-control? Maybe we
need to put some tests on you?"
"There's nothing wrong with me. Don't you see what's happening?
Someone's manipulating us -- and the election! It's not just who hired
Ripping Dancer, but also who leaked the tapes! In case you haven't
noticed all of the major contenders for the LNH leadership job have been
hit with scandals in the past month! Except you. Who's doing it?
Perhaps Bart? Maybe Mynabird? Hmm. How about Hex Luthor?"
"You seem bitter, Fearless Leader. Well, you're going to have to get
used to it. Because by next weeks time I'm going to be the next leader
of the LNH."
"If that's so, then by next week I'll have resigned from the LNH. Good
day, Catalyst Lass. Irony Man." Fearless Leader slammed the door on
his way out.
"Temper. Temper," said Irony Man with a smirk on his face.
Three days before the election.
"What is this?" Hex Luthor said pointing at the TV screen. There was a
picture of some new superhero called the Ironic Woman holding a press
"Umm, her? Oh, that's that hot date I was talking about."
"Do you realize what she's telling the press? How you nearly killed her
in a drunk driving accident -- and that you injected her with your blood
-- and then paid her off to keep silent!? And now she's telling every
goddamn person in the world!!"
Irony Man shrugged. "Guess I didn't pay her enough."
"This isn't funny!! You should have told me about this! I could have
kept this from coming out! I could have kept her silent!"
"Yeah, I know. That's probably why I didn't tell you."
"And now the polls have you tied with the Ultimate Ninja -- with
Fearless Leader! You were leading just a few days ago!"
"Well, I'm still tied for the lead."
"Get out of here!"
"Hex? It's just a poll."
"Look. I need time to think, Toony. Maybe there's still some kind of
damage control we can do. But I need time alone."
"Yeah, okay. See you." Irony Man walked out leaving Hex Luthor staring
at the TV screen.
Fearless Leader packed various items into a large suitcase. Clothes,
weapons, and toiletries. Fearless Leader glanced at one of the items.
It was picture. A picture of him and Ripping Dancer. It was taken a
month ago. When they were fighting some vampire cows. Fearless Leader
sighed and put it into the suitcase. It was about that time that he
heard a knock on his door.
Fearless Leader went over to see who it was, but when he opened the door
up all he saw was a black briefcase on the floor. Fearless Leader
grabbed it and looked both ways into the hallway, but he couldn't see
anyone. He walked back into his room and shut the door. He placed it
on his bed and grabbed his scanner.thingee. The scanner didn't seem to
pick up anything dangerous so he opened it up.
Potions. These were Ripping Dancer's. The potions that gave her her
powers. There was a note. Fearless Leader read it.
Things aren't as they appear.
Good luck with everything.
Fearless Leader smiled to himself and shut the briefcase. "Thanks, Cat."
"I'm here for the election!"
Fred the Receptionist looked up at the gentleman who was speaking to
him. The gentleman in question had a number of dynamite sticks around
his waist, a number of hand grenades around his neck, and a gigantic gun
in his hand. "Name?"
"I am the Destroyer! I am the LNH's Death! You shall know my name by
the sorrow I woe! I am the end of all LNH elections! That is my name!!!"
"Right. So you're here to stop the LNH election, I take it?"
"Okay. You'll want to get into that line over there." Fred pointed to
a line filled with angry looking monsters, robots, terrorists, Nazis,
guys with chainsaws, pirates, Vikings, zombies, vampires, demons, and
some really unpleasant people. A line that seemed to go on forever.
"That line?" the Destroyer said wondering if the receptionist was
"Yep. That line."
"There's not a shorter line, is there?"
"Nope. That's the only line."
"Man, that's a long line."
"I mean, man, that's one big ass line. I don't think I've ever seen a
line that long."
"So the only way I can stop this LNH election is to stand in that line?"
The Destroyer looked at his watch. "*Sigh* Maybe I'll wait till the
next time the LNH has an election. I mean while I want to destroy the
LNH, man, I don't want to destroy it that bad, you know what I mean, man?"
"Yeah, I think so."
"Well, I guess I need to be going."
"So you going vote, SAL?" Procrastination Boy asked his long time
friend as the two kicked back in the LNH TV room.
"Feh," Super Apathy Lad replied.
"Yeah, I'm going wait till the last second too."
"I'm sorry, but you have to be a member of the LNH to vote," Coward Lad
said trying to shoo a couple of kiwis from the table he was manning.
"What was that? Some kind of threat? Wait! What are you doing? What
did you just pull out? Is that a gun? That's a gun!!! A kiwi with a
gun!!! The kiwi has a gun!! We're all going to die!! We're all going
to die!! Aahahahahahh!!!!!!!!" Coward Lad waved his hands in a
"What?!! It's not a gun? It's just a -- whistle? Just a whistle!
*Phew* that's load off of my -- Wait a sec! A kiwi with a whistle?! A
kiwi with a Whistle!!!!? Oh my god!! Oh my god!!! We're all going to
die!!! AAAAeaeaeheahahehaheahh!!!!!!!!!!!!" Coward Lad quickly ran to
the nearest fallout shelter.
"Hmm -- can't seem to punch through this hole to vote for Pat Buchanan!
Or am I voting for Al Gore?! These dang fangled elections!" Old
Comics Man put his punch thingee down so he could catch his breath.
"Miss the good old days, back when the only choice you had for leader
was the cave man with the biggest club! And everyone did what he said
-- and if they didn't they'd get smacked with that club! Yep, those
were the days! We should go back to that system of government!"
"Oh, Jesus! What is that thing?! It looks like some kind of heart!
And it's crawling towards me! Spraying blood all over my nice clean
floor! I've got to stop it -- I've got to..." Captain Clean-up grabbed
his mop and got ready to beat the living hell out of that thing, but
before he could do that Cheesecake Eater Lad grabbed his mop.
"Wait, Cap! That's Throbby! Throbby the Talking Severed Heart! We
worked together on one of the LNH: The Webcomic! Strips! He's a member
of the LNH!"
"Yup, Captain Clean-up! The Ultimate Ninja freed me out of the chest of
a bad guy! And now I'm here to have fun adventures, chew gum, and vote
in today's election! And I'm all out of gum!"
Captain Clean-up gave Cheesecake Eater Lat a 'are you @#*&#@ serious'
look. "Umm, okay? But I didn't think that strip was in continuity? Is
this -- thing -- a member in our continuity?"
"Hmm. That's a good point. Lets ask Captain Continuity! Hey, CC, come
over here! We've got a problem!"
After the two heroes explained their problem to Captain Continuity, the
Continuity Knight stroked his chin. "Hmm. That is a question for the
Ages. Does the continuity of the webcomic effect our own continuity and
if so can Throbby vote in this election? Let me think about it. Okay.
I've thought about. Nope." And then Captain Continuity walked away
-- for his work here was done.
"Sorry, Throbby! Maybe you'll be able to vote in the next election!"
"Gosh! I sure hope so!"
And Building Suspense Lad crackled both of his knuckles. Pulls Paper
out of Hats Lad handed him the envelope. All of the votes had been cast
and checked and counted. And the results of the election were in that
envelope. And now the entire LNH was waiting for Building Suspense Lad
to announce these results. And Building Suspense Lad held the envelope
in his hand preparing himself to open the envelope. But then he paused.
And he started to think. To think about the envelope. What if while
opening the envelope he received a paper cut? Paper cuts hurt. They
hurt really bad. And what if there was nothing in that envelope?
Nothing at all. Well, he'd feel kind of stupid for getting a paper cut
from an empty envelope!
But Wait! What if there was something in that envelope? Something bad!
Something so bad that it could destroy the entire LNH! Maybe he
shouldn't open this envelope. Maybe he should just throw it down on the
floor and hightail it out of there. Hop a plane to South America and
run and keep on running!
But what if there was something else in the envelope. Perhaps the
secret to the Universe. The Answer to Everything! And he'd be the hero
because he opened up the envelope! Maybe.
And then again, maybe this was all just a dream. There was no envelope!
Maybe he was a sleep in his bed! And maybe -- just maybe -- he was
actually the envelope itself dreaming about being Building Suspense Lad
opening itself! Maybe.
Building Suspense Lad started to drift off into a flashback. He was
thinking about how he had first developed his building suspense powers.
There had been a spooky house that his parents had told him never to
go in. And he was by the door of that house, his hand close to the
knob. So close that he could almost feel the knob. And he could feel
something behind that door. Something growling and scratching away at
it. Like some beast from the depths of hell. And he wondered if he
should open that door or just run and run and run. And that's when his
ten year old flashback self had his own flashback and...
"Oh for God's Sake!! Give me that Damn envelope!!" Fuzzy said as she
snatched away the envelope from Building Suspense Lad's hands. "Goddamn
newbies! Okay," she said tearing the envelope open and taking the paper
out of it. "And the next Leader of the LNH is... the Ultimate Ninja.
Big whoop. You can all go home now!" Fuzzy tossed the envelope and
paper on the ground.
The various members of the LNH who had voted for the Ultimate Ninja
started cheering. Confetti and Balloons started to fall down from the
ceiling. The members who didn't vote for the winner sulked over to the
drink-bar in the corner to drown their sorrows.
"Wow! Did we just vote a person who is in jail accused of murder for
our leader?" Sarcastic Lad said. "I guess this is one of the LNH's
"I wuz robbed, man!" Master Blaster said shaking his fist. "I wuz so
robbed, it isn't funny! Well, I guess you can all go and screw
yourselves! You won't have me to kick around no more!!"
"I voted for you Master Blaster," piped up WikiBoy.
"Whatever." Master Blaster made his way over to the bar.
"Well, the results are in," Irony Man said into a cell phone. "Looks
like the ninja won."
<I know. They're televising the results,> spoke Hex Luthor's voice.
"Should I ask for a recount?"
<No. That ship has already sailed. It's time to go to plane W.>
"Plan W? You sure?"
<No. But it's not like we have a choice anymore.>
<It will arrive there in about 10 minutes.>
10 minutes later...
The LNHHQ's glass ceiling shattered as a familiar black clad man crashed
through it and somersaulted to the floor below. A man called -- The
Ultimate Ninja! As he landed on the floor, his arms flew up in a
dramatic pose with one hand holding a ninja bush and the other a Ginsu
Captain Cleanup grumbled to himself, "Man, I hate that glass ceiling!"
as he made his way towards the broom closet so he could sweep up this mess.
Cannon Fodder walked over to greet the newly crowned leader of the LNH.
"Wow! Umm... Oh yeah, congratz on winning again! Umm... but
shouldn't you be in jail, UN?"
Like a bullet out of a gun the ninja's hand shot right into Cannon
Fodder's chest and pulled out his still beating heart. "Sorry. I'm not
him. Not the Ultimate Ninja that you've grown to love. No. I'm his
Cannon Fodder fell to the ground. The evil clone continued to talk even
as all of the members of the LNH started put down their drinks and get
ready to battle this guy. "Yes. I'm his evil clone. I was the one who
killed wReamicus Maximus! Yes, me! And I framed your beloved leader
and now he's rotting away in a jail cell and he can't help you. No. No
he can't. And now? Now I'm going to kill every single one of you.
Yes. And I'm going to pull out every single one of your hearts and I'm
going to stack it into a pyramid and when I'm finished with that
pyramid, do you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to laugh. And
it's going to be an evil laugh. Yes. Just so you know. So who wants
to die first?"
"Wow. That's a clever plan. Are you sure you aren't actually Albert
Einstein's clone?" said Sarcastic Lad as he gave a slight yawn.
The evil Ultimate Ninja clone stumbled slightly from Sarcastic Lad's
barb, but quickly came back throwing a ninja bush at Acrimonious
Sarcastic Lad easily dodged the bush and gave the evil clone a golf
clap. "Die? Man, I'm going have to hire you to write my snappy
comebacks for me because obviously you're so good at that. By the way,
how do you spell that -- with and 'I' or a 'Y'?"
The evil clone screamed with rage and started throwing ninja bushes in
all directions. Multi-Tasking Man punched in a code on one of his wrist
computers, while he sipped a Mr. Paprika, adjusted his mask, scrawled an
idea he had for a new computer program on a napkin, and played Net.Trek.
Out of nowhere 20 Kirbybots teleported around the clone and started to
attack him. Ten seconds later all of those Kirbybots became lifeless
bits of shredded metal on the LNHHQ's floor and the evil clone stood on
them triumphantly without a scratch with the Ginsu Katana in his left
hand spinning around like a saw blade.
"Oh oh. This guy can actually fight!" Sister State the Obvious said as
she caught a handgun her husband Master Blaster threw to her and started
blasting away at him. The rest of the LNH'rs followed suit.
Fuzzy used her ambiguity powers to cloud the clones mind making him
unable to distinguish the differences between his own body and the rest
of the Looniverse.
Captain Napalm and Master Blaster set their guns on 'Cremate Beyond the
Scope of Reason' and fired away.
Cheesecake Eater threw a handcuff cheesecake at the clone.
Throbby the Talking Severed Heart squirted blood into the clone's eyes.
Easily Discovered Man Lite dusted off some of his better Evil Ultimate
Ninja clone material. "Okay, folks -- How can you tell if the Evil
Ultimate Ninja Clone you're dating just isn't that in to you? <garbled
noise> <garbled noise> <garbled noise> <garbled noise> <garbled
noise>...Umm... I think I'm having a problem with my microphone... Okay,
I seem to be back in business... Now who's ready for some Evil Ultimate
Ninja Clone Rabbi jokes?! Come on, People! Work with me!"
Nudist Man jiggled his naked body like he had never jiggled it before.
Bad Timing Boy threw a brick at the clone, which unfortunately smacked
into WikiBoy's head who had been rushing towards the evil clone at the
same exact time. WikiBoy fell to the ground unconscious. Bad Timing
Boy gave a sheepish look as he slinked away into the background.
Organic Lass twisted the molecules of the ninja bushes turning them into
Captain Continuity blasted his Continuity Vision at the clone.
Occultism Kid summoned beasts from the nether realms beneath the clone's
Yet despite all of theses attacks, it was to no avail. The Evil
Ultimate Ninja Clone stood just as strong as ever and the speed of which
he threw ninja bushes and katanas seemed to increase even more so.
And that's when You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad entered the room.
"Oh man! Why didn't you people wake me up? I want me some of this!
Oh, Yeah! Some of this Evil Ultimate Ninja Clone Action! Let's see
what you got! Don't hold out on me! I want it all!" And he hurled
himself at the evil clone and the two fighters crashed to the ground.
The clone quickly began a ruthless barrage of kicks, punches, and karate
chops. And YNHMHE Lad just smiled as each hit sunk into him. "Oh Yeah!
Right There! Yeah, Right There! That's the Way you do it! Oh Yeah!!
Damn Straight! Man, you're pretty good at this! Could you hit me a
little more around the neck?"
The clone started to become frustrated as punches that could have killed
dinosaurs and gods seemed to have absolutely no effect on this hero. On
the other hand none of YNHMHE Lad's punches were able to land on the
clone -- he was just too fast. The two seemed to be in a stalemate.
"YNHMHE Lad! Lead him towards the receptionist desk! I've got a plan!"
Irony Man shouted.
YNHMHE Lad gave a nod. "Hey, now Clone Boy -- what happened to your
swing?! You seem to be getting weaker! Not into it anymore? I swear!
I've had babies hit me harder! Are you getting tired? Baby need a
nappy wappy? Hmm?" The ninja clone became furious hitting away in a
blind rage. Killing this idiotic freak who couldn't be hurt was his
only goal. Everything else was meaningless. And so he followed YNHMHE
Lad right into the receptionist desk area.
Irony Man glanced up at the ceiling area right above the receptionist
desk. Hanging on the ceiling was an abstract art sculpture by Yohsvozz
Hinlefunk. It was a hundred ton beast made out of jagged steel and
bellybutton lint, entitled 'Protect the Clones!' Irony Man blasted the
whole sculpture causing it to be supercharged with loads of Irony. The
chain holding up the sculpture unable to take in all of the extra Irony
snapped and the entire sculpture crashed down on the evil clone and
Captain Continuity rushed over and lifted the sculpture up. YNHMHE Lad
picked himself up and gave a frown. "Aw, man. The sculpture didn't
even touch me. What a rip!" The same couldn't be said for the clone
though. One of the steel spikes stabbed right through the clone's
heart. Still alive the clone opened his eyes up and spoke, "If only you
knew... heh." And then he died.
Fearless Leader stood on top of an empty building. It had previously
been the place where Ripping Dancer had picked up her potions, but now
it was completely stripped of every item. According to his scanner
there weren't even any fingerprints or DNA traces. Everything was gone.
Fearless Leader looked at the Net.ropolis Skyline. He could see the
Beige Clock Tower from here. Still growing.
"Quite the view, eh -- Fearless Leader?" Fearless Leader turned his
head to see who was speaking although he was pretty sure he knew who it was.
Bart the Dark Receptionist laughed. The Insanity Gems on his Gauntlet
sparkled with mad energy. "So, how does it feel to lose again?"
Fearless Leader didn't answer. He turned his head away and looked back
at the Skyline.
"To think -- If you had voted for yourself instead of the ninja -- you'd
be leader right now. But then if you had you'd be a deal breaker. When
you voted today, did a part of you want to break that deal?"
"I don't break deals."
"Yes. Too bad. And now I'd guess you're wondering if it was all worth
it. Trading your chance to be leader for the chance to stop Ripping
Dancer from killing herself. And of course you're wondering why I
wanted the Ultimate Ninja as leader and not you. And you're wondering
if you've done something very horrible. Maybe with the Ultimate Ninja
in charge something goes horribly wrong and Dekay and Diskolor will win.
And it wouldn't if you were in charge. Are you wondering about that?
I think you are."
"The Ultimate Ninja has lead the LNH for forever. He's steered the LNH
out of tons of crisis. He'll lead them out of this one."
"You think? Too bad you can't see the future, isn't it? Then you could
find out what happens. Of course in my case, I already know what's
going to happen. And it's not going to be pretty for you, Ripping
Dancer, Ultimate Ninja, the LNH. No. It's not. I think if you could
see the future -- I think maybe you'd have let Ripping Dancer kill
herself. Yes. But I guess you're going to have to wait to see what a
horrible mistake you made -- like everyone else."
"Am I? Well, we'll see." Bart's image started to dissolve. "We'll
Fearless Leader headed towards the stairs. He had work to do.
The jail bars creaked up. Light entered the darkness. Behind the bars
were the Ultimate Ninja and a couple of police guards.
On the other side were Cheesecake Eater Lad and a couple of more guards.
"Hey, UN! Good to see you. Made you a cheesecake! It's your
favorite!" Cheesecake Eater Lad handed the ninja a box.
"Thanks, Cheesecake Eater Lad." The ninja opened the box up and used
his finger to scoop some of the desert up. "Oww! This has razorblades
in it!" the ninja said sucking on his finger.
"Well, yeah! I thought Green Tea-Razor Blade Cheesecake was your
favorite? Are you feeling okay?"
"Oh, right. Yes. That is my favorite -- I guess I've just been in jail
a little too long and these things start to slip my mind. But that's
all over with now. I'm free. Thanks to Hex Luthor's pardon."
"Yeah, although I'm kind of surprised that he'd give you a pardon.
Doesn't seem like him."
"Well, he didn't have much of a choice, did he? With that evil Ultimate
Ninja clone admitting to his guilt -- well, I was going to get off
anyway. Besides I think he knows that right now the world needs an LNH
and it needs an Ultimate Ninja leading it. He knows that bad times are
"How would he know that?"
"We've had talks."
"You've had talks with Hex Luthor? Why?"
"Because he's President of the USA, and we're going to need his help to
deal with the Dekay and Diskolor threat. And I really think you should
stop questioning my judgement." The Ultimate Ninja gave a harsh look at
Cheesecake Eater Lad.
"Err, okay. Umm -- So how was prison?"
"It was difficult -- but an interesting experience." The Ultimate
Ninja's tone seemed to lighten up. "It gave me a lot of time to think
about my life. About my purpose. You know, it's strange how this whole
thing began with the death of wReamicus Maximus. Ah, wReamicus Maximus.
To think -- such a powerful and evil foe -- one of the LNH's greatest
adversaries -- an almost mythic figure slain by a nobody clone. It
doesn't seem right, does it?"
"wReamicus Maximus? Are we talking about the same guy? I don't think
I'd call him one of the LNH's greatest foes. I'm not even sure I'd put
him in the top ten. I mean you've got Tsar Chasm, Acton Lord, the Time
"Yes -- yes -- yes," the Ultimate Ninja said with a tinge of irritation.
"Well, who can really say who's great and who isn't? Can we mortals
judge such a thing? Besides we shouldn't speak ill of the dead. And
that's what wReamicus Maximus is. Dead. We don't have to worry about
him any more. No. We don't."
"Guess so. Oh, btw, I reserved the Peril Room for you this week. I
figured you'd want to work out a lot of revenge feelings you've been
probably building up inside while in jail."
"Thanks, but actually I'm not that bad. I think my time in jail changed
me. I feel a bit more in touch with the Looniverse. More spiritual.
Yes. Not full of anger anymore. I feel awake to the deeper experiences
"Umm, okay? But you can still kill the bad guys, right?"
The Ultimate Ninja laughed. "Oh, don't worry about that, Cheesecake
Eater Lad. If people need to die, I'll have no problem doing that. No
problem at all." A darkness glowed from the Ultimate Ninja's eyes.
"Well. Let's go back home. To the LNH. I've got a whole lot of ideas
in my head. Ideas for a better LNH and a better world. I have a
feeling that a new era is coming. A new era for the LNH. And I want to
make my mark on it."
Somewhere in a place without windows.
"I can't believe the money I'm getting for this job. $5000 an hour?
Jesus. My last job I was making 8 bucks at Pizza Pitt. Serious! Who
the hell are we guarding? Who's worth all of this?" said a man wearing
a black bulletproof vest and helmet over his head.
Another man dressed exactly the same and smoking a cigarette responded.
"You want to know? You really want to know? Okay. I'll show you.
But you can't ever tell anyone about it. Promise?"
"Oh, yeah. Sure. I promise. So who is it?"
"Come with me." The two guards walked along a badly lit corridor past a
number of other guards until they got to a room. The smoking guard
punched some numbers into the huge metal door and then stepped back.
Both men stepped into the room. It was a room filled with men with
guns. And a lot of those guns were aimed at a sleeping man in a glass cell.
"Jesus. Is that -- is that who I think it is?"
"And what's that weird thing on him? That green blob with red tentacles?"
"That's the thing that keeps him asleep. I think it's something from
outer space. Some kind of parasite that when it attaches itself to you
it puts you into this dream like state -- and the dreams? They're
supposed to be the best dreams. Your perfect dream life. Paradise.
The dream you'll never want to wake up from because it's so damn good.
You'd rather die than wake up from this dream."
"And what if he wakes up?"
"Then the party ends. He'll kill everyone of us. And no more nice
"But he's going to wake up? Isn't he? I mean -- he's the -- you know.
I mean shouldn't we kill him? Just kill him? If you want to stop him?"
The smoking guard laughed. "Are you nuts? Kill him? You know what
would happen if you put a gun on his head and pulled the trigger? He'd
probably wake up and catch the bullet in his mouth and then pull out
every single organ in your body. And hey -- maybe you'd be lucky -- and
you would kill him -- And then you know what happens? He crawls out
from the bowels of Hell and goes looking for you. And when he catches
you -- well, I wouldn't want to be you. No. The best that we can hope
for is that he doesn't wake up."
"But -- but he's going to wake up. It's only a matter of time, isn't it?"
"Yep. You're probably right. He is the goddamn Ultimate Ninja. Not
even paradise can probably stop him. I guess we'll just to have to hope
that we're not the ones on duty when he does pop his cage."
"Yeah. I guess so."
The two guards left the room leaving the rest of the guards pointing
their guns at a sleeping Ultimate Ninja. A sleeping Ultimate Ninja that
looked totally serene.
And happy. Very happy.
NEXT WEEK: Beige Countdown #5 -- 'The Bicycle in the River'
Bad-Timing Boy - Vernon H Harmon
Bart and Fred the Receptionists - Ken Schmidt
Cannon Fodder - wReam
Captain Cleanup - Maurice Beyke
Captain Continuity - Mystic Mongoose
Captain Napalm - ?
Catalyst Lass - Elisabeth Riba
Coward Lad - Cory Smith / Tom Russell
Dekay and Diskolor - Scavenger
Easily Discovered Man Lite - Rob Rogers
Fearless Leader - Dave Van Domelen
Fourth Wall Lass - Saxon Brenton
Fuzzy - Connie Hirsch
Hex Luthor - Chris Hare and Saxon Brenton
Ironic Woman - Martin Phipps
Irony Man - Doug Moran
J. Random Kiwi - Jaelle
Kid Recap - Josh Geurink
Kirbybots - Jameel Al Khavitz
Kiwis - Ian Porell
Master Blaster - Robert Ramirez / Martin Phipps
Mr. Tiddles - Saxon Brenton
Multi-Tasking Man - Jeff Friedman
Nudist Man - Tom Russell
Occultism Kid II - Josh Geurick
Old Comics Man - Douglass Barre
Oozlefinches - Ted "Arsenal " Brock
Organic Lass - Rebecca Drayer
Procrastination Boy - Jason
Pulls Paper Out of Hats Lad - Arthur Spitzer
Ripping Dancer - Arthur Spitzer
Sarcastic Lad - Gary St. Lawrence
Sing Along Lass - Drizzt
Sister State-the-Obvious - wReam
Super Apathy Lad - Jacob Lesgold
Throbby the Talking Severed Heart - Arthur Spitzer
Ultimate Ninja - wReam
WikiBoy - Tom Russell
You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad - Arthur Spitzer
And probably more that I forgot to list...
Arthur's Notes: What? What do you mean no one voted for wReamicus
Maximus in a cloned Ultimate Ninja body for leader? :)
Yeah, I know. Of course Ultimate Ninja is still the leader even if he's
asleep. By Beige Midnight he'll back in his job as leader. Promise.
Speaking of votes, eight people voted in the leadership election. Five
people voted for the Ultimate Ninja. And three voted for Fearless Leader.
I have to admit part of me is glad that the ninja won since I'm not sure
how I would have handled this storyline if Fearless Leader had won. I
guess it's safe to say I would have handled it very differently.
This issue isn't that great, I know, but I wasn't really writing for
quality as much as just to get this damn thing over with...
Here's the election stuff...
2007 LNH Leadership election
First Round Voting:
(Number of First place votes in parenthesis)
Fearless Leader 17 (2) 23.94%
Ultimate Ninja 14 (2) 19.72%
J. Random Kiwi 13 (1) 18.31%
Weirdness Magnet 10 (2) 14.08%
Catalyst Lass 9 12.68%
Irony Man 7 (1) 9.86%
WikiBoy 1 1.41%
Master Blaster 0 0.00%
And second round voting:
Ultimate Ninja 5 votes
Fearless Leader 3 votes
It's funny how I remember some saying a long time ago that the other
characters might have a better chance at beating the Ultimate Ninja in
an election if there was a second round. Didn't quite work out for
I do think having a second round is probably a good idea just to make
sure we vote in someone who we really want to be leader.
Arthur "And now comes the raccies..." Spitzer
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