NTB/RACC-Con: Who Killed the Cat With Glasses?

Andrew Perron pwerdna at gmail.com
Tue Jul 17 16:33:39 PDT 2012

On Wednesday, July 4, 2012 8:52:58 PM UTC-4, EDMLite wrote:
> RACC-Con/NTB/SW10: Who Murdered The Cat With Glasses?

Okay, I saw bits and pieces of this as it was coming together on the
Authors' Group. Let's see how it looks all edited together!

> 'Who Murdered The Cat With Glasses?'

Hrmmmmm. I hope the weird quotes aren't on my side somehow.

(Looking at this later at home shows that they're somehow a Google
Groups effect. @.@)

>      It was a dark and stormy night.  A cat lay in the middle of the
> road.  A cat with glasses.  The wind howled and the rain pounded,
> heedless of the poor, pitiful form that had been reduced to road kill.
>      Actually, no, that wasn't quite true.  There wasn't a cat with
> glasses.  There were several.
>      That was more or less the nub of the problem.

Nice opening. <3

>      "Und zo it beginz."

Which line always reminds me of Babylon 5 commercials on TNT.

>      Molloy spat, a long, glistening arc of coffee that hung in the
> air for a moment like a beige rainbow.


>      "I'm saying our investigation should begin," she said, "with a visit to
> the office of Dr. Schroedinger."

Dun dun dunnnnn!

>      They stared.  "How could he be wearing a mask that looked realistic
> when he was wearing glasses underneath?"
>      The first cop responded.  "Yeah, I know.  He can either wear a
> realistic mask, or glasses.  Can't have both."
>      Kidd mused.  "But what about those, y'know, Schrodinger cats? You put
> 'em in a box, and they're either alive or dead, but you don't know which.
> So they're really both."
>      "Oh, so you think someone put this cat in a box?"
>      "No, no!  This cat can wear glasses *and* a mask, because we still
> don't know who he is!"

I'm quoting this whole bit, because it's an example of when you start
off subverting a trope and then KEEP GOING, into mad ridiculous
realms. I love it.

>      "Oh my god, Sarge!  I shot her!!  I killed her!" said Kid with panic in
> his voice.
>      "Did you?" said Sarge.  "I'm not so sure about that."
>      "What do you mean, Sarge?"
>      "Maybe that's what she wanted us to think.  Maybe that was her master
> plan all along."

*gasp* OF COURSE! It's all so simple!

>      "This whole thing looks like some kind of a murder-suicide pact. That's
> what I'm thinking.  Obviously this lady whoever she was killed the cat with
> glasses.  And then she tried to frame you for her own suicide.  It's just
> that simple."

Oh, no, wait, that's stupid.

>      "Maybe you just haven't seen any good movies involving Brad Pitt.  How
> about Fight Club?  Have you seen Fight Club?"
>      "Yeah, I saw that.  I guess that would have been a good movie -- if it
> weren't for the fact that Brad Pitt was completely lame in it."

Well, if he was supposed to be cool, he's lame in it. But if he's
supposed to be lame, he's actually really cool in it.

>      "My name," said the cat, who sounded uncannily like Antonio Banderas,
> "is… Habanero!"
>      Somewhere in the distance, a mariachi band strummed a succession
> of chords.
>      "Seriously? The Fourth of July Miracle Cat?" MacCavity asked.

Bwahahahaha. <3

> MacCavity meowed.


>      "Is this your cafe?" Pitt asked, looking around.  "I was hoping you
> were a customer here.  In fact, I was hoping you happened to be Dr. Thelma
> Annlouise, the noted feline ophthalmologist."

It's amazing how much the names are tipoffs to who wrote which part.

>      "No.  Of course not," Dr. Annlouise said, as Pitt slammed the biscotti
> into his mouth, demolishing it in two messy bites.


>      "Wait!" Dr. Annlouise said.  "How... how did you find me?  How did you
> get those glasses?  And what are you doing, running around and investigating
> cat-related crimes?  Shouldn't you be acting in a film, or making out with
> Angelina Jolie, or something?”
>      "Neither takes as long as you might think," Pitt said, donning a black
> suede fedora.  "Leaving me plenty of time to pursue my true calling... as a
> member of the Net.Trenchcoat Brigade!"


>      She looked at him in incredulity.  "The Net.Trenchcoat Brigade! But...
> how?"
>      "There was a hideous experience in a graveyard, and then they stole my
> razor."


>      "Roll 'em!" went the director.  The clapperboard clapped, but from where
> he was standing Brad couldn't see that it made no reference to _Interview
> With A Vampire_, but instead read: Brad Pitt's secret origin as a
> Net.Trenchcoat Brigader: sole take.


>      Pitt sat down on a park bench with his Venti paper cup of steamed
> milk, and meditated.  Before long, the answer came to him.  Brad
> Pitt's evil twin hates cats!




>      "... Agent O'Hanrahan, thank you for coming here to Martinez. We've had
> a rash of road kills.  Most of them are missing cats, identified by the
> owners.  One was apparently a stray - and it was wearing glasses.  And all of
> them were missing their spines by the time we found them."
>      "So you need the United States Insight Battalion."
>      "Correct."

It's just like crossing o~ver~

>      She slammed the data stick with information relating to the
> Black Brady case into the USIB port of her suit and waited for the
> rush of data to fill her headset monitor.

Sounds extreme.

>      There it was, she thought, moments later.  Spines.  Loads and
> loads of spines.
>      Tingling.


>      "Of course, of course," Black Brady said.  "Believe me, when you're in
> the cat spine collecting business, as I am, you’ve seen it all, sooner or
> later."


>      Black Brady sighed.  "It's not as obvious now, I suppose," he said.
> "But in the '70s... in my prime... everyone who met me said I was the
> spitting image of what the kid who played Bobby on The Brady Bunch would look
> like, if he was African-American."


>      "Just as I suspected," Brady said, staring at the man's spine, which
> slithered in his grasp like a caffeinated Conger eel.  "A tracking device –
> no doubt planted on the man by the so-called Insight Battalion!  Well, let
> them come.  Let them come!"

Nat-- ewwwwwgh

>      He stared at the row of spines before him... a row that had been
> carefully woven into a labyrinth of vertebral bone.
>      "Let them come," he crowed, "and fall into… my SPINAL TRAP!"


This story is hilarious, y'know that

>      And Lazy Brad Pitt thought about dodging the bullets.  But
> man -- that would take a lot of work.
>      And so he didn't.
>      Bummer, thought Lazy Brad Pitt looking at all of his bleeding
> chest wounds.

Hopefully, he's too lazy to go to the trouble of dying.

>     Habanero laughed. "Miracle Pet Wipes, of course!


>      "Si! I am Latino *and* I am American!  I was American before
> your  American ancestors were even *in* America! Now... do you
> surrender?"
>     MacCavity chuckled. "I suppose so. Following you around should
> give  me *great* amusement."
>      "Bravo! Then come with me! Evil is afoot!"

...so, weren't they opposed, or...?

>      Trumpets swelled. Maracas rattled. And in a poof of smoke,
> Habanero  and MacCavity were standing in a pit.

Look out, it's Bronson Canyon! Or possibly the BBC Quarry! Or maybe
nowadays it's a random forest in Vancouver!

>      Well, either someone had teleported, or someone had died.  Well,
> all she needed was *probable* cause.  Time to call the police.

Very reasonable.

>      "Sarge," Kid began.
>      "What?" Sarge replied.  "This isn't going to be about my randomly going around and
> shooting people, is it?  Because I really feel we need to put that behind us."

Seriously dude, learn to move on >:/

>      "Haven't you seen the way we always finish each other's sentences?  The fact that
> we've seen all the same movies... read the same books... that we have the same reaction
> whenever someone plays "Kind of Blue?"   It's like... like we're the same person.  One soul,
> in two bodies.  And the only thing that separates us is the way we feel about..."

I love this whole plot point to death, BTW.

>      "A little something I picked up along the way," Brad Pitt said, letting the shell casing drop
> from his toes.  "Unless you’ve learned to deflect weapons fire with your bare hands, you can’t
> really date Angelina Jolie for very long."


It's amazing how well these jokes work, when I usually hate celebrity-
focused humor. Of course, Rob is a master at it.

>    MacCavity, MacCavity, there's no one like MacCavity
>    With his quantum duplicates, he can defy the law of gravity


>      "Dammit," Molloy cursed.  "If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times.  One does not
> simply walk into more doors."


>      "I...I...I...have...have...have...split...split...split," he heard several Crumples say, in a manner
> that was at least as harrowing to hear as it was annoying to read.

The revenge of Echo Lad!

>     Dr. Schroedinger shrugged.  "Search me," he said.  "I vanted to
> make ze cure for cancer.  But, you gots to go vhere de funding is,
> you know?  And all ze major universities, zey want you to schplitt
> ze little kitties."

I love this line. I love it to pieces. Tiny little bits.

>      ... and so Agent Mary O'Hanrahan woke up.  In a pit.  With Black
> Brady, being swarmed by cats - wearing glasses.  One cat was meowing
> into a harmonica, to the tune of Black Betty...  Maybe her sensors
> were off.  But it looked like justice was served.

*Somebody* got served! Hahaha... haaa... *koff*

>      Back in the pit, MacCavity the Cat turned to Habanero the
> Miracle Cat.  "I wonder if the human even knows what's going on."
>      "No matter!

Why should she be any different than the rest of us?

>      "Not yet," Schroedinger said.  "For one ting... you know too much."
>      "Anyone who knows me would deny that's true," Molloy said.

Heh heh heh.

>      Schroedinger removed a realistic-looking rubber mask from what
> proved to be a somewhat less-realistic looking face.


> "ze... VI vean
> vhe... VAPID VETERINARIAN!" the newly-revealed net.villain declared.
> "Vand vit vas vlong vbeen vmy vdesire vo vapture vhat veline varagon
> vand vcut voff vis vittle vkitty vnutsies!"

Wait what, that doesn't make any sense XD

>      "The glasses – they're critical!" declared Dr. Annelouise, who had just burst into a barroom
> filled with dozens of bespectacled cats and good and evil versions of Brad Pitt.
>      "Yes, they could correct the vision of a cat with different-colored eyes.  But they could also
> act as a prism... separating out the unique versions of each being!" the ophthalmologist
> declared.

*gasp* OF COURSE!!!

>      "We... broke into Schroedinger's lab.  MacCavity, Sgt. Kidd, and me," the good Brad Pitt
> recalled.  "Kidd was along as a condition of MacCavity's parole.  How were we to know that
> MacCavity had worked out a deal with Schroedinger in advance?  Or that we would become
> victims of Schroedinger's machine?"
>      "But we know that now," the evil Brad Pitt said.  "The question is... how did you know it, Dr.
> Annelouise?"
>      "Isn't it obvious?" Dr. Annelouise said.  "I'm the aspect of Brad Pitt that has always wanted
> to be a female ophthalmologist, specializing in  cats?"


>      Molloy did so, and suddenly there were two Molloys!  The good cop
> Molloy and the evil minion Molloy!

Wait, what part of his worldview was "it would be good to be an evil

>      "Vou vasked vhy VI vould vant vo vreate vo vany venemies?" the
> Veterinarian asked, and then shot the good Molloy dead.  "Vor vhe
> vlassic vituation.  Voth valive vand vead."
>      "And bloody furious!" yelled the bloody furious Molloy, who
> reared up behind the villain an punched him in the jaw.

Now *that* viewpoint, I understand.

> and the two remaining versions of Molloy began an epic bar fight...
> except they weren't in a bar.  Okay then, an epic evil scientists lab
> fight.  Whatever.

Close enough!

>      Vapid Vetinarian crawled across to the other side of his office.
> "Vools!  Vou vhall vot vtop ve!  Vall VI veed vis vto vdo vis
> vactivate vy Vuantum Vatnip, vand Vabanero vhe Vourth vof Vjuly
> Vmiracle Vat vill ve vlured vere vand vecome vy vrisoner!"

Speaking of things that are annoying to read.

>      And Bad Driving/Stuck in Traffic Brad Pitt looked around and
> wondered just what had happened.  Hadn't he been in an accident?  If
> so why was he completely fine?
>      But before he could think more about that another car crashed
> into him.  And he died.

Nooooo! Two undoubtedly harmful aspects of his personality can't be
reintegrated now!

>     "Habanero!" cried the Molloy Who Provides Necessary Exposition When Required.
> "Look out!"

Oh, he's my favorite character.

>      Then a bus crashed through the building wall - on the third
> floor!  Mary jumped up through the wall behind it.

I'm going to imagine her with a sort of Bionic Woman bo-o-o-oing.

>      Then a disembodied voice said, over the meows......
>      << You see, that is what makes America great!   Out of
> many, one! >>

Oooooh-- wait what

>      Brad held out his arm.  Mary took it.  They departed, arm in arm.


>      "Be not concerned," meowed Habanero.  "The Vetinerian's Quantum Catnip uses the
> principle of superpositioning to overlap many tons of catnip into one small space.  This is why
> it is so powerful. It is literally superconcentrated.  The same principle could be used to
> fold the many aspects of these people back into their previous selves."

OF COURSE!!!!!!!!!!!11

>      The view of the cameras pulls back.  Back, away from the ruined
> walls of Dr Schroedinger's laboratory.  Back from the grounds of the
> university.  Back across the rain-soaked streets where the mortal
> remains of so many cats with glasses were found.  Back to the very
> edge of the city.  Lightning flashes, and doing so it illuminates a
> sign:
>      "Welcome To Pittsburgh"





Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin

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